You can’t understand, unless you’re a mother

[PerfectionistProcrastinator]

I was having a conversation today with two colleagues about a lady that we know. She is currently going though a difficult time worrying about her young adult DS.

We were all in agreement that the lady in question must be going through a terrible time at the moment when one of them (a mother in her 40s) says that our other colleague and myself could not possibly understand how it feels until we are mothers ourselves. This is not the first time that this person has suggested that people without children could not fully relate to a situation.

AIBU to be irritated by this?

I am 34, my partner and I have been trying for a baby for a year since our miscarriage at 12 weeks. She knows that I would love nothing more than to be a mother myself.

Oh and I've been fortunate enough not to be extremely sleep deprived because both DCs slept quite well. So I can't empathise with that, even though I am a parent.
But I'm a parent of a DC with SEN and not all parents can empathise with finding out your child is doing much, much worse in almost all areas of development than you hoped or even believed.

I tend to get a bit snippy with people like that. Eventually I will get annoyed enough to say "So you've told us ... repeatedly" or "Yeah yeah, we get it, mothers have empathy and everyone else is a cold-hearted robot".

It's often true(ish) but it doesn't need to be said. Perhaps even just being a mother like she is isn't enough to really understand. Perhaps you need to be a mother with a worrisome child to really understand.

You do know some mothers do have easy children?

Yes! I'm one of them. My eldest (now 19), in particular, has been an absolute dream and 'easy' since day one.

But a lot aren't.

And having an easy child isn't the same as being relate to every stage of parenting or development because even the easiest child brings challenges along the way simply because they are people going through life doing their thing.

And it's not so much the child I was referring to but school brings the influence of other children; other parents; school gripes that occur along the way.

Teenage years bring more complex friendship and social issues to help them navigate.

University years - this was hardest - letting him go into the big wide world firstly, when he still lives at home!!! and that realisation that your baby has grown up and is now an adult. And a pretty fucking amazing one at that.

But you can't relate to any of those stages until you're in them.

@Workreturner I misunderstood, sorry. This is a sensitive topic for me so sometimes can overreact.

starsandmoonlight Someone I know said she nearly did not have a baby because mothers kept telling her how difficult it was. She has been lucky and said it was way easier than she imagined it to be.

How could ‘a mother’ understand what it’s like to be, say - the mother of a heroin addict - better than someone who is the sister or wife of a heroin addict? There are lots of situations where someone who’s been through something similar to you but doesn’t have kids will be better able to empathise than ‘a mother’.

Someone I know said she nearly did not have a baby because mothers kept telling her how difficult it was. She has been lucky and said it was way easier than she imagined it to be.

It can be very easy. I've really enjoyed it and I have found it pretty easy.

But easy and relatable are not the same thing.

I have found the older I get, the more I can empathise with a variety of situations.

I was simply pointing out that each age and stage of development bring new 'challenges' - however easy they are to overcome - that's all part of parenting.

And you have no idea what each age/stage is going to bring until you get to it. So I don't think it's unreasonable to suggest that someone who isn't yet a parent wouldn't fully relate to someone with a much older child when someone with a younger child wouldn't be able to relate to having a much older child either.

Until you get to it, you just don't know how you'd feel/react. That's all.

Exactly what PurpleDaisies said. There are all sorts of reasons why someone might have more or less understanding of someone else's feelings. You can't generalise empathy for a given situation as belonging only to mothers - or only to sisters, grandparents, aunts etc. Everyone's life experience is different, whether or not they have children.

And you have no idea what each age/stage is going to bring until you get to it.

Even if (for example) you’ve spent a lot of time working with children of that age, been very close to nieces and nephews of that age, had friends with children of that age etc? You’d still have no idea what it might be like?

People's perspectives and outlooks may change.
It doesn't mean it's ok to make such ridiculous patronising statements from a position of self importance.

The generalisation is really unhelpful. Not all mothers have the same experience of life. Neither do people without children.

This is so true. We all have different life experiences. I'm a mum, so I do understand some of the challenges involved. But because my DDs came to me aged 1, I've never had to look after a newborn, so I can't claim to really know what it's like to look after one. I've never had to cope with a serious illness, and I've never been an inpatient in hospital.

In short, none of us have experienced everything in life. But that doesn't stop us from listening and having empathy for a friend who is going through a hard time, we don't have to have been through the same thing ourselves, we can empathise with their pain.

@Leighhalfpennysthigh

Please please do not apologise. X

How come there are so many threads about narc DMs and Narc MILs if being a mother reveals new vistas of empathy inaccessible to the childless? Do good mothers have a deep empathy with shit mothers because they are all mothers? My grandma was a nasty individual who alienated two of her kids from when they were teenagers and basically never saw them again. Would OPs colleague have said ‘oh I know how she must feel?’. Because seemingly she didn’t feel anything about this and died without making any kind of amends. That something mothers on this thread are willing to say they understand?

I think it’s a ridiculous thing to say precisely because it gets people’s backs up and sounds really snippy, but it is true.

I’m sorry for you troubles.

Even if (for example) you’ve spent a lot of time working with children of that age, been very close to nieces and nephews of that age, had friends with children of that age etc? You’d still have no idea what it might be like?

I can't think of any professions where you work with children from birth to adulthood as closely as parents do. No.

I understand it to be a commonly held belief that babysitting nieces and nephews and knowing other people's children is not at all like having your own.

The thing is, nobody can ever fully understand what it's like to be another person, separate from themselves. We can imagine, and wonder, but we can't ever know how accurate we are.

But we like to draw parallels and comparisons: between mothers, or anything else: paramedics, gymnasts, whatever.

I wouldn't be offended if someone told me I'd no idea how it feels to be a gymnast, which frankly requires far more skill and practice than being a parent. So why is it offensive to suggest that, if you've never been something, you probably don't know what it feels like to be that thing?

I would never say something like that to someone childless as I have no idea how they truly feel about being childless so I wouldn't want to risk hurting someone's feelings.

I was responding to..,
And you have no idea what each age/stage is going to bring until you get to it.

can't think of any professions where you work with children from birth to adulthood as closely as parents do. No.

Well obviously not as closely, no one else knows particular children as closely as parents do, but for example paediatricians, one to one TAs, some teachers etc know their children in their incredibly well. You get to know their parents incredibly well and find out about the struggles they are facing. That gives you a significant insight into what life is like at different stages.

starsandmoonlight
Nannies in posh families sometimes bring up the kids. They are basically the mother.
Also old fashioned children's homes, children would have the same house mother for years.
These as people who are paid to effectively be the parent. Its not all babysitting for a few hours you know.

I also know adults who basically brought up their younger siblings.

Also some youth club workers basically spend every evening and some weekends with those kids for years. They know the kids much better than their parents.

And any mother with kids who also takes other peoples kids away on residentials, or long periods of time, will tell you that it is more scary looking after someone elses kids than your own.

Rixera I'm with you. I had difficulty conceiving my two DC but, while they are much loved and I love their company - and was grateful I could have them - it didn't transform my world view. Except I cried when I was hormonal in pregnancy. I have no particular liking for other people's babies or young children (like them mostly when they're older) and while I sympathise for any difficulties they have it is no more than before I had children. So the wand of maternity has passed me by.

I don't have a problem with someone who does not have children expressing a view - it's a free world.

How we all choose to react to that is where the problem lies!

Personally, I am happy to think that I am right inside without causing an argument unnecessarily - I'm rarely right!.

In this case, OP agreed with the colleague and a nice response may have been, "you really have insight into this and we can support our colleague together".

There should not be a competition.