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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu separated parents

164 replies

cpjoli · 20/11/2018 22:43

So as not to drip feed, a background.
Parents are separated and both remarried. Shared custody between both for hslf week each.Mum has a 4 year old with new dh. Mum doesn't work but dh does.
Dad lives with new wife 15 year old step daughter. Both work full time jobs 7am to 5pm.

The 6 year old girl is at dad's house and falls off the mini trampoline and hurts her wrist. In a lot of pain.
Dad and stepmum take her to hospital at 6.30pm. Phone mum who says ok keep me updated. Hospital very busy so still waiting for x-ray at 10pm. Phone mum again who says your problem you deal with it. She's not going to hospital to take over despite both dad and step mum having to work the next day. She says phone in sick I've got a 4 year old to look after.

Dad still at hospital. Step mum gone home to 15 year old dd.

Aibu to think the mum is wrong ?

OP posts:
Dungeondragon15 · 21/11/2018 15:14

Dungeon. You never heard of a packed lunch? hmm. I’d have got some quick food together, my DC’s favourite teddy and a couple of things to keep them occupied and gone to the hospital to be there for them because as a parent that’s what I would want to do.

Of course I have heard of a packed lunch but there don't need to be two adults there for that and why would they need that at 10 p.m anyway?! The father's wife was with them earlier and they could have eaten or bought sandwiches then. As for "favourite teddy" and a couple of things to keep them occupied, do you not think the father would have already taken those things or bought them or his wife could have brought them earlier. She lives with them 50% of the time!

That’s why it feels rather petty to me because it sounds as though some people think the mum shouldn’t go just in case she’s ‘helping’ out her ex!

It's not "just in case" she is helping her ex. That is the only reason for doing it because the DD will not have two parents there if she arrives as he plans to go home. However much you state that the DH is just as much of a parent you obviously don't really think so as if you did you wouldn't see it as benefiting the child if the mother swaps places.

Dungeondragon15 · 21/11/2018 15:15

It's hardly putting himself out to stay at home with his DC who at 10 pm is most likely asleep confused

You don't know that he is at home! That was my point.

MrBirlingsAwfulWife · 21/11/2018 15:21

I’d have got some quick food together, my DC’s favourite teddy and a couple of things to keep them occupied

Which presumably the DF and his DW were perfectly capable of doing?

and gone to the hospital to be there for them because as a parent that’s what I would want to do. But Dorsetdays as you posted, this isn't about you or what you would want to do. Not even the OP has said anything about the DD being upset or needing her DM so there is no need for anyone to be critical of the DM.

Exes can be very supportive and friendly, but respectful boundaries and taking responsibility separately are just as important in making the relationship work and that doesn't mean they are not putting the child's needs first.

Dorsetdays · 21/11/2018 15:29

As I’ve been very clear, I am just explaining what I would do which is what I assume underlies how we generally react to a post.

As a parent I would want to be there for the reasons I stated. Doesn’t mean the father isn’t capable etc it’s just what I would want to do in those circumstances. He also may well not have expected to still be waiting to be seen at 10pm so there’s every possibility he hadn’t brought adequate supplies with him.

As far as I can see from the post the mum had a choice. She could have gone anyway to be there for her DC if she wanted to but chose not to go because she didn’t want to have to relieve her ex of his ‘duties’ and felt it was his problem to deal with. Fair enough, that’s her decision but it doesn’t mean some people wouldn’t question it because it’s not what they would do as a parent.

Dungeondragon15 · 21/11/2018 15:39

As a parent I would want to be there for the reasons I stated. Doesn’t mean the father isn’t capable etc it’s just what I would want to do in those circumstances. He also may well not have expected to still be waiting to be seen at 10pm so there’s every possibility he hadn’t brought adequate supplies with him.

It isn't about what you want though it is about what the child wants/needs and in this case the mother's arrival won't benefit the child in any way, assuming that the father is actually a good parent. It will only benefit the ex which isn't her responsibility. As for "adequate supplies" his wife couldn't have been with him until at least 9.30 so I don't see why they couldn't gave sorted it out between themselves.

Dungeondragon15 · 21/11/2018 15:40

couldn't have been with him could have been with him

MrBirlingsAwfulWife · 21/11/2018 15:49

If you got a call from your ex Dorsetdays saying "Just letting you know DD has hurt her wrist on the trampoline so DW and I are taking her to A&E" would you assume you should jump in the car and go too? Even if DD was fine and Ex was fine?

Dorsetdays · 21/11/2018 16:18

Yep I’d go and be with my DD. In the circs described it would be perfectly possible to do so. Therefore my question is why wouldn’t you?? What else would I do, just go to bed or sit watching TV?

No judgement on anyone else’s parenting decision but that genuinely wouldn’t sit comfortably for me.

MrBirlingsAwfulWife · 21/11/2018 16:31

My point Dorestdays is not about your parenting, but about the dynamics of separated parenting. It's about a whole lot more than what you as DM want.

It's why I mentioned respect and boundaries earlier. It is not possible nor is it healthy for separated parents to do everything together. It is vital that they can co-parent and if possible be civil and friendly when needed. But, for the sake of the DC, each parent must be able and allowed to parent separately. And that includes situations like this one.

There will be a number of instances when having both parents present is in the child's best interests, but this is not one of those. There is nothing in anything the OP says that suggests the DD needed the DM.

Dorsetdays · 21/11/2018 16:51

MrBirlings. You’re entirely free to decide what is appropriate for your DC as I am mine and I think a 6 year old being in a&e is absolutely the right time to co parent.

Not sure I could see a situation where my 6 year old wouldn’t be happy to have both parents with her so actually it is in her best interests to have both of us there and to see her parents, especially if separated, coming together to support her and each other.

