To sell my house against DP and DSD wishes?

[AllTheKingsWomen]

I bought my house around 6 years ago. It’s a 4 bed detached in a nice area. When DP and I decided to move in together it made sense for him to move in with me as he was renting a tiny 2 bed house. He doesn’t pay towards my mortgage which suits me.
Over the 6 years I’ve slowly gone up the house myself room by room. It’s now exactly how I want it and is worth £40k more than I paid for it.
But now I’ve finished my ‘project’ I’m bored and ready for a new one so I’m thinking of selling up and buying a big Victorian terraced house to renovate. I always warned DP that I might end up wanting to do this.
Well, all out war has kicked off, DSD is gutted as this is the first time she’s lived in a “posh house” (her words) and she likes to bring friends over and show off. She said the houses I’m looking at at “embarrassing” “tatty” “old fashioned” and “scruffy”. DP agrees with her because basically he moved into a nicely done up house without having to lift a finger or spend a penny.

I feel that it’s my choice. I invested in this house and I love renovation and know I can make money doing it. AIBU to tell them it’s happening and they’re free to find somewhere else to live if they hate my idea so much?

He willingly gave up his house to move as he believed they were a family unit,

He willingly gave up renting.

they are classed as sitting tenants
No they are not. OP could call the police and have them escorted from property. It's the OPs home.

The responses would be different in role reversal
Not from me. Marriage offers certain protections you don't get the same by just living with someone. Would advise the person not to move in unless happy with terms. For all we know they have another property and are renting out.

They’re both scruffy, leaving used underwear in the living room, wiping curry on the sofa

(Not envy!)

This alone would have me packing his bags!

So he gets to live mortgage free, along with his daughter, in a detached posh house he could never afford?

Course he doesn't want to move out!

I'm guessing there's an awful lot you love about him given you put up with the disregard for your house's upkeep?

However £40k in 6 years given you've renovated the whole place doesn't sound like that much? Once you've paid moving costs and renovation what's the profit? Admittedly house prices are crazy here but our pretty modest terraced house has increased by 100k+ in the same timeframe and we've done nothing to it.

I think this is one of those instances where being unreasonable depends on if you are a man or a woman and which side of the fence you are on. For example if you were a man saying you were going to move house regardless of feelings, or kick your female partner and her daughter out, you would be called selfish.

And if you were a woman with a partner who was kicking you and daughter out then you’d be told your partner is selfish and you’re better out of the relationship.

In this case you are the woman with a financial advantage over your partner and his daughter so the advice is hell yeah it’s your property so get rid of those spongers!

He willingly gave up renting.

Yes but it was still his and his daughters house. In many places rental markets are a nightmare to break into. He now needs to find money for a deposit and possibly several months rent. As well as this he likely needs to be near his daughters school and find a landlord who will not sell or get new tenants who pay more rent at the soonest possible convenience. It would probably have been easier if he had sold a house to be honest.

It depends entirely for you view your partner and dsd

As a family unit, in it for the long haul, moving forward today her as a family

Or

They are essentially lodgers

If the former then it’s their home too and they have every right to express their opinion and for the family to discuss and debate the matter.

If the latter, go for it

I do feel a little sorry for his DD.

She is the way she is because she follows his example.

When they moved in she may not have been privvy to or understood that this was a temporary home. I can understand why she would be upset.

Her dad sounds disgusting and disrespectful.

@AllTheKingsWomen Whether or not you break it off with your DP is entirely up to you. But have you considered the timing of selling up and starting over on a new project? I would be hesitant to make such big financial changes with Brexit looming. Just wondering if you had thought about it.

Doesn't sound as if you like them very much.

I agree sounds as if you dislike them & that's the course. His daughter sounds proud of the house - a compliment to you - and doesn't want another move. Makes me wonder how many she has had / how old she is etc.

If your mind is made up so be end it. I think before you embark on another relationship though - if kids are involved - you should think about the passive aggressive way you have done it. She may feel at fault just because she is expressed her opinion.

If you want to save the relationship could you compromise and use equity to by a smaller property that you could do up and sell on. Could he be part of that?

@HotInWinter makes a good point. If DSD is over 17 she will have to sign to waive her residency rights, as will your DP.

I would end the relationship first before selling the house.

Separately, how come he only pays half of the bills and food and no rent? There are two of them and one of you. Seems like he had a very cushy deal.

I wondered if this was a reverse-post with reverse-genders... doesn't really matter though, as bottom line is that you aren't compatible. They don't sound very pleasant. But neither do you.

You have all read how disrespectful this man and his DD are to the OP's home they are living in for free? No?

You could offer to rent to them if he could afford it I suppose but I'm not sure they'd be great tenants.

But yeah this isn't really about them not wanting to move it's about you not wanting to live with them anymore, which is totally your decision.

Relationships end all the time. Sounds like this one has come to an end for you, best to call a halt before you start resenting them even more. It's very one-sided anyway, there doesn't seem to be anything in it for you apart from having people who aren't related to you messing up your home and feeling entitled.

40k over six years on a house you've renovated from top to bottom is a terrible return so I wouldn't suggest you do it again.

Sounds like you want to break up with your boyfriend, that's fine. House is a bit of a red herring.

I think before you embark on another relationship though - if kids are involved - you should think about the passive aggressive way you have done it. She may feel at fault just because she is expressed her opinion.

Just highlight this great message so hopefully the Op doesn't miss it when she next reads through. The DSD left her home to move in with you her step mother. Whether you like them or not she obviously cares for you after living with you and having you as part of her life. She will probably blame herself for the split and subsequent move no matter how much her father convinces her it wasn't her fault.

Please think very carefully next time you get into a relationship should he have children. I would hate to think another kid would go through this sort of situation.

Good decision OP.

Doesn't matter now but why did you allow him to live with you for free anyway? I get why you don't want him to contribute to your mortgage but he should have been paying you some rent at least.

Best Thread yet,

thank you OP for sharing your problem, taking advise and responding to that advise instantly, you have restored my faith in the good people of Mumsnet for getting it right for you

Agree with Ridley here. Having it valued 40k over after 6 years isn’t great and you might not get an offer even close to that valuation. After your fees and stamp duty you likely haven’t made much, if any profit here at all.

• Advice, sorry

Time to LTB and move onwards and upwards on your own, I reckon.

I think you are being a bit unreasonable. This is their home. Right take out the face that you partner hasn't contributed much to the home and even just consider your daughter. That is her home for the last 6 years which is a long time for a kid.

Also as an aside, I grew up in a house where my dad owned everything and I mean everything. We were constantly reminded of the fact that he paid for everything. I don't think of it as my home and I actually never have. Himself and my mam are separating now in their 60s and she is devastated to have to sell her home. It has absolutely no hold for me at all its only a house. Your daughter could end up feeling the same.

The responses to this thread would be entirely different if the OP was the DP, and female, and she explained that she'd move in with her 'DP', that he refused to put her on the deeds/contribute to the mortgage, that she pays half of the other household bills and was now selling against her and her dcs wishes

No it wouldn't, if the man had told his ladyfriend that there was a fair chance the house would be sold and he would look for the next project.

My response would be the same, sack her off, she's a bloody sponger. And she can take her daughter with her.

The OP owes them nothing. Sod 'em.