aibu to want Christmas in my own home?

[pinklemonade84]

Last year was the first Christmas without my mum and we ended up having a miserable day at the in laws’ house. Where they took over dd, went ridiculously out on large plastic toys that they know we don’t have room for, made comments about me having a drink for a change, amongst other stuff.

At the time I spoke to dh and said that I wanted to start some of our own family traditions, he was in full agreement. But, now the time has come, it obviously hasn’t materialised.

I spoke to mil the other day and said I would pay for some bits for Christmas Dinner (think a different type of potatoes, some nice stuff and a couple of other bits), but because she doesn’t like them she refuses to cook them. And she doesn’t want my contribution to food in the evening because I like different stuff to them.

I said to dh in the kitchen today, reminded him of what we’d spoken about last year and he said it was too late to change our plans this year. I said that I was fed up of dry meat, over cooked veg and being made to feel bad because I don’t like certain stuff, and said that next year I’d love it if we could eat here and then go over to the in laws. But dh has completely missed the point and said he will cook there next year. Which means dd not being able to open presents in her own home and us not having any time alone with her.

It feels like I’m booked into spending every Christmas with his parents, no thought into what I want or the fact that dd soon won’t want to be dragged away from her parents. Mil never spent Christmas Day with her in laws, so why on earth am I expected to spend all of mine with her?

It sounds as though she feels she's being railroaded into things by her dh and mil.

Instead of being assertive she's venting her frustrations by complaining about the way her in laws do things and hoping people will sympathise with her.

@MrsStrowman you’re actually not getting it at all and just refusing to see where I have actually said I would be willing to compromise

We’re talking about getting a fold away table for next year so that we can offer to host (maybe look on page 2 where I said I would see how feasible it was for next year). We don’t have the money to splash out on one so close to Christmas! So, obviously we can’t afford to host this year. And they won’t come to us because mil has to have control of the tv as well as monopolise dd, which she wouldn’t be able to do in someone else’s house.

And I don’t know where you’re getting the impression from that I only want dd to play with her toys from myself and dh? I don’t want her to be dragged away from her toys stupidly early to get to a meal that I’m not going to enjoy and spend time with people who monopolise dd and don’t give a stuff about pushing a child’s mother!

You’re just choosing to see what you want to and not bothering to read where I’ve said compromises

You complained about DD being dragged away from her toys at home, you then complained about the nature and quantity of the toys her GPs bought her. I get you don't like it there, food is rubbish, MIL is a pain, fine. No need to blame it on DD 'missing out' or MIL being unreasonable (she's doing what you want to do btw, having the Christmas she wants). All I'm saying is if you want to do it your way, just bloody do it! Stop complaining and do what you like.

I'm with you OP.

We stopped travelling for christmas years ago. It's a terrible time for travelling, the days are short, and the weather is often bad. We largely shut the door to the world, have developed our own traditions, and focus on ourselves as an immediate family.

I thought my mum might be upset at this, instead she revealed that she hated travelling at christmas when we were kids and wished she'd had the courage to do this herself then. We see parents at other times of the year when the weather is better and it's easier to travel.

She's only reserved the meat, not paid for it. There's plenty of time for her to change her order for smaller portions.

Have the christmas you want, not the christmas you think the in-laws want.

Op why don't you just tell your dh you're not going?

It's November, it's not too late.

OP are you considering not going or resigned to this just happening to you??

Please, please, please put your foot down or you'll feel resentful forever and you can never get that time back.

I spent over 10 years having to spend xmas with the in laws and it was shit. I hated it, but didn't have the confidence to tell dh just how much it was getting to me. I had no traditions of my own and had to spend xmas eating horrible food in a big cold house with no TV and decorations from the 1970s. It was so depressing. I hate xmas now and don't bother with it as I just feel so many bad feeling. The dcs are grown up now so that time has passed.

But why does it have to be just what mil wants? What about her husband or her two sons, who will like the items that I’m planning to take? Don’t they deserve some of the bits that they want? Because that’s what she’s like. If she doesn’t like it then anyone else who does like it doesn’t get a look in.

If we’re able to find a folding table to fit in our living room for next year then we will of course invite them or we will figure out a compromise. And if they do come to us then we’ll make sure that EVERYONE has a meal that they like

I’m not going to say that I’m not going as dh would take dd without me and there’s no way on earth that I’ll spend time away from dd on Christmas Day. I’m not doing it. Christmas is hard enough without my mum

But I’m still going to take the sides with me as it’s not just me who will like them, dh has specifically requested stuffing, and dd will eat the pigs in blankets (as well as fil and bil). But we will cook them here and take them with us so that it’s not adding to mil’s workload.

