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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

aibu to want Christmas in my own home?

155 replies

pinklemonade84 · 22/11/2018 17:44

Last year was the first Christmas without my mum and we ended up having a miserable day at the in laws’ house. Where they took over dd, went ridiculously out on large plastic toys that they know we don’t have room for, made comments about me having a drink for a change, amongst other stuff.

At the time I spoke to dh and said that I wanted to start some of our own family traditions, he was in full agreement. But, now the time has come, it obviously hasn’t materialised.

I spoke to mil the other day and said I would pay for some bits for Christmas Dinner (think a different type of potatoes, some nice stuff and a couple of other bits), but because she doesn’t like them she refuses to cook them. And she doesn’t want my contribution to food in the evening because I like different stuff to them.

I said to dh in the kitchen today, reminded him of what we’d spoken about last year and he said it was too late to change our plans this year. I said that I was fed up of dry meat, over cooked veg and being made to feel bad because I don’t like certain stuff, and said that next year I’d love it if we could eat here and then go over to the in laws. But dh has completely missed the point and said he will cook there next year. Which means dd not being able to open presents in her own home and us not having any time alone with her.

It feels like I’m booked into spending every Christmas with his parents, no thought into what I want or the fact that dd soon won’t want to be dragged away from her parents. Mil never spent Christmas Day with her in laws, so why on earth am I expected to spend all of mine with her?

OP posts:
snitzelvoncrumb · 23/11/2018 08:34

I don't think it's unreasonable, why don't you just tell your dh that you and your child will be joining him at a certain time at the in-laws, but won't be there all day. He can say no if he likes, but just don't get ready, start preparing your Christmas lunch. Be prepared that he might take your child and leave you home though.

pinklemonade84 · 23/11/2018 08:59

Why is it an excuse though to want to do things the way that my parents did, and the way that dh’s parents did?

Just because the way that I want to do Christmas is different to the way that some of you do it, there’s no need to come across as so sneering and condescending!

When we get there on Christmas Day dd will be overwhelmed by the ridiculous amount of presents that they have bought for her and expect us to be able to house. Some of which, we specifically wanted to buy for her, and they fully knew about. But that’s a totally different thread.

I had a miserable time there last year and no thought was given to the fact that it was my first without my mum. Instead I was mocked for having a few drinks and pushed out of dd’s Christmas and being able to play with her and enjoy time with her. Of course I’m not looking forward to having the same thing happen yet again!

OP posts:
Greensleeves · 23/11/2018 09:02

You don't want to go because they treat you like crap, basically. I wouldn't want to go either Flowers

I don't normally advocate "putting your foot down", but in this case I think you need to. If your dh hasn't got the bollocks to stand up to his parents, then I think you should just tell him that you and dd aren't going for the whole day this year. Pick the part of the day that's most important to him/his family and go for that, dinner if that's what they want, and then go home and enjoy the rest of the day with your dd.

MistressDeeCee · 23/11/2018 09:03

Just because the way that I want to do Christmas is different to the way that some of you do it, there’s no need to come across as so sneering and condescending!

No point having a go at people on here. Sounds like you're well able to stick up for yourself then, so in that case you should feel able to just tell your DH that you are not going and you prefer to stay at home this year, as you don't enjoy Christmas at your PIL.

SillySallySingsSongs · 23/11/2018 09:06

Just because the way that I want to do Christmas is different to the way that some of you do it, there’s no need to come across as so sneering and condescending

Yet it seems to be ok for you to be quite nasty about your PIL? Can't have it both ways.

dustowl · 23/11/2018 09:07

the problem isn't your in-laws it's your DH not listening to you and taking your wants into account, that would be the thing that would piss me off more than anything

ThanosSavedMe · 23/11/2018 09:08

You have two options.

Just don’t go. Tell your dh now that you and dd will not be going for dinner and the full day. It’s his fault if his mums upset for not discussing it with her sooner.

Go and take the food you want ready prepped

Personally I’d not go. So what if your dh is pissed off. The other option is you’re pissed off. Why should you bend over backwards for him

ThanosSavedMe · 23/11/2018 09:09

Hit post too soon.

Why should you bend over backward for him when he isn’t prepare to do the same for you

OutPinked · 23/11/2018 09:11

YANBU, my Christmas would be utterly ruined if I had to spend it with my MIL Grin. Put your foot down and insist you’re staying home, he can go if he really wants.

Greensleeves · 23/11/2018 09:13

OP lost her mum last year and then had to spend a miserable day enduring catty comments about having a drink and having no consideration shown to her whatsoever. Is it so surprising her PIL aren't her favourite people? Hmm

pinklemonade84 · 23/11/2018 09:46

@MistressDeeCee of course I’m going to have a go if people are going to be so snooty about me wanting to spend Christmas a different way to what I did last year

OP posts:
pinklemonade84 · 23/11/2018 09:47

@Greensleeves obviously people don’t give a stuff about that. As long as the in laws are kept happy, stuff what I want

OP posts:
ChasedByBees · 23/11/2018 10:01

There are a lot of people who agree with you OP. AIBU can be a funny place.

