Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Was I inappropriate towards my friends husband

258 replies

Mummblebee · 25/11/2018 00:21

Went to a friends gathering yesterday. She is a newly wed. We've been friends for over 10 years. Towards the end of the night I was sitting on the couch and friends husband was falling asleep. Room full of people, lots of alcohol, music still going. I was about to start talking to husband then realising he was beginning to fall asleep I literally brushed my hand over his head, he woke up and I started rambling on about small talk. My friend came over and sat on his lap and we all carried on chatting I thought nothing of it. We have a photo of that exact moment with me sitting next to her husband with my arm on the back of the couch.. Her on his lap and me holding her hand. Clearly very affectionate towards the pair of them. I a big supporter of them as a couple and they have been quite intimately involved with me and my daughter. I'm a single mum.

Today friend text me and said we need to talk.. I called her and she said she thought t it was very inappropriate that I touched her husband on the hair and noone should touch her husband at all as its disrespectful. I was quite taken aback. There was absolutely nothing malicious on my part at all. I was clearly touchy with them both. Did I cross an obvious boundary with my friends husband or is she just insecure?

This friend and her husband are very intimately involved with my baby daughter and myself. So I just assumed we are all comfortable and good friends. They are always saying that we are family but clearly I need to be very careful as to not make people feel uncomfortable.

Was this single act crossing boundaries for most married people?

OP posts:
Celebelly · 25/11/2018 12:25

en.oxforddictionaries.com/definition/intimate

Here you go, folks. Think this might be helpful.

krustykittens · 25/11/2018 12:32

Tbh, OP, alarm bells are ringing for me in the way she has behaved, by trying to take over your daughter and make herself and her husband the centre of your little family. That is really unhealthy for you and your DD and crossing far, far bigger boundaries than you stroking her DH's hair!

gamerchick · 25/11/2018 12:42

OP you haven't done anything wrong, don't apologise anymore.

You can say that you are happy she's brought up boundaries as you're uncomfortable about how she and her husband are around your daughter and maybe it would be best to cool things for a bit now. Wish her well and then give her a swerve from now on.

You'll not feel uncomfortable around them now

gamerchick · 25/11/2018 12:44

*comfortable

bloodyhellimtired · 25/11/2018 12:55

I'd take a massive step back from this op. Seeing to your daughter and treating her as their own, but putting you in your place when they feel like it. They will start to feel that they have some rights over your dd and overstep boundaries.
It's very weird that she got so involved with you when you had your baby. And honestly if anyone ever spoke to me like she did to you on the phone I'd cut them off anyway.

Tookawrongturnsomewhere · 25/11/2018 13:05

I think it was a case of her feeling insecure and asserting herself. I think it's more about her than you. Having said that.. Do you really want to feel you have to be careful as you are seen as the single one posing a threat to them.. I don't understand why you want to spend so much time with them. Have you any other close friends with whom you can just be yourself? I couldn't handle that feeling of overstepping a mark which is based on their own boundaries within their own relationship.. Run a mile and leave them to it. You ve apologized as you didn't intend to upset her but it all sounds way out of proportion. A friend of mine used to kiss my DP on lips as a hello or goodbye.. She did it with other blokes too.. Made me see red but that's another story.

Failingat40 · 25/11/2018 13:45

Forget the perceived slight of you touching his hair (gasp!!) Confused Non issue to me unless there's a back story to this....

It's this part that stood out to me and is much more of a red flag It's her that's lways encouraging us all to does time together because he really likes my daughter.. Which at first I wasn't at all comfortable with as I didn't really know him but over time I do feel comfortable with him as a friend.

He really likes your daughter, yet you hardly knew him?? You have now got to know him believing you have a close family type relationship yet you've been called out for acting over-familiar with him??
Something is not right with this, and it's definitely not you.

Draw a line and protect yourself and your dd.

Skyejuly · 25/11/2018 13:49

I don't think that would have bothered me at all.

biggidybon · 25/11/2018 14:11

I think it's weird you brushed his head while he was sleeping. I would have elbowed him although I appreciate people have different opinions of what is considered touchy-feely. Any gentle delicate soft touch would be overstepping the line in my book.

