To ask PIL to help pay for childcare?

[TheMythicalChicken]

Just for background, I lost my job a few months ago. Things have been very tight for us since. My DH works but his salary is not enough to support us all. I should say at this point that both DC are at private school. DS has SEN which is catered for at the school and for various reasons we decided to send DD as well. We have prioritized this over the years above home ownership, holidays, etc.

I was offered a job yesterday, a really good one. The problem is childcare. The kids break up next week (we’re overseas) and are off for nearly 6 weeks. We will have to book them into holiday club and we just don’t have the money.

PIL live in the same city as us and would have them over the holidays if we asked. Unfortunately I don’t really trust them to look after the kids. They don’t supervise them at all and both kids have had accidents whilst in their ‘care’. Not only that, but FIL doesn’t like them being there and moans constantly about what a liberty it is.

So the only viable option is asking PIL if they will help pay for childcare. However, they will not be sympathetic as they disagree with private school and make constant references to it in terms of our financial situation.

I am not sure if I would be unreasonable to ask them. What do you think?

Thank you.

Thanks Rachel for your post, it was really kind.

My parents just don’t have the money. My dad hasn’t had a job since 1982 .

OP you are a good sport for accepting your CheekyFuckeriness.

You should use a credit card or get a loan.

Thanks Happy, we tried that but we have not lived here long enough to qualify.

I think it's mean of some posters to put the boot in about private school, clearly you didn't know you were going to lose your job, and in the current climate, neither does anybody else frankly . And just "moving" a child with SEN who is settled well into school is no trivial matter. I would be exploring just about every possible avenue before considering that. I don't approve of private schools and wouldn't consider one, but that is MY choice, not a stick to beat somebody else with when they're asking for advice at a stressful time.

I would ask MIL for financial help if we were desperate (well, I'd get DH to do it) because she is the kind of person who would be happy to do it - she doesn't see a lot of the children, she's not one for close emotional bonds, but helping in practical ways is something she will do. If it was a large sum (she helped us with a house deposit) she will make a note of it and it will be deducted from DH's share of the inheritance. It's how things are done in DHs family (completely alien to me, but it's how they do things). If you think your PIL would be OK with being asked and they could afford it, then yes, ask them.

I really hope it works out for you and you don't have to move your dc

You must have a credit card though? Surely you didn't give up your credit cards from previous country before getting cards in new country?

Move back. Honestly, you can have a shit time, have a breakdown, go for counselling and then realise you need to move back ... or you can save yourself the time and just move back now.

Asking for a financial loan- fine. Perhaps even asking for help with childcare costs is fine too if you’re desperate. Asking for money for childcare when you’re paying to privately educate your children is just not ok. It’s like asking for money for food for he children when you’ve just splashed out on an expensive holiday.

I would love to move back Perosna, but there is no way DH would let me take the DC.

Agree with others...if you cant afford the schools why are you putting yourself though this. Re money for childcare sorry but its very rude...we dont trust you to look after your children so give us money so we can pay someone else

But could he really stop you?

Yes, unfortunately. In any event, our marriage is very happy. It’s just hard living here with none of my family or friends around to help.

Where are you? You have taken everything very good naturedly. But you are a master of the cf. 🏆

But could hereallystop you

Yes he could

Why not invite your folks to come and visit and look after your kids? pay their flights and loss of earning/ benefits while they are out of the country for two weeks, get in laws to do one week only with structured activities which reduced the opportunity for accidents
Delay start of new job by a voice of weeks
Jobs a goodun no ?

• couple of weeks

OP, sameday passport service exists here if youre willing to fork out to let your parents come over?

But yes, asking PILs to pay for childcare...thats the crown and sceptre of all CF-ery!

It's not CFery in every family. I've lent my dad money when he's been in a hole, and vice versa. Only OP knows whether or not it would be CFery in her family!

I really think it's not a good idea to expect others to cover in your place, even it's only temporarily.
You clearly sound like you don't like FIL, so why do you expect them to do you a favour?

Does your DH want to ask his parents?

I don't see the problem, lost of grandparents help out with things like swimming or dance lessons, if they are happy to do so then what is the difference?

I am kind of assuming that once you get on your feet though that you will be paying part or all of it back?

My understanding is that my support of my children doesn't finish when they leave the home so if I could help my kids out I would for sure. If they can afford it easily then there is no harm in asking but accept prior to asking that they have the right to say no.

Just to make it very clear before someone thinks I am taking the piss from my parents etc, my parents have given me nothing, I could go to my Mum's house complaining about having no food in the house and she still probably wouldn't offer me a sandwich.

I wake up every night around 3 am and just lie there for hours regretting my decision

fucking hell this thread just took a nasty turn. Your marriage can't be that happy if your DH insisted you move to a place away from your family and where your parents can't visit you and you are unhappy but he wont let you move home. You are very isolated OP.

I understand scrimping to pay for private school. You can ask. Maybe if you termed it as we really don’t want to impose them on fil as they would have to leave things there for the 6 weeks etc he would think it’s a good deal?
Does dp have any sahm old friends he could ask to look after them for a later , firmly agreed on payment? Massively imposing but might be an option?
Expensive personal loan with some dodgy place ...

Private loan transferred from a friend at home to be repaid?
Sell something ?

Or anything else sensible and not child related you need to pay for ... so you could ask pil for a loan for that?
schools are reasonable sometimes. When are next payments due, could you negotiate 2 extra weeks?

You can only ask. What's the worst that could happen?