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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask PIL to help pay for childcare?

293 replies

TheMythicalChicken · 22/11/2018 20:30

Just for background, I lost my job a few months ago. Things have been very tight for us since. My DH works but his salary is not enough to support us all. I should say at this point that both DC are at private school. DS has SEN which is catered for at the school and for various reasons we decided to send DD as well. We have prioritized this over the years above home ownership, holidays, etc.

I was offered a job yesterday, a really good one. The problem is childcare. The kids break up next week (we’re overseas) and are off for nearly 6 weeks. We will have to book them into holiday club and we just don’t have the money.

PIL live in the same city as us and would have them over the holidays if we asked. Unfortunately I don’t really trust them to look after the kids. They don’t supervise them at all and both kids have had accidents whilst in their ‘care’. Not only that, but FIL doesn’t like them being there and moans constantly about what a liberty it is.

So the only viable option is asking PIL if they will help pay for childcare. However, they will not be sympathetic as they disagree with private school and make constant references to it in terms of our financial situation.

I am not sure if I would be unreasonable to ask them. What do you think?

Thank you.

OP posts:
Smurf123 · 22/11/2018 21:37

I know my parents would be upset if I lost out on a very good new job because I was worried about asking if I could borrow some money to pay for childcare for a few weeks..
If they can afford to give it they would.. I wouldnt expect it but I do know they would be happy to help where possible. I don't think you are unreasonable to ask but do think you may have to be open to them saying no or them offering to give you the childcare instead...

NotMyFinestMoment · 22/11/2018 21:38

"ArsenalsPlayingAtHome Thu 22-Nov-18 20:35:37
I'm really sorry, but you need to live within your means.

You clearly can't afford to send your DCs to private school, so don't.

Then you won't need to beg your PILs to pay for your children to be looked after in the holidays"

This

"Sexnotgender Thu 22-Nov-18 20:35:44
You would be very unreasonable to ask them to pay for your childcare.

They’re not good enough to look after your children but you’ll take their money.

You’re a cheeky fucker."

and this.

Rachelover40 · 22/11/2018 21:40

Do your children have friends nearby whose parents might be prepared to look after them for some of the time for a small fee? Maybe parents in law do the rest, doing it full time for six weeks is a bit much but they might make the effort for part time.

I hope you can sort something out because you really must take this job. Though the employers may be prepared to defer your start date, worth asking.

Regarding asking your in laws to contribute to the cost of holiday, it's not unusual for grandparents to chip in. Nicer if they offer of course.

Good luck.

PrimalLass · 22/11/2018 21:42

I don't think you are that cheeky, but they likely won't pay. Could you use a credit card?

Yidette86 · 22/11/2018 21:43

I find asking them so bizarre.. Childcare is your responsibility not thiers.

PenelopeFlintstone · 22/11/2018 21:47

Ask for a loan. I'd lend it to my daughter if I had it.

Singlenotsingle · 22/11/2018 21:50

You know they'll say no, OP, so why even humiliate yourself by asking? It sound as though the holidays will last a long time, so it could be expensive!

bubbles108 · 22/11/2018 21:50

*You put your children in private school and now cant afford their childcare, so you want to ask to borrow money to pay for this from PIL because you don't trust them to look after the Children? Why on earth would they lend you the money for your poor financial decisions?

  1. This must be a reverse as no one on earth can think this is ok.

  2. If its not a reverse - pull your children out of private education, you cant afford it. Pay for a nanny/childminder*

This. Perfect answer @puzzledlady

tessieandoz · 22/11/2018 21:51

Just ask but be prepared for a No. I think they should help you out if they can

cheminotte · 22/11/2018 21:55

As someone (in the UK) who has always been anti-private education but is currently considering it for one of my dc due to their SN, I think people are being rather harsh. Not trusting the PIL may also be SN related, my dc does need a lot closer supervision than most children his age and so I would be worried if I felt he wasn’t going to get that.

If you have really exhausted all other options (starting your new job a few weeks later etc) then I think asking for a loan to tide you over is reasonable. It may be better coming from your DP however.

masterandmargarita · 22/11/2018 21:55

Turn down the job and get one when they're older and easier to look after? Considering you don't want pil to look after them! They brought up you dh so I think they probably know how to look after kids. You can't have everything.

shiningstar2 · 22/11/2018 21:55

Could you get a loan ...maybe credit card to pay for child care? If your children are settled at the school and you can afford the fees with your new job I wouldn't move them at the moment. You could pay the child care off gradually that way. Or could you ask your pil to childcare half the time ...thereby cutting the costs of childcare. This would depend on how bad at child care the pil are. I would approach them for a loan rather than a gift of the price of childcare if you are going to ask for financial help.

