You can’t understand, unless you’re a mother

[PerfectionistProcrastinator]

I was having a conversation today with two colleagues about a lady that we know. She is currently going though a difficult time worrying about her young adult DS.

We were all in agreement that the lady in question must be going through a terrible time at the moment when one of them (a mother in her 40s) says that our other colleague and myself could not possibly understand how it feels until we are mothers ourselves. This is not the first time that this person has suggested that people without children could not fully relate to a situation.

AIBU to be irritated by this?

I am 34, my partner and I have been trying for a baby for a year since our miscarriage at 12 weeks. She knows that I would love nothing more than to be a mother myself.

A lot of parents don’t give a shit about kids they aren’t related to, to the point where some would quite happily screw someone else’s child over to benefit theirs. So I actually would have ripped her apart for that comment, politely, but she would never have dared to say that again.

It’s a stupid thing to say. No question. And it’s basically the same as most things in life. Like no one can understand the difficulty of having difficulties try to conceive if they havnt, you can’t understand poverty if you’ve never worried about covering your bills at the end of the month. The list is endless. Doesn’t mean you can try to empathise or even to sympathise with someone else.

It’s not helpful to say ah one simply can’t understand if you havnt done it. Similarly it’s not helpful to say I understand how you feel- you can’t - you’re not in my head.

You are a mother. You know what it is like to be pregnant, to feel that love growing inside you. The fact your pregnancy go to term doesn't negate that.
I actually think she is right. I feel certain things emotionally far more than I ever did before children. I also think she is hugely insensitive and should have kept that thought to herself.

Well I think emapthy for a mother who is worried about an adult children isn't a great stretch tbh and is achievable by those who aren't parents.

But there are other things that I don't think other people have access to without having gone through it. Pregnancy for one, there are so many times you hear people reduce carrying a baby to incubator status with no real understanding of the relationship that is built between a mother and her unborn baby, and I find it hard to believe that it can be a sincerely held belief by those who have been through it.

It was a bit insensitive, given your situation, but there is a bit of truth in it.
You shouldn't see it, however, as something meant to irritate you. As an example, I'll never really understand what it is to be someone with fertility issues, even although my mum had terrible fertility issues. I would of course be sympathetic, and understand that it must be terrible, but not in the same way as someone who has been through similar. I'm sure she didn't mean to belittle your opinion in any way.

Pregnancy for one, there are so many times you hear people reduce carrying a baby to incubator status with no real understanding of the relationship that is built between a mother and her unborn baby, and I find it hard to believe that it can be a sincerely held belief by those who have been through it.

That was your personal experience of pregnancy. Other mothers continue to abuse class A drugs and alcohol and give up their babies as soon as they are born.

But there are other things that I don't think other people have access to without having gone through it. Pregnancy for one, there are so many times you hear people reduce carrying a baby to incubator status with no real understanding of the relationship that is built between a mother and her unborn baby, and I find it hard to believe that it can be a sincerely held belief by those who have been through it.

However that in itself is a sweeping generalisation.

One of the strongest bonds of a DM and DC other than my own obviously is that of my DSIL and her DC who are adopted.

I think people should just not say things like that, ever. It's insufferably smug.

She's tactless but right really.

So sorry about your miscarriage OP and best of luck with TTC

I think it was extremely tactless but she probably didn't think. Those comments also annoy me - despite being not particularly maternal (I didn't dream of having babies etc) I knew before I had children what it would be likely to feel like - anyone that has had a great love for something else has knowledge of what that can be. If you have siblings you can also have that same feeling of loving someone but be irritated by them when they're being annoying .

I suppose the only thing in this context is the difficulty in commenting on the relationship when you haven't been that side of the relationship (eg My DH is single child so does not totally understand sibling relationships) HOWEVER you have been someone's child so can certainly give perspective from their side - plus as an adult looking back on your younger self you know how you have grown and changed and they might.

As a mother I would die for my DC, no question. I knew that before having them. The only thing that surprised me was how much I like babies now

I wouldn’t say it in the situation you describe. But I think it’s true.