I also think it's weird your friend went to sit on his lap. She sounds super insecure. I would just have waited until after the party to tell my DP I saw the face touching and I'd fully expect my OP to tell my how weirded out he had been. I would have trusted my DP to manage the close touching situation alone but she clearly doesn't. I agree with others that perhaps he has told his wife he thinks your pretty or something as she is clearly uncomfortable with the relationship (whatever that may be) between you both. I don't think your three way bond is what it seems. My advice is for you to back well off from him to allow her to work out her insecurities.

Racheyg · 25/11/2018 14:12

I wouldn't have cared less if you touched my dh hair/ head. ( he is bald )

She sounds very insecure and possibly jealous you have a baby?

MemoryOfSleep · 25/11/2018 15:38

Agree with whoever said their attitude towards your DD is weird. I'd keep well clear.

OneStepSideways · 25/11/2018 16:05

I think she's being over dramatic and rather silly! Touching his hair is an affectionate gesture, I've occasionally touched male friends' hair at parties and wouldn't think twice if a close friend stroked my DH's hair (especially when drunk!)

A close friend of mine once slapped his bum when she was drunk, he was a bit startled but laughed it off. She was mortified the next day and we still tease her about it!

Strugglingtodomybest · 25/11/2018 17:21

I think a lot of posters are missing the point about boundaries. If it had been the husband who had told OP that he didn't like his hair being touched - fine. But it wasn't, instead his wife is acting like he is her possession.

she said she thought t it was very inappropriate that I touched her husband on the hair and noone should touch her husband at all as its disrespectful.

no mention of him not liking it.

Whatthefunk · 25/11/2018 17:43

this would be such a non issue for me... Inappropriate touching?? Crazy!

RedLife · 25/11/2018 18:03

Do they have dc of their own?

Jennywren2978 · 25/11/2018 18:25

Is this the same friend who at her wedding, when throwing the bouquet, who loudly, in front of all the guests, singled you out as a single mother who should go and catch it?
If it is same friend I'd definitely ditch her and never look back! She sounds like a self-centred, egocentric, narc who is all about me, me, me at the expense of others feelings.

Mummblebee · 26/11/2018 01:10

And sitting there holding her hand? Really? I have held an adult lady's hand when comforting her when she was grieving. Other than for safety or being silly I can't think of any other occasion I've seen adult ladies holding hands

It wasn't weird at the time. Just posing for a photo..

I suspect there was more going on here beforehand than you want to admit

no there really wasn't.. Other than greeting her dh I hadn't spoken to him before this encounter. There was no previous incident either

Their keen involvement with your daughter

all I've been hearing for months and months is "it takes a village" before coming on way too strong and overstepping and assuming roles. I now loath this saying lol

is there any chance she thinks you flirt alittle prior to the head rub, it sounds like it push her over the edge.

absolutely not.

I'd leave the ball in her court now, if she wants to meet up make sure it's just her and you in the future.

I will absolutely be doing this

Are they using your baby to play happy familys

my thoughts exactly Hmm

why on earth would you wake someone up at a party then waffle small talk at them. Surely you would just leave them to sleep.

It was thoughtless and in an intoxicated state. I was sitting on the couch next to him doing something on my phone. I started talking to him.. Looked over realised he was falling asleep.. Brushed my hand on his head. Once.. Not in a caressing way...but obviously I am comfortable with him.. Afterall it's been hammeeed home for months and months that" we are all family "and" it takes a village " he's playing" uncle". Admittedly if I was sober It wouldn't have happened but I was in that "friendly, we're all best buds state of mind after quite a lot to drink" . I'm not excusing it.. Now I know the boundaries and where I stand I will just keep my distance altogether and moving forward I think I will have to be cautious in being too friendly or over familiar with friends husbands etc.

Also be careful letting people care for your child.

will do! - Thanks.

It sounds like a simple alcohol-induced, spur of the moment act of genuine affection towards a friend.

