Was I inappropriate towards my friends husband

[Mummblebee]

Went to a friends gathering yesterday. She is a newly wed. We've been friends for over 10 years. Towards the end of the night I was sitting on the couch and friends husband was falling asleep. Room full of people, lots of alcohol, music still going. I was about to start talking to husband then realising he was beginning to fall asleep I literally brushed my hand over his head, he woke up and I started rambling on about small talk. My friend came over and sat on his lap and we all carried on chatting I thought nothing of it. We have a photo of that exact moment with me sitting next to her husband with my arm on the back of the couch.. Her on his lap and me holding her hand. Clearly very affectionate towards the pair of them. I a big supporter of them as a couple and they have been quite intimately involved with me and my daughter. I'm a single mum.

Today friend text me and said we need to talk.. I called her and she said she thought t it was very inappropriate that I touched her husband on the hair and noone should touch her husband at all as its disrespectful. I was quite taken aback. There was absolutely nothing malicious on my part at all. I was clearly touchy with them both. Did I cross an obvious boundary with my friends husband or is she just insecure?

This friend and her husband are very intimately involved with my baby daughter and myself. So I just assumed we are all comfortable and good friends. They are always saying that we are family but clearly I need to be very careful as to not make people feel uncomfortable.

Was this single act crossing boundaries for most married people?

YY @Nenic I feel sorry for the OH's of everyone here saying OP IBU, how awful to feel like someone's property who must not be touched by others. Pathetic

I actually think their behaviour with you and the baby was far more odd than you stroking his head. It’s not really normal to have not seen someone for a year and then want to be super involved in someone else’s baby.

I could totally see myself brushing a close friend's head. But if his wife complained I would apologise and try to give a bit more distance out of respect for her feelings.

I wouldn't worry about it tbh. Just say sorry I didn't mean anything by it.

It was an intimate gesture not sexual to you. Not all friendly intimacy is sexual. If she's newlywed she's just feeling more possessive than normal.

Just brush it aside. Your grumbles about her are coming out because you're annoyed about her telling you off. Forget about it and enjoy having good friends

Yanbu, you're close friends.

That if "people" don't respect her boundaries she has no problem cutting "people" out of her life. Especially when "people" don't add any value to them as a couple.

Whoa. Bit psycho.

Really, I'd back right off. She has every right to set a boundary - any boundary, that's her and anyone's prerogative - but to attack you, and your worth, as a person is not acceptable.

She sounds difficult. But from experience I don't think it's a good idea to be close friends with a couple. Just my opinion. Something like this almost always happens, marking territory.

Plus imo her overriding interest is your daughter. I don't think this is going to pan out as lifelong friends, all your kids playing together, sadly. Such a shame.

But try not to demonise her back. Relationships like this have a tendency to implode eventually.

Oh also maybe she is a little bit envious of you and your dd.

But maybe she just really wanted to get married and have her own family and showing off your gorgeous dd was a way to say"see look we could have a family like this"

You can get annoyed about that or just treat it as a compliment

You did nothing wrong. She sounds a bit strange.

Is she involving herself with your DD, because she wants a baby? Maybe she's trying to convince her new DH by showing him how cute your baby is?

I don't think she likes you much though. Your DD is the attraction to your friendship. I would back off and stop the 'family' artifice immediately. This man is NOT your child's uncle. That stuff's creepy.

I don’t think you overstepped boundaries at all OP. You ruffled his hair to wake him up. A friend of 10 years whom you feel comfortable with, who treat rah the floor family and see regularly but you aren’t allowed to touch him. So you can’t give him a hug? Her reaction seems very odd and over the top to me.

I think that you should back right away tbh.

Isn't the point more how he felt about it anyway?

Did you stroke his hair/head? You haven't answered that anywhere. Because all touches are not the same and that might have made the difference here. Perhaps he felt uncomfortable and said so. If someone ruffled my hair I wouldn't like it (I'm not touchy feely) but if they stroked my head I would definitely flinch/jump. It is an intimate touch stroking someone's hair - to me it feels like it is anyway. I might wake my partner or child up like that, but not a friend whether male or female.

It can be shit sometimes being the single friend of couples. I was a single mum on my own for a long time and had a few uncomfortable things happen. One female friend told he that her DH "had a thing" for me, and I just felt awkward, "Okaay, don't know what I'm supposed to say to that really". That's nice for him?

Though I'm the opposite of touchy feely and even hug a bit awkwardly so I tend to stand a few feet away from other folk's partners. lol

I'd be more annoyed that you tried to wake him up! How bloody annoying....just do you could ramble on!

Have been thinking about this one (and reading the more amusing responses) and I think I understand why you are hurt, because the truth is if it were my DH, my reaction would depend entirely on whether or not I trusted the other woman

Why was her DH so keen to be involved with your daughter?

Your drip feed about cutting people out sounds as though she is threatening you to behave. Thank your lucky stars you found out what she is made of.

I'm guessing that when you say he's not from this country, then the 'uncle' business is how they refer to older males in his culture? Either way, it doesn't matter - if I were you, I'd keep away. They sound a bit odd and probably best not to have your child too involved with them.

@Mummblebee it's such a shame she's done this, for me it would taint the friendship and I would actually question her intentions (not yours!). Sounds like maybe she is more interested in your baby then in you as a person if she views things like this, or has actually acted on her insecurities.

She must have known that this would basically never now be the same? We are all aloud to have these private thoughts and fears but to bring it up, she has made a decision that cant be reversed now. She is within her rights to do this, but you are now within your rights to do the same regarding your daughter.

Sounds like you could say the very same thing to her/them about your baby no? but you are secure that they don't want to steal her, she is obviously not secure that you don't want to steal him.

