MiL wants to come at Christmas. We don’t want her to.

[RobertDeNiro]

We have a difficult relationship with MiL, always have had, ever since she tried to get some of Dh’s inheritance off him (from his dad, who had been divorced from her for years). She treats the people around her like dirt, and as a result has barely anyone left around her. We see her once every two months ish for about an hour through gritted teeth. She is prone to making narky comments when she comes round, for example saying I looked pregnant in the dress I was wearing, or comments about our house or whatever. She is also very strange and comes out with some very odd things.

Dh can sort of compartmentalise his relationship with her whereas I get so stressed when I know she’s coming that I feel anxious for the whole week.

She wants to come at Christmas this year on the day. She made some narky comments to dh about my relationship with my mother a few months ago (which is totally broken due to abuse when I was a child) and it was the last straw for me. I do not feel like ruining my Xmas by hosting her here and cooking her a nice Xmas lunch etc. I feel like she can sod off to be honest.

We haven’t seen her at Xmas for three years. Dh reckons we should have her here this year and that seeing crappy relatives is just part of the ‘joy’ of Xmas. She will be alone if she doesn’t come here.

I don’t want her here. Aibu?

"he sticks his head in the sand and won’t deal with her ‘for an easy life’. It’s easier to piss me off. "

Don't make it easy for him to piss you off.
She is not welcome in your house if it is affecting your mental health to this degree. If he does not back you up then send him back to her for good.

Get to your GP 're the self harming. Het some help.

As to OP, I have just read your entire thread, and I feel for you so much. Your husband is very manipulative and it appears he learned it from his own mother. If he wanted to duck off mid-Christmas afternoon to see her, maybe he could do that, but to make you suffer, that is just out of line, especially with everything you've had to deal with in your own family. I am so sorry and really have nothing to offer except thoughts and wishes.

Solopower1 - You're lucky. And I too used to think "we can do it as a couple, be stronger, etc etc." but the reality is, it's me my MIL has the problem with. By not being there that "problem" is taken out of the equation and she can treat my DH as though I don't exist - as though he's still her baby. It suits me fine.

And yes - You do have to toughen up sometimes but if you read OP's update it doesn't sound like she's in the right place to do that right now. All that said, I don't agree for a moment that because you're family - or married to someone whose mother you don't like - that somehow means you have to toughen up and put up with it. I think that's a load of rubbish. I didn't marry MIL, SIL, etc. I married my DH. This is the type of thing my MIL and I disagree on - she still can't cope with the fact that I didn't change my name. If it's someone I work with, rely on, have a professional relationship with, etc. and I have to get on with them then I'm all for toughening up. But if it's someone that I can choose not to spend time with then I'm afraid I'm going to choose not to spend time with them. I would rather not be subjected to screaming, swearing and abuse thanks - yep, been there done that. Never again.

Please go and get some help (maybe GP as a first step if you don't have other help available).
Your DH is being manipulative - massively so!

But you need to get support tohelp you cope.

The cure to him not feeling so stressed over her emails is for him to block her - or divert emails to one folder that he only looks at once a week.
Is she ill? No - then he doesn't need to be available for the constant contact.
If i was an emergency then someone would phone/text.

He really needs to choose who he cares more for his wife and son or his mother. Right now he isn't thinking about you, but his own guilt. And he needs to start doing some work on himself.

We only have your side of the story, but it seems to me that there are an awful lot of people in your life you don't get on with, including your own mother, and that the common denominator is you. That's just an observation based on the limited information available and I am absolutely not saying that you are not right.

You’re insinuating that maybe it’s my fault then that my dad was absent forever, my stepdad beat me and my mum stood by him? Thanks for that.

If OP self harmed, it was as a result of her DH's manipulative behaviour, putting his coat on, packing and threatening to go to his mother's. Luckily he saw sense when OP called his bluff.

He must find it incredibly difficult to have the DM constantly begging and pleading to come. Somewhere on here, someone has suggested that there should be conditions to her coming over, the main one being that DM must be on her best behaviour with no nastiness. Otherwise she goes home. That's the very least DH can do - explain that to the old witch.

