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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

MiL wants to come at Christmas. We don’t want her to.

295 replies

RobertDeNiro · 25/11/2018 20:15

We have a difficult relationship with MiL, always have had, ever since she tried to get some of Dh’s inheritance off him (from his dad, who had been divorced from her for years). She treats the people around her like dirt, and as a result has barely anyone left around her. We see her once every two months ish for about an hour through gritted teeth. She is prone to making narky comments when she comes round, for example saying I looked pregnant in the dress I was wearing, or comments about our house or whatever. She is also very strange and comes out with some very odd things.

Dh can sort of compartmentalise his relationship with her whereas I get so stressed when I know she’s coming that I feel anxious for the whole week.

She wants to come at Christmas this year on the day. She made some narky comments to dh about my relationship with my mother a few months ago (which is totally broken due to abuse when I was a child) and it was the last straw for me. I do not feel like ruining my Xmas by hosting her here and cooking her a nice Xmas lunch etc. I feel like she can sod off to be honest.

We haven’t seen her at Xmas for three years. Dh reckons we should have her here this year and that seeing crappy relatives is just part of the ‘joy’ of Xmas. She will be alone if she doesn’t come here.

I don’t want her here. Aibu?

OP posts:
BumbleBeee69 · 25/11/2018 23:12

Why can you not suggest a compromise and let her come over whilst you do volunteering or go to the pub.Yes it puts you out but it will be a few hours at most.

hilarious Grin

WhyAmISoCold · 25/11/2018 23:13

Don't let him manipulate you OP! You have every right to bring your son into it, it should be about him (DS), not his bloody mother. Bloody chuck him out the door and lock it behind him. Don't cave!!

SheWoreBlueVelvet · 25/11/2018 23:13

I think Op is doing most of the emotional blackmail. He can't go over to his mothers, she can't come to you. How is that DH or MIL " winning"?

StarsHollow123 · 25/11/2018 23:13

How are getting on OP?

He's behaved appallingly, I would let him go to his DM's tonight. Let him get a taste of what he would be experiencing at Xmas.

WallisFrizz · 25/11/2018 23:14

Krusty... based on what the OP says, mil sounds like a pain but it’s all v low level stuff and no, I would not leave my partners parent on their own on Christmas Day against their wishes because of it. I would struggle to enjoy the day knowing that both my partner and mil were unhappy.

Weirdpenguin · 25/11/2018 23:14

I do think YABU, It sounds like it will only be for a few hours and you are putting your husband in an awkward position. He has handled it badly by trying to force the issue but many people would feel guilty never inviting their Mum for Christmas and leaving her on her own even if she was a pain. Grow a thicker skin and learn to ignore her comments, it's not like you have to see her often.

delboysskinandblister · 25/11/2018 23:15

are you alright OP?

LizzieSiddal · 25/11/2018 23:15

I think Op is doing most of the emotional blackmail. He can't go over to his mothers, she can't come to you. How is that DH or MIL " winning"?

Very true! He’s an adult and should have some say in how he spends Xmas day.

Weirdpenguin · 25/11/2018 23:16

and yes to what Wallis said.

BumbleBeee69 · 25/11/2018 23:17

Very true! He’s an adult and should have some say in how he spends Xmas day.

He has, he's going to his abusive Mums, and leaving his little boy home with Mum. Grin

Bluesmartiesarebest · 25/11/2018 23:17

Let him go running to his toxic mother tonight. If he decides to divorce you over this he isn’t worth married to and I’m sure he will change his mind. Don’t give in over this because you know that the woman is vile and she will still be just as horrid to you at Christmas as any other time.

Has DH ever had any counselling? When he wants to come home I think you should insist that he gets help to deal with his mother.

Rayn · 25/11/2018 23:19

Im on the camp that you should
Have her for a couple of hours at Xmas. She is his mother but both of
You need to sit down before hand and explain to her that she is to 'behave' so everyone has a nice Christmas. That way she has a choice and the ball is in her court. She obviously does not want to be on her own but can you honestly say you will enjoy Christmas Day and not feel guilty. It's just about you all compromising. X

SheWoreBlueVelvet · 25/11/2018 23:20

BumbleBeee69. How so? It's an excuse to leave the house. As Op is the one who doesn't want to be around the woman.

Or maybe divorce seems like the mature response over this.

LizzieSiddal · 25/11/2018 23:20

He has, he's going to his abusive Mums, and leaving his little boy home with Mum.

Only because his wife won’t contemplate spending a few hours with his mother on Xmas day. Lots of people do it, if you don’t want to ever do it, fill your boots but don’t be surprised if your H/partner doesn’t agree.

delboysskinandblister · 25/11/2018 23:21

Has DH ever had any counselling? When he wants to come home I think you should insist that he gets help to deal with his mother

*this

and these Flowers

Aridane · 25/11/2018 23:25

I agree withajw and wallis

timeisnotaline · 25/11/2018 23:26

Hmm. I started out thinking you should have mil over for your dh but he has really handled this appallingly. I agree let him pack. If he wants to make this the hill his marriage will die on after a few hours discussion, not even a let’s sleep on it...

Aridane · 25/11/2018 23:27

Your thread title is MiL wants to come at Christmas. We don’t want her to.

However, there is no ‘we’, it’s ‘I’ - you are not speaking for DH

Weirdpenguin · 25/11/2018 23:33

I find some of the responses advocate a very selfish attitude, basically telling OP to do exactly as she pleases and refuse to compromise and fuck everyone else if they feel miserable or guilty. The husband OTOH has to do as he's told. Try to work out a compromise OP perhaps where you get the morning and after 9pm to yourselves.

Milliy · 25/11/2018 23:34

O dear. This isn't going well .

BigChocFrenzy · 25/11/2018 23:36

How does your non-driving DH plan on travelling to be with his mummy ?

I hope you won't be his chauffeur
Have a couple of drinks and you can't be

Sounds like you need the break from each other, to calm down and reflect

BigChocFrenzy · 25/11/2018 23:38

When one of you cannot stand a toxic family member or friend
it seems reasonable that the one who feels the need / duty to do so, should go alone and visit

jacks11 · 25/11/2018 23:42

To those saying OP should do it because it would make her husband happy- surely there's two sides to that.

OP could put up with a woman who makes her unhappy and anxious for days before her visit. She could ruin her christmas (and it's very likely her DS will pick up that mum- and quite possibly dad- are unhappy) to appease her DH's misplaced guilt. Of course she could, to make her DH happy.

On the flip side- her DH also put OP's feeling before his- "to make her happy". He could say "I would prefer for my mum to come for christmas, but I know she is unkind to my wife and makes her anxious and my wife has had a hard time this year because her relationship with her mother broke down and she's been struggling with that. And her grandfather died, her grandmother is very unwell. Maybe this year is not the right time to push it".

So if OP is being inconsiderate, then so is her OP. As to MIL- if she is as unpleasant as OP says (and I have no reason to doubt her), then really it is a case of reap what you sow. If you are unkind and deliberately hurtful to people then they won't want you around- the festive season doesn't change that and I fail to see why you should expose yourself to hurt, anxiety and upset so that the person who does those things to you "isn't lonely at Christmas".

LizzieSiddal · 25/11/2018 23:42

Try to work out a compromise OP

The most sensible post on the thread.

Singlenotsingle · 25/11/2018 23:43

Sheworeblue it's not a case of letting her come over for a few hours on Christmas day. The DH doesn't drive so OP would have to fetch her and take her home
(unless she drives of course).