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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To go upstairs and scream silently into a pillow with sheer fucking RAGE?

188 replies

JohnnyMcGrathSaysFuckOff · 24/11/2018 11:04

So we have 3 DC under 4. They have a swimming lesson at 9am on Saturdays (I know, but it gets it out of the way and we're awake from 6.30 anyhow).

Every weekend, I run around like a blue-arsed fly lighting the fire, getting 3 breakfasts, feeding the babies, packing the swim bags, putting stuff in the car, basically constantly chivvying for about 90 mins till we are all out the door.

Every sodding weekend about 10 minutes before we are due to go, DH finds something "extra" to do. This weekend it was rearranging the car seats which were already in the car. The other week it was hanging out laundry. One week it was trimming his beard.

He always, oh it's okay, we're in good time. Yes we are in good time because I have been running around like a blasted lunatic! The idea is that we have a relaxed time! Not that we can now make ourselves 10 minutes late doing something that could be done at any point in the day!

Please can I smother him with a used swim nappy?

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 25/11/2018 15:34

OP
Get the stuff ready the night before.
It should be your H's job to get everyone ready in the morning - breakfast, lighting the fire, whatever.

However, overall, I second the recommendation to forget swimming lesson hell and go for a holiday somewhere nice and warm with a pool where your children will probably learn to swim.

Babygrey7 · 25/11/2018 15:41

My advice would be to not go swimming when they are that little

What years I have wasted at the swimming pool! Seriously, just don't put yourself through this crap

Same goes for making purees at 11pm Wink

Saying this as a mum of teens who live on pot noodles and crisps, and all that home pureed broccoli and early years swimming lessons were probably entirely poinlessGrin

madcatladyforever · 25/11/2018 15:44

this is why I am not married any more and because I know it would only have been a matter of time before I murdered him.

Gilld69 · 25/11/2018 17:42

are you my daughter haha shes like a headless chicken too x

AnnabelC · 25/11/2018 17:47

This is life with three very young children. It doesn’t last. Enjoy them being little and all you can do for them. You are obviously doing a good job. Enjoy the moments.

TheVanguardSix · 25/11/2018 17:49

Hold off on number 4, is my advice.

ravenmum · 25/11/2018 17:52

Kittens are rubbish like that, get the maidservant to do it.

YANBU, deliberate last-minute faffing and refusal to admit it could cause any stress is one thing of many I do not miss from my ex. Can you just leave him behind? Take it in turns to go, and wear earplugs and a sleep mask when it is his turn?

ravenmum · 25/11/2018 17:54

Early years swimming is surely pretty good for their immune system; great gut bacteria.

Runnynosehunny · 25/11/2018 18:02

Does he have to go along? I know you have 3 kids but if they are in lessons can you handle them alone? Maybe it would be easier to leave him at home to make a nice brunch and do some housework. He could do some puree so you won't be up doing it at 11pm

DishingOutDone · 25/11/2018 18:03

So what do you want to do OP?

(a) Spend more time and effort compensating for him;
(b) LOL it all off - men eh?! Doh, can't live with em can't live without em, gotta love em eh?!

Or tell him to sort his fucking life out and do his share? The choice, as they say, is yours.

HashTagLil · 25/11/2018 18:04

you need to tell him the time of departure

Why? Surely he already knows this?

AcrossthePond55 · 25/11/2018 18:12

My DH did this too, still does at times! He got a bit better after I started to get ready a bit earlier and then pointedly sit down in the living room with my feet propped up reading a book or watching TV as if I had nowhere to be. Then the kids started doing similar. He'd walk through the room (on one of his myriads 'just a sec, let me do this and I'll be ready' jobs) and see us all sitting there 'relaxing'. He'd say testily What are you doing?" and I'd reply "Waiting for you". Then when he'd finally announce he was ready, we'd slowly get up and mosey to the door. Annoyed the hell out of him as for whatever reason, he thought we should be standing at the door coats in hand waiting for him.

PA, I know. But it works for the most part.

YearOfYouRemember · 25/11/2018 18:21

Surely if the fathers care so little about spending time with their DW and Dcs to get ready on time they won't care about being left behind?

WhereYouLeftIt · 25/11/2018 18:23

"I want to shout "prioritize!" at him like some 1990s management guru"
I can see no reason not to do this. It is well-deserved. What on earth is stopping you?

"He always, oh it's okay, we're in good time. Yes we are in good time because I have been running around like a blasted lunatic! The idea is that we have a relaxed time! Not that we can now make ourselves 10 minutes late doing something that could be done at any point in the day!"
So he actually makes you late, through his pissing about?

