You can’t understand, unless you’re a mother

[PerfectionistProcrastinator]

I was having a conversation today with two colleagues about a lady that we know. She is currently going though a difficult time worrying about her young adult DS.

We were all in agreement that the lady in question must be going through a terrible time at the moment when one of them (a mother in her 40s) says that our other colleague and myself could not possibly understand how it feels until we are mothers ourselves. This is not the first time that this person has suggested that people without children could not fully relate to a situation.

AIBU to be irritated by this?

I am 34, my partner and I have been trying for a baby for a year since our miscarriage at 12 weeks. She knows that I would love nothing more than to be a mother myself.

It’s a horrible thing to say, of course you can understand even though you’re not a parent. However, there is a tiny grain of truth in that you can never really 100% know what something is like if you’ve never experienced it. I can empathise with someone else’s difficulties but I’ve never had a disability or a child with SEN or a close family member with a terminal illness or whatever it might be - so no, I wouldn’t fully “get it” if I hadn’t been in the same situation.
But to verbalise it, especially with what you’ve been through, is heartless IMO.

Thanks for your replies.

I have been reading through them and taken them all on board. On reflection I think that maybe it wasn’t that I think she’s wrong. I agree that I have no idea what it is like to be a parent, and I never suggested that I did. But saying what she did when she did almost made me feel like my empathy wasn’t relevant.

For those asking, yes she does know about my miscarriage. I’d had a scan the week before my loss when all was good and healthy, only a 1% chance of miscarriage after that.

Just one of those stupid smug things some parents say (including many on this thread).

It was totally and completely unnecessary. Even if you're a mother, you don't necessarily understand more than a non mother a difficulty with a child that you haven't experienced with your own child. Also why the need to say it.

If someone is talking about losing their mother and a colleague sympathises, what kind of arsehole would pipe up "oh you don't know what it feels like until you've lost a parent yourself"? Why would you say something like that other than to try and make yourself feel part of some kind of special group?

I presume these idiots never ever comment on politicians, or teachers, or actors because, I mean, they've never been one themselves so obviously they're not entitled to an opinion or a view or any empathy with any situation they've never been in themselves.

YANBU. The key here for me is that you and your colleague were being empathetic, it wasn’t like you weren’t getting it. So to then say that puts you both down and dismisses your contribution and empathy ... and that’s before you add in your miscarriage.

Is she generally insensitive?

Tactless but true.

I've had this as well. I just respond now that they don't understand what it's like to be infertile, but we can still all empathise with each other and be kind. And that includes nit making childless women feel like shit.

It really depends on what you said to provoke her to say it.
But really yes, you genuinely cannot begin to imagine what it's like to become a mother until you do. And that includes all the bad stuff as well!

I've had this as well. I just respond now that they don't understand what it's like to be infertile, but we can still all empathise with each other and be kind. And that includes nit making childless women feel like shit.

Exactly.

Just one of those stupid smug things some parents say (including many on this thread).

It does sound like some on here could be the colleague

As Ringbinder says, it comes across as judging you and your colleague as not being empathetic which isn't the case. You both were.

Parenthood is not a passport to empathy (as you may have discovered with your colleague there!) but you may feel things differently - equally, you may not. It's so variable.

I do agree with what she said (although tactless), but I always hated when people said it to me before children.

For that reason alone, I would never say it to anyone else.

Also hate ‘you’ve got all this to come’ when they’re talking about kids older than mine.

Just irritates the hell out of me. Not even sure why, tbh. Just a pet hate.

I hate this kind of thing. People should think before they speak. If it's someone whose issues you know about, it's tactless and nasty. If it's someone you don't know, you've no idea what issues they might have.

Knowing your situation she was very tactless but she was right overall.

Having a child dramatically changes your outlook on life and your attitude towards other peoples children in particular. Whenever you hear something bad has happened your mind instantly puts your own child in that dreadful situation and it brings out a sort of anguish you never knew could exist. DH and I can't watch news stories anymore about kids who've come to harm for whatever reason because it makes us so sad and angry. We just look at each other and say 'Those poor parents - their baby is gone' or 'How could they do that to that innocent child?' or 'I don't know what we'd do if that happened to our DS'

I have no doubt though that you do truly feel sorry for the woman and her son. I completely believe that you feel empathy and sympathy for them. I think that you're a good person who cares about others.

Before I had a child it used to really annoy me when people would say to me "You can't understand unless you're a mother" or "You're not exhausted - I'm exhausted because I have kids!". I felt like it was a competition to them. I realise now that I was wrong. I know the parent anguish they are referring to. I've now experienced sleep deprivation first hand and I don't know how I survived it? Two to three hours of broken sleep, every night for 6 months, whilst a baby is completely reliant on you to survive when you're barely scraping by yourself. It's literally exhausting to the point where you start to hallucinate and can't function properly.

"I've had this as well. I just respond now that they don't understand what it's like to be infertile, but we can still all empathise with each other and be kind. And that includes nit making childless women feel like shit."

Best post on this thread. Maybe some of you could take note.

Living through life with all its ups and downs is what gives people understanding and empathy. And those are qualities that enable you to respond to, and sympathise with, those going through all kinds of difficult situations.

Those of you who have had children have no idea how closely those without them can empathise or understand certain situations. You're only judging by how you personally were before you became a mother.

This annoys me so much, im a mother now to 21 month old, i dont understand any more what having ill child is like , than before i was pregnant, the only difference im living though it and before i didnt, so i disagree with the comment the women made.

It's true, but it doesn't need to be said.

It's clear, however that some people on this thread seem to think that empathy and kindness work one way - ie towards a parent.

Some people might want to check out the things not to say to a childless woman thread. You might learn something.

Annajohnsdottir

Please read the thread on AIBU about things not to say in front of childless women. You sound like you need a bit of education and enlightenment.

Yanbu to feel irritated

She is correct though

“Things not to say to childless women”

I’m not childless but I reckon I’d be a bit peeved being so generically referred to like this. As this group all share precisely same feelings and views on the subject

Workreturner. no, none of us were peeved. We were not referring to ourselves generically, but to one aspect of ourselves that has profoundly affected our lives and to the hurtful, tactless and ignorant remarks we are often subjected to.

Id also like to add i only went through sleep deprivation during my teacher training placements and not having my newborn so that's not always the case either

I’m not childless but I reckon I’d be a bit peeved being so generically referred to like this. As this group all share precisely same feelings and views on the subject

Of course we don't, no more than all parents are insensitive arses. However, we have all experienced comments that undermine us and make feel upset. And I am childless. I wanted children, I tried very hard to have then, but I couldn't. Who are you to tell us how we can describe ourselves as a group?

YABU . What your colleague said is the truth. I doubt she said it to be nasty to you, but more that as empathetic as you are, for true understanding you will have had to experience it. I was the first of my friends group to have teenagers, all my friends empathised with me when dc was being a little shit (to put it mildly) but I have had more than one admit to me that now that their children are teens, how much they truely understand what I went through.

I think peoples perception on situations changes when they have children, but I don't think that makes their perception more valid.

I am desperate for children, I don't have any, that doesn't make me, or my feelings less. Just different.

But why the need to say it irnbru. Do you go around rudely telling anyone who sympathises with a mother having a difficult time with one of her kids that they don't understand if they don't have children?