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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

aibu to want Christmas in my own home?

155 replies

pinklemonade84 · 22/11/2018 17:44

Last year was the first Christmas without my mum and we ended up having a miserable day at the in laws’ house. Where they took over dd, went ridiculously out on large plastic toys that they know we don’t have room for, made comments about me having a drink for a change, amongst other stuff.

At the time I spoke to dh and said that I wanted to start some of our own family traditions, he was in full agreement. But, now the time has come, it obviously hasn’t materialised.

I spoke to mil the other day and said I would pay for some bits for Christmas Dinner (think a different type of potatoes, some nice stuff and a couple of other bits), but because she doesn’t like them she refuses to cook them. And she doesn’t want my contribution to food in the evening because I like different stuff to them.

I said to dh in the kitchen today, reminded him of what we’d spoken about last year and he said it was too late to change our plans this year. I said that I was fed up of dry meat, over cooked veg and being made to feel bad because I don’t like certain stuff, and said that next year I’d love it if we could eat here and then go over to the in laws. But dh has completely missed the point and said he will cook there next year. Which means dd not being able to open presents in her own home and us not having any time alone with her.

It feels like I’m booked into spending every Christmas with his parents, no thought into what I want or the fact that dd soon won’t want to be dragged away from her parents. Mil never spent Christmas Day with her in laws, so why on earth am I expected to spend all of mine with her?

OP posts:
NameChangeToAvoidBeingFound · 22/11/2018 18:50

Honestly don't go, explain to your DH that you want christmas to be about your daughter and start your own family tradition that your in-laws are more than welcome to join but that you and your daughter are having christmas in your own home and your happy to host dinner there and they are all welcome to join if they want. Offer to buy the meat off your MIL but remind your husband that this situation only came about because he didn't have the spine to tell his mother beforehand and now it's his responsibility to fix it and that he didn't have to go to DGP's on Christmas day and neither do you or your child.

The longer you leave it the more difficult it will be.

Andro · 22/11/2018 18:51

She just copies the way that her mother used to cook. Stick things in the oven or on the hob and forget about them

That doesn't sound appetising!

Nithead · 22/11/2018 18:53

I honestly don’t think it will be any different, all the moaning on here won’t change dh’s inability to change the plans with his mum

Confused

It's November. He might feel he still has to go but you do NOT have to. Fuck that, it's your Christmas as well and life is too short to have a shitty Christmas Day.

He didn't "get round to telling her" because he didn't want to do make sure you tell her now you and DD won't be there / will pop over for pudding

2littleguineas · 22/11/2018 18:57

Your dh is allowing his mother to control and decide and in turn you're allowing dh to control and decide.
You can say no, but you're finding excuses and using good manners not to.
You're (rightly) annoyed with dh for not been firm with his mother yet you aren't been firm with him.
Tell him you've decided to compromise this year and will go for dinner but not spend the full day and that he tells his mum you both are bringing cooked extras because it's Christmas food you would like to enjoy on Christmas day.
Explain that next year will be different and to please not over look his wife and child in order to keep his parents happy.

YouBetterWORK · 22/11/2018 18:58

Exactly, don't feel you have to go just because the meat has been reserved. They can just dine out on turkey sandwiches/turkey curry/turkey surprise for a while!

OrdinarySnowflake · 22/11/2018 19:00

There seem to be so many threads today where people are unhappy with current arrangements, and just hope everyone else changes, without being prepared to make changes themselves.

Op - step 1, call MIL and say you'd like dd to have Christmas in her own home as dh did as a child, would she be prepared to come to you instead? You think it's only fair she gets a year off cooking and you'll do it all. (Make sure you do make mash as that's their tradition). Or would she rather come over after lunch in her own home and you'll do a buffet and party afternoon/evening? Give her the options to chose from.

Table is easily fixed, there's cheap fold down ones available.

Present to dh as sorted for him.

(You could always offer to pay for the turkey MIL has ordered if she can't cancel).

OrdinarySnowflake · 22/11/2018 19:03

Oh and as she's not actually asked you yet, just assumed, you can easily call her and invite her over "as nothings been sorted yet".

She can come to you for the whole day, for the afternoon /evening after lunch in her own home, or you can have lunch at home and go to hers afterwards.

Give her those options, stress her coming to you is your preferred. ("Time you had a year off the work!")

Go on, call her this evening and you sort it. No-one else will for you as they don't think it needs sorting.

HeebieJeebies456 · 23/11/2018 01:05

Stand up for yourself and your child woman!
Honestly, it's really not that difficult!

Take over food you want to eat, call them out on any put downs ands criticisms - and tell them next year christmas will be on YOUR TERMS in your own house.
Are you an equal partner in this relationship or not?
Stop being so passive!

Weathermonger · 23/11/2018 02:08

I feel for you. It was always assumed we'd go to our inlaws dragging the kids with us. Their house wasn't baby proofed and I spent the day jumping up and down stopping the kids from touching all the breakable glass baubles. Once 3rd child was born I put my foot down, and we started hosting instead. It was a lot of hard graft - and grumbling from MIL - but made we made it work, and now 14 years on its enjoyable for everyone. It won't be easy, but stick to your guns, it will be worth it in the long run.

