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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask PIL to help pay for childcare?

293 replies

TheMythicalChicken · 22/11/2018 20:30

Just for background, I lost my job a few months ago. Things have been very tight for us since. My DH works but his salary is not enough to support us all. I should say at this point that both DC are at private school. DS has SEN which is catered for at the school and for various reasons we decided to send DD as well. We have prioritized this over the years above home ownership, holidays, etc.

I was offered a job yesterday, a really good one. The problem is childcare. The kids break up next week (we’re overseas) and are off for nearly 6 weeks. We will have to book them into holiday club and we just don’t have the money.

PIL live in the same city as us and would have them over the holidays if we asked. Unfortunately I don’t really trust them to look after the kids. They don’t supervise them at all and both kids have had accidents whilst in their ‘care’. Not only that, but FIL doesn’t like them being there and moans constantly about what a liberty it is.

So the only viable option is asking PIL if they will help pay for childcare. However, they will not be sympathetic as they disagree with private school and make constant references to it in terms of our financial situation.

I am not sure if I would be unreasonable to ask them. What do you think?

Thank you.

OP posts:
StoppinBy · 23/11/2018 09:13

It is actually my daughter's school (primary), just didn't want people getting all uppity about a private school. Might I also add though that the cost of the schooling is only $1600 per year which for our school includes all education material, excursion, school camps etc. My SIL has her daughter in public school and they pay roughly the same for the year once they buy materials and pay for excursions etc.

We chose the school because it runs an 'active learning' program rather than a traditional program so I can see why the OP would have opted for something similar if that is what they did.

They finish on the 18th, have two days of parent/teacher interviews which requires each family to attend the school for half an hour on one of those days (ours is 8:30am on the 19th) and then they go back on the 31st. Just read it in the news letter today.

We are in Victoria, Aus. Not sure why they set those dates to be honest.

SorryBaby · 23/11/2018 09:15

Stoppinby

Are you the OP? Confused?

SorryBaby · 23/11/2018 09:20

Ah no, sorry maybe not- just didn't understand the first line. 😬

MumsKnitters · 23/11/2018 09:22

Don't turn it down yet op. It's a great opportunity and your difficulties are temporary. This job will not just solve financial troubles, but also give you an opportunity to make friends and build a support network. You're not a cheeky fucker if you only ask for a loan rather than a hand out. And I don't see the problem with asking for it for childcare. It's easily phrased as a solution that's much easier on your PIL, and you're thinking of them.

Do you have anyone else - a sibling? - that could easily afford to lend you the money, and you could pay them back over six months? No harm in asking your PIL for s loan first. It's not like it's for holiday, it's to enable you to work and support your family.

MistressDeeCee · 23/11/2018 09:24

Nothing wrong with your DH asking for help with childcare fees for a time. After all they are his parents, and they have the option to say yes or no

The real problem here however, is you need to live within your means. You can't afford private school for your children, so they shouldn't be at private school. As no doubt you will be leaning on their Grandparents time and again over the years because your finances are overstretched.

& you won't like it if they say no to shelling out money, even though they are perfectly entitled to do so.

You don't like the way they look after your children, so what are you going to do if they say no to the money but then offer to look after your children for the duration instead...?

You need to get real about life, and live within your means. Other people aren't obliged to prop up your finances. Even worse when they are subjected to you being critical about their ways, but on the other hand perfectly willing to get money out of them to suit your needs.

StoppinBy · 23/11/2018 09:29

No, just answering questions that people were asking about school dates.

MadeForThis · 23/11/2018 09:37

Don't turn down the job.

Get DH to ask them for a loan.

By the sound of things they don't like looking after the dc anyway and might prefer to loan money rather than babysitting.

But get DH to ask.

WhoGivesADamnForAFlakeyBandit · 23/11/2018 10:03

Don't turn down the job. Say you are struggling for childcare. If they are really short of candidates they might be flexible over the start date or even giving you loan. If you were in the UK and needed a travel card, for example, loads of companies run schemes for new starters to cover the initial outlay - it's not that different if you'll have the money once you get paid.

Oddsocksandmeatballs · 23/11/2018 10:36

I hope something even better comes your way soon OP, it sounds like you are caught between a rock and a hard place at the moment.

JuliaRobbers · 23/11/2018 10:48

Don't turn down the job!! That would be short sighted!

Ring your bank & get an unsecured loan which you can repay with your salary (even if it wipes your salary clean for a few months). Think long term!!

irregularegular · 23/11/2018 10:53

I've thought about this some more. I'm not sure I understand what is going on here? What if you hadn't got the job? Presumably you would be financially even worse off? You say it is a really good job, so presumably it at least covers the cost of the holiday childcare? Is the problem that the childcare fee is due before you get paid.

