aibu to want Christmas in my own home?

[pinklemonade84]

Last year was the first Christmas without my mum and we ended up having a miserable day at the in laws’ house. Where they took over dd, went ridiculously out on large plastic toys that they know we don’t have room for, made comments about me having a drink for a change, amongst other stuff.

At the time I spoke to dh and said that I wanted to start some of our own family traditions, he was in full agreement. But, now the time has come, it obviously hasn’t materialised.

I spoke to mil the other day and said I would pay for some bits for Christmas Dinner (think a different type of potatoes, some nice stuff and a couple of other bits), but because she doesn’t like them she refuses to cook them. And she doesn’t want my contribution to food in the evening because I like different stuff to them.

I said to dh in the kitchen today, reminded him of what we’d spoken about last year and he said it was too late to change our plans this year. I said that I was fed up of dry meat, over cooked veg and being made to feel bad because I don’t like certain stuff, and said that next year I’d love it if we could eat here and then go over to the in laws. But dh has completely missed the point and said he will cook there next year. Which means dd not being able to open presents in her own home and us not having any time alone with her.

It feels like I’m booked into spending every Christmas with his parents, no thought into what I want or the fact that dd soon won’t want to be dragged away from her parents. Mil never spent Christmas Day with her in laws, so why on earth am I expected to spend all of mine with her?

If she's only "reserved" some meat, then she could "un-reserve"'it, surely?

Why do some people get so ridiculously over-planned for one meal? Nip down to Sainsburys a few days before Christmas and buy the lot, job done.

We don’t really have the space to host as we’re in a small 2 bedroom house at the moment. But I am tempted to see how feasible it is to get a fold away table in the corner of the room to make hosting next year a possibility

Of course it isn't too late. Just say you'll join them after dinner for a couple of hours.

We have Christmas in our own home every year now. We visited PIL before we had DC but stopped years ago. I want my DC to open their gifts in their own home at their own pace and then for the 5 of us to eat all the nice foods we actually like. I want us to watch a family movie together while eating tins of chocolates. I want to get pissed on sherry and Baileys and shag my DH (after DC are in bed). I don't want to bundle them in the car to sit in a cold living room with no TV listening to stories about Jane next door and her bad hip. I don't want anyone moaning at my kids to eat dry turkey and brussell sprouts. I don't want the chocolate police. I don't want the DC falling asleep in the car on the way home because they'll then be up too late for DH and I to have our sherry shag.

Personally I really dislike the attitude that ‘children should be with their new toys at Christmas’, surely Christmas is so much more than presents? Maybe I was lucky in that my own DS was never too concerned about his presents, he enjoyed seeing family and having fun playing board games, a nice meal etc.

But I do agree with a PP, never get into a ‘routine’ at Christmas, do different things each year.

Absolutely not too late. Tell DH you won't go for dinner that you just want it at home. You can compromise by popping in for cocktails or having them for coffee and mince pies.

If she's only "reserved" some meat, then she could "un-reserve"'it, surely?

Usually it involves a deposit.

YANBU. I put my foot down two years ago. He (DH - or as he was then DP) lived in Beds, me in Kent, his family in Wales, mine in NW England. First Christmas together was spent thus: driving Beds-Lincs to see some of his friends, driving Lincs-Lancs to stay in hotel near my family (this on 23rd), 27th driving Lancs-S Wales to stay in hotel near his family, 30th driving back to mine in Kent. Prior to that I had spent every Christmas battling to get leave as my parents (dad, mostly TBH) expected me to travel back by train and spend the Christmas period with them. It’s a pain - had to work around trains etc. They’d always buy me loads of stuff, I’d asked them not to as it was a pain for me to try and transport back and I was always in shared housing so didn’t have loads of room. In 2016, I said anyone who wanted could come to us but I wasn’t leaving our house (lived together by then). We still ended up doing loads of driving but had Christmas and Boxing Day just for us.

If they aren't too far away then surely you get up and do presents in your house, go to your in laws and eat Christmas lunch/dinner with them, then come home and have the food you like with your feet up later on?

They’re not far away at all (barely a 5 minute drive), but once we’re there, we’re there until about half an hour or so before dd’s bedtime

I don’t want to cut them out of Christmas full stop. Dd is their only grandchild and I do understand that they want to see her

What I don’t want is snarky comments if I decide to have a drink. Being made to feel awful for wanting to contribute some bits that everyone else apart from mil will enjoy. She refuses to buy certain things in for fil because she doesn’t like them.

In our house and theirs when dh was a child, Christmas was about the children and them being able to enjoy time with their toys. And I like that way of things. I just don’t get why now that she’s the mil things have to change to suit her

The thing is, you spoke about having Christmas in your own home last year after you had a miserable first Christmas without your mum and it's not happening. If meat and turkey has been reserved - then you MIL and DH have sorted this out without consulting you. Your DH should have said something earlier and your MIL shouldn't have just assumed. What makes you think next year will be any different.

