To not 'do' Dsis' hen activity?

[henhelppls]

DSis is getting married next year and I'm one of two bridesmaids. Despite me having postnatal depression, a young baby, a pre schooler with ASD and living over 100 miles away I've just been told that I should be organising the hen do. DSis then created a WhatsApp group with all the people she wants to come (over fifteen) and left.

She's told me that she wants to do a certain activity during the day, then a certain type of food thing, then drinking.

I'm overweight and really, really nervous about the activity. It's quite strenuous. I don't want to do it, I don't think I actually could it even if I wanted to. But I obviously don't want to let DSis down and to give her what she wants.

AIBU to ask to skip this bit?

Actually AIBU to say to the WhatsApp group 'this is all a bit difficult for me to organise from so far away, could somebody help me please?'

I think you should talk to your sister separately let her know how you feel and let her choose some people to organise it she can then contact them separately and ask them to get things going on the WhatsApp group x if you feel anxious about doing a particular activity don’t do it just say you will sit and watch just try and be positive about it

It's so awkward because the day is NOT about me. So I sound like an arsehole.

I'd suggest she ask someone else to arrange if, you've got enough on your plate.
Who's the other bridesmaid? Can they take on some of the planning?

YADNBU to not want to do the activity

This is not going to go down well. I can tell.

Can the other bridesmaid split the organising with you? I would go to the activity and not do it- say you’ll be the photographer or something

Does she have a venue/location already picked, or is it up to you to find one?

Bride or bride. Sister or not.
You do not have to do anything you son not want or that makes you feel uncomfortable.

OP it doesn't matter if it "goes down well" or not. You cannot do it. There is another bridesmaid. Ask her direct or speak to SIL. You do not have to do something which is going to make your life harder. Offer to HELP the other bridesmaid, go but opt out of the activity, but do not be bullied into compliance

What is the activity?

Thanks so much for replying, it just all feels so awkward. I think I'll just be really honest with everyone about where I'm at.

You don't sound like an arsehole at all! When my sister got engaged last year I gave her the heads up that i didn't want to be a bridesmaid but if it important to her I would (thankfully she wasn't too bothered) but I also said that i couldn't plan a hen do and was unlikely to attended (depression, anxiety, t total etc) it's not strange for me as I'm not overly social and she was fine, even though she's generally a narcicist and full of self importance so your dsis may surprise you. If she has a tantrum leave her to it she will get over it quickly enough

Your DSiS is being a bridezilla. Either you are in charge of arranging hen do your way or she finds someone with time and energy to do it her way and dictates to them. Is she always this self-absorbed?

YANBU to not participate in the activity. It depends on your relationship but if close I think YABU if you don’t attend the hen. Organise it for her, go but don’t book yourself into the activity. Appoint yourself photographer instead.
If it’s fairly active- paintball? Rock climbing? - you’ll find others opt out- there’s always a few who’re pregnant or ill or some other reason at hens.
Also message her other bridesmaid and divide the duties up more fairly. Offer to organise the meal - always a pain due to people having millions of weird dietary requirements-, drinks and hotel (if needed). Say you’ll do a funny photo album if she does the other obligatory hen stuff - sash/ badges/ presents and all that rubbish.
Make everyone contribute- at mine and most of my friends’ we all had to bring a small gift to help with married life. These ranged from Ann Summers to oven gloves

I think fretting about an activity that's taking place a YEAR away when you're not in the best place now is a waste of energy.

Organise what she wants and see how you feel in a years time. If you don't want to do it on the day don't.

Drawing attention to yourself and your issues might come across at bit bridesmaidzillaish.

Just say you've got so much on atm with the dc and that you're not feeling up to organising it.

What's the activity? Surely your sister knows that you're not up to doing it? Seems a bit insensitive to organise something that not everyone can partake in.

I'm going to try and keep from saying anything to DSis and appeal directly to the WhatsApp group (which I do feel she kinda dumped me in) for help.

DSis has no kids so doesn't 100% get how full my brain is atm.

It's not a year away @WipsGlitter, it's next year. Next year is just over a month away.

Can you be the person who does the admin thing for it even if you don't participate in the actual activity. I was in a very similar position to you for my sister's hen do, so i made sure i was the person who collected deposits, was the contact for the venues etc.

It was a bloody nightmare actually as her friends (who i don't really know) are v non committal and kept changing their minds, but it worked out ok in the end.

I get you want to be anon but if you post or pm location, budget and activity, the power of MN will help.
I for one love organising stuff

It's a specific activity which requires you to run/climb/jump etc. And wear specialist safety wear - which I don't think would fit me.

Sorry @henhelppls that wasn't clear.

Do you know the rest of the group? Are they likely to be difficult/ flaky?

I'd sent an intro message "hi I'm the brides sister I am organising the hen night this is what is planned I hope that's okay with everyone thank you"

The hopefully just make three phone calls booking the activity, drinks the meal. Confirm the price and paying arrangements with people.

And as I said if you don't want to the activity on the day don't do it.

Don't take any nonsense from people.

Definitely don't worry about the activity. Just don't do it, don't make a huge issue out of it. In week or so just update her on what's happening and mention it then

Are you the only bridesmaid?

OP- I’m not intending to be funny but you don’t sound particularly happy about being a bridesmaid. Your OP sounds like you’re begrudging your Dsis for ‘putting this on you’ given how much else is going on in your life! You’d be better to just lay out to your sis that it’s too much and deal with it than keep doing a half arsed job and resenting it.

Was your Dsis a bridesmaid for you? Had she done lots for you in the past? The answer to that may tip you off to how she’ll take it!

I knew a girl who was the youngest of 4 sisters. They were all bridesmaids for each other and went over and above to make it a fab event.
When friend came to get married 2-3 years later- all 3 older sisters had children or were pregnant and totally bailed out (doing the bare minimum and complaining) on my friend. After the wedding I recall she sat them all down and expressed how she’d felt disappointed and let down- they said their lives had simply moved on and they had new continents - I could see both sides but always thought it was a bit shitty of them. To take all her effort and input and not then repay it!

*commitments

Whilst it might seem a simple challenge to some, just the organising I mean, surely it is downright cruel to ask someone with post-natal depression and a toddler with special needs to be sorting this out.

OP, sorry to ask but is your sister normally a cow like this? I mean the organising thing is bad enough when you are already suffering but to choose an activity which she must know would cause you problems, well it just seems too horrible of her!

Please please get in touch with your sister, shout at her, explain in words of one syllable that you are suffering and just cannot cope with organising this shit. Maybe say it a bit more nicely.

I am sure one of her other friends could sort it out. Please do not be afraid of pissing her off. Think of it as saving your energy for your new baby and toddler.