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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Not everyone feels sorry for Mums of just boys or only children

575 replies

AlwaysFuckingTired · 24/11/2018 17:28

Speaking to an acquaintance who mentioned feeling sorry for two of the women she works with in her office. One a Mum of 2 boys, and the other a Mum of one. Apparently she feels awkward as she thinks they're both jealous of her as she's a Mum of both sexes. I asked why she thought that, and she said "oh all women want a Daughter don't they? and everyone wants more than one" I said I've known lots of people happy with an only child or all boys, and she pulled an odd face as if she didn't believe me and said "well that's what people say"

AIBU to think she's a bit of a knob?

OP posts:
SmiledWithTheRisingSun · 26/11/2018 09:47

She sounds like a twat.

DoAsYouWouldBeMumBy · 26/11/2018 09:48

@AperolSprizting I agree about only children - my DH is an only and so is our DS. They are both incredibly kind and sensitive, not selfish at all. Their onliness has made them gregarious and sociable, rather than self-absorbed.

I do find comments about only child syndrome etc really, really hurtful. I would have liked more DC, but it didn't happen, and we are very happy with our lovely boy. The most spoiled, entitled kids I've met have been in families of three kids, in fact - I imagine it's probably because they are trying to get attention, but maybe it's just their nature. Who knows?

DrDiva · 26/11/2018 10:31

Yes, my only DS is lovely and kind. He shares stuff with his friends and gets surprised when people take advantage.
The only thing is that he is still a grumpy loser, but so was I at the same age (6) and I’m one of 3 girls!

As for the feeling sorry for me for having only one, I find I get more of a patronising explanation that I’m not a proper mother as I don’t know how difficult it is with more than one, and I have it so easy. Sure, I don’t have to juggle the needs of multiple kids, And yep, it’s been a breeze with a very prem baby/child, a depressed husband and no outside contact/help whatsoever. Hmm

DrDiva · 26/11/2018 10:33

And I have been told I am selfish having only one. I have no qualms in oversharing on 6 miscarriages, one quite late. Keeping this stuff quiet only perpetuates all the competitive crap.

TheLittleDogLaughed · 26/11/2018 10:39

I have not met a woman in the last 30 years who was disappointed at having multiple daughters. I have met plenty who were disappointed at having multiple sons though

Really truly? I've never met anyone who is disappointed at having multiple daughters or sons! Are you actually saying that women who have had more than one son have told you personally that they are disappointed? Plenty of them?

ALemonyPea · 26/11/2018 10:43

I'm in my 30s and have multiple sons. Pop around for a cup of tea and I'll tell you exactly how proud I am of each and every one.

TheLittleDogLaughed · 26/11/2018 10:47

DrDiva I've had many similar comments about having it easy with one, usually with exhausted sighs and eye rolls. I did get tired though with explaining why I couldn't have any more because I hated the way that went - either feeling sorry for me, feeling guilty that their reproductive organs were more prolific than mine or the slightly smug schadenfreude that people have when they realise their life may be better than yours in some way.

Dd's been fine as an only child; she's never wished for a brother or sister. I'd like her to have the 'security' of a sibling, i.e. a family member other than me and dh as we're getting ancient! But I know too that frequently siblings aren't close and can be alienated and so strong friendships and relationships are just as good in the end.

reallyanotherone · 26/11/2018 11:17

*I have both. Young adults now. Trust me, dd are MUCH more difficult in teens. I have asked mothers with ds only and one ds or five, they have NO idea what dd's are like.

DD is lovely, smart and kind but a bigger pain in the butt never existed. She is only person who could make me so angry that I could not think of any words to say

No, your dd is much more difficult. Not all female teenagers are the same.

And it’s a bit patronising telling mums of ds’s they have no idea what it’s like. Makes you sound like an arse, tbh.

I have two dd’s. One is blonde on is brunette. The brunette likes trains. Do i go around telling mums of blondes thay have no idea what having a child with a train obsession is like? No, because it’s fucking ridiculous.

If you have one of each, they are different because of their personalities and societal expectations of gender.

My blonde dd as a toddler was very active. I’d get people stop me in the street and rant on about how i had my hands full and boys were so active, but i’d be grateful when he was a teenager because boys are much easier, teenage girls are a nightmare. I’d smile and nod and say yes, she has a lot of energy. They’d look at me as if i was barking mad and say “he”.

That’s how ingrained stereotypes are. That people challenge children, and the mother of children, on a childs sex when stereotypes don’t match. They think the parent has got the childs sex wrong. Wouldn’t occur to them it’s simply a child who doesn’t meet their expectations of gender.