It was this exactly. Whether right or wrong it's definitely not pattern of behaviour but a single alcohol induced occasion which nothing was meant by it and ive been made to feel like a predator

I would just apologise and explain that you were just trying to wake him up and didn’t mean it! Then distance yourself from the couple.....

thanks I did apologise, and will be distancing myself. She has said let's meet up next week.. If she does message to arrange I'll let her know that we both need to take a step back.

OP posts:
Mummblebee · 26/11/2018 01:32

Tbh, OP, alarm bells are ringing for me in the way she has behaved, by trying to take over your daughter and make herself and her husband the centre of your little family. That is really unhealthy for you and your DD and crossing far, far bigger boundaries than you stroking her DH's hair!

I completely agree

He really likes your daughter, yet you hardly knew him?? You have now got to know him believing you have a close family type relationship yet you've been called out for acting over-familiar with him??
Something is not right with this, and it's definitely not you.

Yes thank you.. I'm so glad that people get it.

My advice is for you to back well off from him to allow her to work out her insecurities.

I think it's more a case of this is how they manage their relationship and donht think there is anything wrong with it. She is very territorial and controlling and now I know to what extent. Will live and learn when interacting in future with married couples as you never know what is happening in someone's marriage or what their boundaries are and I'm not going to be used as a scape goat! Better to be safe then sorry I guess!

Do they have dc of their own?

no they dont

Is this the same friend who at her wedding, when throwing the bouquet, who loudly, in front of all the guests, singled you out as a single mother who should go and catch it?
If it is same friend I'd definitely ditch her and never look back! She sounds like a self-centred, egocentric, narc who is all about me, me, me at the expense of others feelings

hahaha. Hi jenny. Yes it is the same friend. Very intense and still causing me problems. Furthermore she's only this intense as she wants to get her hands on my daughter until she one day has her own! "friendship" is tiring! Time to go methinks!

thanks everyone. GOD LOVE MUMSNET!

OP posts:
SuchAToDo · 26/11/2018 02:02

I think a lot of posters are missing the point about boundaries. If it had been the husband who had told OP that he didn't like his hair being touched - fine. But it wasn't, instead his wife is acting like he is her possession

How do you know that the husband didn't tell his wife about op touching his hair and complained he didn't like it, hence the wife confronting op...the husband may not have felt in the moment he could say anything,...and yes he is a man but like anybody else he has the right not to be touched without his consent and if he is asleep he hadn't consented, it would be creepy for most people to awaken from dozing of to find someone touching your head/hair...he has every right to not like it and to feel uncomfortable and his wife has every right to say it's inappropriate because it is

ittakes2 · 26/11/2018 02:06

What you did suggested you were overly comfortable with being physical with her husband - touching someone’s hair is a very intimate thing.

LondonLassInTheCountry · 26/11/2018 02:14

""""""Intimately involved with your baby daughter """and they kiss and cuddle her like their own.

This is just weird!

Mummblebee · 26/11/2018 02:24

it would be creepy for most people to awaken from dozing of to find someone touching your head/hair...

I wasn't "touching" that implies it was prolonged. I briefly touched the top of his head to get his attention. Didn't sit there caressing him Confused. Innapropiate yes.. In context I believe understandable and an over reaction on her part. She rushed over sat on him and then felt the need to pull me up on it next say and indirectly threaten to cut me off as if I'm a threat or some unknown predator with affections for her man. Way over the top imo but I'm just a different personality type I guess!

OP posts:
bloodyhellimtired · 26/11/2018 03:34

You have a complete lack of boundaries and awareness. You need to be careful of the situations you put your daughter in.

Strugglingtodomybest · 26/11/2018 04:25

How do you know that the husband didn't tell his wife about op touching his hair and complained he didn't like it, hence the wife confronting op...

I don't know, you're right. But there was nothing in what the wife said to indicate that this is what happened.

Imo, the wife sounds controlling. If my DH took it upon himself to tell one of my friends off for touching me I would not be happy.

diddl · 26/11/2018 12:00

Oh it's that "friend".

Ditch her & don't look back-she's nasty.