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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To sell my house against DP and DSD wishes?

186 replies

AllTheKingsWomen · 22/11/2018 12:36

I bought my house around 6 years ago. It’s a 4 bed detached in a nice area. When DP and I decided to move in together it made sense for him to move in with me as he was renting a tiny 2 bed house. He doesn’t pay towards my mortgage which suits me.
Over the 6 years I’ve slowly gone up the house myself room by room. It’s now exactly how I want it and is worth £40k more than I paid for it.
But now I’ve finished my ‘project’ I’m bored and ready for a new one so I’m thinking of selling up and buying a big Victorian terraced house to renovate. I always warned DP that I might end up wanting to do this.
Well, all out war has kicked off, DSD is gutted as this is the first time she’s lived in a “posh house” (her words) and she likes to bring friends over and show off. She said the houses I’m looking at at “embarrassing” “tatty” “old fashioned” and “scruffy”. DP agrees with her because basically he moved into a nicely done up house without having to lift a finger or spend a penny.

I feel that it’s my choice. I invested in this house and I love renovation and know I can make money doing it. AIBU to tell them it’s happening and they’re free to find somewhere else to live if they hate my idea so much?

OP posts:
HugoBearsMummy · 22/11/2018 14:08

I will say that I agree it IS your house and therefore your decision, but as someone who is in the process of renovating their second home (think big renovations, practically building a new house) it can be very costly, and also very stressful for everyone who lives in the house whilst the renovations are taking place. My DH runs his own building firm so has the pressure of that AS WELL as doing our house and it has been a huge strain and worry and has changed his temperament somewhat (we were blissful loved up newlyweds in June - part of me has wanted to rewind to that time!!) And I have said I would NEVER EVER do this again, I'm practically a single Mum on the weekends as he works every hour he can on the house. Yes this will benefit me, out DS and stb DD (currently pregnant to through that in the mix lol) because we'll have a beautiful family home at the end of it, but that doesn't mean to say its not very hard in the mean time.
Perhaps he's worried about the impact that a project will have on your relationship, quality time, etc, especially as he's not on any mortgage therefore would potentially not benefit from carrying out the work with you... the DSD opinion is irrelevant IMO.

cheesefield · 22/11/2018 14:09

Good for you OP!

Juells · 22/11/2018 14:09

Not her daughter.

BolleauxtoBankers · 22/11/2018 14:11

We don't know when the partner and his daughter moved in as the OP bought the house 6 years ago and was already doing it up before she met her partner. So the daughter won't have been there for as long as the last 6 years, Badwifey. I'm guessing 2 years, max.

Bobbybear10 · 22/11/2018 14:13

It sounds very much ch like they are both just using you.
It also sounds like you realise this but haven’t done anything about it.

Do you think you might benefit from working on your self esteem?
Surely being alone is better than being with someone that only values what you can give him and his daughter?

dontalltalkatonce · 22/11/2018 14:13

The responses to this thread would be entirely different if the OP was the DP, and female, and she explained that she'd move in with her 'DP', that he refused to put her on the deeds/contribute to the mortgage, that she pays half of the other household bills and was now selling against her and her dcs wishes 🙄.

IME, no, it wouldn't. She'd be told she was foolish to rely on someone else financially for a roof over her head and her kids' heads.

I'd just end this relationship, OP. You're being taken for a ride.

NRPDad · 22/11/2018 14:14

Imagine if this thread was reversed and someone was saying their DP was selling against their and their DD's wishes because he was bored and wanted a project and that he had told them "it’s happening and you’re free to find somewhere else to live if you hate my idea so much?"

Everyone would be saying LTB/good riddance if that's how he treats you.

HollowTalk · 22/11/2018 14:21

Yes, but if someone's living rent-free and leaves the house in a tip and does fuck all to help improve it, they shouldn't be surprised when the gravy train comes to an abrupt halt!

dontalltalkatonce · 22/11/2018 14:22

There was a thread on here a few weeks ago where the OP was a man and had his GF living with him in similar circumstances and the resounding response was to kick her sponging arse out.

Of course he willing gave up his rental home to move in with the OP! If someone offered me that type of set up I'd jump on it, and then save what I would have paid in rent in case of a rainy day. Whether he has or hasn't is not the OP's responsibility.

dontalltalkatonce · 22/11/2018 14:24

'I'm really sorry, but for me this relationship just isn't working anymore.I don't love you anymore and we don't have a future together. You'll need to make plans to move out by X date.'