That’s normal in my world. Maybe not inyours and that’s your choice.

Dungeondragon15 · 21/11/2018 17:00

Not sure I could see a situation where my 6 year old wouldn’t be happy to have both parents with her so actually it is in her best interests to have both of us there and to see her parents, especially if separated, coming together to support her and each other.

I don't think that many 6 years would particularly care if one or both parents were there if they just sprained a wrist assuming that they were both good parents. Indeed if they have separated and she is used to spending time with them not together she may prefer it that way. OP says that the DD is perfectly happy with her dad and if she wasn't it would have been more appropriate for her to arrive soon after the event not several hours later. The reason the father wants her to go now is just to swap places.

Dorsetdays · 21/11/2018 17:04

Dungeon. Trust me I think I know my DD slightly better than you Wink and she would definitely prefer both my DH and I to be there if we could.

Also knowing my family and friends as well as I do I can say it’s a pretty normal thing for both parents to be there if one of our DC ends up in hospital. Clearly not the case for you and, as I say, that’s your choice. It doesn’t make my choices or what I feel is appropriate, wrong.

Dorsetdays · 21/11/2018 17:07

And the only time I can imagine any 6 year old NOT wanting both her parents at hospital with her if they are separated is if she knows there are issues between them which could create an argument/ tension etc.

Pretty sad in my view that any 6 year old would have to deal with that.

Dungeondragon15 · 21/11/2018 17:12

Trust me I think I know my DD slightly better than you wink and she would definitely prefer both my DH and I to be there if we could.

But we are talking about six year olds in general with parents who have separated. You aren't separated so what you would do if your DD had a sprained wrist isn't really relevant.

Also knowing my family and friends as well as I do I can say it’s a pretty normal thing for both parents to be there if one of our DC ends up in hospital

Obviously it's normal for both parents to be there if a DC is seriously injured or admitted to hospital for any other reason. However, it is pretty normal for only one parent to there if a child visits A&E for something as minor as a sprained wrist. Having been to A&E a couple of times recently almost all children were only accompanied by one parent.

Dungeondragon15 · 21/11/2018 17:14

And the only time I can imagine any 6 year old NOT wanting both her parents at hospital with her if they are separated is if she knows there are issues between them which could create an argument/ tension etc.

They might just be a well adjusted mature 6 year old who is quite happy with only one parent at a time as that is what they are used to.

Dorsetdays · 21/11/2018 17:16

Stil free to make my own parenting decision though and apply it to my response Wink

What would you have done instead of being with your DD in that situation? Watched TV? As I said before, there will always be times when you can’t both be there but when it’s perfectly feasible to go (and especially when your ex is specifically asking if you could relieve them as they have work at 7am) why would you deliberately say “no thanks, your problem, I’m watching I’m a celeb”?!

Let’s just hope the DC wasn’t within earshot of that phone conversation as I imagine it would make them feel pretty shitty.

Dorsetdays · 21/11/2018 17:19

Dungeon. They’re 6 ffs...how ‘mature’ do you think they’re going to be?? Confused

Most 6 year olds should be oblivious to any issues between their parents so why wouldn’t they be happy with both of them there?

What a weird point to try and make...

MrBirlingsAwfulWife · 21/11/2018 17:20

Dorsetdays no one has said that the DD wouldn't have been happy to have both parents there.

But that wasn't what was being suggested.

The DF was planning on passing over his responsibility to his ex leaving the DM in sole charge. The DF has 50 50 shared care. He can't just pass it over when it's not convenient.

The DM wasn't allowing her DD to suffer in order to make a point. She was simply sticking to the boundaries and thereby making sure the DF fulfilled his responsibilities.

MrBirlingsAwfulWife · 21/11/2018 17:25

And I will say again- there is no suggestion that the DD was in anyway unhappy being looked after by her DF.

Dorsetdays · 21/11/2018 17:26

Think we may have to agree to disagree clearly.

To me it’s weird that any parent would have the option of supporting their young child in a&e (who the OP said is clearly in pain etc) but would choose not to because it’s not their “turn”. Doesn’t matter who else is or isn’t there, if you can easily be there I simply don’t understand why you’d choose to sit at home instead.

Still, it takes all sorts I suppose...Hmm

Dungeondragon15 · 21/11/2018 17:27

Most 6 year olds should be oblivious to any issues between their parents so why wouldn’t they be happy with both of them there?k to boundaries which is what she was doing.

It didn't say that they would be unhappy for them both to be there. I am saying that they might be perfectly happy for just one to be there if that is what they are used to. The child isn't seriously injured and according to OP is perfectly happy with the father. He just wants his x there so he can go.

bridgetjonesmassivepants · 21/11/2018 17:31

Am the only one who thinks this is really sad? It reads like the parents are bickering over who stays with the injured child. Poor girl.

MinecraftHolmes · 21/11/2018 17:36

It doesn't requite two parents to take the child to the hospital for that. Yes, both parents may want to make sure the child is ok, but it's not a requirement that they're both in the hospital for a sprained wrist.

With separated families it's often important that there's not a tendency for one parent (usually the mother, especially if a SAHM) to become the default parent who is on call even when the child is with their other parent - so it's not as simple as dropping everything to let the parent in charge to go home when it's "their time".

Dorsetdays · 21/11/2018 17:38

Bridgetjones. Not at all, I totally agree with you. As I said earlier, I just hope that the 6 year old child didn’t overhear that phone conversation between her parents.

Can’t fathom how parenting becomes something you clock on and off for Confused

Looneytune253 · 21/11/2018 17:39

Nooo it’s defo dads responsibility though step mum doesn’t need to be there to be fair. Mum can’t take the 4 year old along to hosp.