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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Fil coming round unannounced on a Sunday!

280 replies

Toughtips · 25/11/2018 16:21

Aibu to be annoyed by this? I don't want to see him. Dh is downstairs with him atm
I was being a slob sat in my dressing gown and don't really wanna have to change. Aibu to stay upstairs?

OP posts:
Hushhush89 · 26/11/2018 19:11

Runny nosehun y, why is it? She posted her question after 4pm saying she was being a soon and didn't want to wear proper clothes to sit around in.... Sorry but the first thing I thought of was that's disgusting as it's afternoon and they hadn't even washed 🤮🤢🤮🤢🤮🤢

Limensoda · 26/11/2018 19:11

Everyone is different!!
There is nothing wrong with not wanting people just turning up, even if they are related!
There's nothing wrong in just turning up if you are part of a family who are ok with it!
What IS wrong is telling people they SHOULD be ok with unexpected guests just because you are!

If your grown up child is fine with it but their partner isn't, then respect that!

Respect peoples boundaries FFS!

Hushhush89 · 26/11/2018 19:12

Slob....not soon

LynsC1980 · 26/11/2018 19:16

I literally hate people popping in unnannounced and wouldn’t ever do it to anyone else - even my parents. A quick text is all it needs. That said, anyone who does come round is always made to feel welcome.

We both have high pressure jobs and busy lives so when we get the chance sometimes we don’t event get out of bed on a Sunday and I love it. I’d be livid if someone knocked on my door. Although that’ll all change when babba comes along 😂

pinkladyhannah · 26/11/2018 19:17

Totally feel you OP, I would absolutely HATE anyone coming round unannounced. I love seeing all family and friends, but quite frankly I would pretend to be out if anyone just knocked on the door! I personally can’t imagine anything more rude than going to someone’s house before ringing them with plenty of notice!

SoftSheen · 26/11/2018 19:29

YANBU to feel annoyed.

YABU to forget your manners and not make the effort to get dressed and have a drink with him. You posted at 16.21, so late afternoon and a time when most people would be expected to be up and about. If FIL had called round at 8 am then you might have had a point.

Sara107 · 26/11/2018 19:31

Where I grew up everyone popped in unannounced on everyone, it was normal, and a cup of tea would always be offered. Some neighbours didn’t have phones and would drop in to make a call. One neighbour must have visited my mum almost every day for 30 years. Nobody has ever popped in unannounced to visit me, perhaps that is why I don’t really feel that my house or this country are my home.

Tinkerbell89 · 26/11/2018 19:44

I think just turning up isn't appropriate a simple call first to check whether it's convenient or not goes a long way. You aren't being unreasonable to be annoyed. If they call first they can make sure they're welcome, you'll be in or even just ready for guests and if you're not you can sat no, just turning up is unreasonable and thoughtless. I have a simple no just dropping by rule full stop as a call is polite. I think If he does this regularly your husband needs to speak with him that it's not ok and to call first. If a one off then irritating but well done for being considerate.

Hopefully you had a lovely rest of the day. Love a good PJ day.

It's important on these forums for people to understand everyone is different and would or wouldn't allow something so being rude is being unreasonable when this is meant to be a safe place to ask for advice not be judged and aggressive towards others.

Sussedyouout · 26/11/2018 19:45

Bless him, he may well be very lonely.
I would be quite happy to have him join us for lunch/dinner. We should, as a nation, be looking after our elders!
I wonder how you would feel if your in laws did the same to you?

cmh18 · 26/11/2018 20:08

YANBU my fil (lovely man) does this all the time. My partner and I work long hours and on the one day a week where we get to lie in and relax I don't want anyone turning unnanounced in the morning. He went through a phase of doing it all the time and just wandering in the house when I was alone!! If it's a regular thing maybe just ask him to call ahead so you can let him know a more suitable time? I would never turn up at someone's house without checking first so I can't really understand why anyone would do that

lindyloo57 · 26/11/2018 20:12

i would love my dad or mum to pop round, i lost my dad when i was 15, and my lovely mum in 2006, they won't be here for ever.

nannykatherine · 26/11/2018 20:16

why do you need to change ???