I think it can be OK to ask for a short term loan from family when you really need it now, but longer term things are in place. You don't need to particularly link it to paying for childcare as they clearly aren't going to be keen on that.

But if things are not going to settle down and you are not going to be in a much better financial position and able to pay back the family loan soon, then I think you need to look at making bigger cut backs.

SunnyG0507 · 23/11/2018 10:56

Please don't turn down the job offer for the 6-week childcare! It will be helpful for your financial situation in the longer term, especially considering you've moved to another country for DH ( I know you are happily married, but your own income will always be better than not having it) and two DC in the private school. Let DH ask MIL for a loan or find a cheaper childcare, or even ask some help from any other close friends/relatives, just for this time and making sure you repay very soon without any delay? What do DH think for your current situation? There is an temporary issue for the finance/childcare for your family and that's not only your own problem.

irregularegular · 23/11/2018 12:02

I've read more of the thread and your updates now. You took the feedback with very good humour. I hope you can find a way to make this work as it sounds like you are in a very difficult situation.

Racecardriver · 23/11/2018 12:13

Don’t you have any friends you could ask? Even if you don’t know them that well. I would do it for one lot of summer holidays for a family from school I don’t know well if they were in the same situation as you.

cestlavielife · 23/11/2018 12:22

Dontt turn down the job.
You clearlry need the income long term if 6ou can't cibee expenses now
Hire an au pair live in for.the holidays
Get a loan

SorryBaby · 23/11/2018 12:30

I feel like this may have intended to be a begging thread, now no one has offered help, the OP isn't interested 😬

MistressDeeCee · 23/11/2018 13:03

All the suggestions centred around the childres' Grandparents stepping up in terms of money, whether given or a loan.

Well suppose they say no, but offer to do the childcare instead?

I have a mind that wouldn't go down well at all as it's not what the OP wants really is it, she wants the cash.

if you insist on living beyond your means, there has to be an acceptance that the bailouts you seek may not necessarily be available because people may not do what you want them to do, or see things in the same way as you do.

& If they're the ones holding the money, then you surely do have a big problem.

Never rest your life hopes dreams and wishes on somebody else's money.

HoppingPavlova · 23/11/2018 13:07

Is there really a problem with PIL looking after them though just for these holidays? You indicate they are both school age. Kids that age aren’t really that breakable Grin. If it’s a choice between turning down a dream job and one that could provide the means to finance future school holiday care for the kids it seems REALLY short-sighted to knock back your in-laws looking after your school age kids this time to enable future freedom in this regard.

Darkbendis · 23/11/2018 14:02

Read only till page 5 so far. In your situation, I will try to see if there is no one (grandparent, cousin, aunt, family friend, or family friend's teenage or student child etc) who would come for a 5-6 week holiday to look after my children for the hours myself and DH are in work. I would cover travel expenses, passport if necessary, of course make sure I provide food, accommodation etc, maybe even some pocket money, a sort of 6 week au pair that you know. Or maybe not even look so far away. For this amount of money, maybe you could find a local 18-19 y old who could spend the day with your kids in the house, make sure they don;t cause any/much trouble, keep them safe and entertained until you come home? I know it's not ideal, but it's a solution for this holiday.

BolleauxtoBankers · 23/11/2018 14:35

Sorrybaby - alternatively, in a less cynical world than yours, the OP lives in a different time zone from you and has been asleep/starting her day/out and about?

beanaseireann · 23/11/2018 14:35

Ah Australia - that explains it - so it's like your summer holidays.

Witchofwisteria · 23/11/2018 14:38

You cannot afford private school, change their schools immediately I cannot believe that you have not considered this.

flowery · 23/11/2018 14:41

I am confused - if the childcare is needed because you will be working, and you are currently not working, then surely the only point at which the cost of childcare is a problem is when the cost is higher than the amount you are earning? And even if it costs more than you are earning, can you really not find enough to cover the difference on a very temporary basis?

Just don't get why childcare would require PIL to pay for it, if the reason it's needed is that you are earning money which you currently aren't!

SorryBaby · 23/11/2018 14:43

Sorrybaby - alternatively, in a less cynical world than yours, the OP lives in a different time zone from you and has been asleep/starting her day/out and about?*

Quite possibly.....but I still think it's a begging thread.

Nanny0gg · 23/11/2018 14:45

I have a mind that wouldn't go down well at all as it's not what the OP wants really is it, she wants the cash.

Did you read why she doesn't want the GP to have the children?