You can’t understand, unless you’re a mother

[PerfectionistProcrastinator]

I was having a conversation today with two colleagues about a lady that we know. She is currently going though a difficult time worrying about her young adult DS.

We were all in agreement that the lady in question must be going through a terrible time at the moment when one of them (a mother in her 40s) says that our other colleague and myself could not possibly understand how it feels until we are mothers ourselves. This is not the first time that this person has suggested that people without children could not fully relate to a situation.

AIBU to be irritated by this?

I am 34, my partner and I have been trying for a baby for a year since our miscarriage at 12 weeks. She knows that I would love nothing more than to be a mother myself.

Your colleague should have phrased it more sensitively in recognition of your circumstances. I am sorry that she did not. But, I do think she is right. People who are not parents cannot understand the weight of responsibility and worry you feel for that child. I have an in law who works with children who have the same condition as my DS. She has no children herself. Because of this she thinks she understands how I feel and so is very quick to offer advice. What she doesn't understand is that when her working day is done she can come home and sit on the couch with a glass of wine and forget about it all. I sit on the couch still worrying about my Ds, sometimes in tears. I don't get to shed that responsibility. She is oblivious to that. However sympathetic she is she has not experienced that, and won't until she is a mother herself.

YABU

It is true. You aren’t a mother so you don’t know what it feels like.

She is speaking the truth, but she shouldn’t have said it.

She's right but she shouldn't have said it.

Going against the grain here but I think in general if you are an empathetic person and have a decent imagination, you can get pretty close to the feelings you have when you're a parent. Enough to understand how upset someone may be feeling when their child is ill for example.

I don't think my perspective on life has drastically changed and I've not had many feelings I wasn't expecting

Either way it's a rude thing to say though, just because you've not directly experienced something doesn't mean you can't be sympathetic and supportive. If you want support from people who've only experienced the same as you then you'd be forever going to specialist support groups to feel better!

@YesIDidNameChangeForThis Again though it will in reality only those who have DC with the sane condition who will know what it is like. Not all parents so it is a sweeping generalisation.

I think what she said should be qualified by the following:

unless you are a parent you cannot understand how difficult it is to see the wood for the trees in these situations.

what appears might be a rational response to those around you, either with children of a different age or differently abled or without mental health problems or of different academic abilities....well,

you don't necessarily have a rational response.

So unless you have a child who is extraordinarily bright who fails their Oxbridge exam, when they had their heart set on it, you cannot really understand what it is like for that to matter. Most of us would say, well it doesn't matter, there are more important things to worry about. But as a parent of that child, it does matter. It is your lived experience. And it is not about ambition or one upmanship

Whilst her comment was tactless and insensitive, I am afraid I have to agree with your colleague!

This is bollocks.

I think it's lucky for her no dad's were about too, or maybe they couldn't understand either.

She is a twat.

OP most people I have come to realise are really poor at empathy, If you are, then she is right. If not, then she is wrong.

I hasten to add, my kids are not Oxbridge candidates.

@BishBoshBashBop I think the condition adds another layer to the responsibility and worry felt, so yes, in that sense only parents of similar children will understand the specific toll of those specific problems..however the basic point stands that non parents cannot understand the 24hr feeling of responsibility and worry a parent feels. I don't believe THAT is a sweeping generalisation.

Yes it probably is insensitive but it is true. People who don't yet have children don't understand many things about parenting . I hope you one day get your opportunity to be a parent and experience the wonderful yet sometimes difficult moments :)

I find this sort of thing really annoying. ALL different types of people relate to things in different ways. Most of the people using this forum are mothers and don't all relate/react to posts in the same way.

I can see both sides. I have to confess that I would work for someone who has kids and understands that sometimes kids have to come before work. Of course people who don't have kids have other things going on in their lives eg may have elderly parents or similar but I think on the whole, if your boss has kids (barring high flying men with wives to do all the wife/mum work) they have a bit more empathy.

That said, before I had kids I had no problems with parents leaving to go early to nativity plays etc, in fact I pitied them for having to sit through it ;)

I think LightTripper has it - a little bit of imagination and a little bit of empathy-it is not hard to put yourself in someone else's shoes.

Can I not empathise with my friend who has lost her job, if I have not lost my job, or my friend's annoying husband if I were not married, or my friend who suffered racism because I am white?! Its a ludicrous suggestion and smack of smugness and if that is the case, then I feel sorry for your friends!!

I do not have children, I do have a brother with MH issues and have watched it tear my mother apart. In a case like the OP I would have been incandescent if someone suggested I couldn't sympathise because 'I was not a mother'

Tactless and a little thoughtless but still true.
You can't understand some things about being a mum until you are living it every day.

I don’t think it’s true, what was I supposedly not understanding before I had children? Just another way to patronise people. I can’t think of anything I would say is different about my understanding of the world and my place in it, just because of the simple fact of motherhood.

I can’t possibly live all of life’s experiences myself. I can still relate and empathise.

Nothing about my perspective changed in relation to my own child.

Total nonsense IMO. There are a lot of responses on MN on every single thread from people showing a profound lack of empathy and imagination, it's an individual thing not mothers vs not. Half the time the situation of the OP isn't even grasped at all by some people. That expression "You can't possibly understand, you're not a mother" is not just utterly cringeworthy but potentially profoundly hurtful as in your case and would only ever be said by someone with no empathy themselves. You ANBI to be irritated, it's a very irritating thing to say.

She's an arse. Does she know you lost your baby?

Ha Satsumaeater I read the first couple of lines of your post and was about to reply that you wouldn’t want to work for my partner. We have three kids but he has no empathy or flexibility with regards to his employees as much as I try to drum it into him. Then I read on and realised you had that covered.

I don’t think you are at all unreasonable OP. I think she was wrong.

I used to loathe this, and the very many other forms it can come in such as:

Me: I’m exhausted
Colleague: you don’t know the meaning of the word until you’ve had kids

Me: I’ve had a busy weekend
Colleague: try having kids

Like nothing else in this world you could possibly do could be as exhausting as having kids bore off!

She's an utter shit if she knows about your miscarriage and totally insensitive.

I do agree with her though.

She was a giant arse to say it knowing what you are going through and honestly she's a bitch for it

However I agree with some of thebother posters in a general concept....the most annoying thing to hear s that people understand being parents because they have dogs

It's just nowhere near the same , you don't worry that a dog is developing social skills that will help him in the world ,or that a dog is happy with how many extended family your family unit has a relationship with and whether you should get them into extra classes because they aren't making friends at school etc etc

There are some things that are impossible to equate with as a parent , but there are things that I wouldn't equate with on the grounds I am not an astronaut, nor do I have a disability...i can empathise by using sensible imagination but I do not truly understand

However people wouldn't say to a person with one leg ,I know how you feel because I hop a lot

I'm sorry you are struggling and I really hope you get what you want