I think BewareOfDragons has got it spot on.
"Tell your DH you're going out for a run next Saturday morning at 7am, and he'll need to get the children sorted out and ready for swimming lessons. Because you're fucking fed up of doing it all yourself anyways,, plus he's then a complete dink who makes you late on purpose with his antics. Because that is what he's doing ... hoping you'll just leave him behind for a hour's peace to himself without actually saying so. But he's fucking up your morning doing it and dumping everything on you."

"Let him do it all for the next couple of Saturdays... maybe he'll get the message. Tell him you'll be back when it's time to go, and you expect everyone to be ready."

There is absolutely no reason for you to stay quiet about his behaviour. Point it out, tell him not to do it again. Ever.

EllieHJ · 25/11/2018 18:28

I know what you are talking about. I love DH but he drives me crazy sometimes. We have a crazy school run everyday and for some reason he always decides to have a shave at 8am which takes 20 mins or longer. This happens all the bloody time. He doesn't seem to think a few hours ahead. Get up a little earlier or do it the night before. It's always at the last damn minute before his mum is coming for the day or before people arrive. When you are running about doing all the last minute things he buggers off to the bathroom for half an hour. Aaaaargh!

nannykatherine · 25/11/2018 18:41

save time by putting kids in car in pjs .. pack clothes and swim gear night before
why is DP not helping you with the three children ??????
i’d drown him

Nearly47 · 25/11/2018 18:41

My husband is the same. Every time we are about to go out he decides that's the time to load/unload the dishwasher, put a wash on, etc. When everyone is ready to go out of the door, putting shoes on. I think it's to maximise the effect of whatever he is doing as he has everyone noticing what he is doing ( and getting angry) while I quietly got the kids ready, cleaned the bathroom before showering and got my self ready while he was looking at his mobile all morning. When it's time to go out he becomes action men. It's infuriating.

Rooty2 · 25/11/2018 18:48

My DH does this everytime we go to the cinema (and anywhere else) we agree on the time we need to set off but I always have to remind him several times, his trick is to go upstairs to get ready and 5 mins later I find him sat at the pc in his boxers. His excuse is always that he hates sitting through the adverts and we'v got loads of time but then we're always faced with traffic and groping through the dark cinema to find our seats.

OutPinked · 25/11/2018 18:53

If you’re awake at 6:30 and have to be somewhere by 9, unless that place is an hour and half drive away then you have more than enough time to get this done. I had three under three so I understand the difficulty but if you’re rushing this much, you need to get more organised or have later lessons.

Mikklehaha · 25/11/2018 19:05

Ha ha ha, I too had 3 under 4. I too had a husband that got up half an hour before time to go out, got himself ( just himself) ready and then stood at the door saying ‘come on, are you ready?’. I feel your frustration OP.
My dc are 13, 11 and 10 now and they all see their father’s utter lack of awareness and sympathise with me. It makes them more cooperative for me so, although it’s taken a long time, I am finally vindicated as you will be too. Hang on in there.
(Obviously if you can get him to stop being such an unaware twat in the meantime, that’d be best). 😉

Suebreo · 25/11/2018 19:28

A cricket bat 🏏 round the back of his head should help

Dontaskmeihaventaclue · 25/11/2018 19:40

I used to repack the swimming bags as soon as they'd been washed and dried. Meant they weren't taking up space in the huge ironing pile.

mathanxiety · 25/11/2018 19:40

HashTagLil Sun 25-Nov-18 18:04:45
"you need to tell him the time of departure"
Why? Surely he already knows this?

That was a post for Sosmooth -
She should tell him the time of departure so he is responsible for getting himself down to the front door in time.

Then when the time comes, there is no need to run upstairs to sort him out/ give him the attention he is clearly seeking/ acknowledge whatever the heck it is that he has decided to do instead of getting with the programme.

Then just walk out. Her arse is covered because he was told what time they would be leaving.

mathanxiety · 25/11/2018 19:51

I suspect a lot of this juvenile behaviour is done because some of these men do not want to co-operate, which would mean operating on someone else's terms.

By finding some silly task to do at the last minute everyone has to operate on their terms instead.

This kind of passive aggression is very satisfying to men whose egos cause them to see co-operation and accepting a woman's way of doing things or her timetable into some sort of insult to their perceived status.

So get ready and then leave. Do what ever needs doing on your own timetable.

(I say 'men' because it's men who are being discussed here, but actually anyone who habitually keeps other people late because of faffing has some sort of ego problem).

Sara107 · 25/11/2018 19:56

Why would you light the fire before going out? Heating an empty house, fire risk, high likelihood it will go out before you get back.