@a580hojas you have no knowledge of how self harm works. Learn about it before you start throwing around accusations.

I don't think I could stand the thought of someone being alone in Christmas day, even if they are annoying. She is your DH's mother. My mil is not the best, she is really hard work and need 100% of our attention at all times, says outrageously offensive things. We probably see her 4 times a year, but I couldn't see her alone on Christmas day, she's DH's mum.

I also have DS's and the thought that they would see me alone at Christmas is really sad.

For any other day if the year, I'd say yanbu.

OP I think you need to call his bluff. Tell him to go to hers on Xmas day. He will have such a shit time he won't do it again. Your DC will be fine - tell them he has to see grandma that day and make the best of it this once.

I feel utterly empty this morning.

“If OP self harmed, it was as a result of her DH's

I don’t know how self harming works either, but I sure as hell know it’s not by “you made me do it” as you’ve explained.

A potential solution (if financially an option) is booking her a hotel/b&b close to your house and inviting her to join you at a set time, dh then drives her back (or walks if close) around 4/5 pm - 5 hours. It's his mother, however much she annoys him she's his flesh and blood so you need to understand that bond however strained.

If this works out then you have an answer - alternatively getting a taxi both ways or dh collecting/taxi back (it depends on distance to whether this is viable). DH should be frank with his mother about her comments etc but you need to let these wash over you are try not to take things personally, some people think before they talk with no filter.

I know it's stressful but family is family

You are being unfair to your husband and not giving him any reasonable options.
It's three hours. You'll be fine.

I’m sorry OP. I’m afraid that your husband is a piece of shite who has worn you down to the point that many of us could see you’d cave to him again. He’s really made himself out to be the victim and you think it’s you and him against his mother... but it’s not. He’s literally shoved you AND his child under the bus to save himself.

As down as you feel this morning, I hope you can find the strength to stand up for yourself. Nobody else will. Show your son that it’s not ok for people who are meant to love you to treat you like this. Show him how to stand up for yourself.

Or your husband will show him how to manipulate you and get what he wants out of you.

PBobs, in the OP's case, it seemed to have become as much a problem with her DH as with her MIL (or maybe that was just the slant put on it by other posters?)

if you read OP's update it doesn't sound like she's in the right place to do that right now Maybe not now, but maybe she will be, if her DH gives her the support she needs.

Are you saying that there is absolutely no hope in her situation at all? That she will never be able to bear to be in the same room as her MIL? That her DH is somehow irrelevant in all this?

I don't agree for a moment that because you're family - or married to someone whose mother you don't like - that somehow means you have to toughen up and put up with it. No, that's not what I mean at all! No-one has to do anything. We can all stay in our unhappy lives if we want to. Or we can see what we can do about it.

I would rather not be subjected to screaming, swearing and abuse This. No-one has to put up with this. If this is likely, OP would have to have a plan. What's more likely, imo, is that the MIL will behave herself.

In this situation, ( as outlined in the OP) no-one wins.

I'd suggest that you would be best to try to do " the right thing" and have the MiL over. Probably nothing you will do will change her, but your husband and you, ( and your family) will be able to be seen to have done the right thing, and will have. And you and your husband will be on the "same page./ pulled together". You will still be together, pulling together, when she is dead and gone.

Easy to say, not easy to do.

Yikes. I don’t know what else to tell you OP. You gace in and I totally get why you did. He’s drained you and you had nothing left to fight with. He’s a bully. I would be questioning how someone who claimed to love me would be able to do this to me. Sorry OP. I would have to reconsider why in with someone like this, and what an emotional bully he is.

Valasca, yes, that's definitely another way of looking at the OP's situation.

But, OP, if it isn't like that (and only you know that), then you now have the opportunity to get something good out of it. It is not a hopeless situation.

If it is like that, then you are much better out of it, and should pack your bags today.

Try to think what you want (apart from your MIL to disappear in a puff of green smoke). Maybe your MIL is embodying all the negative feelings you have for the whole of your family. She's just one woman, not a huge monster.

