aibu to want Christmas in my own home?

[pinklemonade84]

Last year was the first Christmas without my mum and we ended up having a miserable day at the in laws’ house. Where they took over dd, went ridiculously out on large plastic toys that they know we don’t have room for, made comments about me having a drink for a change, amongst other stuff.

At the time I spoke to dh and said that I wanted to start some of our own family traditions, he was in full agreement. But, now the time has come, it obviously hasn’t materialised.

I spoke to mil the other day and said I would pay for some bits for Christmas Dinner (think a different type of potatoes, some nice stuff and a couple of other bits), but because she doesn’t like them she refuses to cook them. And she doesn’t want my contribution to food in the evening because I like different stuff to them.

I said to dh in the kitchen today, reminded him of what we’d spoken about last year and he said it was too late to change our plans this year. I said that I was fed up of dry meat, over cooked veg and being made to feel bad because I don’t like certain stuff, and said that next year I’d love it if we could eat here and then go over to the in laws. But dh has completely missed the point and said he will cook there next year. Which means dd not being able to open presents in her own home and us not having any time alone with her.

It feels like I’m booked into spending every Christmas with his parents, no thought into what I want or the fact that dd soon won’t want to be dragged away from her parents. Mil never spent Christmas Day with her in laws, so why on earth am I expected to spend all of mine with her?

You have been quite nasty about your MIL. Own it.

And the mil has been nasty to OP, mocking her for drinking wine at Christmas and not cooking the food she likes. Surely if you're hosting Christmas dinner you cook some of the food others like, even if you don't like it yourself? I know my late mil would have got something in especially for me, even if no one else liked it.
Op, have the morning at home with your dd enjoying her toys then go there for dinner making sure you take your pigs in blankets/stuffing, then come home after. Your dh cant moan about that, surely?

@Tatgalore it was just more of a rant, to get things out of my system so I don’t blow up at dh over this

Your husband sounds horrible op. It seems like there's more to this. He can't insist you spend your Christmas anywhere you don't want to, and force your daughter against your will with no discussion or compromise. You make it sound like you have no choice as he will physically take your daughter, if that is correct then you have a much bigger problem than Christmas.

Fair enough, and you're entitled to have a rant if you want to.

I do think that this problem isn't going to go away and will just breed resentment.

You live 5 minutes away, why would going to your PILs involve your DD bring away from all her toys all day and "dragged away stupidly early for a meal? " what's wrong with spending the morning in your own house and then going to your PILs?

Bloodyhellimtired totally agree, this runs deeper than pigs in blankets.

So in the end, what are you going to do??

Not next year, this year.

It does sound pretty miserable. I bet your mil has a mouth like a cat's arsehole.

I am on the side of bringing the food you like. It's not rude, it's just extras. And bring a truck ton of wine and enjoy getting pissed.

Also bring a good book, it doesn't sound like the conversation is up to much.

Christmas is more than just one day, do things your way another day. Of we're going to someone else's on Christmas day, we have our meal , the way we like it, another day. And spend it playing with toys, watching crap etc. Make it a period of time, not a day.

@livefornaps we’re going to have the morning at home and then go for dinner and take the bits that we’d planned in a foil tray to keep them as warm as possible. Dh is going to offer to cook one of the meats here for mil too, whether it’s the beef or the turkey. I don’t know if she’ll go for it with the meat, but we can at least offer

Well - that does sound good then.

Is there any sort of festive atmosphere at all or is it just dry?

Maybe bring a board game, too?

Good compromise OP

I bet your mil has a mouth like a cat's arsehole.

@livefornaps there isn’t really much of a festive atmosphere other than them monopolising dd. The tv plays in the background, generally a film that mil has chosen, and she’ll fill her glass time and time again and if dh jokes with her about how much she’s drinking she gets stroppy.

It’s a total polar opposite to the Christmas we would have with my mum. She would make sure everyone had something in the meal that they really wanted. She even invited one of my brother’s friends one year so that he wouldn’t be on his own and she bought him some presents so that he wouldn’t feel left out. She used to go to so much effort to make sure that everyone would have a good time and I really miss that

Missing your DM and her way of doing things is completely understandable Expecting your MIL to change into her is not.

How do you mean, she monopolises Dd?

So she drinks loads and then has a go at you for drinking??

I'm so sorry about your mum, she sounds great.

No YANBU our DD is six now and we have Christmas at home now. Like you said they want to play with their toys and not be dragged away. My parents came last year and DH’s are coming this year. We tend to have DH parents more often as he’s a only child but I’m one of five so my parents take it in turns with us. Our DD is DH’s parents only grandchild my mum and dad have got 11.

