You can’t understand, unless you’re a mother

[PerfectionistProcrastinator]

I was having a conversation today with two colleagues about a lady that we know. She is currently going though a difficult time worrying about her young adult DS.

We were all in agreement that the lady in question must be going through a terrible time at the moment when one of them (a mother in her 40s) says that our other colleague and myself could not possibly understand how it feels until we are mothers ourselves. This is not the first time that this person has suggested that people without children could not fully relate to a situation.

AIBU to be irritated by this?

I am 34, my partner and I have been trying for a baby for a year since our miscarriage at 12 weeks. She knows that I would love nothing more than to be a mother myself.

While she was incredibly tactless and (knowing about your miscarriage?) mean, I don't think she is inaccurate. My perspective on things changed dramatically when I became a parent.

Am Sorry for your loss . Does she know about it ? If yes thats a very insensitive thing to say

I do agree with her though my perspective conpletely changed once my ds was born . I am just not the same

Tactless and unnecessary, but true.

I could get what she was saying if you disagreed, but you were agreeing... so yes I would find it annoying

Well she shouldn't have verbalised it but IME it's true that the depth and intensity of how you worry for your kids, is sort of unimaginable until you get there.

I think she is an insensitive arse. And actually, since having a baby this year, I don’t think there’s very much I understand better than before. I wince at the thought of her being ill but no more than I would have imagined I would before I had a child if that makes sense. It’s mummy martyrdom and it’s oathetic at the best of times, let alone when speaking to someone TTC and having a hard time.

Sorry about your miscarriage and I wish you the best with your future TTC.

It is insensitive on her part yes if she knew about your miscarriage. Perhaps she just didn’t think when she said it, not an excuse I agree, but sometimes people do put their foot in it.

What @Biancadelriosback said.

She was being tactless op but you genuinely have no idea how perspective and feelings change after raising a child.

You can imagine it but you can't relate until you've been through it.

IYHKYWU

But isn't it the same with anything?

There will be things you have dealt with, that other people will sympathise about but can't understand because they haven't done it.

It's hugely insensitive (though obviously she may not know if your struggles) but not all that inaccurate. There are lots of things we don't have real experience of and as such don't have the same understanding as those who have been through it. Being a parent is one of them

@GrubbyHipsterBeard give it another year. You will know so much more.

@GrubbyHipsterBeard I think that's still truest when they're tiny though, and you're still in control of most aspects of their lives.

When they're out in the world and their happiness is dependent on others treating them with kindness, it feels a bit more heart-in-mouth because you can't automatically fix their problems.

I don't actually think it is strictly true. Just because you are a parent it doesn't mean you undertand certain things to do with DC if you have never been through it yourself.

They were also incredibly tactless.

The generalisation is really unhelpful. Not all mothers have the same experience of life. Neither do people without children.

There are all sorts of reasons why you might understand better how someone might be feeling than another person who only shares the “mother” label. For example, my sister had anorexia. My friend’s daughter has anorexia. I’m more able to relate to what she’s going through than other mums who have no experience of that illness.

Is she Andrea Leadsom?

The generalisation is really unhelpful. Not all mothers have the same experience of life. Neither do people without children.

Exactly. It's an inaccurate sweeping generalisation.

It's probably true. In fact, I'm sure there are lots of things you can't fully understand unless you've experienced them. But it seems a bit of an odd thing to say to people who are trying to empathise/understand as best they can. Does it make her feel superior?

Although your perspective changes dramatically when you have your own child of course you can relate to someone having a terrible time. Even parents don't relate to other people's issues with their dc the same.

She sounds like a tactless self important cow.

TBC no one knows exactly how anyone feels so it's a stupid and insensitive thing for her to say.

It was insensitive to say given that she knows your history. I do think it’s probably true that is harder to relate until you have kids (I’m saying this as someone who is pregnant with my first) but you are still perfectly able to empathise. And no one has exactly the same experiences anyway even if they are parents. So even though the colleague who said this is a mother, she presumably hasn’t been through this worrying situation with her own child and therefore you could say she isn’t in a position to fully understand either.

Actually OP I do agree with you, I think it is how I feel when my DH was ill, or even my own Mum now she is getting older and very frail.
I have 3 DS's and although none are at home now, I sometimes think the worry my Mum causes me is worse.

a bit thoughtless and unnecessary to say it but probably not wrong.

Perhaps rightly so but you are likely to be more sensitive to such stupid comments.