To ask PIL to help pay for childcare?

[TheMythicalChicken]

Just for background, I lost my job a few months ago. Things have been very tight for us since. My DH works but his salary is not enough to support us all. I should say at this point that both DC are at private school. DS has SEN which is catered for at the school and for various reasons we decided to send DD as well. We have prioritized this over the years above home ownership, holidays, etc.

I was offered a job yesterday, a really good one. The problem is childcare. The kids break up next week (we’re overseas) and are off for nearly 6 weeks. We will have to book them into holiday club and we just don’t have the money.

PIL live in the same city as us and would have them over the holidays if we asked. Unfortunately I don’t really trust them to look after the kids. They don’t supervise them at all and both kids have had accidents whilst in their ‘care’. Not only that, but FIL doesn’t like them being there and moans constantly about what a liberty it is.

So the only viable option is asking PIL if they will help pay for childcare. However, they will not be sympathetic as they disagree with private school and make constant references to it in terms of our financial situation.

I am not sure if I would be unreasonable to ask them. What do you think?

Thank you.

You can't have the brass neck to ask your in-laws to pay for childcare for your kids after saying that you don't trust them enough to look after the children themselves. Talk about having the hide of a rhino.

You should live within your means. What are the "various reasons" you chose to send your daughter to a private school when you can't afford to?

How could the OP pay for emergency passports and flights to the other side of the world over Christmas when she has no money.

OP - just get your DH to ask the PILs. It's his problem to sort as you've moved for him.

Send them to your parents for 6 weeks?

YABU - it is CFery of the highest order!

What are your DH's suggestions?

If this was a temporary cash flow problem, I would suggest DH request a short term loan from his parents (only after exhausting any other type of commercial loan first).

If your credit history is too poor/insufficient for you to obtain a loan or credit card and you have zero savings/assets to liquidate - you have no choice but to pull one, if not both DC out of private education. You won't be the first and you certainly won't be the last person to do so. There are far worse things in life than state education - the kids will be OK and will benefit far more with less stressed parents!

Do all the people saying 'well they raised your DH so they must be ok to look after your own kids' live in dream world?

My PIL also raised my husband but here is a small list of some of the things they have done to my daughter

-FIL told me to 'lock her in a room and let her scream and she would eventually stop' when she was just 5-6mth old and wanted to be picked up from her blanket while we were eating lunch.

• FIL lost her at a trade show and didn't even realise for about 10 minutes that she was gone when she was 2 1/2 because he was distracted doing something

• MIL left her standing on an esky on the edge of a high trailer (over 1m high) at the same age as FIL wanted help with something

• MIL left her in the house alone with their medium/large breed dog who bites and has recently had an eye removed due to them not treating an infection in the first place so is really unsure of himself now.

-FIL swung her so high on the flying fox that she cried so he cracked the shits and walked off when she started screaming out 'stop, stop, you're scaring me' rather than just doing it gently.... it was her 4th birthday party. As I stepped in to put a stop to it my MIL said 'sometimes you just need to look the other way'.

-MIL's Mum passed away, her sister said the day that happened she would kill herself. MIL was working at a Steam Rally when she got the news, I went in to take over so she could leave, pop out to the toilet leaving Miss 3 with her, get back to find no DD, Sister who threatened suicide had arrived and to help her 'feel better' MIL had let her take my DD for a walk round the rally.

These are only a small sample.... guess what I married their son and had no idea about their lax safety standards for my kids until we had kids ourselves.

OP I also don't judge you for the situation you are in, no doubt once you get back on your feet the money situation will resolve itself, not everyone can have thousands of dollars in the bank waiting for a rainy day and many people do live week to week for a lot worse choices than education.

I think it's a bit much to say I don't want you to mind the kids, but please help me pay for someone else to do it. However, maybe just ask for a loan that you'll repay once you've been working for a bit.

I don't have an issue with GP not wanting to mind kids. They've raised their own kids and their time is now their own. I'm very much of the mindset that if you have kids you're responsible for them and any assistance you get from family is a bonus but can't be expected.

How can you not get a credit card? As long as you can show an employment contract and not an obscene amount of debt you should be fine (ex bank employee here).

Op, I wonder why you applied for a job, saying you can start immediately, when you know you don't have childcare available, and cannot afford to pay for it. Can you explain?

