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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu separated parents

164 replies

cpjoli · 20/11/2018 22:43

So as not to drip feed, a background.
Parents are separated and both remarried. Shared custody between both for hslf week each.Mum has a 4 year old with new dh. Mum doesn't work but dh does.
Dad lives with new wife 15 year old step daughter. Both work full time jobs 7am to 5pm.

The 6 year old girl is at dad's house and falls off the mini trampoline and hurts her wrist. In a lot of pain.
Dad and stepmum take her to hospital at 6.30pm. Phone mum who says ok keep me updated. Hospital very busy so still waiting for x-ray at 10pm. Phone mum again who says your problem you deal with it. She's not going to hospital to take over despite both dad and step mum having to work the next day. She says phone in sick I've got a 4 year old to look after.

Dad still at hospital. Step mum gone home to 15 year old dd.

Aibu to think the mum is wrong ?

OP posts:
Dungeondragon15 · 21/11/2018 12:02

Dungeon. Why would she drag her 4 year old out of bed? She has a DH who is the father of said 4 year old.

We don't know that her DH is there. He could be out or perhaps even working.

I’m assuming he’s capabale of looking after the child for a few hours while she deals with her other DC?

Ironic that you think that fathers should be capable of looking after their children's for a few hours but at the same time you don't think the mothers ex should do it!

Dungeondragon15 · 21/11/2018 12:05

By backstory I meant if there’s a history of the exDH not stepping up and taking responsibility etc.

Why should that be the back story? I'm guessing that most people aren't best friends with their ex and given that why should they worry about them losing a couple of hours sleep?

Dungeondragon15 · 21/11/2018 12:11

It's highly likely that the 4 year old would be asleep at a reasonable time so there's no reason why the husband couldn't look after them considering sleeping DC don't need much interaction. All this drama about dragging the 4 year old out to A&E when there's no reason why they can't stay in bed with their Dad at home.

How do you know he is at home? Why should he put himself out so that his wifes ex doesn't miss out on a couple of hours sleep. In fact why should the mother potentially lose out on sleep so her ex doesn't have to?

thepoorestoftherichteabiscuits · 21/11/2018 12:17

The only excuse for the mum not to be there is if she lives a long distance away, as the injury isn't that serious, or there's no-one to look after her child.

It happened on the dad's time but she shouldn't be taking over from him. It doesn't matter if they can't stand each other, it's a young child so both parents should be there as it sends a message that they both care enough to stay. Otherwise it looks like the child's a massive inconvenience that they'd rather not have.

Dungeondragon15 · 21/11/2018 12:21

The only excuse for the mum not to be there is if she lives a long distance away, as the injury isn't that serious, or there's no-one to look after her child.

There is no suggestion that the injury is serious or the child is particularly distressed. She would have been triaged and the fact that she is still waiting for an extra after four hours suggests they don't think it a serious fracture. The ex wants the mother there entirely for his own benefit so that he can go home.

Dungeondragon15 · 21/11/2018 12:21

extra x ray

thepoorestoftherichteabiscuits · 21/11/2018 12:27

There is no suggestion that the injury is serious or the child is particularly distressed

I wasn't saying there was Confused. I said because it's not serious if the mum lived a long way away then fair enough if she didn't go. If it was a serious illness then I'd expect parents to go regardless of distance.

I'm also making a general point rather than just related to this specific case.

pleasesleepinyourownbed · 21/11/2018 12:59

GrinGrin how did the post end up with OP saying she was receiving abuse & flouncing. All over her "cousins" child? Okay... Hmm

Dungeondragon15 · 21/11/2018 13:04

I said because it's not serious if the mum lived a long way away then fair enough if she didn't go.

I know what you said. My point is that if it is not a serious injury it doesn't matter where the mother lives. There is no need for both parents to be there.

UserName31456789 · 21/11/2018 13:07

I don't think the mum needed to come out at all (unless the child was distressed and wanted both parents there). From the sound of the OP the dad only wanted the mum to come so he could get a few hours extra sleep before work, not for the benefit of their child. What if the DD had just been up sick in the night? Or had nightmares and couldn't sleep? Would he want her dropped back home so he could be rested for work? The sleepless nights are just part of being a parent. If it falls on his contact time he deals with it.

UserName31456789 · 21/11/2018 13:07

Even if the DM had come out to the hospital the DD wouldn't have had both parents there as the DD would have gone back home to bed - so either way she'll only have one parent with her.

thepoorestoftherichteabiscuits · 21/11/2018 13:08

There is no need to be there, but I would certainly expect both to be there (if possible) which was my point.

I come from a divorced family and that's what my parents did and it would upset me if one of them couldn't be bothered to come, regardless of how trivial.

Dorsetdays · 21/11/2018 13:39

As I said previously...all a little petty.

And not sure why ex’s can’t be supportive of each other is is it just on MN that that’s such an odd suggestion?! Confused

Dungeondragon15 · 21/11/2018 13:51

And not sure why ex’s can’t be supportive of each other is is it just on MN that that’s such an odd suggestion?!

Noone is saying that they can't be supportive of each other though. If they want to be that is great. I just don't think that they have an obligation. I don't have an ex or any particular axe to grind but I would have thought that someone is an ex for a reason and exes shouldn't be expected to help each other out in a way that friends or family might.

Dungeondragon15 · 21/11/2018 13:53

I come from a divorced family and that's what my parents did and it would upset me if one of them couldn't be bothered to come, regardless of how trivial.