Maelstrop · 22/11/2018 21:57

I don't get why you think your pil should pay? Did they make you have DC or something?

Thehop · 22/11/2018 21:59

Can you defer starting new job for 4 weeks and pay for 2 weeks childcare with first pay?

KitKat1985 · 22/11/2018 21:59

YABVU to ask your PIL for money for holiday clubs.

Can you not delay the start date of your job?

bullyingadvice2017 · 22/11/2018 21:59

What a pisstake, the kids are you and your dh responsibility. Childcare and money and all else that comes with them too!
Stop living beyond your means

Original poster
TheMythicalChicken · 22/11/2018 22:01

OK, OK, you are all right - I am a CF 😁.

Just to clarify some things:

  • DH is still on probation so can’t take leave.
  • I got the job as I was the only candidate available immediately.
  • My parents are not in a position to come here as they don’t even have passports and flights would be expensive.
  • The local school has no provision available for DS. There is a school further afield that has some provision, however they do not take out of area applications and have a long waiting list. So we’d have to move and then wait.
  • Although MIL would have them, it’s upsetting to the DC that the FIL is so vocal about not wanting them there. And I am not exaggerating when I say both DC are literally scarred for life from accidents whilst in PIL care.

To be honest, we never should have moved here. But DH was insistent. I wake up every night around 3 am and just lie there for hours regretting my decision.

Still, I’ve made my bed, so now I have to lie in it.

Thanks for your honesty. And some of the replies were hilarious, so thanks for cheering me up 😁.

OP posts:
Placebogirl · 22/11/2018 22:01

I suspect you're in Australia or NZ based on what you have said about the 6 week break up, which if so a delayed start won't helpthere is about a month until the breakup happens. This also means that you could change your children's school over the break, especially in Australia where the local school are obliged to take your children. I also suspect that the accidents of which you speak are somewhat down to cultural differencesI know what is acceptable in Australia and New Zealand in terms of childhood scrapes appears to be completely different than what is acceptable in the UK. Either way you are unlikely to get financial support from your PILs and I agree that it is massively cheeky to ask.

CloserIAm2Fine · 22/11/2018 22:02

YABVU

You clearly can’t afford private school.

You can’t expect PIL to pay for childcare for children that you and DH chose to have when you and DH have chosen to live beyond your means in order to pay for private school.

How would you even word it?! “I don’t trust you to look after DC but will you pay for someone else to?” Seriously!?

Unicornandbows · 22/11/2018 22:05

You do the world of cheeky f proud!!

Original poster
TheMythicalChicken · 22/11/2018 22:08

Thanks Unicorn Grin

OP posts:
Rachelover40 · 22/11/2018 22:09

Why is your father in law so vocal about having his grandchildren round for a while, to help out? It's rude and unkind to the children. Could your husband or mother in law have a word with him?

I think you were right to put your child in a private school that caters for his special educational needs and of course you want to to do the same for the other one. I have no problem with that. You didn't know at the time that you would lose your job - which is all the more reason you must take up the current job offer.

Would your mother in law come to your house to look after the kids, without her husband, for this period? Maybe he could come round sometimes to join her which would be less stressful for him.

PrimalLass · 22/11/2018 22:14

YABVU. You clearly can’t afford private school.

Did you read the OP? She's just got a very good new job but is temporarily skint because she won't get paid for a while.

Original poster
TheMythicalChicken · 22/11/2018 22:24

FIL is very begrudging. We left a small item at their house once and he made the MIL hound me with phone calls to go and pick it up. It was the size of a box of tea bags and they’ve got a big house. But apparently it was “littering up the place.”

When MIL was picking the kids up from school, he kept disappearing with the car so she’d have to take public transport which is not easy here and she was very late a few times.

Also MIL works part-time, so he would be stuck with them.

OP posts:
Monday55 · 22/11/2018 22:25

Your parents don't have to babysit, but have you asked them for cash ?

I personally wouldn't ask for money to get a babysitter as you don't like them. I would suck it up and let the grandparents babysit, you married their son so their parenting can't be that bad.