Motoko · 26/11/2018 20:45

Oh, give it a rest with the guilt trips. Not everyone has lovely parents you know, and you don't know if OP's FIL is a nice person. For all we know, he could have been abusive to his son growing up, should they still welcome him with open arms, just because some randoms on a forum had good parents who've died?

Momasita · 26/11/2018 21:17

Only managed to get to page 4.

It doesn't matter really if it's fil or uncle Jim or neighbours.. Is it someone you feel comfortable and relaxed with.

Aria999 · 26/11/2018 22:43

YANBU

Amazed by all the negative responses.

You have every right to a lazy day and it’s rude for anyone to assume that the person they want to visit has nothing better to do than drop everything and chat. However much you may like each other.

We live 4000 miles from all our relations so it doesn’t happen! But it wouldn’t be an issue if we didn’t as they would not do this to us any more than we would do it to them.

It is so easy to communicate remotely now - so a simple ‘is this convenient?’ is really not too much to ask.

cherish123 · 26/11/2018 23:57

Are you ill? If so, go to bed. If you've just had a bath or shower, take ages to get ready.

cherish123 · 26/11/2018 23:59

Just read some other responses. It is a bit odd to be in bed clothes at 4pm (unless hungover 😄).

OliveSeaTurtle · 27/11/2018 00:10

YANBU OP, I have done exactly the same thing. We've since made it clear that a courtesy call or text with at least an hours notice is appreciated.

There isn't any reason that at the point he decided to come over, got his stuff together, left the house and made his way over he couldn't have given you a heads up.

I make it clear that unannounced visitors are never welcome! (With at least an hours notice they will be, family have got use to it now and it's a no issue)

Birdie6 · 27/11/2018 05:39

I'd give anything for a visit from my dear Dad who died 15 years ago.
Parents are not around forever you know.

Don't get all silly about this visit - just be grateful that your FIL gets along well with your DH and that he is comfortable to come around ....even if unannounced ! I'd hate to think that he'd need to make a booking to drop in for a visit.

Sb74 · 27/11/2018 07:11

Everyone is different. I personally don’t like people turning up unannounced generally. I think it’s quite rude unless it’s an emergency. My exFil used to do this at really bad times like when I was putting my daughter to bed as a baby. Regardless of being family or not I think people need to respect you and your life and not just think they can turn up without agreeing. I think doing that is immature personally. What if you’d got friends around etc? Doing something in your house for a certan group of people? It’s very inconsiderate of anyone just to turn up, esp at the weekend if people do have plans. So I think the OP is entitled to feel annoyed. Have some manners FIL!

Motoko · 27/11/2018 09:52

@Birdie6 stop the guilt trip. OP is allowed to feel miffed at being disturbed by her FIL. You have no idea that they get on well, OP said her DH wasn't happy about it either.

My dad died 15 years ago, and I miss him very much, but it doesn't mean he never did anything that annoyed me, and I don't regret feeling annoyed.

Just because your dad is no longer around, it doesn't give you the right to try to make OP feel bad. Have a word with yourself, and ask why you'd want to make a stranger feel bad.

Mumoflove · 27/11/2018 12:09

This person was on their way to commit suicide then decided to give it all a last chance and come to see a friendly face but there you are throwing a strop because they dared to assume you are family, then we wonder why the world has gone #%^*+

gamerchick · 27/11/2018 12:28

That wins this thread for emotional blackmail that does Grin, much better than the my parents are dead be grateful usual posts. Big claps

Shmithecat · 27/11/2018 12:43

I love my FIL. I've breastfed in front of him and slobbed out at his house for half a day or more in my dressing gown and would have no issue with him visiting whilst slobbing out in my own home. 🤷‍♀️

Motoko · 27/11/2018 12:48

Hahaha!

OK, if we're making shit up...this person used to beat his child on a regular basis. He was also very controlling, and when his child grew up, his father wouldn't give him any peace, and keeps turning up unannounced so that he can keep his son under his control.

In that scenario, would you still try to guilt them into not complaining when he turns up?