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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

aibu to want Christmas in my own home?

155 replies

pinklemonade84 · 22/11/2018 17:44

Last year was the first Christmas without my mum and we ended up having a miserable day at the in laws’ house. Where they took over dd, went ridiculously out on large plastic toys that they know we don’t have room for, made comments about me having a drink for a change, amongst other stuff.

At the time I spoke to dh and said that I wanted to start some of our own family traditions, he was in full agreement. But, now the time has come, it obviously hasn’t materialised.

I spoke to mil the other day and said I would pay for some bits for Christmas Dinner (think a different type of potatoes, some nice stuff and a couple of other bits), but because she doesn’t like them she refuses to cook them. And she doesn’t want my contribution to food in the evening because I like different stuff to them.

I said to dh in the kitchen today, reminded him of what we’d spoken about last year and he said it was too late to change our plans this year. I said that I was fed up of dry meat, over cooked veg and being made to feel bad because I don’t like certain stuff, and said that next year I’d love it if we could eat here and then go over to the in laws. But dh has completely missed the point and said he will cook there next year. Which means dd not being able to open presents in her own home and us not having any time alone with her.

It feels like I’m booked into spending every Christmas with his parents, no thought into what I want or the fact that dd soon won’t want to be dragged away from her parents. Mil never spent Christmas Day with her in laws, so why on earth am I expected to spend all of mine with her?

OP posts:
divadee · 22/11/2018 17:50

I would put my foot down and say me and child are staying home. You can go to your family. I had to do this a few years ago. He didn't go, his family came here but I was happier and so was he. His mum grumbled a while as this was the first Christmas she had ever had away from her house. Tough!

KingPrawnBalls · 22/11/2018 17:52

Yanbu. Why is it too late to change plans? 6 weeks away, plenty of time. Just say you're not going!

SnuggyBuggy · 22/11/2018 17:53

Sometimes you need to have that putting foot down year.

Returnofthesmileybar · 22/11/2018 17:53

Yanbu. I don't understand how it's too late to change, it's still November!! If you do go this year o would announce are the tanle it's your last year "Dh and I will do the washing up this year, you won't have us here next year to do it so feel you are relax for you mil"

Returnofthesmileybar · 22/11/2018 17:53

*feet up

Haggisfish · 22/11/2018 17:54

Or go this time but make it clear that next year you will be making your new family traditions at your own home.

Andro · 22/11/2018 17:54

You have a DH problem, either he's not hearing you or he doesn't want to hear you. The two of you need a proper conversation about this, otherwise, resentment is going to drive a wedge in your marriage.

pinklemonade84 · 22/11/2018 17:54

I haven’t got any other family that I can go to really

I don’t mind going over there for a bit so that they can spend some time with dd and so she can open her presents there. But I don’t want the full day there. I don’t want dd to barely have any time with her toys. She’s getting older now and it’s not fair on her

OP posts:
MustBeDueSomeBetterFeet · 22/11/2018 17:55

Did she actually invite you, and you accepted? Or was it just assumed that you'd go there?

Never get into ANY routine around Christmas is my motto. That way can only lead madness!

sackrifice · 22/11/2018 17:55

You have got to do it one year or else it will be too late.

Make it this year. Put your foot down.

BishBoshBashBop · 22/11/2018 17:55

Yanbu. Why is it too late to change plans? 6 weeks away, plenty of time. Just say you're not going!

Errr no its not 6 weeks it is just over 4.5 weeks away and tbf people could have already bought meat etc.

Fridaydreamer · 22/11/2018 17:57

Too late to change plans with weeks still to go? Rubbish!

Tell him that you and DD will stay home and that you’ll visit his family later. Let him choose what he wants to do.

Honestly so many people have rubbish Christmases because they won’t put their foot down. Grow a back bone for your DD, start your own traditions and let her see a happy mum on Christmas Day.

bridgetreilly · 22/11/2018 17:59

I don’t want dd to barely have any time with her toys. She’s getting older now and it’s not fair on her

I genuinely don't understand this. Even if you have Christmas at your own house, surely the point of the day is to spend time doing things together. The toys are mostly for her to enjoy the rest of the year.

Needsmorebeans · 22/11/2018 17:59

As others say, you have a DH problem. It feels very natural for him be at his parents and isn't thinking about the effect it is having on you. Tell him you are happy to go Boxing Day but that Christmas Day shoukd be focussed on your DD

pinklemonade84 · 22/11/2018 18:01

That’s just it, she’s already got her turkey and beef reserved. She’s not done the other food shop, but I don’t think it’s fair on her to have paid for the meat and then for us to say that we won’t be there for dinner.

It was just assumed that we would be there because dh conveniently never got round to actually having the talk with her about it

OP posts:
greenlynx · 22/11/2018 18:02

It’s not too late at all!!! Most people haven’t sorted their plans yet! Tesco even hasn’t started taking Xmas food orders.
It’s time to plan your own family Xmas dinner and start new traditions.
How far do your PILs live? You could easily pop in for tea/ drink later afternoon if it’s 30 minutes walk. Great chance to exercise after all these Xmas food.

BentNeckLady · 22/11/2018 18:02

Just say you’ve changed your mind and are staying at home.

I love my mil dearly but I can’t stand Christmas Day at hers as it feels like like every other day and my BIL behaves like an oaf.

BishBoshBashBop · 22/11/2018 18:02

Have you ever offered to host OP?

You seem hyper critical rude of the way they do things so maybe that is the answer?

I think it is to late for this year, but say tgat next year you will do it diferently and make sure it is stuck to.

Aquamarine1029 · 22/11/2018 18:03

I don't think you're being clear enough with your husband. Tell him NO, you are not going over there all day. You want to spend most of your day at home. Don't let him dictate everything.

Yvbmioasp · 22/11/2018 18:04

Be strong OP. You are not being unreasonable, stick to your guns. Even this year it's not too late to have the Christmas you want. Flowers

pinklemonade84 · 22/11/2018 18:04

@bridgetreilly so you think it’s fair to drag a young child away from her new toys?

As I’ve said before, I wouldn’t even mind just skipping the dinner there and going over later in the day to spend time with them

Mil never went to her in laws at Christmas when dh and bil were children. Why should I be expected to drag my dd out for the full day and any other children we might have, just to keep mil happy?

OP posts:
Ragwort · 22/11/2018 18:06

What didn’t you invite PILs to join you, surely that would have been a better way round the situation?

pinklemonade84 · 22/11/2018 18:07

@BishBoshBashBop I don’t think that’s fair. I’m not being rude about their Christmas at all other than commenting about the dry meat and over cooked veg (which I would never say in front of mil). I’ve offered to buy things that others would enjoy, but because mil doesn’t like them then that’s it as far as she’s concerned

OP posts:
SnuggyBuggy · 22/11/2018 18:07

I would try inviting them next year, it might not work but at least you will have tried.

SillySallySingsSongs · 22/11/2018 18:08

I’ve offered to buy things that others would enjoy, but because mil doesn’t like them then that’s it as far as she’s concerned

Have you ever offered to host?