JacquesHammer · 26/11/2018 11:22

Dd's been fine as an only child; she's never wished for a brother or sister

That’s been my experience too. Doesn’t stop me hoping for a very miraculous accident though! (And before anyone misjudged that comment, I’m infertile, take the pill religiously and correctly and use conforms! It would be a miracle!)

MrsStrowman · 26/11/2018 11:27

I'm due to have my first, a boy, I've hated pregnancy, so barring the stork bringing me a second he will be an only. That is my choice and I really don't envy someone like your colleague!

JacquesHammer · 26/11/2018 11:43

Condoms. Rather than conforms. I really don't do that Grin

TheLittleDogLaughed · 26/11/2018 11:44

JacquesHammer my dd is 16 now and I'm over 50 so my hoping for a miraculous accident days are done.

TheLittleDogLaughed · 26/11/2018 11:45

Grin I thought conforms might be a new kind of contraceptive ...

JacquesHammer · 26/11/2018 11:47

I thought conforms might be a new kind of contraceptive

Time for a Dragon’s Den style pitch Grin

I don’t know why I do it to myself. It really wouldn’t be ideal but still. Every time.

HamptonsNY · 26/11/2018 11:48

I think Mothers of girls only have never experienced parenthood, its an easy ride compared to being a mother to boys. They have no idea of how outgoing and boisterous boys can be, constantly seek the adventure, especially when they get to school age and the teenage years.

JacquesHammer · 26/11/2018 11:50

I think Mothers of girls only have never experienced parenthood, its an easy ride compared to being a mother to boys. They have no idea of how outgoing and boisterous boys can be, constantly seek the adventure, especially when they get to school age and the teenage years

What an offensive and ridiculous comment.

reallyanotherone · 26/11/2018 11:58

think Mothers of girls only have never experienced parenthood, its an easy ride compared to being a mother to boys. They have no idea of how outgoing and boisterous boys can be, constantly seek the adventure, especially when they get to school age and the teenage years

It’s arseholes like you that see my 13 year old dd in jeans and a hoodie whipping the boys in physical challenges like climbing trees, walls, jumping off high stuff etc and think I am the insane one when I tell you she’s female.

But i have no idea boisterous child is like because she’s a girl. Even though idiots like you sit there and tell me you know exactly what it’s like having a boisterous child like mine because you have boys too.

I depair sometimes.

NinjaGoSaysNo · 26/11/2018 12:04

Some people definitely do think like this. I have two boys and several mums of girls only have told me they would hate to be in my shoes Hmm. And some others with only girls come off as smug boasting about their "girls' club" , little princesses etc.. There is a LOT of negativity about boys in the UK IME, they're smelly, rowdy, uncreative, insensitive, will never speak to you again once they get married etc..

AperolSprizting · 26/11/2018 12:13

@HamptonsNY as @notanotherone says it is all down to personality. We had some old neighbours whose little girl seemed like an absolute nightmare, from 3-6 (when we moved) she was constant tantrumming, throwing stuff down the stairs (you could tell) you’d hear her mother shouting things like ‘don’t you dare hit me’ ‘don’t you dare bite’ ‘get off your brother’ she’d slam doors, scream, we’ve seen her pelt toys across the garden and when she was older and had friends to play she used to order them around like a sergeant major. Not an easy child I would say 🤣. Their little boy we never heard a peep out of whenever we saw him in the garden he was just happy playing in his little sand pit thing - all down to personality.

Pimpernell · 26/11/2018 12:24

'I think Mothers of girls only have never experienced parenthood, its an easy ride compared to being a mother to boys.'

this thread has now peaked.

Ilikeviognier · 26/11/2018 12:29

How offensive. I have two boys and am completely happy with my lot. And indeed very grateful to have them! Lots of people can’t have children, or have sick children so this really needs putting into context in my book.

gruffalomom · 26/11/2018 12:35

Eurgh I hate that!! I have a sister who constantly gets smug because she has 'the perfect one of each . I wouldn't swap my two boys for the world. I love being the only female in my house, mum's of boys are never short of someone to love them!

TheLittleDogLaughed · 26/11/2018 12:36

I think Mothers of girls only have never experienced parenthood, its an easy ride compared to being a mother to boys.

What wonderful insight.

I only have one dd so I've never experienced motherhood. I wonder what I've been doing this last 16 years ... I should have tried for a boy or adopted one. So I could be a mother.

ALemonyPea · 26/11/2018 12:46

Hamptons, what a ridiculous offensive statement.

reallyanotherone · 26/11/2018 12:51

I love being the only female in my house, mum's of boys are never short of someone to love them!

Neither are mums of girls!

Can you not see that statements like this only confirm the fucking stereotypes that lead to this “I’d prefer a boy/girl because [insert stereotype]”. argument in the first fucking place.

I give in.

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