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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Restricted by days DSD is here...

297 replies

QueQue · 22/11/2018 09:12

I have a 4 week old baby.

Also have a DSD who is here one weekday every week and every other weekend Friday-Sunday.

Husband wants me to never arrange something on these days because it prevents DSD from seeing her sibling.

I haven't arranged anything for the past 4 weeks on these days, and I try my best not to, but next week I have an appointment on the weekday evening. It's not an essential appointment but it's something I do regularly and it's the only day available for 2 weeks.

I've booked it.

DH thinks I'm cruel because DSD will now not see her sibling for a week.

I don't know what to do. I've avoided making appointments for the past 4 weeks, I've not had visitors on these days. They've been dedicated solely to DSD. Surely I need to have a life though and can OCCASIONALLY do something on these days?

Or AIBU?

OP posts:
Witchesbritches · 22/11/2018 13:15

No, it’s NOT ‘problem solved’.

Your DH demanding you allocate 10/30 days of the month to putting DSD before anyone or anything else is the problem. He is not doing HER any favours and he’s treating YOU like your sole purpose in life is to do what makes him/her happy and screw you.

As I said before, if he doesn’t trust you to balance her needs with yours & DS’s then why the hell did he have a baby with you?

You REALLY need to get this sorted otherwise it’s going to cause problems and the longer it goes on, the harder it will be to change.

funinthesun18 · 22/11/2018 13:19

I think your dsd will be really disappointed and it's a bit mean tbh

The op wants to do something to give her a bit of a boost after having a baby, ie get her hair done. She should be able to do that without the guilt trip. Children do have to learn about disappointment at some point. There will be plenty more opportunities to for her dsd to see the baby.

RiverTam · 22/11/2018 13:22

it's not even about giving her a boost, it's about getting her hair into a more manageable style that's easier to look after with a new baby on the scene. Sounds like a necessity to me.

OhCrumpets · 22/11/2018 13:22

I think it's a great opportunity for your husband to spend one on one time with his daughter. She may not realise it but I think its really important and she may actually enjoy it more than he thinks.

Don't listen to those calling you mean OP. You're s step mother so by law you're guaranteed to get at least one poster calling you wicked, mean, selfish or equivalent.

Miscible · 22/11/2018 13:23

I'm glad the immediate problem is solved, but you need to make it clear to your DH that you can't put everything on hold in the way he demands and that you don't appreciate passive aggressive accusations of cruelty because you want to spend all of two hours doing something for yourself.

GummyGoddess · 22/11/2018 13:26

Just wanted to say that you do not need to express or make the baby take bottles so you can leave it with someone. It is not mean or horrible to solely breastfeed! It's actually recommended that nobody but the mother feeds baby, even when bottle feeding.

I didn't even want to leave mine when he was over 1 and I was admitted to hospital, or shortly after when I went back to work. There is no way I would be separated from a 4 week old for someone else's convenience. There's nothing wrong with you and baby being joined at the hip for a while, you don't have to leave them just because someone else wants a go or because they left theirs and feel judged that you don't want to (nothing to do with them).

JellieEllie · 22/11/2018 13:33

Can I just ask a really random question?

Why when you posted yesterday your baby was a girl. Now your baby is a boy in this post?

I'm really confused?

lovetherisingsun · 22/11/2018 13:33

Oh god, your husband needs to grow up/is deluded.

ElectricMonkey · 22/11/2018 13:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BunsOfAnarchy · 22/11/2018 13:41

I second @GummyGoddess
My EBF DD fed every waking hour for 11 weeks. Nothing wrong with being surgically attached to baby. Its not going to last forever. I hate it when people think its unhealthy or 'surely you can leave baby for a couple of hours with expressed in a bottle' Hmm

funinthesun18 · 22/11/2018 13:46

it's not even about giving her a boost, it's about getting her hair into a more manageable style that's easier to look after with a new baby on the scene. Sounds like a necessity to me.

All the more reason for her to go to her appointment. Her wellbeing is important and shouldn’t be forgotten about.

RiverTam · 22/11/2018 13:47

Electric so are you saying that every little girl's every desire should always be pandered to?

Her father has plenty of time to tell her that on this particular visit the baby won't be there.

BarbarianMum · 22/11/2018 14:07

Maybe it would be quite nice for the OPs sd to have some 1:1 time with her dad focused on her being special in her own right? Im sure she is truly delighted to have a baby brother but Id be really surprised if there wasnt at least a tiny bit of anxiety around sharing her dad's/stepmums affections in there somewhere.

diddl · 22/11/2018 14:24

" He's not telling OP not to go, he's asking her not to. "

Why would he even ask that though?

Tangledweb0 · 22/11/2018 14:45

Op yanbu but your dh is.
Why can’t he take his daughter out for 1-1 time.
If anything I think it is possibly more harmful in a blended family for the older child living elsewhere to never have an opportunity for 1-1 time with their biological parent anymore.
After all your ds will be getting plenty of 1-1 time with his dad.
I also think if the appointment had to be then, it had to be then and you need some flexibility too.
This is a one off.
Why can’t he just let her pick a nice activity like pizza/soft play/cinema and spoil her.
She wouldn’t for one minute feel pushed out having This 1-1 time, while her brother is at a boring appointment.

hellsbellsmelons · 22/11/2018 14:56

You've found a solution for now so that's great.
But you do need to sort this out with your DH.
He can't dictate this.
And he needs to spend some one-on-one time with his DD.
And he needs to let you have some time for YOU!

ElectricMonkey · 22/11/2018 14:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Endofthelinefinally · 22/11/2018 15:03

Ds1 absolutely loved one on one time either of us without his little brother. I think it is very important to make sure this happens regularly so the older one gets a bit of undivided attention.

RiverTam · 22/11/2018 15:11

Electric but you appear to think that this one thing in this little girl's life not going her way is 'mean'. As far as I can see, it's not purposeful on the OP's part, because life goes on and sometimes things don't go as we'd like but it's not a big deal.

It would be mean if the OP deliberately arranged to be doing something every time her DSD came over. And it would be mean if her DP kicked off on each odd occasion that the OP had plans that clashed with her DSD coming over.

This situation is not mean. And soon enough the baby will be old enough to be without her mother for longer periods.

AlexaAmbidextra · 22/11/2018 15:14

I see you’re pulling the BF card which is all well and good except you have multiple other nights throughout the week to schedule your appointments.

Nasty response. If you bothered to read OP’s posts you would see that her appointment is dependent on her friend being available, so no, she doesn’t have multiple either nights to schedule her appointment.

MirriVan · 22/11/2018 15:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

diddl · 22/11/2018 15:20

"Because he's trying to also look out for the interests of his other child, "

I realise that-but Op desperately wanted to have something done & that was a chance for her.

She hadn't deliberately decided to fuck off with the baby to piss him off & upset his daughter!

Tangledweb0 · 22/11/2018 15:24

What is the breastfeeding card Confused
Never heard anything so ridiculous.
I mean basic biology does dictate breastfeeding newborns need to be with their mothers and feed frequently.
Not sure what ‘card’ this is!

MirriVan · 22/11/2018 15:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
QueQue · 22/11/2018 15:41

@JellieEllie I change details so I'm not too identifiable. I do have a 4 week old. Might be a boy, might be a girl!

OP posts:
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