To ask PIL to help pay for childcare?

[TheMythicalChicken]

Just for background, I lost my job a few months ago. Things have been very tight for us since. My DH works but his salary is not enough to support us all. I should say at this point that both DC are at private school. DS has SEN which is catered for at the school and for various reasons we decided to send DD as well. We have prioritized this over the years above home ownership, holidays, etc.

I was offered a job yesterday, a really good one. The problem is childcare. The kids break up next week (we’re overseas) and are off for nearly 6 weeks. We will have to book them into holiday club and we just don’t have the money.

PIL live in the same city as us and would have them over the holidays if we asked. Unfortunately I don’t really trust them to look after the kids. They don’t supervise them at all and both kids have had accidents whilst in their ‘care’. Not only that, but FIL doesn’t like them being there and moans constantly about what a liberty it is.

So the only viable option is asking PIL if they will help pay for childcare. However, they will not be sympathetic as they disagree with private school and make constant references to it in terms of our financial situation.

I am not sure if I would be unreasonable to ask them. What do you think?

Thank you.

Wow! Entitled much.

It's CFery on so many levels. You obviously don't see that, or you wouldn't ask AIBU on here

Astounding

Did you read why she doesn't want the GP to have the children

Yes, I did Nanny

& my answer remains the same.

Maybe you can just advise the OP on how to say 'nah, no way do I want you to do childcare but I want you to pay for the money for somebody else to do it' without it sounding beyond cheeky.

That'd be more useful really.

Can’t you just ask for a loan for the childcare until you start your job then pay them back? Childcare costs are your responsibility, not theirs. It is a bit of an insult to them to say you don’t trust them (although if the kids have had accidents in their care I can understand why you don’t) but then ask for money for childcare. Expecting anything other than a loan is rude and selfish. Are they loaded?

As someone (in the UK) who has always been anti-private education but is currently considering it for one of my dc due to their SN, I think people are being rather harsh. Not trusting the PIL may also be SN related, my dc does need a lot closer supervision than most children his age and so I would be worried if I felt he wasn’t going to get that.

This. Mine is currently home educated as no local schools, special or private, can cater to him. We're going to have to move areas for secondary, to send him to one that can, and it will be private. We are currently entitled to an EHCP which will pay for it, but if Brexit does crash the economy the money may not be there for that and we will have to fund it. We can't remotely afford it but we'll just have to if it comes to that. Special needs are named for a reason. Just packing a kid with such needs off to a mainstream is not always feasible.

And the age of the child is potentially irrelevant if they have special needs. I love my father in law - he's the kindest man alive, and my husband's stepmother is one of the most genuinely decent and nice people you could ever hope to meet (second time lucky for FIL!) but I think they'd struggle to manage DS, frankly. Most people would if they don't realise the extent of his issues.

I have no clue what the situation is, but OP if it is anything like this house I sympathise with the desperation. I do think that seeking a low interest loan, plus using annual leave and asking for a delayed start, might be wiser in this situation. My FIL has been hugely generous to us over the years, including paying for a summer nanny when I was having major surgery, so I don't judge your hopes. We're really, really lucky. It's just that someone is more likely to help financially when the cause is breast cancer, than they are for private school (when from the sounds they aren't really on board with the idea of the disability and its mandating specific provision).

I don't know where you are, but have you explored whether the state can fund the private school place? There are some situations where the needs of a child (small classes, for example, and less sensory stress) can be more affordably met in a small private school than in a huge mainstream, because all of the additional support required can mount up rapidly. That's certainly where we are now. It's just that no small private school in our local area could offer what he needs, any more than a small state one could. He needs more specific provision than that. I have no idea where you are, or what provision is like, but I didn't know that was an option until a friend told me, so perhaps worth investigating?

I think a lot of people have been unreasonably harsh. In your situation I'd ask (or rather her DH to ask) FIL for help/loan - if he can be such a dick to his grandchildren he can at least help out in other ways. Why do people say are you totally responsible for your children but have zero for your grandchildren? Surely if you have children there is a high probability you'll become a grandparent at some stage - what sort of f**ed up person wouldn't want what's best for them and to help their own grown-up children if they were in need? I sure will when it's my turn.
OP I wish you and your family all the best, it sounds as if you have your family's best interests at heart and are doing your very best for them, ignore this CF name calling, you don't deserve it.
And people chastising you for not wanting to move your child with SEN from their school have no clue. At least some PP with real life experience of SEN have backed you up on this.

