Was I inappropriate towards my friends husband

[Mummblebee]

Went to a friends gathering yesterday. She is a newly wed. We've been friends for over 10 years. Towards the end of the night I was sitting on the couch and friends husband was falling asleep. Room full of people, lots of alcohol, music still going. I was about to start talking to husband then realising he was beginning to fall asleep I literally brushed my hand over his head, he woke up and I started rambling on about small talk. My friend came over and sat on his lap and we all carried on chatting I thought nothing of it. We have a photo of that exact moment with me sitting next to her husband with my arm on the back of the couch.. Her on his lap and me holding her hand. Clearly very affectionate towards the pair of them. I a big supporter of them as a couple and they have been quite intimately involved with me and my daughter. I'm a single mum.

Today friend text me and said we need to talk.. I called her and she said she thought t it was very inappropriate that I touched her husband on the hair and noone should touch her husband at all as its disrespectful. I was quite taken aback. There was absolutely nothing malicious on my part at all. I was clearly touchy with them both. Did I cross an obvious boundary with my friends husband or is she just insecure?

This friend and her husband are very intimately involved with my baby daughter and myself. So I just assumed we are all comfortable and good friends. They are always saying that we are family but clearly I need to be very careful as to not make people feel uncomfortable.

Was this single act crossing boundaries for most married people?

If i didnt know you it would annoy me, but as close friends i would not confront you unless i had other reasons to think you needed clearer boundaries

IMO, it was inappropriate (does seem a strange place to touch someone to wake them) and she is insecure. I wouldn't be overly keen to have someone in my life who is going to be all 'oooh, single mum out to steal my husband' now she is married.

This once, I would apologise, explain you meant nothing by it but you won't do it again, and perhaps keep your distance for a bit. Also examine yourself - be as sure as you can be that there is nothing more than friendship in your feelings for him. But keep a bit of a weather eye out and don't let her manoeuvre you into the role of predatory single mum.

Are you reliant on them for childcare? If so, I would start finding another solution, tbh.

It wouldnt have bothered me?

Unless you're touching his pubic hair I wouldn't have an issue with you touching another man's hair. I think your friend has issues with you, and perhaps you're not as close as you'd think. Her behaviour is weird, as are many of the responses here.

What was it really about just a single act?

There are women out there who are just actively troublesome when it comes to other people's relationships. I know the MN consensus is that you can't say these things and if you'd like said woman to just piss off over there please thanks, that makes you insecure; doesn't make it any less true though.

She's told you how she feels. Just be mindful of it next time

You may be encouraged on here to blame her - all well and good, but this is the internet. In real life you just won't come across well on this; you have to think if you want to lose the friendship really. Only you know.

It's like the start of a badly made porn film.

^ This

I wouldn’t be pleased if a friend, no matter how close, started touching my hair for any reason, and I think I’d be quite startled if I was drifting off to sleep and someone started stroking it.

Ywbu.
It was innapropriate.

I think she is over reacting a bit. But I find it odd that he has any contact with your DD. Adults don't usually have much interest in toddlers. I find it odd they both kiss and cuddle your DD.

It's her that's lways encouraging us all to does time together because he really likes my daughter.. Which at first I wasn't at all comfortable with as I didn't really know him but over time I do feel comfortable with him as a friend.

^ this struck me as being really weird. Your gut instinct is telling you something hence why you weren't comfortable.

"I completely understand what their boundaries are now and will act accordingly"

You've said you are sorry for crossing her (imho weird) boundary so that should be the end of it. This lady sounds possessive though so you might inadvertently upset her easily- as you've described it it sounds perfectly innocent.

Personally I think it’s an over reaction on her part but highlights that she may feel slightly insecure about their relationship.

I wouldnt think anything of rufflling a friends hair to wake them up but I would be most likely to elbow them or flick some water.

I would take her feelings on board though and text ‘was trying to wake him up but apologies, I wouldn’t want to upset either of you’

What a bunch of weirdos. Why are people so bothered? It's just a friend touching a friend in an innocent way. It was done openly and in a late night party/drunk type of environment. People need to get over themselves. Being that jealous/protective isn't the best way to avoid being cheated on, quite the opposite I'd say.

But yeah, as others are saying, if she doesn't like it err on the side of not doing it.

It's her that's lways encouraging us all to does time together because he really likes my daughter.. Which at first I wasn't at all comfortable with as I didn't really know him but over time I do feel comfortable with him as a friend

Why did you feel uncomfortable...?

