AIBU: To be upset with what my mother did?

[PrettyPurplePanda]

Hello!

I'll get straight to it, I really wanted the set of "Kevin the carrot" soft toys, I showed my mother the ALDI advert and she said she wanted them too, so when it got closer to the release date I asked her if she'd like for me to buy them for her as a Christmas present (my mother is hard to buy for, no food or drink, no clothes, jewelry, candles, accessories ect ect) so she said yes!!!

Great! A Christmas gift I know she will like, so on November 22nd midnight, me and my partner fought online to purchase them, one set for me and one set for my mother, after 4 long hours we finally got them! success I thought, next day delivery and I had messaged her straight away saying I had got them (so she knew she didn't have to hunt them down herself)

Now, today she messaged me, the usual "hi, how are you" ect, and then she messaged "I have a confession to make, I bought a set of the Kevin the carrots yesterday, I love them" . . .

At this point I had broke down into tears, not of sadness, but of frustration, my mother knew I had already bought her a set for Christmas, but went out and got a set anyway . . .

I don't have much money, my mother knows this, when I had explained this to her and the effort I went to get them so I didn't run the risk of going in store to find they had sold out, all I got back was "it's not a big deal, I'll sell one set if it bothers you that much", meaning she will sell the set I give her as mine still have the tags on...

So here are the things I'm asking if I'm being unreasonable about:

1. AIBU for being upset/mad/frustrated with my mother over this?
2. AIBU for telling her how what she has done makes me feel?
3. Would IBU to not give her the set I have bought, seeing as she already has them?
4. Would IBU to not buy a replacement gift? (If I was to buy her another gift or gifts, it means I have to take more money out of what little savings I have)
5. Would IBU to sell the second set to get my money back? (I have no need for 2 sets and don't know anyone who I could give them to, plus the extra money could go back into my savings)

The Kevin carrot set isn't the only gifts I had gotten my mother so she wont go without a present, no matter how mad I am at her I wouldn't dream of being that spiteful.

Cutietips canceling plans last minute is her personal favorite thing to do, I just make new plans so she can't suddenly re change them later, but instead has to wait or we come to a new plan.

@PrettyPurplePanda,

I don’t for one minute think you should take any advice I have given, btw. Just these helped a bit with staying in some sort of control over a narcissist mother, before she really pushed me too far, and I went NC.

PawneeParksDept To me a gift is a gift and some of the most cheapest ones have been the best because it's not about the price but the thought, at least that's what counts for me.

Same

canceling plans last minute is her personal favorite thing to do, I just make new plans so she can't suddenly re change them later, but instead has to wait or we come to a new plan.

I know you responded to another poster about this, but that shows you are buffering some of her games. That’s great, good for you.

BoringSoup At first, years ago I used to message all the time because I left quite suddenly (to study away) so she was pretty lonely, but over time i'd gladly go days without a message because sometimes I get fed up being the instigator, sometimes I get a random "Oi!" message aka why haven't I message her in days, which in my opinion goes both way with adult children.

BoringSoup Thank you! I have to admit I did get a but of a buzz being more in control of the matter when she does suddenly cancel on me!

Oh OP I’m sorry both for the situation and the rough ride you have had here. Your mum sounds toxic and of course it’s not about the sodding carrots.

Please sell them and you know what, just let the bidding go high and treat yourself. If people want to pay that much then let them. It’s not like you’ve deliberately bought them to sell on

PrettyPurplePanda it definitely sounds like she is very manipulative. It's good that you refuse to be sucked into the cancelling plans game. Just be aware of other games she plays and refuse to engage.

I need this much spare time in my life. I’m in total envy of your whimsical ways OP.

I've seen her re-gift a gift set I gave her for someones birthday and one year she re gifted me the scarf I gave her the year before.
Your mum sounds funny
She must have the worst memory ever . Seriously I can understand your frustration I think you need to have a word with her and explain how you felt then move on .

Oh and sure I’d be frustrated but I’d just wrap up the bloody carrot and be done with it. You have plenty of time to ‘forget’ she already had one...

Oh and one year my sister walked into my home and started having a go at me for taking a nice box of chocolates that were sitting in the hallway that she gave my mum.

I didn’t take them my mum regifted them to me as she does with pretty much anything she gets that she can palm of onto someone else . I now write in permanent marker ‘FOR MUM’ for the sheer joy of knowing she might actually have to use whatever gift I give her.

PegLegAntoine Purchasing them from aldi means money has already gone towards teenage cancer research which I love them for doing that! If I can't find anyone who i know would like them, I'll place for sale as i seriously don't want 2 sets! I don't like duplicates haha.

Cutietips like this game play for example, I just needed to vent after so many little things over time.

Whaaat?

Carrots? Am I in a parallel universe?

What grown up wants soft toys? I don't get it...

stressedmum15 I've done the explain my frustration and feelings on the matter, now I will leave it up to her, I will either not hear from her for weeks, or I will hear from her in days because she is lonely.

bibbedy My mother has a wardrobe of gifts from co-workers, she re-distributes them to other co-workers for birthdays and christmas.

Your mum sucks.
What a thing to do - to let you get the items that she'd agreed to have as a Christmas present from you, then only go and buy them herself!
Rude.

I think you should try and sell them on as well, not give them to her, as she might just throw them out - and given that you're not all that well off, that would hurt so much.

However, since she's such a PITA to buy for, I'd just wrap the money up in some Christmas paper and give it to her in lieu of the gift you did manage to get her! Stuff it, there's no point in bending over backwards to find her something , only for her to throw it back in your face.

Sorry she's like this - she sounds dreadfully hard work.

You have established

1. It's not about the carrots
2. Whatever you get her will be wrong, or if it is not wrong she doesn't want it from you, because then she'd have to be grateful and nice
3. It's a power trip (cancelling arrangements etc)

So just stop. Wrap up the carrots you bought her - and if she moans, say "Gosh, I thought you loved them so much you'd like the second set" and refuse to care any more.

Stop giving a shit. You can't please her - she doesn't wish to be pleased.

Gifts aside, i do get it and honestly would be that fucked off myself.

Secondly, my niece wants them and sold out here so I will buy them from you for face value as you stated 😁

Our local Aldi (Ireland) has a whole section piled high with them.

Nobody interested in buying them.

I think the mania has bypassed Ireland.

Sell the duplicate set on ebay, pocket the profit to buy a nice treat for you to make up for all the stress your mum gives you then buy a pound bag of carrots (from Aldi ) and a bag of googly eyes, use the googly eyes and a couple of scraps to make actual vegetable based, non-cuddly Kevin and family carrots to give to your mum, then sit back to have a chuckle on christmas day...

And beyond that, point out that getting gifts seems to make her miserable and is an impossible task, so how about you do a £5 challenge where the present has to be £5 or less (or a handmade gift challenge, or a £5 charity shop challenge or a £1 pound shop challenge or whatever, with a proviso that it has to be funny or edible or useful or whatever you feel like making it to be) - so at least you wont' be having to stress about spending lots of money on her that she won't appreciate, you won't get naff gifts from her and you spend what you would have spent on her on yourself, she can do likewise and you both end up with a gift you like, plus a little funny cheap present to open on the big day...