Paying for DS holiday with ex??

[shamalawa]

A long, waffly one. Sorry.

have a (lovely lovely) DS who is 14. I left his dad when DS was 4, we were together too young, he was useless and lazy, fell out of love etc. We get on 'ok' but he's always been flakey with DS. Often cancels contact weekends, very rarely phones to chat to him etc. XP (LazyDad) has also never given any money toward DS - he has always had a very low paying job and as I earned well I didn't bother chasing him for anything. I think also out of misplaced guilt for leaving him I felt bad for even considering asking (foolish, yes but here we are)

Anyhoo, fast forward ten years and he's still as flaky as ever (has seen DS twice this year so far). I received a text from his DP, let's call her Kim.
I really really like Kim, she looks after DS v well when he visits - really makes an effort, she sends DS little gifts through the post etc. I've got a lot of time for her and we get on well.

Kim "hey Sha, I've been thinking about LazyDads bday next March and really want to surprise him and DS with a holiday to Barbados. LazyDad will get to see his family who live out there, DS will get to meet his cousins, aunties uncles etc"

Me: "wow that's a great idea, DS would love that - here are DS half term dates, if you could work it so he doesn't miss any school, or a day or 2 at most, that would be fab!"

Kim: "thanks soooo much, it will be a great surprise for them both. I feel really cheeky though, could you pay for DS flight?"

Argh!!!
I'm now married and a SAHM however my DH is a very high earner, which Kim is aware of. I feel guilty because we would be able to afford it without much thought BUT it's the principle isn't it?
ExDP hasn't paid a PENNY for DS and DH pays for literally everything as I'm now not working - including private school fees. The thing is, because it's Kim that's asking me I would feel really bad saying no.
DH said ultimately it's my decision BUT he thinks it's taking the piss a bit.

I also don't know if Kim is aware of the extent to which LazyDad pays NOTHING it's very possible he tells her he does?
Kim has only recently started back at work so I know she hasn't got much spare cash and if we don't cough up for DS it's likely the trip won't go ahead (or maybe they just won't take DS?). She has said she will cover accommodation, food and spending money.
I know DS would enjoy the trip and love meeting his cousins and experiencing the culture from that side of his family (because God knows his dad doesn't provide anything in terms of this...!)

But WIBU to say no???

Yeah I'd pay for it. If I could comfortably afford it. I'd think of it as being like a school trip, but with the added bonus of DS meeting loads of his family. If I'm not going to take him to Barbados to meet them, who else is?

You, DS, DH, Lazydad, Stepmum all know the lie of the land. Everyone knows who's funding this. He's lucky to have you and DH. It's a very special opportunity for your boy.

I agree ScouseQueen with the entire ploy seems fishy to me

A no from me. It's only really meaningful for DS if it's his dad wanting him to come, and paying for him to come.

Not a chance.

You will already be on the hook for weather appropriate clothing. With a growing kid that is u likely to just be stuff he already has in his closet. Be realistic and know that you will also need to provide spending money.

That might not be such a big deal if his dad wasn’t a deadbeat, but given the circumstances it is a problem.

Are they fucking kidding?
If they can afford overseas holidays they can afford to pay decent maintenance.

If thank her for letting you know that their financial situation has improved and inform them you'll be contacting the CSA.

Cheeky fuckers!

Hard one, but I'd say no. I'd also gently explain why.

"Hi Kim, it's a lovely idea but we can't contribute towards the gift. As you know, DH is the sole earner in our family now and on top of all the school fees etc he kindly pays out for DS, I just can't ask him for such a substantial sum to LazyDad when he hasn't ever contributed for DSs upbringing."

I would say no. So he can afford a holiday in Barbados but not to support his own children? Massively taking the piss.
I think it would show disloyalty to your dh expect him to fund this on top of everything. Cfs in the extreme.

Oh sorry toodamn basically said why you said.

Fuck. That. OP, on the face of it, it sounds like a nice idea. But why should his step dad, who already pays for so much, fund this? His step dad sounds like a good father figure and if I were him I would not be happy to pay for something that benefits the feckless father. You shouldn't be funding anything that benefits ex and his partner. Your son might hate the idea to, I think its a bad idea to even tell him about it.

