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AIBU?

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Original poster

To ask PIL to help pay for childcare?

293 replies

TheMythicalChicken · 22/11/2018 20:30

Just for background, I lost my job a few months ago. Things have been very tight for us since. My DH works but his salary is not enough to support us all. I should say at this point that both DC are at private school. DS has SEN which is catered for at the school and for various reasons we decided to send DD as well. We have prioritized this over the years above home ownership, holidays, etc.

I was offered a job yesterday, a really good one. The problem is childcare. The kids break up next week (we’re overseas) and are off for nearly 6 weeks. We will have to book them into holiday club and we just don’t have the money.

PIL live in the same city as us and would have them over the holidays if we asked. Unfortunately I don’t really trust them to look after the kids. They don’t supervise them at all and both kids have had accidents whilst in their ‘care’. Not only that, but FIL doesn’t like them being there and moans constantly about what a liberty it is.

So the only viable option is asking PIL if they will help pay for childcare. However, they will not be sympathetic as they disagree with private school and make constant references to it in terms of our financial situation.

I am not sure if I would be unreasonable to ask them. What do you think?

Thank you.

OP posts:
ChasedByBees · 22/11/2018 20:58

If your IL think that you cant afford private school and constantly make references to it, there’s no way they are going to pay this.

There’s also no reason for them to pay - they haven’t promised you childcare and then withdrawn it, they’re not their children, it doesn’t sound like they’d be happy to pay so it sounds like a bad idea all round to me.

NoSquirrels · 22/11/2018 21:03

How old are the DC, and when did the last incidents of 'poor' care occur - when they were smaller and less able to fend for themselves, or recently?

Can you not think creatively about the 6-week period?

  1. Ask to delay your start by 2 weeks
  2. Your DH take annual leave for 1-2 weeks
  3. Your PIL to have them for 1-2 weeks
  4. Holiday club to fill in whatever gaps there are in this plan

Or ask your DPs if they could come over for a holiday - is that possible?

Your DH could ask his parents for a loan - not you! But I struggle to see how you'd frame it when it transpired that you were paying for childcare with it - people shouldn't judge what a loan is spent on but they do, and you already know your PIL don't approve of your decisions wrt your DC.

Isleepinahedgefund · 22/11/2018 21:04

The only viable option... OP you're priceless.

Don't forget to let them know that you considered and dismissed every other option, including condemning them as being thoroughly unsuitable to look after the kids, before requiring them to pay - it's the only viable option after all.

Nanny0gg · 22/11/2018 21:04

Just to mention:

The OP isn't in the UK.
We have no idea of the standard of education in the state schools ( or the language spoken)
One DC has SEN so private may be the best or only option.

For that reason I don't see why your DH couldn't ask for a loan.

crockofcrackers · 22/11/2018 21:05

"Hi PIL, you're not good enough to babysit for us but you're good enough to pay for our childcare, because we've blown all our money on private school that we can't afford. Stump up, thanks!"

Ultimate CFery Grin

AnotherEmma · 22/11/2018 21:05

"My parents would dearly love to have them, but we live in DH’s home country and I have no family or friends here."

How much would it cost to pay for your parents' travel costs to come and stay to look after the DCs for a couple of weeks? More or less than the cost of the holiday clubs?

If you can delay the start date for your new job and organise your parents' visit to cover the remaining time before school starts, that could be a good solution. Win-win as your DCs and parents will get bonus time with each other.

Oh and I see the PPs point about not being able to change their school immediately. But you could always research schools and apply for places with a view to moving them at an appropriate time (end of term or year). If you were doing that then perhaps PILs would be more open to lending you some money to help cover your costs in the meantime.

AnotherEmma · 22/11/2018 21:06

YY good point about the DH taking a week or two of annual leave if possible.

HopeIsNotAStrategy · 22/11/2018 21:07

Delay your start by two weeks. Then DH can take two weeks holiday. Sell something or live on baked beans and pay for two weeks childcare.

Sorted.

Then give your head a wobble and resolve that from now on you will always try to resolve your own difficulties rather than just looking for an easy handout.

I speak as someone who has been no stranger to DH losing job, school fees etc over the years. You suck it up, work hard together and sort it out, because that’s what you have to do when you have children. Your parents signed up to be your parents, they didn’t sign up to parent your children as well.