It's NOT too late for this year, she has reserved meat, she can ring them ask for a smaller one, seriously how much do two adults (one of which doesn't like it) and small child eat?

Do not be held hostage by a slab of dead flesh. Stand up for yourself. It sounds as if you had a miserable time last year.

First of all OP, sorry about your Mum. That first Christmas without your Mother is awful.

Not too late at all to tell ILs all change this year and you want to have a quiet Christmas just you, your DP and DC. Can you go to them Boxing Day instead? Your right to have a drink and a sherry shag top theirs of dried up food and criticising other peoples alcohol consumption.

the sad thing @KC225 I honestly don’t think it will be any different, all the moaning on here won’t change dh’s inability to change the plans with his mum

I don’t even get what the objection is to us taking some bits over there? I’m not even asking for anything exotic like gold dusted truffles, just some pigs in blankets, potato dauphinois and stuffing, oh and contributing some party food for the evening that dd would like

I don't think the stuff about DD and her toys is very compelling or even you needing to spend time just with DD - presumably that happens a lot over the xmas holidays. The dry meat etc is just part of xmas with family - lots of xmassy things that are meant to be fun just aren't. Turkey isn't that nice whatever you do with it - evidenced by the fact that we don't have it as a treat on other occasions. For this year I'd suck it up to some extent but be a bit tougher - ride out/call them on the snarky comments (a classic MN 'did you mean to be so rude?' should do) and if you want certain food just for you, then take it and make it. That's what I do, while my in-laws try to force their over-cooked nasty array of root veg on me. Have a G&T and have as much fun as you possibly can and hopefully by the end of it they'll be relieved not to have you there next year - when you should offer to host and they ideally will decline and leave you in peace. And if not you put your foot down in plenty of time!

Lols at ‘sherry shag’

Maybe suck it up this year but go over there as close to meal time as possible, have a bit of time to open pressies etc but then leave before it gets too late. And then make sure DH has words with MIL re next year ASAP.

Also take the food you like and just insist it goes in the oven. She sounds like a terrible host

for you about your mum. Extra hard at this time of year x

@pinklemonade84 maybe it is to much extra for her to cook?

Does anyone help her in the kitchen?

re. your update - the dauphinoise is a bit OTT, surely you can cope with roasties, but fair enough to bung some pigs in blankets in the oven and have evening snacks that you like. I'd work on the principle that if it's extras to what they're making then that's fine, but if it's replacements (like the potatoes) then that's a bit much.

OP and sherry shags, sorry got my posters mixed up. Sill a good idea for you and DH though.

I think if she's ordered the turkey and so on it is late to change but I think you are being silly regarding evening food . . Walk home and have a drink and your tasty bits.

Go an hour before dinner. I had to put the foot down and it was hard. Mil cooks the dinner early Christmas day no crackers boiled potatoes etc

I respect them etc but it isn't how i want to spend the day at all. My parents are stressy unorganised types and we end up spending all day washing pots (or so it feels)

This year we are asked both to come to us but we are not leaving home.

I always get stuck in and help her in the kitchen, whether it’s a Sunday dinner or like last Christmas. I don’t leave her to fend for herself

The potato dauphinois is because I really don’t like mash, it makes me gag, it slots in the bottom of the oven, there’s no prep to it for her to do. The stuffing etc I could easily cook at home and take over in a foil covered tray, which is probably what I will do, as I know bil and fil will like them too.

Yanbu to want to spend time at your own house. You don’t have to go over until lunchtime if they are expecting you then, so have a morning takings things easy in your house.

As you only live 5 minutes away, you can cook dauphinois and pigs in blankets at your own house and take them over just before lunch, trying to fit extra things in a regular oven can be a PITA. And take along whatever drink you want!

Very sorry about your mum. This year I’d go to MIL but take ALL the extras you planned with you anyway. And don’t get them out unless everyone is also about so that way she can’t pretend she forgot about them. Take control of that aspect (which means you get something nice out of the day and hopefully your DH and FIL too) and then next year stay at home. You are an adult. Plan to do it your way from now on.

Could you spend Christmas at yours and go to MIL for Boxing Day? Presumably the meat she's ordered will still be good to cook a day later than planned.

just some pigs in blankets, potato dauphinois and stuffing,

A lack of pigs in blankets or stuffing with Christmas would probably be grounds for divorce in this house! Unless your Mil/Fil are allergic to any of these things, I fail to see your Mil's issue with you taking them.

That should be christmas dinner.

@Andro she has no allergies, so no real reason other than the fact that she doesn’t like them

She just copies the way that her mother used to cook. Stick things in the oven or on the hob and forget about them