I would explain to Kim that while it's lovely that she wants to include him and you very much appreciate how much she does for your son, you don't feel it's appropriate for you to ask your DH to support this, given that your ex has never ever paid any child support. With regret you're going to have to say no, you hope she understands, but thanks for thinking of him.
THIS - Hope is spot on

Dear Kim

I've had a bit of time to think about your offer to take DS to Barbados with his dad. It is a lovely idea and very sweet of you to have thought of him. I fully understand why you asked if I could fund his flight. It has raised a few issues for me and I think that in order to avoid any misunderstandings, it is probably easiest if I just put my cards on the table. As you know XP has never paid a penny in maintenance for DS. This means that my DH has basically funded most of his expenses including school fees over the years and he has done so willingly and without begrudging it at all. However, I would feel incredibly awkward asking him to fund a trip of this magnitude for DS - I would feel that I was taking his generosity for granted. I hope that you understand where I am coming from. I am extremely grateful for all the care you show to DS and I know he is also very appreciative of his good relationship with you and I really hope that this isn't going to come between us at all.

I can't imagine a 14 would want to go away for 2 weeks with people he hardly knows. Even if one is his dead beat dad. They'd be hanging around peoples houses, not in a hotel and the beach, he'd surely be bored out of his mind and feeling very awkward in someone else's home who he doesn't know.

Let alone the complete cheek of asking for money. His dad doesn't care about him, so why would he care more on a holiday? If he can't be bothered to see him here? It's like sending your child aware with a next door neighbour....someone he knows just a bit....why would you do that?

Also, get a maintenance claim in now, why wouldn't you? Trips to Barbados and you are not getting a penny from him? He's taking the Micky, I bet he knows all about it but doesn't want you to think he's got money,

It would be a no fir me. Cheek!

I do agree that you get a cms claim in now. You might be doing well financially but I think LD should be made to accept some responsibility for his son.

I bet he knows all about it but doesn't want you to think he's got money,

That's very possible

TBH, the main issue I have here is that it's not money the OP has earned that would be used to pay for this flight, it's money the OP's DH has earned - and surely he does enough already to give his stepson a nice life? If I were him I'd massively resent shelling out however much it's going to cost for DS to go to Barbados with his dad, because once again he's paying for something that lazydad (or even Kim, if it's her surprise), should be paying for. If OP's DH can pay for her DS to go on holiday with them then why shouldn't Kim pay, if she wants DS to go with them on their holiday? OP's DH gets nothing out of this, so why should he be the one to foot the bill?

Dear Kim, on looking into the average cms payments exh owes me xxxx, take the cost of ds's holiday out of that. Looking forward to the rest landing in my bank account soon, as exh is obviously in a better place financially these days.

This ex really should be starring in The Man with the Golden Cock." I can't think of any other reason why two perfectly intelligent women are bankrolling him.

Honestly thank you so much everyone for your replies.

Londonmummy is especially like your reply. I'm a bit of a walkover wuss and that's just the right level of nice versus no-bullshit.

As a complete aside, but still related, could anyone help me compose a message to him asking him to start giving me some money toward DS? My plan is to put it into savings for him, which I will also contribute to also.

I'd rather do it like this first so then I show I have tried recently to get contributions instead of going straight to CMS

I would send londonmummy’s text. I think it points out all your worries but remains very polite and trying to keep the good relationship between you two.

Yes londonmummy response is very good, it would be extremely hard for anyone to take offense at that.

You're way too kind OP, and he shouldn't have to be asked but be paying, but either way I'm glad you're now thinking about your Exes lack of support for his Son and sorting it by whichever means necessary.

and NO to paying for a holiday the Father should be paying for.

I’d say something like ‘lazydad, as you know I have never asked for any maintenance from you for your (or our) son. I am now very aware that university is very expensive and I dearly want ds to go and want to start preparing for this. Therefore can we agree to set aside some money each month? If so could you contribute £200 per month? If I set up a saving account and give you the details can this start next month.’

On balance, as you said you could afford it without really giving it much thought, I would probably pay it. The exdp imo was actually being rather kind and inclusive to think about your ds. Im sure she could have quite happily planned for just her and your exdp to go to barbados without your son. If she could afford it, do you think she would have? If so, then in order to keep good relations, and for your son to benefit, then I would pay.