Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu separated parents

164 replies

cpjoli · 20/11/2018 22:43

So as not to drip feed, a background.
Parents are separated and both remarried. Shared custody between both for hslf week each.Mum has a 4 year old with new dh. Mum doesn't work but dh does.
Dad lives with new wife 15 year old step daughter. Both work full time jobs 7am to 5pm.

The 6 year old girl is at dad's house and falls off the mini trampoline and hurts her wrist. In a lot of pain.
Dad and stepmum take her to hospital at 6.30pm. Phone mum who says ok keep me updated. Hospital very busy so still waiting for x-ray at 10pm. Phone mum again who says your problem you deal with it. She's not going to hospital to take over despite both dad and step mum having to work the next day. She says phone in sick I've got a 4 year old to look after.

Dad still at hospital. Step mum gone home to 15 year old dd.

Aibu to think the mum is wrong ?

OP posts:
Howhot · 20/11/2018 23:39

It's a painful wrist and the child has her dad with her. Why do both parents need to be there?? Or do you mean so dad can go home and get a nice nights sleep and go to his obviously very important job the next day? Hmm The mum is not BU at all. It's dad's contact time, DD will be fine and he needs to deal with it.

SD1978 · 20/11/2018 23:39

Ah...."am I being I reasonable"?
"Yes"
"Well I'm not and expected everyone to join in, so off for strop now"
"And asking for thread to be deleted as its outing with my 'niche' situation"...........
Sorry! Couldn't help it 😂😂😂

ohreallyohreallyoh · 20/11/2018 23:40

If the ex’s partner works nights/evenings/late, she may not have childcare.

AmyDowdensLeftLeftShoe · 20/11/2018 23:47

OP you are being sexist.

I have brothers and 80% of the people I work with are men. If one of my brothers or my male colleagues had a child who injured themselves and they took them to hospital but didn't stay I would lose my shit with them.

Luckily the only 4 men I've been or I am acquainted with whose children attended A&E didn't do that. One had a daughter who is even an adult and he left work ASAP losing a days pay.

Seeingadistance · 20/11/2018 23:48

There is no need for mum to be there. She's asked to be kept updated so she's aware of what's happening.

As pp said, dad does have to be there to tell the hospital staff what happened.

MyShinyWhiteTeeth · 21/11/2018 00:28

From the OP - it really sounds like the dad was trying to palm off his child onto his ex wife as it was getting a bit late and the OP think she should take over.

NotAnotherParkingFine · 21/11/2018 01:24

No one said No one wanted to be with her!!! Well the dad thinks the mum should be the one at the hospital and the mum thinks the dad should be the one at the hospital, so it sounds very much to me like neither of them want to be there.

cheesefield · 21/11/2018 01:40

.

MsHopey · 21/11/2018 06:43

When DS was in hospital (he was only 4mo and had severe vomiting and needed a drip to keep him hydrated) me and DH both wanted to stay but hospital policy was only one parent was allowed to stay. We actually spent a long time deciding as neither of us wanted to leave him. The nurse even mentioned she hears people arguing over who gets to leave more times than they hear people arguing about who gets to stay. That was depressing.

Blanchedupetitpois · 21/11/2018 06:50

I don’t understand why you’re judging the Mum for not being there, but not judging the dad for the fact that he wants to leave? Especially when Mum has to look after a 4 year old!

It’s dad’s responsibility, I don’t think he’s at all entitled to expect his ex to drag her 4yo out of bed and go and take over just because he doesn’t fancy being there anymore.

I would also take his reports of what his ex said about it with a shovel of salt.

Spiderdemon · 21/11/2018 07:01

I agree with most of you. How about, though, if the 6 year old was meant to be back with mum that evening as it was the last day before they swapped? Still think dad should stay - but it might make his request more understandable if he was planning to prep work that night, or if his shift starts at 6am or something. In that case the mum would have possibly needed to come and take her DD home that night anyway once she's discharged.

And the 4 year old is asleep at her home so her own dad can look after her.

HugeAckmansWife · 21/11/2018 07:03

Also the thing about not wanting to be there is a red herring
. It's a sore wrist, nothing life threatening. Part of being a divorced parent is learning that you can't be there all the time and have to give up 'control' when the kids are with the ex. It means missing out on Xmas, birthdays. It means accepting the kids might do /watch stuff you'd prefer they didn't but is exs contact time so their say. The same is true here. It's the dads time so he is in charge. If the mum had been told and rushed down there because dad's care somehow wasn't good enough there'd be hell to pay. There's no point saying 'if they were still together then x' because they aren't and it works differently.

shaggedthruahedgebackwards · 21/11/2018 07:06

Sounds like both the parents BU

I feel sorry for the 6yo who is clearly no one's priority

Fuckimdoingaphd · 21/11/2018 07:08

Why shouldn’t the dad stay? He’s the parent in charge when the accident happened. He deals with the consequences.

