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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To sell my house against DP and DSD wishes?

186 replies

AllTheKingsWomen · 22/11/2018 12:36

I bought my house around 6 years ago. It’s a 4 bed detached in a nice area. When DP and I decided to move in together it made sense for him to move in with me as he was renting a tiny 2 bed house. He doesn’t pay towards my mortgage which suits me.
Over the 6 years I’ve slowly gone up the house myself room by room. It’s now exactly how I want it and is worth £40k more than I paid for it.
But now I’ve finished my ‘project’ I’m bored and ready for a new one so I’m thinking of selling up and buying a big Victorian terraced house to renovate. I always warned DP that I might end up wanting to do this.
Well, all out war has kicked off, DSD is gutted as this is the first time she’s lived in a “posh house” (her words) and she likes to bring friends over and show off. She said the houses I’m looking at at “embarrassing” “tatty” “old fashioned” and “scruffy”. DP agrees with her because basically he moved into a nicely done up house without having to lift a finger or spend a penny.

I feel that it’s my choice. I invested in this house and I love renovation and know I can make money doing it. AIBU to tell them it’s happening and they’re free to find somewhere else to live if they hate my idea so much?

OP posts:
dontalltalkatonce · 22/11/2018 12:54

Sell it! I'd get shot of this 'partner', too. Sounds like he just wants to cocklodge.

I am SAHM who doesn’t contribute to the mortgage, with your reasoning I shouldn’t have a say in where we live as a family? hmm

Different set up, but if you're not married, you need to seriously consider how financially vulnerable you are.

Justmuddlingalong · 22/11/2018 12:55

Perhaps he and DSD could buy your current house from you. No? Then they should button it.

Coffeeandcrisps · 22/11/2018 12:55

You kind of can’t have it both ways, you won’t let him contribute to mortgage (understandable!) but equally then lambast him and say that means he doesn’t get a choice.

I’m assuming he moved in with you because he loves you and wants to be with you and it made practical sense over you moving in with him. You are sort of running rough shod over his feelings here, are you a team or not?

My ex and I renovated houses together and it’s horrendous living in them and doing it at same time. I don’t really blame him for not jumping to do that!

HeadsDownThumbsUpEveryone · 22/11/2018 12:56

I think its pretty unfair to not give them any input into the decision. Its hardly fair that people are saying because they do not pay then their opinions don't count. I am sure the DSD is probably not old enough to contribute properly and is still at school? Plus many people are in relationships where both parties don't contribute to the payment of the mortgage such as SAH parents, does that mean they don't get a say in whether or not they move.

Plus its all well and good saying your DP doesn't pay but he no doubt contributes in other ways. Plus I'm sure if he knew this would be the outcome he would have been more than happy to contribute to the mortgage.

In my opinion your post makes it sounds like you value making money and renovating a house above your relationship with these 2 people.

dontalltalkatonce · 22/11/2018 12:57

But having to move to a new home against your will isn’t a nice experience.

He's free to set up house with his kid and pay for it then.

Nanny0gg · 22/11/2018 12:59

Do you want a relationship with him?

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 22/11/2018 12:59

I think it's right and fair that you retain sole ownership of the house, since you paid for it and did everything to make it lovely.
But, you shouldn't have let your boyfriend and his dd move in, if you don't view it as their home too. I wouldn't be too harsh in criticising dsd either - she's a kid and of course she wants to stay in the nice house.
I think this is a weird set up - you are living like a family. I think it's bad to have one person get all the say.

How about you sell this house, you and dp buy one you can both afford and with the remaining money, get yourself a project house to renovate and rent out? That is if you see yourself staying with him long term.

MrsPatmore · 22/11/2018 13:00

Don't marry him otherwise your assets will be joint.

HoustonBess · 22/11/2018 13:03

Money aside, you're not really functioning as a family/household. Moving to a fixer-upper will impact DP and DSD's lifestyles as well, can they get onside about it?

You're within your rights to move and it may make financial sense, but it's a bit weird how you're all so disconnected. You should be making decisions like this together if you're going to be a family unit.

Original poster
AllTheKingsWomen · 22/11/2018 13:04

Actually I’m thinking now that I’m just going to end it with him. I’ve hated them both living with me since they moved in. They’re both scruffy, leaving used underwear in the living room, wiping curry on the sofa, all his shitty ornaments everywhere (until I got shut of them). I much preferred living on my own and obsessing over my house. In the back of my mind I probably new this would cause a fall out and saw it as a way of getting out of the situation I’m in.

OP posts:
HouseworkIsASin10 · 22/11/2018 13:06

Good decision OP.

HouseworkIsASin10 · 22/11/2018 13:06

Who actually brought up moving in together in the first place?

seventhgonickname · 22/11/2018 13:07

He sounds more in live with his new lifestyle than you.I excuse his daughter.
People saying join finances haven't read the post.
If moving is right for you then do it,as you say you did tell him this would probably happen.
I would reassess my relationship though.