I come from a non divorced family and it wouldn't have occurred to me that both parents would need to be at the hospital with me for a minor injury. Both my parents would good parents and they were both quite capable of comforting me.

Dorsetdays · 21/11/2018 14:00

Dungeon. I totally disagree. I do think ex’s should support each other especially when they have shared responsibility for a child and think it’s really sad that so many adults can’t put their DC first to do that.

Not a chance that I wouldn’t have been on my way to the hospital. My child is hurt, in pain and most probably upset (and tired by 10pm) my natural instinct as a parent is to be there with them regardless of who else is there.

With just one parent there it’s also pretty impossible to go and get either yourself or the DC a drink or food so even if you’re just going for support in that sense it would be a help.

Dungeondragon15 · 21/11/2018 14:20

Dungeon. I totally disagree. I do think ex’s should support each other especially when they have shared responsibility for a child and think it’s really sad that so many adults can’t put their DC first to do that.

I totally agree that they should put their DC's first. To me that involves being polite and communicating for the benefit of their child. However, I don't think the parents swapping around in this case in any way benefits the DC. It just benefits the father as he will get a couple of hours more sleep. Assuming they are both good parents it won't make any difference to the DC.

Not a chance that I wouldn’t have been on my way to the hospital. My child is hurt, in pain and most probably upset (and tired by 10pm) my natural instinct as a parent is to be there with them regardless of who else is there.

Would your DH be the same or is it just something you think mothers should do? In this case you are actually just suggesting the mother stays and the father goes. They won't both be there so unless you think that men aren't very good parents why do you think the mother should swap places?

With just one parent there it’s also pretty impossible to go and get either yourself or the DC a drink or food so even if you’re just going for support in that sense it would be a help.

What are you talking about? There will very probably be vending machines in A&E so not impossible to get a drink while waiting. Most other places would be shut by 10.30 anyway.

Dorsetdays · 21/11/2018 14:27

I’d rather not feed my DC from a vending machine but that’s just personal preference I suppose.

Never said it was only mums that should or would do this. I’m just saying what I would do (and also what my DH would do if we’d been in the same situation).

Both parents in this situation have partners who could care for their respective DC at home so no reason why they couldn’t both be there if they wanted to. Think that’s the crux of it for me....if they wanted to and clearly the DM in this situation didn’t.

Dungeondragon15 · 21/11/2018 14:43

I’d rather not feed my DC from a vending machine but that’s just personal preference I suppose.

What else do you think will be open in the hospital at 10p.m.!

Never said it was only mums that should or would do this. I’m just saying what I would do (and also what my DH would do if we’d been in the same situation).

I assume you have only one child or perhaps no children then? If you have two or more would it really be fair to keep the other child up because their sibling was in A&E with a probable sprained wrist?

Both parents in this situation have partners who could care for their respective DC at home so no reason why they couldn’t both be there if they wanted to. Think that’s the crux of it for me....if they wanted to and clearly the DM in this situation didn’t.

You don't actually know that she could go there as you don't know where her DH is. I actually think it is ridiculous to think that both parents need to be there for something minor. The child is six not a baby who doesn't know what is going on and they probably just have a sprained wrist.

Feefeetrixabelle · 21/11/2018 14:43

Dads time dads issue to deal with. They both didn’t need to stay and dad could have taken the next day off if needed.

Dorsetdays · 21/11/2018 14:55

Dungeon. You never heard of a packed lunch? Hmm. I’d have got some quick food together, my DC’s favourite teddy and a couple of things to keep them occupied and gone to the hospital to be there for them because as a parent that’s what I would want to do.

Therefore it would have made no odds to me whether my ex decided to stay or go home and get some sleep before he had work in the morning, because I would have wanted to be there for my DC anyway. That’s why it feels rather petty to me because it sounds as though some people think the mum shouldn’t go just in case she’s ‘helping’ out her ex!

I actually have two DC and clearly there have been times when only my DH or I can be somewhere together with one of them. However, we’re not talking about me, we’re talking about the OP’s situation where there were other DP’s who could look after the other children.

If my DH was out and I had to take one of our DC to a&e and i didn’t want/couldn’t take the other DC, he’d have come home and taken over that responsibility. Not sure why the new DH couldn’t have done the same if he wasn’t already at home at 10pm. The 6 year old is his step daughter so you’d expect him to want to enable his wife to be there if she had wanted to. Clearly she didn’t.

PoesyCherish · 21/11/2018 14:55

Why should he put himself out so that his wifes ex doesn't miss out on a couple of hours sleep. In fact why should the mother potentially lose out on sleep so her ex doesn't have to?

It's hardly putting himself out to stay at home with his DC who at 10 pm is most likely asleep Confused God help the DC if you think you're being put out by being home with your DC at 10 pm. I just think since the mother doesn't have to work the next day and the father does (or vice versa if that was the case!) then the mother should take over

Purpleartichoke · 21/11/2018 14:57

I would want to be at the hospital with my kid, but I absolutely would expect dad to be in charge and present since it is his custody time.

UserName31456789 · 21/11/2018 15:01

Lots of people are saying DC should have two parents there (and I would probably want that for my DC too) but in this case it obviously wasn't an option to have two parents there. If DM had shown up DF was going to go home to bed so he wouldn't be tired at work.

UserName31456789 · 21/11/2018 15:02

I also think it would be madness to drag a 4 year old out of bed (assuming the dad wasn't available to care for them) to go to hospital for a sprained wrist. That's unfair on the younger child.