It seems pretty routine 'drunken party' behaviour to me. Ruffling hair? It doesn't sound naughty!

@oblada

Agreed. I'm actually incredulous so many people think that's inappropriate. What the fuck 😂😂😂

"I'd be uncomfortable if someone touched my husband like that"

Didn't realise he was your property only to be touched on your terms

The last male friend whose hair I stroked to wake him up while drunk, I married

I think stroking someone’s hair is different to ruffling it affectionately. It isn’t clear from your post which is was.

If a friend stroked my husband’s hair, I would feel it a bit odd but in all honesty I wouldn’t bother say anything because I would know the intention of flirting was not there.

I think it is a boundary you crossed but I also think she seems insecure to have bothered to mention it. This would suggest that your relationship being so close is making her uncomfortable. Perhaps other lines have been crossed?

If one of my friends touched my husband on the face, wouldn’t bothere me in the slightest. I trust them and I trust my husband. Actually very at all the posters saying it’s wrong, maybe your should get some friends you trust to be around your husband.

I think you’ve got a thing for her husband and she knows it.

It wasn’t just a normal,touch though, was it?

Touching your child is irrelevant as there are entirely different social norms about touching children, generally.

You chose to sit beside a dozing man. You chose to stroke his head. Most men find being touched on the head outside of a relationship inappropriate. There is evidence from Oxford, where a touching body map was produced.

Most women would be perturbed if a man stroked their head when they were asleep and might think it more than slightly weird. What on Earth were you thinking of? Not the actions of a friend to a newlywed.

Your friend is right to raise it or there would be unspoken tensions evermore but sadly, the damage might already have been done and you may have lost their trust.

Birdsgottafly
Sorry, I wasn't very wasn't clear. I wouldn't mind my close friend waking OH up by patting his head, pretty sure he wouldn't be bothered either. Known her a long time.
But when it comes to me, I'm really prickly in terms of being touched - get uncomfortable having to hug/kiss when greeting people etc. (I think I might be socially inept) OH is opposite.
I'm not sure if misread what OP did - was it a sort of head wobble or more like 'petting'?
If it was the latter, I would think it a bit strange but probably wouldn't say anything (if it was out of the ordinary, otherwise I'd be wondering what's going on).

I have a feeling that this woman and her husband have drawn you in to this ‘intimate’ relationship as it has suited them (her) for some reason. Perhaps she got off on being seen as a caring friend? Perhaps she wants children and her husband doesn’t do your dd is a way of bringing him round? A previous poster mentioned narcissism and I think that is what your ‘friend’ suffers from. There is a type of friend who glories in putting on big displays of affection at key times as it puts themselves in a good light or is useful to them. Whether it’s organising a hen do in a ridiculously over the top manner, or suddenly being the ‘bestest’ mate of a newly-single friend, when the wedding’s over or boredom has set in, you don’t see them for dust. in my case I had a friend who supported me when I had issues and when I was stronger she couldn’t bear it and was an absolute bitch to me, almost to keep me down and where she wanted me.
I know someone who seems to sway between being over the top lovely one minute and then completely blanking and cutting out the next. She also seems to revel in being ostentatiously lovely to some while blanking and ignoring others. It’s a power thing that quite frankly they should have got over towards the end of year 9 but never have.
How does she behave towards others? Does she have nice regular supportive friendships and lots of old friends or does she flit from one to another, bewildering them in her wake? When you examine her ‘good’ friendships, is there a purpose for her to maintain them?
I know several narcissists and all hold on to certain key friendships because there is a material value (horses, holiday homes), an elevation of social status involved (related to famous people, upper or upper middle class), a use (childcare, work-related, school-related in the interests of her children)... very few of these friendships are maintained out of love and a need ‘just to stay in touch’.

I’d like to think I can spot a narcissist quite quickly - usually the first giveaway is that you’ll see them be quite nasty and vicious to someone else and feel utterly justified in their behaviour with no remorse. Sometimes you’ll find they want to get too close too quickly and will reel you in with flattery and love bombing.

Just a ramble on a Sunday morning, sorry for the essay, but if it makes you feel better op read up in NArcissistic personality disorder and see if it applies to your friend/s.

I think stroking someone’s hair is different to ruffling it affectionately. It isn’t clear from your post which is was.

That's what I'm wondering.

If she was fine at the time I would suggest that someone else saw you (or the photo) and said something