AliceRR · 22/11/2018 13:07

If it’s yours house then you have the right to sell

If you’d be buying the new house with only your money too then it’s your decision as well

If DH will be contributing to the new house then obviously you would need to find a house that suits you both and that sounds like the fair thing overall

Is there a reason why he can’t / won’t contribute?

happypoobum · 22/11/2018 13:07

Interesting update OP - reading between the lines I thought that might be the case.

YANBU at all. Move on and just date him if you still want to see him, you don't have to live with the bloke do you?

If he doesn't want to do that (still see you , living apart) then you really know you made the right decision.

I love living on my own so totally understand.

weemouse · 22/11/2018 13:08

Them leaving used underwear in the living room is a reason enough to end it.

That is just gross.

I have a 10 year old who knows better manners than that.

Returnofthesmileybar · 22/11/2018 13:08

Just saw your update, yep definitely get rid of the entitled cocklodgers and take on your new project, how exiting!

UtterlyUnimaginativeUsername · 22/11/2018 13:08

That sounds like the right move, to be honest.

sirfredfredgeorge · 22/11/2018 13:09

you shouldn't have let your boyfriend and his dd move in, if you don't view it as their home too

Absolutely, if you make it a home, then it's everyone's home, this "I paid for it, I own it, I can do what I want attitude", is just the same attitude that is used to diminish SAHP's, sure this family is not quite as simple set up, and there are good reasons for you to protect your own investment in the property. Yet the same basic control is being done by the dominant person, a family is not a family if one person is in control and makes all the decisions.

Your urge to renovate is real, why not just renovate a second house, it's quicker and easier if you're not living in it, and 40k increase in valuation is pretty poor return from a 4 bed house, even if it had cost you nothing to do, it would barely pay the selling fees.

HeadsDownThumbsUpEveryone · 22/11/2018 13:10

So if you hate him so much why would you have a discussion about moving in with you?

What you have effectively done is spend several years being a role model to his daughter and now your just going to kick her and her father out and move without so much as a second thought about them. You sound delightful. She rightly sees you as her step mother and you sound like you despise her.

HeebieJeebies456 · 22/11/2018 13:11

He pays half towards the bills and groceries
So he's got a pretty cushy deal then hasn't he given what he'd be paying market rate? No wonder he doesn't want to 'downgrade'.
Tough though, it isn't his choice to make - you're not married and your finances are separate.
I understand you don't want him on the mortgage or deeds but i think it's only fair to ask him to contribute a nominal amount towards wear and tear/decorating/maintenance....especially as he and dsd are benefiting from the improvements.

As for dsd.......she definitely doesn't get a say in whether you sell or not!
Does she live there full time?

If they don't want to live in a house that's being renovated that's fine....they can find their own place.
It might be their 'home' because they live there but they don't actually have the kind of entitlement they're assuming they do.

If your relationship suffers because of this then i think it's obvious what your dp really values.....

KurriKurri · 22/11/2018 13:11

I think if you are thinking along the lines of saying it is happening and they can move out if they don;t like it, shows where your priorities lie. I'm not saying that is a bad thing - but it might be good to actually say that, then your DP can make a decision about whether he wants to stay in this relationship knowing he and his DD come second to your desire to do houses up.

Obviously if you do move and do up another house and he comes with you, he'll need to understand that the same thing will happen in a few years when you've finished the next project.

I actually think it is fine that you want to do this and I think you should follow your own desires, it is your house, you can do what you like with it - and this is obviously something that is very important to you. I think it sounds as if it will be a bit of a deal breaker both for you and for DP and DSD - but best that everyone knows where they stand and you can all move on in whatever way you choose.
You told him this was a possibility - now it is a reality.

SpannerH · 22/11/2018 13:12

If you want to stay with him i'd look into renting your house out and buying somewhere together. If you don't, get shut! simple!

AcrossthePond55 · 22/11/2018 13:13

Your house, your money, your decision. You're entitled to do as you choose, you aren't married and you have no mutual children. You 'owe' him nothing. However, you do need to decide exactly how much you love him and what his happiness means to you. And he needs to do the same.

It may be you can work it out. Or it may be that this is a dealbreaker.

Mummyoflittledragon · 22/11/2018 13:13

It depends how much you value your relationship with them. Another way to satisfy your boredom would be to pool resources or if you have enough money yourself and buy a small doer upper.

It is possible to say they’re living in the house, it’s mine and I’m paying for it so suck it up buttercup. Imo Your health and happiness is always worth far more than a few quid. So if you want to continue living with with your dp and dsd I’d think long and hard about what’s most important to you.

My friend and her dh moved into a doerupper because that’s all they could afford to buy as a blended family and have a bedroom for each child. When you’re a step parent ultimately you make sacrifices for those children so that they are happy.

Is part of the issue that you feel taken advantage of? Because at the end of the day you chose to be with a man, who cannot compete with you financially.

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