I must admit I get annoyed that we spend far more Christmas’s with the in-laws but it’s just how it works out. It’s about Dd anyway.

Just to echo what others have said, put your foot down now, it won't be popular but it'll mean you get the Christmas you want and don't have to dance to anyone else's tune. Just make sure you tell them now so they have time to get used to the idea.

When I had my first child, my mil expected us to have Christmas with them every year, I think she imagined this whole scenario inviting the extended family and them being centre of attention with their new grandchild. When we turned down the invite she wailed and cried and declared we'd ruined Christmas. They (all 15 relatives) ended up coming to our house on Xmas morning, I didn't want them here but I said ok to keep the peace. They arrived bang on dd's nap time as a crowd, the in laws wanted to hold and play with our dd to show her off but our dd was tired and clingy. I had to tell my fil to let go of her when he kept trying to drag her off my legs she was clinging to! It was all very baaaad and the fallout from it actually ruined our Christmas Day.

Two Christmases on though they assume we are going to spend Christmas in our own home as a family and won't try to visit in a huge group. I had to cause a big fallout (we didn't speak for months over it believe it or not) but I have a wonderful Christmas at home now and our children can just relax and play with their toys at home all day.

@livefornaps it’s hard to describe. They play with her a lot, which is obviously absolutely fine and lovely to see. It’s more that when I try to play with dd or she comes to me, that they will deliberately try to divert her attention so that she’s that distracted that she doesn’t want to play with me or sit with me

And yep, she drinks a lot at Christmas, but then last year was making all these digs about me having a few drinks, even though the year before I was breastfeeding and the year before that I was pregnant, so didn’t want to drink

I don't want to spend Christmas with my in laws, and mine aren't even that bad.

I just find it utterly boring, I don't really like their food, they have their old music blasting all day giving me a headache, fil falls asleep straight after dinner, everyone sits around on their phones, I'd rather just suit myself and spend Christmas Day in my own home, my children agree.

My children won't be small forever and while they are I'm going to enjoy Christmas at home doing it our way.

Well, it sounds like you didn't speak up early enough this year to get out of it, but make it clear to your DH and your MIL that next year you'll be having Christmas dinner at yours. If they're only 5 mins away you can go round for tea and Christmas cake later on, but I don't blame you for a) wanting to be in your own home with your DD, b) have the foods you want and cooked the way you like them and c) not have to sit with your miserly MIL while she gets pissed and makes snide comments if anyone else wants a drink. Where's the fun in that?

FWIW, we did the first couple of Christmases with family after DS1 was born, but as soon as DS2 came along we told everyone that we'd be staying at home. When I was a kid we were always at home and the GPs came to us - we never had Christmas Day at their house.

You need to be a bit more assertive OP and speak up earlier in the year.

She sounds like a complete arse!

it was just more of a rant, to get things out of my system so I don’t blow up at dh over this

I think you should blow up at your husband. He doesn't seem to be listening to you, or caring about your feelings, so you need to make it absolutely clear.

If you're going to insist it's too late to change plans this year, (which it isn't, MIL can change her order to a smaller one), then you need to make it clear to your husband that this is the last time. Take along the extras, pull MIL up if she makes snide remarks, and leave early. You don't have to stay there all day.

BTW, I'm curious. You mentioned MIL makes mash, doesn't she also make roasties?

You really need to start being more assertive, otherwise, your husband and MIL will dictate how you do Christmas every year.

I'm sorry about your mum, it sounds like she was a lovely, welcoming woman, and you must miss her very much.

Your DH is a bit of an arse isn’t he?
I bet he’s deliberately not told her your not going because secretly he wants to spend Christmas there.

Oh, and it would be a good idea to tell MIL about your plans for next Christmas, while you're there this Christmas. I'd mention it as you're leaving, just throw it out casually. "Oh MIL, thanks for dinner. We're staying at home next year, so you're invited to ours. I expect you'd love to not have the hassle for a change. Bye."

And then quickly exit, so she doesn't get a chance to respond!

Okay just clocked that there are no roasties. YANBU!

But seriously, her lack of willingness to compromise on the food would really upset me.

I would be really encouraging your DH to put his foot down. "Pinklemonade had a hard time last year, missing her family, so this year we will be bringing some of their traditional Christmas food to make sure she doesn't miss out on her favourite parts. We'll bring enough to share. Next year we'll be having Christmas at home. We hope to be able to host you, but we need to work our how to manage that in our current house."

The dauphinoise can go in the oven whilst the meat is resting (as the mash will be on the hob) so it shouldn't be an issue.