BunnyColvin · 22/11/2018 14:24

OP you clearly have your head screwed on financially so why did you have them move in at all? There's a kid's life here, who obviously wants some stability. Yes, it's not your job to provide it, it's her father's, but why would you want to be part of her not getting it?

Don't understand your motivation tbh. Do up a million houses if you want but best do it on your own.

HollowTalk · 22/11/2018 14:24

I doubt he's saved a penny of his rent.

I have a problem with someone living there rent-free anyway, particularly if they have a child with them. There are two extra people which means there's a lot more wear and tear on the house (curry stains apart.) Why should someone be able to live for free? I don't see why they should have a financial stake in the property if they do live there, either. It's their choice on moving in, isn't it?

seventhgonickname · 22/11/2018 14:28

Good luck telling him it's over.Hope you enjoy your home.

Pinkyyy · 22/11/2018 14:29

I'm also a bit concerned about this return. Is that 40k on top of what you've paid to completely renovated? I'd imagine you'd have spent that (if not more) doing up a 4 bed house. But as far as DP and DSD are concerned, it sounds as though you want rid of them and are using this as your excuse

hellsbellsmelons · 22/11/2018 14:39

The response would be NO different if it was the other way around!
Other than us telling her to contribute more.
As there are 2 of them and only 1 of him.
And telling her to tidy up after herself as it's feckin' disrespectful to do what they are doing and to ensure her DD also tidies up after herself.

OP, you owe them nothing.
You've let them live rent free for some time and you've subsidided his DD with bills and groceries and you've put up with them being messy, disrespectful fuckers!
Sooooo - sod them!

DeaflySilence · 22/11/2018 14:40

"Actually I’m thinking now that I’m just going to end it with him. I’ve hated them both living with me since they moved in."

Wow, that was quick. We went from 'AIBU to sell the house' to hating your family in 3 posts!

How old is this step-daughter whose future you no longer wish to be part of, and how long has she lived with you? Is she a child?

OrdinarySnowflake · 22/11/2018 14:41

Your update makes sense - I read your first couple of posts thinking "she doesn't see this man as her partner." - if after living together for a number of years, you haven't moved on to feeling like partners (regardless of who actually owns the house) then best to end it before you hate each other.

Sounds like the house issue has just brought the relatinship issues to the front.

What I would say for the future OP, is don't move a partner in until you are prepared to see them as an equal partner, if you make your house their home, then you need to be prepared to see the house as equally their home. You never did with this DP, so shouldn't have moved in together.

BrendasUmbrella · 22/11/2018 14:47

I could feel your resentment in your first post. This is a good opportunity to end it. Let him know he has to find somewhere else to live. At least without paying rent/mortgage he should have some decent savings by now. (You would assume.)

AcrossthePond55 · 22/11/2018 14:49

Good decision! And you'll probably have extra money to spend on your project to boot!

BrendasUmbrella · 22/11/2018 14:49

Imagine if this thread was reversed and someone was saying their DP was selling against their and their DD's wishes because he was bored and wanted a project and that he had told them "it’s happening and you’re free to find somewhere else to live if you hate my idea so much?"

Not a reverse, you've changed the details to better fit your strawman argument.

OrdinarySnowflake · 22/11/2018 14:57

Well obviously if the DP was the OP then the responses would be different - even if it was a woman. They would be asked why they moved their child into a situation where they had no control over it. They would be asked if they had been saving what they previously spent on rent so either could carry on with the new place or get their own, but the 'cost' of living for free was that it was their DP's decision to sell or not.

They would be told they were very irresponsible to have gone along with this.

BarbarianMum · 22/11/2018 15:00

True. They'd also be told he was being a complete bastard, to be fair.

DishingOutDone · 22/11/2018 15:20

Did we ever establish how long the DP and DSD have been living with OP, and how old the DSD is?

HeadsDownThumbsUpEveryone · 22/11/2018 15:23

Did we ever establish how long the DP and DSD have been living with OP, and how old the DSD is?

Not yet no. The OP has not commented much since she rather coldly decided that she would end the relationship as she didn't like living with them.

hellojim · 22/11/2018 15:29

So you have paid to put a roof over their heads and your DP is paying half of the bills? So with 3 people in the house that means that you are paying more than your share. I think he should pay all the bills or at least 2/3. I can't see this working out.

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