Not everyone feels sorry for Mums of just boys or only children

[AlwaysFuckingTired]

Speaking to an acquaintance who mentioned feeling sorry for two of the women she works with in her office. One a Mum of 2 boys, and the other a Mum of one. Apparently she feels awkward as she thinks they're both jealous of her as she's a Mum of both sexes. I asked why she thought that, and she said "oh all women want a Daughter don't they? and everyone wants more than one" I said I've known lots of people happy with an only child or all boys, and she pulled an odd face as if she didn't believe me and said "well that's what people say"

AIBU to think she's a bit of a knob?

When I was pregnant and went to a village fete, two old ladies asked what I was having. I told them a girl and they said that was lucky because boys barely stay in touch once they're grown up and married whereas girls are like your best friend. Wildly generalising and generational maybe, but I suppose when girls are grown up they can at least relate in terms of biology, similar experiences etc. Maybe one child is the subconsciousfear of literally having all your eggs in one basket. Playing devil's advocate here as there's usually biological reasoning behind long-held, seemingly unreasonable beliefs.

As a mum of two boys I definitely have experienced this. Tbh raising two boys IS quite difficult 😂 however my sister has 2 girls and 2 boys and finds the boys easier so no one can generalise. I don't miss having a girl but if I decided to have another baby I would probably hope for one - I think that's only natural either way! Usually people who 'feel sorry' for people due to the sex or number of their children are probably unhappy with what they have and are just projecting

I am highly empathetic and worry about this too when I am around someone with just boys, or just girls or one. I’m sure it’s in my head but feel I have to down play how lucky I feel I am just in case they would like one of each.

🙄🤣

I also don't feel like there's anything wrong with having a preference when you're pregnant. I really wanted a second girl and before my scan started trying to force myself to say "I hope it's a boy" as I felt guilty for not wanting a boy. However if I'd been told in was having a boy I know that while I may have had an initial pang of disappointment I'd have been over it by the time I'd got home. A friend of mine has two boys; she really wanted a girl second time and after her scan admitted she'd felt some disappointment but again she got over it so quickly and of course adore her boys with no disappointment at all

"I told them a girl and they said that was lucky because boys barely stay in touch once they're grown up and married whereas girls are like your best friend"

Judging by the women in my family, that can be a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you treat your son's first serious girlfriend as the enemy who is trying to steal your baby boy, there's a good chance that you'll damage your relationship with your son.

Also, my extended family has always been very sexist: caring roles and emotional labour are definitely seen as being female responsibilities, while the men in the family have generally been encouraged to grow up quite selfish and irresponsible. It's not exactly a shock that it's been the daughters in every generation who ended up living close to their parents so they could care for them in old age. Yet the women in my family say "your son's your son until he gets a wife" etc, as though it's some kind of universal higher truth.

‘I am highly empathetic and worry about this too when I am around someone with just boys, or just girls or one. I’m sure it’s in my head but feel I have to down play how lucky I feel I am just in case they would like one of each.“

You must feel sad, a lot

‘I am highly empathetic and worry about this too when I am around someone with just boys, or just girls or one. I’m sure it’s in my head but feel I have to down play how lucky I feel I am just in case they would like one of each.“

You are empathic AND unintentionally hilarious!

I am highly empathetic and this means I am incapable of imagining other people's point of views might be different from my own?

She’s a knob.

People have some really weird hang ups about family sizes. I remember someone insisting I must "get on with a second" straight away (when DS was barely 6 months old) because, as she said in a hushed whisper, "only children are SO weird".

Yeah, thanks for that. I'm an only child and I never did get on with a sibling for DS due to infertility and life circumstances. But her comment stung and really stuck with me, and led me to years of insecurity and self-doubt. People suck and just don't think of the consequences when spouting such nonsense.

Agree with pp who made the point that it’s usually people who view the child as an extension of themselves rather than individual human who get all hung-up over wanting a particular sex

I always say the mothers with real ‘gender disappointment’ will be the ones who DO get their desired gender (usually a girl) but then that child goes on to not fulfill the set ideas in their mothers head about how a daughter and the experience of parenting a daughter should be.

You often see on forums really specific ideas about having a girly daughter who you stay close with, go on shopping trips and spa days with it’s just all so weird and such a self-indulgent view of parenting

I always say the mothers with real ‘gender disappointment’ will be the ones who DO get their desired gender (usually a girl) but then that child goes on to not fulfill the set ideas in their mothers head about how a daughter and the experience of parenting a daughter should be.
You often see on forums really specific ideas about having a girly daughter who you stay close with, go on shopping trips and spa days with confused it’s just all so weird and such a self-indulgent view of parenting

This, with knobs on.

I know few women who have a relationship like that with their mother- mainly it's arguments, resentment and trying to avoid each other!

I was so relieved to find out that my 3rd was another boy. I had become quite fond of boys by then and I knew we could save money on rent as they could share a bedroom indefinitely.

