Was I inappropriate towards my friends husband

[Mummblebee]

Went to a friends gathering yesterday. She is a newly wed. We've been friends for over 10 years. Towards the end of the night I was sitting on the couch and friends husband was falling asleep. Room full of people, lots of alcohol, music still going. I was about to start talking to husband then realising he was beginning to fall asleep I literally brushed my hand over his head, he woke up and I started rambling on about small talk. My friend came over and sat on his lap and we all carried on chatting I thought nothing of it. We have a photo of that exact moment with me sitting next to her husband with my arm on the back of the couch.. Her on his lap and me holding her hand. Clearly very affectionate towards the pair of them. I a big supporter of them as a couple and they have been quite intimately involved with me and my daughter. I'm a single mum.

Today friend text me and said we need to talk.. I called her and she said she thought t it was very inappropriate that I touched her husband on the hair and noone should touch her husband at all as its disrespectful. I was quite taken aback. There was absolutely nothing malicious on my part at all. I was clearly touchy with them both. Did I cross an obvious boundary with my friends husband or is she just insecure?

This friend and her husband are very intimately involved with my baby daughter and myself. So I just assumed we are all comfortable and good friends. They are always saying that we are family but clearly I need to be very careful as to not make people feel uncomfortable.

Was this single act crossing boundaries for most married people?

Or perhaps it’s just a power thing? She calls the shots on the levels of intimacy allowed here. What you did was out of her control and she didn’t like it one bit.

I think your boundaries have become a bit too relaxed.

Arm along the back of the chair is something I associate with men who are trying to physically move in on me. Avoid, unless that is the impression you want to give. It would have been quite easy for him to get the wrong idea from your body language too.

Upper arms and shoulders, yes - ok to touch. Anywhere else, no.

Also think carefully about if you really want them both to be caring for your daughter.

I have def had my hair ruffled by friend’s dh and another friebd’s Dad - both of whom I know very well - never thought anything of it other than affection. Can’t see the issue tbh. Yes, it’s quite a personal touch but if you know the person well it’s actually a very nice gesture.
Maybe your friend is more of the jealous type? Just say that you’re sorry and won’t do it again?

I don't think you did anything wrong but everyone has different boundaries and now you know theirs (well... Hers) you should say you're sorry and make sure you stay a clear distance from her husband, metaphorically and physically, for a while. I agree with PP maybe she feels paranoid / upset about the relationship at the moment and your tiny act of 'intimacy' felt threatening.

I say intimacy because touching someone on the head or face is quite intimate and is usually only done with close friends and family (or romantically).

So if i saw one of our good female friends, or one of my husband's good female friends, do this i wouldn't mind but if i came back from the loo at a bar to find a stranger touching my husband's face or hair i would definitely not like it!

Honestly OP only you know if it was a moment of genuine friendly tenderness or wistful longing. I am a very tactile person and will kiss, hug and touch all my friends. There's nothing in it when i do, so i am sure you're the same.

I’m genuinely surprised at how many people would be bothered by this. While I might be more likely to touch an arm to wake someone up I wouldn’t even think twice if someone touched my husband’s head briefly to wake him. I’m trying to imagine how that could even really look inappropriate?!

I trust my husband 100% though. Maybe ur friend has some trust issues with hers and that’s why it made her so uncomfortable?

She’s made her boundaries clear so you’ll know to be careful in future but I don’t think you should beat yourself up about this incident - I think it says a lot more about her relationship than it does about you tbh.

It wouldn’t bother me at all. If someone did it to my OH when I was out of the room I don’t even think he’d be bothered enough to tell me either.

I don’t think yabu unreasonable personally.

I've known friend for 15 years we have been friends for 10.. I met her husband a few months midway through my pregnancy. Friend never babysits by the way. The party was the first time I left my daughter with anyone (my sister).
I was uncomfortable when I had my baby because friend said "we will treat dd as our own" and saying things like "go to uncle" passing my newborn to her husband to cuddle and kiss when I walked out of the room.. I did not know him so it was very presumtous behaviour of her, instead of letting me naturally get to know her husband and an organic relationship develop over time with my dd.

I considered her a friend yes, but before pregnancy I hadn't seen her for about a year as she was always too busy. Then when I got pregnant all of a sudden she became very full on and almost changed the dynamic of our friendship to "best friends/family" overnight presumably she wanted them as a couple to share in the joy of dd..

I've been hearing that we are all family for months and months since reconnecting and over time yes I can see her husband is a nice man and good for friend..

Because I had dd I feel she wanted us to all be closer than we actually were so they could be involved.. And now when I'm comfortable, possibly over familiar on this one occasion, thinking we are all friends, I am painted out to a predator who now, doesn't add value to them as a couple anyway?