MrsStrowman · 23/11/2018 10:07

OP I'm not sure why you're here. You want to do things your way, so just do them your way! You don't want to go to PILs so don't, you don't want to invite people to your home to share christmas, so don't, you don't want to eat your MILs cooking, so don't, you want your daughter to spend the day surrounded by toys (but not the ones her GPs buy her), your call. There's no question to ask because you're not open to any other suggestions. You do Christmas your way.

PrincessScarlett · 23/11/2018 10:11

If in-laws are only 5 minutes away, can you spend Christmas morning at home and arrive at in-laws an hour before dinner?

If you are concerned about DD not being able to play with her toys can you take some with you?

Since having DC I insist on staying at home but always invite in-laws over. I must say that if they turned up with potatoes or other dinner items I would be a bit put out. By all means take wine, chocolates, cheese etc but not the main dinner components.

I think it probably is a bit late to refuse to go now. I know it's still weeks away but most people have made plans. Definitely put your foot down for next year though.

JudasPrudy · 23/11/2018 10:20

YANBU to want to start your own Christmas traditions now that you have a young child. We are making our own Christmas dinner for the first ever time this year and just visiting family after. You're going to have to just tell her OP if your DH won't do it. Stop thinking you have to make excuses - wanting to have dinner with just your immediate family is enough.

averylongtimeago · 23/11/2018 10:26

OP, I totally get where you are coming from.
My DM passed away just before Christmas some years ago, so it is always bittersweet for me.

I think not going this year will be difficult- I think you have two options.
1/ Open presents at your house in the morning- the ones from you and your DH and the stockings from Father Christmas. Go round for lunch, take some extras for the meal. Pigs in blankets, stuffing, dauphinois potatoes (I hate mash too!) "sell" the idea by being helpful- don't discuss it in advance just do it. Take some wine that you like too. Don't stay too late, back home for a nice supper.

2/ Host at your house. Mil supplies the meat (already bought?) and you do the rest. Part of the fun at Christmas during my childhood was all the kids squashed on the papering board between two chairs....

Then next year stay at home - and say what you are doing early.

I have two grown up children- we go to them and fit in with their traditions with the dgc. Just as my DM and Mil did when my DC were small.

Tatgalore · 23/11/2018 10:33

Oh my gosh op just bloody put your foot down and tell them you're not going.

If my husband put me in this position then I'd be telling him to damn well spend his Christmas at his mothers if he wanted to, but that myself and dd would be staying home.

SillySallySingsSongs · 23/11/2018 10:36

obviously people don’t give a stuff about that. As long as the in laws are kept happy, stuff what I want

As I've said works both ways. You just want what you want and stuff everyone else.

Do what you want but don't use your DC as an excuse. You have been quite nasty about your MIL. Own it.

AjasLipstick · 23/11/2018 10:40

Just take some of her new toys with you! Pack yourself some nice bits of food that you've already cooked.

allthgoodusernamesaretaken · 23/11/2018 10:46

I think it is really really rude of you to be wanting to bring food for the main meal over, you might as well just tell her that her food is awful

Agree with this. At no other time of year would people think it was acceptable to turn up with their own food, which the host (1) doesn't like and (2) has asked you not to bring

OP, I sympathise with losing your Mum last year and I wonder if this is colouring your views on the whole Christmas thing

Tatgalore · 23/11/2018 10:57

I think some people are missing the point that op just doesn't want to go.

Her in laws annoy her, she doesn't like the food, she doesn't enjoy the day.

She's an adult woman isn't she entitled to spend Christmas Day as she pleases?

howabout · 23/11/2018 10:57

YANBU to want Christmas in your own home and not to want to host your selfish in-laws.

Personally I would love it if a guest turned up with lots of extras to add to the table - find it weird others find this rude.

As you live so near you could compromise and just turn up for the meal before bidding a fond adieu. Disagree with turning up an hour early to help prep a meal you won't enjoy and get criticised for doing it wrong. Volunteer to do the washing up while PIL monopolise your DD and then exit stage left ASAP.

If GPs feel the need to overindulge with parcels then surely they should come to you on Boxing Day and do just that then. They will then be able to have time to play with DGC and work out if perhaps they have gone overboard.

junebirthdaygirl · 23/11/2018 11:10

I think the time to sort this was a bit earlier. You said last year you were not going again but here you are. Sounds like you have been too passive. And then complain.
Go this year but at regular intervals next year tell dh ye are having your own Christmas. And nail it down in Sept so absolutely no doubt.
All my family started having Christmas in our own houses once dc came. Then went to parents in the evening. And it wasn't to do with food as my dm was a genius at Christmas dinner and we were settling for less.
O think you were rude about the food. You were invited last year and accepted so out of respect for your mil do not critise her food .
So next year stop blaming everyone else and become responsible for yourself by laying it down strong that ye are doing your own dinner. Can go to inlaws later but only if you do not critise as thats bad form.

MrsStrowman · 23/11/2018 11:12

She's an adult woman isn't she entitled to spend Christmas Day as she pleases?

That's exactly my point. So don't use DD as an excuse and why bother posting on AIBU? She wants to do it her way? Crack on