YANBU.

I'm really pleased that when your child/children provide you with grandchildren you will support their decision to start new traditions that don't involve you. I am sure that you will run every gift idea for your future GC past your future SIL or DIL for approval. I'm certain that you will smile politely and say thank you when you are told that they don't wish you to be part of their family Christmas. It won't matter because you and your DH will be enjoying your potato dauphinoise and pigs in blankets.

It is one day a year, if you go expecting to have an awful time you will have an awful time. Do something special for yourselves on boxing day.

We stopped travelling for christmas years ago. It's a terrible time for travelling, the days are short, and the weather is often bad.

They are 5 minutes down the road. Hardly the same is it.

Your husband will TAKE your dd?

Your husband will TAKE your dd?

Well tbf others have said she should KEEP her DD

@Tatgalore if I was to say I wasn’t going, yes he would take her

DH and I had Christmas on our own for 10 years before we had DC. Any time we joined in with family it has always been the compromise which pleases no-one. I cannot see any circumstance where I would actively want to intrude on my DDs' future Christmases when they have a family of their own. Even if I were just on my own I would be quite happy with my gourmet meal for 1 lovingly prepared to my specifications by me and the TV or a good book.

Why on earth do other people think this is a sacrifice?

They are 5 minutes down the road. Hardly the same is it.
Opps, missed that post in the thread @SillySallySingsSongs

But my main point still stands. Have the christmas you want, not the one that anyone else wants. It doesn't have to be what the adverts tell you it should be. Five minutes in the car or five hours makes very little difference to this, other than it makes an extended family Boxing Day afternoon walk easier to organise as a new tradition.

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Why on earth do other people think this is a sacrifice?
It's a welcome luxury for us to have christmas to ourselves @howabout , not a sacrifice!

I'm sorry what do you mean he'd take her? So what if you said no, that you and dd are staying home this year, what he'd physically overpower you and take her?

Fgs stand up for yourself woman! Does your 'd'h actually give a shit how you feel or what you think? Or does he always get to dictate what you do and don't do?

He cares about you so much he'd rather you spent Christmas alone and your daughter spent Christmas without her mother than say no to his parents?

I'm gobsmacked.

Howabout I totally agree.

I fully expect that once adults my dc will do as they please at Christmas.

@Tatgalore I’m not sure that he would overpower me, but he’d make sure that he got her in the car to take her regardless

We alternate years between pil and my parents. (Personally I don't like Christmas just dh me and the kids, I've always preferred to see family but that's personal choice).

The first year I spent Christmas at pils I hated it. I'm not a fan of mils cooking (in general not just at Christmas) and they pretty much sat in silence watching tv (not Christmas tv, just whatever normal programs they had recorded because they wanted to watch them - think episode 3 and 4 of a series we weren't watching). Christmas dinner was very early, and there were no snack foods for the evening. There was no Christmas pudding (they don't like it, for me it's an essential), and it just felt odd, not like Christmas I guess.
I was used to fun, games (both for adults and kids), Christmas specials or movies on the tv, chatting and drinking and just relaxing and having fun.
I'm still not a massive fan of Christmas at the in laws, but we compromise and go for a couple of hours. This means when we get home we can have Christmas pudding, snack food and watch Christmas tv whine relaxing.

Make sure you get to do something you like, it's your Christmas too. I'd definitely take the pigs in blankets and stuffing (it isn't Christmas without them!), go late and leave early.

Pinklemonade why are you just allowing this to happen to you?

Oh dear, you have a serious problem with your Dh if he would take your daughter away from you and let you spend Christmas day on your own. How vile. Your in-laws sound almost saintly in comparison!

I think aibu is the wrong place for me to have posted because some people really do like to look down on others and stick the boot in however they can

I take on board the suggestion to offer to host next year and we’ll look into getting a folding table.

But I’m not going to sacrifice my whole Christmas Day so there will have to be some sort of compromise on both sides. The day isn’t all about mil, but equally it isn’t all about me. There’s other people to consider, such as fil, dh, bil and dd.

Why did you post op?

Who is sticking the boot in? I am standing up for you, you should spend Christmas at home if you prefer.

Who is considering your feelings? No one by the sounds of it.

Thing is now you sound like you are criticising how MIL provides Christmas for FIL and BIL and that is not your business. Either you are happy to accept her as the matriarch and do it her way or you establish your own matriarchy with your own nuclear family.