Well done on getting the new job and good luck.

pinkyredrose · 22/11/2018 21:07

Your kids go to private school but you don't own your own home?

EdWinchester · 22/11/2018 21:08

No. Outrageous.

Blanchedupetitpois · 22/11/2018 21:09

you can ask but surely they won’t say yes?

HopeIsNotAStrategy · 22/11/2018 21:09

Cross posted with others, great minds think alike! 😉

Puzzledandpissedoff · 22/11/2018 21:19

we don't trust you to care for them so will you pay someone else to do it for us?

That's exactly the situation isn't it? It's fair enough if you don't trust them to have the DCs, but since you feel that way I can't begin to imagine how you'd phrase the request

I can easily imagine what their reply might be though

KristinaM · 22/11/2018 21:21

Some of you are being unnecessarily rude about the the OPs choice to send her children to a private school. No one here has no idea if this is a wise decision or not because we don’t know what the alternatives would be.

And if they choose to prioritise their children’s education over buying a home or a mortgage - that’s their choice and it seems a pretty unselfish one to me.

If the PIL were lending money to pay for childcare to allow their son to work and pay the mortgage - would that be ok?

But he’s a Cf to ask them to pay for childcare so he can pay for school fees?

Double standards .

However I agree that a delayed start and the Dh taking leave is a good alternative.

KristinaM · 22/11/2018 21:21

Has any idea

explodingkitten · 22/11/2018 21:21

If you're short on money then you need to adjust your budget, it really is that simple. If you have cut everything else out except school then that is next to go.

BeanBagLady · 22/11/2018 21:22

Delay the start by 2 weeks
DH take two weeks leave
Borrow two weeks childcare from PIL or elsewhere.

How old are your children?

I honestly don’t see why your PIL would pay for your childcare any more than they would pay you money when you were out of work. How do you usually pay for childcare if you are working?

HollowTalk · 22/11/2018 21:25

Why on earth are you putting private schooling above buying your own home? And I agree with the others re your cheeky fuckerness in general!

cadburysflake · 22/11/2018 21:25

Lol, you didn't realise you were being a cheeky fucker?! "Hey we know you don't agree with us privately educating our kids, but we can't afford holiday camp and don't trust you to look after them, fancy paying for holiday camp?" 😂😂😂. Not at all cheeky. Good luck with that.

Simple solution, live within your means.

Caprisunorange · 22/11/2018 21:26

You should just leave them with your PILs - it’ll be fine.

ILoveAllRainbows · 22/11/2018 21:30

I would ask them for a loan.

The OP made it clear that her FIL doesn't like looking after the children so I doubt they would do it for 6 weeks.

Bluntness100 · 22/11/2018 21:30

I'm cringing just reading this, I'm embarrassed for you op.

If by a remote chance this is real, how will you explain to them you don't want to have them look after your kids, but could they pay for your childcare.

Get a loan, extend your over draft, be an adult and pay for your own kids.

user139328237 · 22/11/2018 21:32

It's generally unreasonable to ask people to pay your essential bills for whatever reason. This is especially true when you are paying for non-essentials and when the bill could be avoided in the first place.
YABVU and a CF.

LittleMissPonsible · 22/11/2018 21:33

Would the school be flexible about fee payment for a couple of months? That has only occurred to me as I live near several private schools in an area that was affected by the downturn in oil prices, I remember reading that one of the schools said that parents who had been made redundant could speak with them and come to new arrangements for fee payments.

BigChocFrenzy · 22/11/2018 21:34

No, you really can't ask them for money !

With your new job, will you be able to afford childcare for the holidays after this one ?
i.e. do you have a one-off problem, or a continual one of living beyond your means ?

If it's one-off, now that the DC are school age, would they be reasonably safe with the PILs,
even if care is not optimal, e.g. fed on junk & stuck indoors on an iPad all day ?

Combine that with your DH taking all possible annual leave, selling stuff on eBay etc

In some countries, with great rental security, owning your own home is not such a priority
I live in Germany and I enjoy renting, whereas I would buy in the UK

The state system there might not cater well for SEN
So, prioritising education might be sensible in this particular case; we don't know

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