Was I inappropriate towards my friends husband

[Mummblebee]

Went to a friends gathering yesterday. She is a newly wed. We've been friends for over 10 years. Towards the end of the night I was sitting on the couch and friends husband was falling asleep. Room full of people, lots of alcohol, music still going. I was about to start talking to husband then realising he was beginning to fall asleep I literally brushed my hand over his head, he woke up and I started rambling on about small talk. My friend came over and sat on his lap and we all carried on chatting I thought nothing of it. We have a photo of that exact moment with me sitting next to her husband with my arm on the back of the couch.. Her on his lap and me holding her hand. Clearly very affectionate towards the pair of them. I a big supporter of them as a couple and they have been quite intimately involved with me and my daughter. I'm a single mum.

Today friend text me and said we need to talk.. I called her and she said she thought t it was very inappropriate that I touched her husband on the hair and noone should touch her husband at all as its disrespectful. I was quite taken aback. There was absolutely nothing malicious on my part at all. I was clearly touchy with them both. Did I cross an obvious boundary with my friends husband or is she just insecure?

This friend and her husband are very intimately involved with my baby daughter and myself. So I just assumed we are all comfortable and good friends. They are always saying that we are family but clearly I need to be very careful as to not make people feel uncomfortable.

Was this single act crossing boundaries for most married people?

Their keen involvement with your daughter, you holding her hand... the whole thing sounds a bit creepy tbh.

I find it interesting she criticised your action and not the husband talking to you about it. Married or not we don’t own our other halves. Surely he can look after himself.

I can't imagine being upset in the circumstances you describe, but I wouldn't like someone touching me in that way. Not because of any designs they might have on me, but because I hate it when people are tactile with me. So I wouldn't be happy if you did it to me, but I probably wouldn't notice if you did it to my DH.

This is so weird-him wanting to spend time with your daughter, you touching his face, her holding your hand....

Odd.

It all sounds really odd.

I've never known a couple be so insistent on having a place in a child's life & all done without asking your opinion on it.

I'd be walking away, quickly.

I wouldn't have a problem if you touched his hair, though I suspect your friends see it as more, is there any chance she thinks you flirt alittle prior to the head rub, it sounds like it push her over the edge. It is hard to friends with a couple when you're single. 3 is a crowd. I would step away from them both. I'm sorry you have lost your friendship. I believe you were only acting friendly.

Sounds like the reaction was a bit OTT but if that is the way that she feels (but really how her husband feels as it is HIS body) then I would respect it and maintain a cordial relationship but consciously keep a distance.

I also think their insistence on being so close to your DD is a bit odd, and warning bells are ringing.

I'd leave the ball in her court now, if she wants to meet up make sure it's just her and you in the future.

Are they using your baby to play happy familys. Their behavior is ver odd, like it is all on their terms. I hope you are okay.

Having seen your last update I have revised my views: if your boundaries are a bit relaxed, hers are completely out of whack! There is something really a bit odd about her wanting to be best friends as soon as you were pregnant, not to mention the ‘treat DD as their own’...

I also think that she might have consigned you to the ‘mumsy’ box in her mind - poor single mum who needs our support. Now suddenly you are there, out at parties again, dressed up and probably looking good,she feels differently towards you.

Her reaction seems very OTT and she is clearly jealous and insecure hence her coming over and sitting on his lap. However my first thought when reading the OP was why on earth would you wake someone up at a party then waffle small talk at them. Surely you would just leave them to sleep. It's as if you are demanding his attention and then to sit with your arm around the back of him reinforces this. It's very easy to see how someone, especially if they are a jealous type, would interpret this. Maybe you should give some thought as to how your actions looked to her. I wouldn't dream of waking up a friends DH just so I could talk to them when I'm in a party at full flow, you could have spoken to literally anyone else there.

The friendship itself sounds very very weird. Their behaviour around your baby is worrying. I wouldn't want these people in my life. In any case, after her conversation with you I imagine the friendship is over

I would just apologise and explain that you were just trying to wake him up and didn’t mean it! Then distance yourself from the couple.....

This is ridiculous!! I sit on my best friends DH's lap at parties whenever there is no seat available! We all trust each other implicitly and would never accuse each other being inappropriate.

I think it's a good thing she told you how she feels but I don't think you were been unreasonable.

Aside from the insecurity of the friend and her ownership of her DH and classing her single friend as wanting any man within reach [I've experienced this and it is really insulting]...I really do not like the sound of this friendship.

To suddenly increase the intensity of the friendship when OP was pregnant, to 'want to treat the baby as their own' [what!], call some man OP hardly knows 'Uncle' and hand the daughter over to him is overpowering and controlling, and over stepping boundaries in spades.

I particularly do not like the friendship being classed as 'family'. They are not family. They use the phrase to wriggle into the OP and her daughters life even more. It's weird. What is their agenda? They should back right off so this incident is an eye opener to the OP and she should be glad to see how weird this all is...and get right away from them.

In my life someone has insisted over and over that I was 'family'. I found it very annoying. She was not 'family', I have my own and she is not part of it. I hated it when she said it. I took a step back, watched and waited and now I've walked away as I could see her agenda playing out. Me being in her life was very useful to her, like an insurance policy.

It was used as a way of keeping me in her life no matter what, no matter how rude, snappy, bad tempered and manipulative she was...a way of control for her benefit. Certainly not for my benefit as she didn't like anyone in my family but I had to adore those people in hers. In her words 'people in families snap at each other, get angry and fall out all the time'. [Not in my experience/family they don't as my family is quiet, hers are always having disagreements ].

In her head that meant she could talk to me in any way she wanted when she wouldn't talk to any other friend like it! It was very odd, quite disturbing to think she thought I could be taken in and played.

In the OP's case I find the interest in the daughter creepy to be honest, especially that from the man. OP should leave them both to it, walk away with her daughter and find better, genuine friends.

Ruffling hair in a matey way and running your fingers through their brow gently (if they have one, does he have one?) are very different.I've only ever done the latter with my DC or someone I was in love with. So yeah, sorry, that would be an intimate gesture to me, drunk or not. Moreover you don't seem to like your friend very much. Maybe she senses that.

She touched his head? She didn't whack his dick out?

The friend is being way OTT.

"I couldn’t give a shit about a head pat in a crowded room, am really surprised others re saying they’d be pissed off. "

Well nobody gets to touch my head or face and I'm single. As others have said, it's very intimate.
A boss touched my face once when he'd had a drink and I definitely think I could have made a sexual harassment complaint if I'd wanted to.
There are areas of the body you can touch - mainly arms and elbows, and ones you can't, unless you're very close.

A head pat is very different to stroking someone’s hair. There’s touching someone’s head and touching someone’s head.

Perhaps it's the husband she doesn't trust, esp if a bit drunk. Don't know why you were waking him up tho.
Also be careful letting people care for your child.

Intimately involved with you and your baby?

Sort your choice of wording out or you'll be getting yourself into more bother!

My god the Op didn't grab him in the crotch. A lot of people on here need to get over themselves. It is not a big deal.

Intimate with you and your baby daughter???? .... This sounds wrong.

Brushing your hand across his head/hair was kind of too 'intimate' and you shouldn't have done this.

OP I really would disregard most of the shocked responses on here!!

It sounds like a simple alcohol-induced, spur of the moment act of genuine affection towards a friend.

I can't believe some posters are suggesting that your friends will distance themselves

How many people have you told that they are intimate with your baby...... Your looking at a social services or police visit,

I think the people who are shrieking about social services in relation to the OP's use of the term 'intimate' should book themselves into a quick course in reading comprehension for beginners.