I am not a mother.

I'm not a pilot either but when I see a plane in the sea, I know something's wrong.

Wait till the guilt kicks in for not being a le to provide something for your child not because you don't want them to have it, but from the fact money is do tight you just can't see a way in the next five years to provide it...

I don't think it's always true. My perspective hasn't changed that much since having DD. I love her, obviously, but that doesn't shift my entire comprehension of emotions & empathy. Maybe for some it does, but I see the world exactly the same as I always did. I wouldn't expect other mothers to have some special insight when I worry about DD, any more than my friends who actually know and care about DD despite not being parents.

I always planned on adoption and the way my heart aches for children who are suffering is exactly the same for DD when she hurts, and exactly the same as it was before she was born. Sweeping generalisations about motherhood are irritating at the best of times but this was just thoughtless.

She's probably not wrong, but she should not have said it. There are a lot of things people can't understand without having certain personal experiences, but that doesn't mean it's not rude to tell someone that when they're being sympathetic. I haven't had a miscarriage myself and I suspect that's one of the things where you acquire greater understanding with experience. But I expect if I told you I was sorry for your loss and it must've been upsetting, you probably wouldn't respond by telling me I didn't get it, even though I don't.

Best of luck with the TTC.

Wait till the guilt kicks in for not being a le to provide something for your child not because you don't want them to have it, but from the fact money is do tight you just can't see a way in the next five years to provide it.

Tjat it is why it is a sweeping statement because if you are a well off parent, you wouldn't have that.

that it is why it is a sweeping statement because if you are a well off parent, you wouldn't have that.

Agreed, and you don’t have to read many threads on here to see some people have no empathy at all for people in financial difficulty. Mother/not is irrelevant there.

Also, look at how mothers make different decisions and completely can’t understand the opposite point of view. Breastfeeding vs actively deciding to formula feed, what age can babies be left at nursery, controlled crying etc etc. Mothers are not one homogenous hive mind.

Well she's not wrong.. she didn't need to say it to you though.

It was an insensitive thing to say for sure.

I also think it’s true, but only in the sense that nearly all huge life changing things are hard to truly understand unless you’ve been through them. Things like going through cancer treatment or getting divorced. You’ll inevitably have more empathy if you’ve been through it yourself.

I have found that a lot of people lack real empathy about others situations. So I do think they probably don't really understand how others feel who have not been in that situation. But some do understand.

Certainly whenni became a parent my perspective changed , when terrible things were in the news such as child abduction murder etc before i had children of course i thought it was awful but since having kids my feelings intensified .

Well I am obviously in a minority here but while there are some practical things that I didn't realise until I became a mother the intensity with which I would love my children was pretty much exactly how I imagined (and hoped) it would be. If you are an empathetic person with an imagination and you take the time to imagine it (which you probably have been, given you are trying for a baby), then I think you will have a pretty good idea.

There are some things I didn't imagine (e.g. how much my mind is now taken over by worries on behalf of my children instead of worries on behalf of myself) but if somebody had explained it to me I'm sure I could have done. I just never really stopped to think about it that hard.

How fucking horrible pregnancy sickness is, however, that I think is really hard to imagine unless you have been there or thereabouts...

An insensitive thing to say given your personal circumstances but it’s true nevertheless I’m afraid. It doesn’t have to be your bio child, it can be a stepchild you have raised or an adopted child. It’s just parenthood generally, it changes your mindset in ways and there’s no way of explaining that to someone who hasn’t yet experienced it.

Although tactless I think she is right. You can empathise with someone who has had a different experience to you (parent, someone with cancer, someone who has lost a parent etc) but you'll not really get it until you've experienced the same or similar. The sense of responsibility, the never ending guilt (this is the worst feeling!), the reduction in freedom etc are not things that I experienced until I had dc. Of course I had never experienced the same joy either.

She’s a massive dick.

And you don’t need to have had a baby to be able to empathise with someone worrying about their sick kid. Empathy is not exclusively reserved to mothers.