Aibu separated parents

[cpjoli]

So as not to drip feed, a background.
Parents are separated and both remarried. Shared custody between both for hslf week each.Mum has a 4 year old with new dh. Mum doesn't work but dh does.
Dad lives with new wife 15 year old step daughter. Both work full time jobs 7am to 5pm.

The 6 year old girl is at dad's house and falls off the mini trampoline and hurts her wrist. In a lot of pain.
Dad and stepmum take her to hospital at 6.30pm. Phone mum who says ok keep me updated. Hospital very busy so still waiting for x-ray at 10pm. Phone mum again who says your problem you deal with it. She's not going to hospital to take over despite both dad and step mum having to work the next day. She says phone in sick I've got a 4 year old to look after.

Dad still at hospital. Step mum gone home to 15 year old dd.

Aibu to think the mum is wrong ?

Part of being a divorced parent is learning that you can't be there all the time and have to give up 'control' when the kids are with the ex. It means missing out on Xmas, birthdays. It means accepting the kids might do /watch stuff you'd prefer they didn't but is exs contact time so their say

Very well put. It's not a case of 'doesn't care', it's just a case of learning to manage when children who live across two households. It's a minefield and difficult to get right. I particularly dislike the assumption that the ex must be able to help out - who knows what she was doing? Could have been out herself, partner could have been at work, she may not have felt very well, who knows?! Few parents in together relationships would both drop everything for a sore wrist.

Dorsetdays the df takes advantage of his ex being a sahm which as I pointed out above he almost certainly doesn't support financially but is happy to benefit from himself so he doesn't lose work.

To be fair to Mum it sounds like daughter has sprained her wrist. Dad should be able to comfort daughter and get it checked out to be on the safe side.

Unfortunately part of having kids is sometimes things like this happen and you have to either suck it up and go into work like a zombie or call in and tell them you can’t come in.

If my child was upset and wanted me- 100% I would be there, but if it’s “dad wants to go work tomorrow” but my child is ok and not distressed I would leave dad to it.

I wonder what happens when child gets flu/chicken pox etc?

MrBirlings. A whole lot of assumptions being made there...not sure how you know so much about their personal financial setup?

I don’t see it quite as black and white as some of you, it’s about two parents supporting each other, as well as their DC, as best they can whether they live together or not.

Ummm because we’re all adults? Unless there’s a massive backstory here then that’s just being a bit of a dick.

There doesn't have to be a massive backstory as the wife is hardly making him suffer some terrible fate. She just isn't going to drag her four year old out of bed so that he doesn't feel a bit tired the next day. He isn't doing anything most working parents don't do from time to time.

A whole lot of assumptions being made there...not sure how you know so much about their personal financial setup?

I think that if custody is 50:50 then neither parent pays the other maintenance so it isn't a huge assumption.

The mum is being unreasonable, firstly for not desperately wanting to be with her daughter who’s in a lot of pain and probably very frightened. If that was me I’d be rushing there to be with my child. In fact I’d judge any mother who didn’t. I can’t get past this tbh.

No Dorsetdays I made only one assumption I.e. that the df does not contribute financially to enable ex to be a sahm. Life experience tells me that this is almost certainly the case. I accept there maybe exceptional circumstances but they would highly unlikely.

Posted too soon. It doesn’t matter what the parents want or need here. All that matters is that the child has access to as much comfort and support as possible.

Deadbudgie ffs. Even the OP doesn't claim the child was desperate for her mum!
The question was purely about allowing the df to go home to bed

Of course it is the dad's responsibility - but I would have gone to the hospital at 6.30pm. Mum has a 4 year old with new husband - he could have looked after the 4 year old. I think its appalling the parents are arguing over who HAS to look after this little girl. She's in pain and neither of her parents want to stay with her. Poor girl - what awful parents.

Mum has a 4 year old with new husband - he could have looked after the 4 year old

Oh the irony! So the df of the 4 year old is capable of sole care but the df of the 6 year old isn't?

The child has hurt her wrist and even the OP doesn't suggest she us in a distressed state.

One of my children had an accident the other day and needed to go to a and e. My husband took them while I stayed with the baby. I did feel awful and wanted to go but it was more for me than them as they are equally comfortable with both parents (eg will go to either of us for comfort if falls over) and it was best I stayed at home with the baby who is still young enough to prefer me and needed breastfeeding etc. Just to give you a different perspective. If they had been crying for their mum it might have been different

I can come at it from this angle.

I have three DC with my exh and one newborn baby with DP. We live 40 miles from exH. If one of my DC were injured during his contact time, I would have to take my newborn baby 80 miles round trip just to sit in the hospital waiting with them? And that would be fair?

Unless it’s a serious hospitalisation then it’s down to the dad to sit with his DD. If a serious hospitalisation then of course any parent would want and need to be with their child but a minor injury, it’s down to the dad.

All this over a sprained wrist?

Dad's problem. I must admit in mum's place I would have wanted to be there with my girl but it doesn't sound like a bad injury and the girl wouldn't have been kept in long. Interesting family dynamics though, please let us know how she gets on. I hope her wrist isn't broken.

Hi OP👋🏼

I assume you are Stepmum in this situation?

You are being VVV unreasonable.

I assume you are Stepmum in this situation?
Apparently OP is the DF's cousin and was given a detailed account of proceedings as they happened .

Not seen a flounce for a while

Poor kid. Neither parent wants to deal with her.

@MissWimpyDimple and @MrBirlingsAwfulWife - I've been the kid's aunt in similar situations but my brothers' aren't CFs who think it's their wives sole responsibility to look after their children, so it could easily be another relation not the stepmother.

In fact it would be my brothers' taking time of work to look after their child due to their wives jobs.

@OutPinked having a newborn is completely different to having a 4 year old.

It's highly likely that the 4 year old would be asleep at a reasonable time so there's no reason why the husband couldn't look after them considering sleeping DC don't need much interaction. I really think the Mum should've come to the hospital and taken over. Dad needs to work the next day Mum doesn't. All this drama about dragging the 4 year old out to A&E when there's no reason why they can't stay in bed with their Dad at home.

Misses point of thread but isn't it a bit quick that Mum has a 6 year old with ex and then has a 4 year old with new DH?

The now flounced OP is clearly unreasonable.
However, search suggests she has some kind of health anxiety - posted about pulling a sickie becayse she was stressed about husband having non emergency surgery.
In that context, I can see why she wouldn’t understand this mother going to the hospital - I think her calibration for such things is a bit off average.

Dungeon. Why would she drag her 4 year old out of bed? She has a DH who is the father of said 4 year old. I’m assuming he’s capabale of looking after the child for a few hours while she deals with her other DC?

By backstory I meant if there’s a history of the exDH not stepping up and taking responsibility etc.