She knew I touched his hair because we were in a room full of people all having a good time. It was not a secretive thing. It literally happened in the space of 3 seconds so she must have been watching him like a hawk and clearly does not trust me and questions my intentions.

Tbh I think I'll give them space to settle in as newly weds and if she wants to meet up in future she can come to my place or we can meet up in a public place. It's her who encouraged a full on relationship with her husband.. Me.. My daughter as I'm assuming she wanted him to be fully integrated into her life.. Friendships and he's not from this country and doesn't know many people over here.
I have no problem taking a massive step back and not socialising with him as I obviously make her uncomfortable and i'll need to walk on eggshells. Please don't tell me we are family and try to assume titles like uncle as you clearly don't want anyone to be over familiar with "your" husband and now this is clear.

If she had been consistent and not so intense when I had dd then I would barely know her husband personally. How odd.

Tbh it's just a learning lesson. I will just be civil in future with people's husbands because and more mindful of being to friendly. I wouldn't want to offend anyone or be accused of having malicious intentions at all.

Yes I am single and the implication is that I can't be trusted and now all of a sudden I don't add value to them as a couple and they are a massive assett to me. Get to F*!

She sounds a gem!

I would step back.
Firstly being over involved with yoyr dd and crossing your boundaries are apparently ok but touching her husband to move him is not?

She really has ideas of her own importance. And she is not a friend at all. Just someone who has been using you to play at being 'mum' with your child. She doesnt value your friendship and her threats are pretty pathetic. "Do as i say or i will drop you' sounds like everyone else at the wedfing were right she is a comtroller.

You will be much happier without trying to live up to her expectations of your behaviour while she sees herself as queen bee.

Anyone touching my husband's head would have their hand cut off

Jesus H.

Op, she's weird, and nope she doesn't trust you, her coming to sit on his lap was your first clue.

Step well back, no one needs this drama.

It sounds like they're both more interested in your baby than you, which I find weird. A bit of distance between you all is probably a good thing.

I’d be more concerned about the lack of boundaries between this couple and your daughter. They seem to want to be overly involved.

She's overreacting. You touched his hair not his crotch FFS

I'm not a particularly easy-going person but if a really close friend of mine did this I don't think I would care. I think she's been a bit silly.

Il counter the general consensus with a wee ditty..

My husband got so drunk he passed out face down on the couch. My lovely friends took his socks off, rolled him a little, covered him in blankets and tenderly lifted his head to slide a pillow underneath.

As I am so close to my friends I thought it was wonderful that they would look after mine own in such a warm and obviously caring way.

All while I was laughing like a banshee in the other room.

I think the husband fancies you and the couple have already argued about this.

OP, it really sounds like an innocent head pat. In the context you've just described, it would not bother me if you woke my OH up like this, I wouldn't even think about it tbh.
It seems she has her own issues with trust and her DH. It's grim for you to be caught in this. If I was in your position, I'd take the opportunity to bow out of the friendship for the sake of your own sanity.

She does sound a bit bonkers

They sound like absolute weirdos OP - I would definitely be phasing them out.

Anyone touching my husband's head would have their hand cut off

Alright you absolute psycho

Wow there's some seriously uptight people on here! She touched his head!! How is that possibly over stepping any boundaries?

Anyone touching my husband's head would have their hand cut off

God some people are fucking weirdos. Calm down, no one is trying to steal your husband.

You'd all have hated the Christmas we went to my mum's and her friends and their daughter (our age) was there, she was trying to sit on my DH's knee and was hanging off him all night as the poor sod looked terrified. But because I'm not a psychopath I just brushed it off and thought how embarrassed she will feel in the morning.

I’m amazed at the people who would be bothered by this. Must be extremely insecure. It wouldnt bother me in the slightest. Why is a man’s head so off limits? Bizzare

Has she been using your dd as a practised run?

Clearly she has issues. I would distance myself, I'm not it liking this new man in your life kissing and cuddling your dd. Bit weird.

Good lord this really wouldn’t even register with me. Once I went home from a works do with a colleague (and friend) who was dating my housemate (and friend) - hence getting a taxi back to mine together. We’d both had drinks but him much more so than me. On the taxi ride back he wasn’t feeling too good and then fell asleep with his head on my lap! In my slightly drunk state I didn’t know what to do so I just sort of patted / stroked his hair in a “there there” way.

I told her in the morning and she thought it was hilarious. I have zero intentions towards him, it was just a funny moment which we used to rub him about for a few days afterwards.

You’ve done nothing wrong op.
It’s bizarre.