Well said SuperSue77, I agree with you.

I can’t understand why you think it’s appropriate to ask them. It’s not their place to pay surely, it’s yours? You are the parent

If you knew your parents were against private school though PimalLass it's very cheeky

[Name change as in app and can't remember password]

Still isn't cheeky. Family help each other. I might do things my mum doesn't agree with, but if it came down to it she would drop everything to help. What parent would look at that situation and think that it's better she gives up a life changing job?

Plus the money isn't for school fees - it is for holiday childcare because they've had a change in circumstances.

Maybe you can just advise the OP on how to say 'nah, no way do I want you to do childcare but I want you to pay for the money for somebody else to do it' without it sounding beyond cheeky.

But the grandparents don't like doing it and make the children feel unwelcome.

You may never of thought of yourself as a cheeky fucked, but you really are.

Can people stop posting on this thread please. I updated yesterday to say that I wouldn’t be taking the job and indeed I turned it down and they immediately offered it to the other shortlisted candidate, who accepted. So story over.

I really need the name calling to stop now. I was desperate for the job, not just for financial reasons but because I don’t have any friends or family of my own in this country and had not anticipated being out of work for so long due to “lack of local experience.”

I am lonely and depressed and was desperately searching for a solution. It was ill-advised and I admit I was a cheeky fucker for even thinking it. But it’s over now so please stop the name calling. Thank you.

Hide the thread OP. People won't stop posting.

Hide it and don't look at it again. Hope you feel better soon.

No you absolutely can’t ask that.
Your children so you pay for childcare and you should consider that as part of the school fees.
You obviously can’t afford private schools and you PIL know that and have said as much to you.
Try asking for a loan and sorry but I hope they turn you down as it sounds like you need to re asses your lifestyle and priorities here.

I agree, hide the thread. People can never be bothered to read beyond the OP and first few posts.

I hope things work out for you ok.

Dear OP, what a shame. I thought people were being a bit harsh too. I would have suggested TulipsInbloom1's approach.

The good news is: you went for a job and you got it! Unfortunately the timing was wrong, but it shows you can do it. Why don't you enjoy the long break (Oz or NZ I guess, so summer?), but keep your eyes on the jobs market and start applying mid-way through.

Why on earth did you turn down the job?

But how are you going to pay for your children’s private schooling with no job?

Oh, OP. In future, I'd post in SN Children. People there understand the very specific stresses and strains a lot better. You aren't cheeky - you are just desperate.

Is there any possibility you could think about moving back home? Could that be doable for your family at all? If you're in Australia then SN provision for some things (ASD especially) can be awful. And there are family and friends back here, no? I'm a dual national and we are staying in the UK, despite better job prospects overall in Australia, for that reason.

Things will work out. Just keep on keeping on. The logistics of this job didn't work out, but another will - and they wanted you! That's a great thing.

You're not a CF at all, just between a rock and a hard place. Been there and it's miserable. I send love.

Oh, and I'm so sorry I missed the earlier update - apologies for suggesting cancelled cheques.

Would def. hide the thread now though. Sadly understanding around SN and the needs and demands is not always all that one could hope.

So sorry OP. Some of the posters on here should be bloody ashamed.

Feel sorry for you OP. Hope things will work out soon.

Why on earth did you turn down the job?

Because posters on here bullied her into giving up on the only solution she had. It's too easy to be mean about other people's lives.

Yes it is unreasonable. YABVVU! Private schooling is a luxury and you can't trust your PIL to watch the kids but want them to pay for childcare?? Your PIL are not responsible for your kids. You and your husband are.

@Hannahmates FFS

AIBU is harsh and I think some responses go too far, but I do think (hope) that the OP might have got more understanding responses if she had explained the situation a bit more in her opening post. I read it and was a bit but after reading the OP's posts, I began to understand a bit better.

However, not one single person told the OP not to take the job. While some people were harsh and critical, others had constructive suggestions which would have enabled the OP to take the job.

OP, if you are still reading, i get the impression you are in a vulnerable position atm - unhappy and isolated - and I suggest that you post in Relationships to get some support. AIBU is really not the place.