This mum has to be there because she’s mum that gets trotted out as soon as kids are sick is bollocks.

HugeAckmansWife · 21/11/2018 07:23

It's bit that she's not the priority I'm. Sure but as a single working parentnits a massive ball ache if something like this happens to one of mine because I have to leave work (which someone else must cover, I can't just walk off) and arrange care for my other kids and so on. Of course you do it but it's a massive hassle. That doesn't mean you don't care or the child isn't a priority but in this situation the parent with care is trying to palm it off.

Miscible · 21/11/2018 07:27

*So who should look after the 4 year old while the mum goes to hospital? As her DH also has to work the next day.(

Why does the fact that a parent have to go to work the next day prevent him from looking after a 4 year old overnight, BinglyBungly?

Dorsetdays · 21/11/2018 07:38

I can see where you’re coming from OP. This isn’t really about who’s ‘turn’ it is in terms of shared care. This is about two parents jointly making a sensible decision due to an unexpectedly late night and one them having to work the next morning.

If they were still together not sure many people would agree it’s reasonable for the parent who has to be at work at 7am to be the one at hospital until the small hours when they could reasonably swap over.

Sounds rather petty to me.

chunkychunk · 21/11/2018 07:46

I’m with the mum. Even if they were still married it’s likely only one parent would have gone due to looking after the 4 yo.
I had to go to A&E alone because I didn’t really want to take young dd there and so dh stayed at home. I know it’s not the same as a dc but as long as I trusted dh could take care of things then I would leave it.

Working ft has nothing to do with this scenario. If an accident happens and you end up having a late night, call in sick if it’s that bad. I’ve personally had to tell someone to go home before after hearing they’d been up all night at a&e with their dc. I’ve also personally worked ft and been up all night and back in the next day because that’s kind of what happens with kids sometimes...

Graphista · 21/11/2018 08:11

Dads job to see the incident through. Not just because it happened on his time but if there's any questions need answered re exactly what happened then mum isn't going to be able to answer. Mum also won't know what hospital has and hasn't already been told, what they've told dad already etc. No, ridiculous expecting mum to just "take over" not practical or responsible.

Basic parenting - sometimes you need to take time of work if child sick or injured.

Even IF mum were to go to comfort the child & reassure herself dad needs to stay to maintain continuity of communication as previously stated.

In this scenario in my family it would probably have to be dad anyway as mum faints at sight of blood or weird looking limbs. Dad was better at dealing, mum tended to panic and make the injured child more stressed.

Sex of the parent is largely irrelevant, some people are good at dealing others aren't.

"I would also take his reports of what his ex said about it with a shovel of salt." Definitely - particularly given he seems to think it's not his responsibility past X time.

Dorsetdays · 21/11/2018 08:20

The DC isn’t unconscious for goodness sake! It’s a possible fracture so it’s not exactly going to take long for the DH to explain to the mum what happened (I very much doubt that he would have witnessed it anyway so would probably only be repeating what the DC said - these things happen in a flash).

When I read these threads I’m just grateful that my partner and I aren’t so petty that one of us would insist the other stayed there if they had to be up early for work and the person at home didn’t.

Dungeondragon15 · 21/11/2018 08:22

I totally agree with the mother. The accident happened on the dad's watch and it is his responsibility to deal with it. The comments about mothers should want to be with their child are ridiculously sexist. This is a six year old who has "hurt" her wrist. She isn't in intensive care and the fact that she has waited so long means that it isn't considered very serious so why would she need both parents at her side? One parent is fine.

Dungeondragon15 · 21/11/2018 08:25

When I read these threads I’m just grateful that my partner and I aren’t so petty that one of us would insist the other stayed there if they had to be up early for work and the person at home didn’t.

The mum isn't his "partner" though. She is his ex so why should she care about him being a bit tired at work the next day?

HugeAckmansWife · 21/11/2018 08:25

But they aren't partners, they are ex partners. It simply doesn't work the same in most cases.

MrBirlingsAwfulWife · 21/11/2018 08:26

OP seemed to be basing her judgement on the fact that the dm doesn't work and should have been considerate to the df who does work.

I wonder if OP has considered that this decision is a financial one taken by the dm and her dh.

I'm pretty sure the ex makes no financial contribution to support his ex being a sahm but seems to expect to benefit from it e.g. by having the dm take over at a and e. No doubt the 6 year old will be looked after by her dm if she's off school today (or any other day) saving the df from having to to take time off work!! He should be bloody grateful not demanding she takes over from him so he can sleep.

Dorsetdays · 21/11/2018 08:27

Ummm because we’re all adults? Unless there’s a massive backstory here then that’s just being a bit of a dick.

They still parent together and therefore need to support each other as well.

Gosh...just reinforces what I said about being thankful! Smile

Swipe left for the next trending thread