Good luck op, and I think distancing yourself now is best, and will organically happen. Sure you will all remain friends, but this proves you are not family and that the relationship with her will just not stay as close as it has.

Could be healthier to be honest, but it doesn't need to be a drama. You just know where you stand a bit more now. Trust is the basis of all relationships and this woman doesn't trust you, so you are within your rights not to trust her frankly with looking after your daughter

She's massively insecure.

I'm not a jealous type so It wouldn't bother me. It may have been a bit odd if you hardly knew him but you are good friends. You didn't put your arm round him and give him a kiss ffs! You were also sitting right in the middle of the room. If you had dubious intentions you would have done this out of clear view of everyone.

I'd actually be quite pissed off about this because it's making the assumption that because you are single you find him, and any other man presumably, attractive! The fact she came over and plopped on his lap is stating clear ownership.

If i was you I'd start backing off now and don't make any more plans with them.

I don't think I would even notice if a friend touched my DPs hair. At most I would think it was odd but I wouldn't be cross, especially not if you were all drunk. I trust my DP and I trust my friends. Otherwise they wouldn't be my friends

I once sat through an evening where one friend (not friends anymore for many reasons) spent the entire time touching my DP. I think it was to show how close we all were but even that didn't bother me too much, it was more funny as DP looked terrified.

I think probably best if you withdraw from the friendship a bit, she's made her position clear and she clearly doesn't regard you as close a friend as you thought.

And can I just add that everyone I know not only lets, but encourages hugging, touching and general close relationships between our female/male friends and their respective partners within our close circle of friends who we consider 'family'.

We trust each other, that's why we are close friends!

The last party we went to ( a few years ago now because we have a baby) one of my best friends was sitting on my partners lap while another applied a mud mask on him. We have all know each other since school (20 years).

Admittedly he was trying to escape their drunken clutches and the one sitting on him was more pinning him down for his 'facial'. But this woman needs to get a life really if she refers to you as 'family' then her behavior is really not normal

I think she seems strange. You weren't touching him sexually and it should be a non-issue. She obviously feels insecure as she went over immediately after and sat on his lap! I would keep my distance in future and don't let them get too involved with your daughter.

The plain fact is that you have noticed now- she was a bit over-obsessed about being 'part of your family' and now she thinks you are after her husband.

I agree you need to back out of this situation, I don't think you have done anything wrong (in public, in front of her!) , just use it as a point at which to reset the friendship which was a little over the top anyway.

You don't need 'uncles' you don't know that well and you don't need to be accused of things- just get on with your life and if she can fit back in as a non-paranoid friend, great, if not, then go and make some steadier friends with better boundaries. I can see why this has upset you-i'm sure you didn't mean anything by it which is why being accused is so awful- and the threats to cut you off? She really thinks she's better with that husband of hers than other people! Leave them to it.

Ok, it was clearly an innocent move on your part, and not necessarily ‘wrong ‘ in the context of the moment.

But people have their own boundaries and sensitivities and that is fine: we must respect those around touch and personal space, whoever they are.

Kissing and cuddling your small child in no way means that everyone within the friendship can kiss and cuddle.

I hope your friend has had her say and you can all move on. Good luck!

If a friend touched my husband's hair to wake him up I would have no issues with that at all.

I am secure enough in my marriage and friendships that touching hair just wouldn't be an issue and I am actually someone who can become jealous more easily than others.

It is such a non- event. You touched his hair/head. She clearly has a touch of the green eyed monster.

OTT reaction from friend. You’ve done nothing wrong. You probably need to give one of those apologies that don’t mean anything (that David Cameron was good at) along the lines of “I’m sorry if I’ve offended you” and try to move on, if you want to keep the friendship. If....

You repeated it a couple of times OP that you don't add value to their life and they think they're an asset to you - did she actually say it? A strange turn of phrase.

Wow cringing that she came and sat on his lap in a ‘he’s mine’ stance pmsl how old is she? That’s pretty sad behaviour. It’s his hair lol what a fuss about nothing. Since when did being in a marriage mean owning the other person and in this case every hair on their head? Truly distance yourself from her she’s got trust issues and is taking it out on you.

Dh would have more problems than me if anyone touched his hair. He hates it being touched. It wouldn't wake him up though. He needs a sharp dig in the ribs even when he's just dozing off.

But it sounds to me like there's a lot more. The whole set up from that moment sounds off:

I was about to start talking to husband then realising he was beginning to fall asleep I literally brushed my hand over his head, he woke up and I started rambling on about small talk. My friend came over and sat on his lap and we all carried on chatting I thought nothing of it. We have a photo of that exact moment with me sitting next to her husband with my arm on the back of the couch.. Her on his lap and me holding her hand.

If I was going to talk to someone, and he started to fall asleep, I would leave them unless what I had to say was urgent. Wouldn't occur to me that it was a good thing to keep them awake.
If you did want them to wake up, then a shake of the shoulders/nudge on the arm would be far better and more natural.

Then you started "rambling on about small talk". Why would you wake someone up for that? I would have thought his dozing off was enough of a hint that he wasn't really wanting small talk at that point. You said there were lots of people there, so why was it so important HE paid attention to you.

And sitting there holding her hand? Really? I have held an adult lady's hand when comforting her when she was grieving. Other than for safety or being silly I can't think of any other occasion I've seen adult ladies holding hands.

And I agree about sitting next to him with an arm on the back of the couch. Again something I've only seen done to imply "interest".

I suspect there was more going on here beforehand than you want to admit. I wonder whether him dozing was a hint that he wasn't playing ball.