My eldest dd went to a public school and my youngest ds too and I worked part-time as a teacher but when my marriage broke down I went back to work full time and took my youngest son out of his prep school and put him back into state system. I did this because I wanted to pay our own way and not have to rely on my parents or our in laws to pay fees. Both children have done well for themselves and are both happy in their employment. Your children will survive the state system and perhaps pay a tutor for a couple of hours 1-1 each week that is what I did.

@gareth
Maybe he was equally unhappy when they were living in her country and can't face going back?

Honestly, I hadn’t realized they break up next week and are off for 6 weeks. I had just assumed that it was a short holiday like in the UK and that half of it would be Xmas & New Year.

I’m an idiot for not checking, I know that.

You're not an idiot. You just have a lot on your plate.

I'd ask your PIL for a loan. It sucks, but sometimes it's necessary to do these things. Your FIL might be a dick about it, but it can't be helped.

Hopefully, they will help out and you can get through the holidays ok.

I really hated where we live now for the first year, but we got used to it and we love it now. It's tough, but you'll get there.

Sounds like Australia. Yes, a long way from home, I can understand your difficulties a bit more now.

The suggestion of asking your parents in law for a loan is a good one - they might even say they don't want the money back. If they do want it repaid, agree a reasonable fixed sum every month that you can easily afford so the loan never comes between you.

And the private school concept is different in Australia. All Catholic schools come under the private sector and any other faith schools - a lot of them are called low-fee private schools. And while only 6.5% of kids go to private school in the UK, the figure is 35% in Australia and 41% in secondary (Google says). So, you can't judge the OP's situation in the same way that it might seem outrageous to be doing that in the UK.

You’re not an idiot and I don’t think you’re cheeky either. But I wouldn’t ask for a handout. I’d ask for a loan though. You’ll be paid in a month and can start paying back?

What does your husband say about the way you are feeling / that you’re not sleeping?

"To be honest, we never should have moved here. But DH was insistent. I wake up every night around 3 am and just lie there for hours regretting my decision."

It's not a happy marriage, your husband has forced you to do something that's making you miserable.

You're isolated and lonely, and I don't see the advantage in being near his parents based on their attitude.

What a shame you're not in the UK where your parents could help with childcare and you may well have more school options.

"Still, I’ve made my bed, so now I have to lie in it."

Not necessarily. But you do have to talk to your husband.

OP - I would definitely get DP to ask his parents for a loan to see you over this period. It is not something you could have foreseen, congratulations on your new job

This is still 50% your husbands problem!
Personally I'd pay on credit card and work it out later
Good luck!

I'm guessing the people who are giving you grief for the private school thing don't have kids with additional needs! I can't solve your problem but just wanted to offer some support, I will always remember not being able to give an emergency contact to my kids' school other than DH because I seriously didn't know anyone else here, it's tough.

We had to move to a country where public schools cater for SN so I understand your dilemma, OP. Go ahead and ask your PIL for financial support; worst case scenario is that they refuse.

"I suspect you're in Australia or NZ based on what you have said about the 6 week break up"

It can't be Australia, unless it is some sort of odd independent school as I don't know of any state where the schools break up very early in December, have 6 weeks holidays and resume school in mid-January. It just doesn't happen. The schools commence holidays very close to Christmas, and the earliest that schools resume is after the Australia Day holiday, 26th Jan.

I would imagine NZ holidays follow a similar pattern, without being anchored by Australia Day, obviously.

The Catholic systemic schools, which are the local schools generally attached to parish churches are considered non-government schools and are generally not considered by those that send their children to them as "private schools," nor do they charge big fees - or least not in the circles in which I mixed. Obviously, there are religious based schools,such as the GPS schools, which are considered "private schools" and charge fees accordingly.

- I got the job as I was the only candidate available immediately.

What a compliment?!

And stoppinby- do your PIL live in some kind of circus/ carnival?

Yes, it can't be Australia based on the timeline OP has given.

Yeah maybe his parents will lend you the money

Does your husband have any ideas?

@sorrybaby, no they don't but they have a lot of tractors/trucks etc and attend steam rally's and swap meets on a regular basis.

Haha, sometimes it does feel like it though.

🤣🤣 it was just all the steam/trailer based danger that I couldn't get my head around.
Thanks for clarifying!