TakeMe2Insanity · 23/11/2018 06:39

I know she has booked her meat but I really think it’s not too late to say that you are hosting. You have to do it. Say it’s not right that she is cooking and she should have a chance to rest if you have to. There is still time to put your foot down. If you don’t next year will be the same as your dh is not getting it.

Returnofthesmileybar · 23/11/2018 06:55

To be honest I still don't think it's too late but you seem to think it is so as that's the case I would change up the day, they are 5 minutes away so just leave a half an hour before dinner. Take your cooked stuffing & potatoes and go home for party food you enjoy later. It's a good compromise and you get the dinner there and morning nand evening at home. Nobody can moan about and if they do say "Actually we were supposed to stay home this Christmas but dh never said so this is a happy medium for us, next year we'll be home and just visit in the morning"

Alfie190 · 23/11/2018 07:34

I think it is really really rude of you to be wanting to bring food for the main meal over, you might as well just tell her that her food is awful. When I have gone to a relatives for a Christmas break (of a few days), I bring wine, champagne, cheese, biscuits, chocolates etc. I don't tell them what they should be cooking.

Anyway, your DH needs to learn to put you ahead of his mother. Just tell him you are not going. They can change their meat order, although I doubt it has been placed this early anyway.

MrsStrowman · 23/11/2018 07:35

@pinklemonade84 if you don't want to go I think that's perfectly fair, but you are exaggerating with the whole 'dragging a poor child away from her toys' we used to go to my grandparents every Christmas Day obviously with DPs, from around lunch time and stay over! My DB and I loved it, loads of people, different toys to at home, cousins to play with, if the women had done the cooking (mainly gran) the men would do all the clearing and washing up, or everyone would muck in with both, an adult game of trivial pursuits after dinner while we all played sardines etc. Was genuinely gutted as we got into late teens and early adulthood and people started drifting to do things separately. So don't project your own feelings on to DD.

SillySallySingsSongs · 23/11/2018 07:52

although I doubt it has been placed this early anyway.

Errr why?

We have done ours.

SauvingnonBlanketyBlanc · 23/11/2018 07:58

Could you have your own special Christmas day on Christmas eve or boxing day?.We go to my parents every year but this year to compromise and make it special for dh we are having 'our Christmas day' on Boxing day.Im looking forward to it being just us and ds,I'm cooking their favourite things so everyone gets the day they want.

dontalltalkatonce · 23/11/2018 08:01

Invite them over. She'll say no. So tell your DH he goes on his own.

mrsm43s · 23/11/2018 08:01

I host Christmas, and I'd be pretty upset if someone was so critical of my cooking, and insisted on bringing their own main meal ingredients. That's pretty rude.

A 2 bed house doesn't preclude you from hosting. Go along with the plans this year, but make it very clear that next year you will be hosting them. When you host, you can do dinner your way.

7yo7yo · 23/11/2018 08:07

I wouldn’t host!
Your setting a precedence that you will
Always spend Christmas with them!
Your DH isn’t going to do anything about it do if I were you I would.
Why are you there all day?
Go just in time for lunch and clean up after or go early, help prepare then leave early.
And if she moans ask how many Christmas’s she spent with her in laws.

pinklemonade84 · 23/11/2018 08:08

with regards to fetching food for myself, bil’s ex used to be even worse and would replace items with the stuff that SHE wanted. At least the items that I’m taking will be enjoyed by everyone apart from mil. If she doesn’t like it, she doesn’t cook it. It’s everyone else’s Christmas too!

OP posts:
pinklemonade84 · 23/11/2018 08:10

@MrsStrowman that’s how your Christmas used to be. Mine was the same as dh’s. We would spend the day at home, playing with our new toys. Like I have pointed out, mil was never expected to leave her house on Christmas Day when dh and bil were younger. So why am I suddenly expected to?

OP posts:
Snowwontbelong · 23/11/2018 08:12

Get the other guests on board for 'donating' an addition to the meal.
Never ate at mil's after watching her make gravy.
Gravy salt mixed with hot tap water then poured over veg (after an hour in a pressure cooker) ...
Suggest to dh he eats at hers and you +dd are staying at home.

MrsStrowman · 23/11/2018 08:20

@pinklemonade84 you're not expected to do it that way, and I did say if you don't want to go that's completely fair and your choice, but you also can't say DC will have a terrible time because she's away from toys, toys she will have in the morning and every other day following Christmas. Christmas is about people not presents. It's an excuse because you don't want to go and don't enjoy it. Own it, you don't want to go and you would rather stay at home with your daughter. Don't make out that it is because she'd be deprived in some way

SillySallySingsSongs · 23/11/2018 08:23

Like I have pointed out, mil was never expected to leave her house on Christmas Day when dh and bil were younger. So why am I suddenly expected to?

Maybe other family were invited but declined.

You have said you can't won't host. You are going a few miles down the road, not to theother end of the country.

SillySallySingsSongs · 23/11/2018 08:24

It's an excuse because you don't want to go and don't enjoy it. Own it, you don't want to go and you would rather stay at home with your daughter. Don't make out that it is because she'd be deprived in some way

^ this

ChasedByBees · 23/11/2018 08:28

If she won’t let you add anything to the dinner that you might like, I would refuse to go, even if she has reserved the meat.

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