Restricted by days DSD is here...

[QueQue]

I have a 4 week old baby.

Also have a DSD who is here one weekday every week and every other weekend Friday-Sunday.

Husband wants me to never arrange something on these days because it prevents DSD from seeing her sibling.

I haven't arranged anything for the past 4 weeks on these days, and I try my best not to, but next week I have an appointment on the weekday evening. It's not an essential appointment but it's something I do regularly and it's the only day available for 2 weeks.

I've booked it.

DH thinks I'm cruel because DSD will now not see her sibling for a week.

I don't know what to do. I've avoided making appointments for the past 4 weeks, I've not had visitors on these days. They've been dedicated solely to DSD. Surely I need to have a life though and can OCCASIONALLY do something on these days?

Or AIBU?

Could DH do something with her that the baby couldn't go to? Like cinema etc, tell her it's because she's more grown up/bigger or something.

ElectricMonkey Thu 22-Nov-18 12:20:25
I think your dsd will be really disappointed and it's a bit mean tbh

Women must never ever under any circumstances put themselves first. Because that's mean and unwomanly.

and it's really not in any way your place to tell me not to do that.

this is a public discussion forum. You invite response when you post. My response is that you should give over with your claptrap about OP being mean. Because its bollocks.

@StandWithPosie
I actually cannot believe some of the responses here! A post natal mother having to justifyleaving the houseto strangers on the internet so they can decide whether she is entitled to do so. Fuck that shit. She is. No debate to be had

If there is no debate, then why post?

And what’s great about the whole thing is that you don’t have to give a toss what I think, I still get to say it!

Me, elide? Why did I post or why did OP post?

I posted to support OP who isn’t being pressured by her husband.

OP supported because she is being pressured by her husband and made to doubt herself.

YANBU but your husband is.
You can't put your life on hold just because DSD is visiting, get on and live your life in a fashion which is convenient for you.
Your husband is being ridiculous, not to mention controlling.

He and his daughter can enjoy their time together, and I wouldn't be surprised if she were to enjoy that time with her Dad more, once the enthusiasm over a new baby has worn off.

As both children get older there will inevitably be times when events/visits etc clash with DSD contact time, your DH will have to get used to it.

is being pressured by her husband.

Oh I didn’t tell you not to post, just to give over with that rubbish you were spouting.

I'd just make the point that it will be good for DSD to have some 'Dad only' time, as forever more DSD has a younger sibling to share Dad with.

I cant believe people calling OP mean or saying she should compromise....shes compromised for 4 weeks!!

OP i think DSD sounds ever so lovely and although she'll be upset, she will get over it as she will still see DS a few days later. No harm done.

I can understand your DPs point of view but i think maybe it highlights that he's not quite confident in dealing with situations where DSD feels 'let down' and he'd rather avoid the atmosphere altogether (i can see my DH being like this when DD gets older).

so many people bending themselves all out of shape to excuse this man telling his DP what she can and can't do!

Go and get your hair done. You DP can hang out with DSD.

Problem solved. Braider now has an appointment on Monday so I'll be going then instead. I'm not trying to avoid DSD, it's upsetting people might think that! I went out of my way to ask my friend to let me know first if she had a cancellation and thankfully she has. Wish I never started this thread now!

Anyone here with Afro hair willing to explain how box braids when you have newborn can be absolutely life changing?!

Yes YANBU you need to get your hair done girl! You will be saving so much time in the medium term if you have your braids done. Dare I ask but is your DH not black? Only because mine is white and doesn’t understand a lot of the ins and outs of Afro hair.

@brookshelley he's not black, no. I've tried to get him to understand why I use so much conditioner but he just doesn't get it 🤣

Pulling the breastfeeding card?!

Who in their right mind would say this?!! It’s not a card game you know? Babies will die if they are not fed - this is not rocket science - how can you be so ignorant and rude?! The baby is EBF - this means he doesn’t have anything apart from breastmilk - ergo - he cannot leave his mother for long periods of time - this is the fundamental reason why she had to take him. She is also bounded by when her stylist is available - again another restraint.

OP - it’s one appt, go.

If it is just while your DS is a newborn (assuming he is only 4 weeks she would have only seen him a couple of times) then he is only being very slightly unreasonable but you’re still NBU to go.

If he means forevermore now that you have a child together you can’t do anything with your DS when your SD is round then he is being absolutely ridiculous.

In terms of separate activities them even in normal intact family units there will be times when the DC can and should be doing different activities. You only have 2 children - every time you do something with DS means SD gets one on one attention from her Dad. This is not a bad thing and I hope he doesn’t force this issue with you.

*poster KristinaM Thu 22-Nov-18 11:46:01
Pandering this much to an 8 yo is going to cause cause HUGE problems. If everything always goes her way, she’s not going to develop any resilience and this is NOT good for a child. She NEEDS the ability to roll with the punches in life

But this isn’t pandering to the 8yo. It’s pandering to the man who wants his new wife to be around to care for his child so he doesn't have to do it. Because it’s womens work isn’t it. The newborn baby is just an excuse.

Those of you insisting that the OP has to be around to care for her DSD are NOT listening to biological mothers or step children.

They DONT WANT the step mum to do the parenting.

They DONT WANT the kids who live with the dad all the time to hog all the attention.

Listen to then please. Read what HowAbout just posted upthread*

Kristina

I’m listening to the OP. The woman that lives there.

SHE says he’s a good Dad.
SHE says he’s FAR more hands on than she is.
SHE says he takes DD out on his own
SHE says he’s great with DS.

Why are you not listening to HER?

It IS about the 8yo because she follows the OP around, has to be involved with everything with the baby (all quite sweet) and so Daddy wants her every whim indulged in case he upsets her.

That’s NOT good for her.

A small disappointment at not seeing the baby will not hurt her, she’ll see him in a couple of days, but instead of Daddy explaining Op had to go and get her hair done (or frankly do whatever the hell she wants) he’s demanding that 10/30 days a month EVERYTHING revolves around DSD.

HE is pandering to her.

I personally wouldn't change it but of course that's up to you. Both your DP and his DSD need to understand that you and your baby do not jump to their demands and life goes on.

And as a white woman I would never involve myself in anything to do with a black woman and her hair !

Wow people don't half jump to conclusions on here. The OP has clearly said it's nothing to do with her OH not wanting to parent his daughter, it's about DSD being excited about seeing her baby sibling and being disappointed. It's also a leap to suggest that the OH is 'controlling'. He's not telling OP not to go, he's asking her not to. She's still going to her appt so he's obviously not controlling her. I think it's a lot of fuss over a short appt and OP should obviously take her tiny BF baby with her. It's a shame for DSD, maybe she's feeling insecure about the new baby and her relationship with her Dad. I'm sure Dad can put a good spin on it though and have a date night with her.

Sorry I seem to have missed a lot of posts

Op don’t listen to the posters calling you mean etc, how ridiculous. The primary reason your SD is there is to continue having a good relationship with your DP - being included in your family unit is important but not to the point where you aren’t alllowed to leave the house if SD is around, can posters not see how ridiculous that is?