I am one of the people suggesting that OP should put up with it for a few hours and believe me I am fully aware of the effect a toxic person can have on others. I do not think the husband is selfish or manipulative, he is just pulled in different directions. It sounds as if OP had a bad time with her own family and is vulnerable it's unfair to have a go at her for self harming. I wonder OP whether your experiences with your family of origin are making you too thin skinned and easily upset by MIL. I think it's sensible of you to compromise. I don't necessarily think it's being in FOG that makes someone feel they should sometimes invite their mother for Christmas, sometimes its just decency. It's hard to tell from your posts if MIL is just difficult or has nasty intentions,

As pp said, have lunch out, meet her at the restaurant. Have an early meal, 12noon for your DS. Make your DH drive & pay and be home by 2pm.
Make it clear that this is how it’s going to go every year when it’s Xmas with his mum.

I wouldn't spoil the actual day but have her over the weekend before for a 'fake' Christmas day. As for your husband saying he would spend Christmas eve at her house and come home Christmas morning...….that there in itself is a thread of it's own...

You had a terrible childhood and were let down by your mum and dad.

You feel let down by Dh today because he’s not putting you first. Just like your mum and your dad, nether of them put you first.
However your Dh also has a shit mother, you’ve both been let down.

I think you both need to try not to take this out on each other. If things are good in all other bits of your relationship you need to sit down and talk calmly and try to support each other. Don’t take it personally that he wants to see his mum on Xmas day and try to find a compromise where Dh is happy and so are you.

Solopower1 - I wasn't suggesting DH loves the situation either - not in OP's case or mine. But the reality is, she's his mum - not OP's. I make my DH see his mum. Honestly, if I didn't make him visit her once a year I don't know if he would. He doesn't enjoy it and they always argue.

I don't agree that there is no hope. I just think the OP has decided what she wants. Not to spend time with MIL. I don't understand why that is so hard for other people to accept. She hasn't said her DH can't see his mum. She's just said she doesn't want to see her. Surely DH and his mum can have a relationship without OP being there. I think it's unfair to put pressure on OP and suggest that somehow she's responsible for whether that relationship succeeds or fails.

And for the record - because your comment seemed a bit pointed and unnecessary - I'm not in an "unhappy life". I'm actually an incredibly happy person who found the confidence to tell someone that I really didn't want to put up with their nastiness anymore. That's what I did about it. She and I were never going to be friends or get on - it's too long and arduous to get into here. Again - I don't see why you would equate not getting on with your MIL as being a sign of being unhappy though. I would say that I agree that OP is unhappy but as per her own posts, that is about more than "just" MIL.

OP, given your history with your own family, it surprises me that you're not more understanding to your husband's situation with his mother. It's very easy for an adult child to feel a sense of obligation towards a parent - I know as I've been there and done it for about a decade after my siblings totally cut contact with our mother.

You've avoided MiL for the last 3 years. Your husband has said that he needs to include her this year, through whatever motivation (guilt it'd seem). It's not like he wants to do it. You don't want her at your house, so he's respected that and tried to suggest an alternative (staying there overnight) but you don't want that either.

What do you suggest he does in order to keep everyone happy?

Up until last year I saw my mum every Christmas out of guilt/obligation. Some years (when he could face it!) my husband would come with me, other years he wouldn't. He has always hated my mum for the way she treats/treated me and that's what made it difficult for him to be with her, to witness the behaviour.

IMO the best thing will be to have her over for a few hours Christmas day. Get her over for midday via taxi, she can spend time with your husband whilst you cook (to not spend time with her), dinner served for 2pm, taxi home pre-booked for 5pm. You can clear up after dinner (i.e. stay out of her way again). When they offer to help, it's ok, you two go and relaz, MiL has travelled to spend time with you DH. 5pm comes, she gets packed off into her taxi, you can relax for the rest of the day, everyone is happy and that's the MiL box ticked for another 3 years.

And for the record - because your comment seemed a bit pointed and unnecessary - I'm not in an "unhappy life". No, PBobs, that definitely wasn't aimed at you! I can see why you thought that. Sorry for giving offence. It was just a generalisation. I think what I'm trying to say is that when things are really bad in life, something has to change, and, in the OP's case, if she has the right support, maybe she can do it?