@TurquoiseDress I agree, I suppose I did have this kind of relationship up to a point, but then you grow up, get your own personality and life happens. Throughout my late 20’s and 30’s I’ve realised Mum can be a bit selfish, very overbearing and a bit tactless. This has damaged the relationship to a point where we won’t go back to how it was before it’s a shame but that’s what friends are for isn’t it. We also have very, very different tastes so there’s not much common ground there. And I don’t know anyone from my friendship circle who has this mythical best friend relationship with their Mother.

I know few women who have a relationship like that with their mother- mainly it's arguments, resentment and trying to avoid each other!

Yep, me. My mum expects me to be like her. I’m not, at all, so we clash a lot. Since i was about 12 I have recieved “girly” presents for christmas and birthday. “Classic” make up, nail varnish, appointments for manicures, pedicures, eyebrow stuff, “nice” clothes (in a size too large as i am “busty”, as she is)

I have never worn much except jeans hoodies and dm’s. I do not wear make up, ever. Even in my teens if I did it was a strong goth look or very glittery party make up, i have never done “neutral” or subtle. I have a manual job so manicures are a waste of money.

30 odd years and she still thinks if she keeps buying me this shit I’ll turn up one day in a business suit, tights, soft pink lipstick and a bit of eyeshadow, hair freshly blow dried, possibly having just got myself a respectable job in an office, and we can go out for lunch with a glass of wine (i don’t drink), a gossip, and some shopping.

Apparently i am very ungrateful and hard to buy for as I never use anything she buys me.

I think your friend sounds like a very nasty femanist making such a sexist remark

You may want to check the definition (and spelling) of “femanist”. I am a feminist and definitely do not agree with the o/p’s friend.

Actually yabu

I have two boys and I love and spoil them but I can't help feel left out

My boys are obsessed with cars and Lego and dinosaurs and playing in the garden and breaking stuff and I would love to be buying to be pretty girls Clothing

but I'm not having any more children for about 5-10 years if ever again so this is it for me

Dirt and cars and Lego and I still wish I could have had a girl.

I know some girls are Tom boys etc

but it is a different experience raising only boys.

Likewise I'm sure it is different raising only girls. A mix of both sexes seems to be ideal but not everyone gets that.

but it is a different experience raising only boys

How do you know if you’ve not experienced anything different? Plus your own bias will make the experience different as you will treat them differently...

Fwiw my experience of raising girls is dirt and cars and lego, physical danger and hours spent outside trying to occupy them. I would say some is nature, some nurture- i find clothes and crafts and dolls boring so i’d take them to the park out of preference.

Again both of mine have always been jeans and hoodies types as they quickly learned a) pretty clothes are a hindrance climbing a tree b) people are always telling you not to do x or y in case you ruin your pretty dress and c) you get treated very differently in girls clothes, strangers in the park will ask if you should be climbing that high, be careful, does your mum know you’re up there?

Because i have family and friends who have a girl or mix of both sexes so that is how I know it's a lot different raising only boys

Perhaps for me more-so as I am a girly girl and my boys hate anything girly.

For instance;

God forbid there is any pink play doh in a multi pack of play doh!
Girls toys advertised on the tv they say ugh at etc. Turn it off.

Disneyland Paris with all the little girls dressed as Disney princesses everywhere while mine think all girls are gross even though I try to reason with them, they are just instinctively total boys and I would have loved to have had a daughter to share the girly parts of life with like my friends can with their daughters.

There is something to it. Not the end of the world, but I would still have loved to have had just one girl!

I know they make girls Lego

but we go to legoland regularly and my boys won't touch the girls Lego play table sections and no one has taught them not to like pink

they go to daycare with lots of girls there but they just hate anything girly!

@mumto2babyboys

I have three boys. We have dolls, pushchairs. pink playdough, pink and purple Lego, a dolls house, One of my sons has asked for a travel cot and car seat for his doll for Christmas.
We also have cars, trains and all the other “boy” toys. And the same son also plays rugby.

We have always had a mix of toys in our house and they use and enjoy them all. I think a lot of the pink is yuk type tuff comes from the home.

*and the stereotypes pushed on to them.

I have endometriosis and for a while thought I wouldn’t be able to have children. I now have two boys. When I was young I thought I would like a boy and a girl - but there’s nothing like a bit of adversity to clear the mind.
I now feel like I won the lottery - who cares about the gender.

Your acquaintance is deluded and insensitive.

I was trying to stay off this thread as it isn’t good for my blood pressure.

I know they make girls Lego

🤦‍♀️

Fits in the vagina @mouse

For those who need pictures:

Bloody hell it’s no wonder i grew up to be a scientist, there was no “girls lego” when i were a lass.

I played with the bog standard primary colours stuff. I’m suprised i’m not a dungaree wearing lesbian as well. Although i do like dungarees

Good job they’ve brought out a girls version or girls might get ideas of becoming engineers or architects. Can’t have that now can we.

See @manwhohasitall