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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not 'do' Dsis' hen activity?

156 replies

henhelppls · 20/11/2018 17:35

DSis is getting married next year and I'm one of two bridesmaids. Despite me having postnatal depression, a young baby, a pre schooler with ASD and living over 100 miles away I've just been told that I should be organising the hen do. DSis then created a WhatsApp group with all the people she wants to come (over fifteen) and left.

She's told me that she wants to do a certain activity during the day, then a certain type of food thing, then drinking.

I'm overweight and really, really nervous about the activity. It's quite strenuous. I don't want to do it, I don't think I actually could it even if I wanted to. But I obviously don't want to let DSis down and to give her what she wants.

AIBU to ask to skip this bit?

Actually AIBU to say to the WhatsApp group 'this is all a bit difficult for me to organise from so far away, could somebody help me please?'

OP posts:

NotANotMan · 20/11/2018 19:26

I'm not going to ask what size you are but I'm a size 16 and not very fit and I did a go ape type thing and loved it. Do they have anything as well as the high ropes like a giant swing or something else you could do? Or could you watch the bags while everyone else does it?

Original poster

henhelppls · 20/11/2018 19:29

I am bigger than a size 16.

OP posts:

CoperCabana · 20/11/2018 19:29

For medical reasons that other people generally are not aware of, I don’t do anything like this. I would just keep it light and say ‘not up for the activity but defo up for the rest of it! Looking forward to seeing everyone’ and put it out of your mind.

onalongsabbatical · 20/11/2018 19:32

Oh sweetie, you'd have to leave your DCs and you don't want to? That's reason enough to say no. Really just tell her she doesn't understand but will when she's a mum, which she will, it's hard to do that I know but if you don't want to leave your babies overnight don't do it. You'll be miserable anyway, right?

museumum · 20/11/2018 19:33

Just pop in the group and go “dsis wants to go canyoning/zipwiring” “it’s really not my thing and I live in x so can someone suggest a place near the rest of you and book it for us?”

Job done. (Sort of, you’ll need to do same for food and drinks separately too, spread the load).

PigeonFromHell · 20/11/2018 19:45

I suppose there are three questions: can you go, can you go for part of it (eg the meal) and can you organise it?

It's okay to say no to all, and if someone else was to take it on now would be the time to hand it over.

Aside from that, are you getting support for your pnd?

SusieOwl4 · 20/11/2018 19:46

Can you just not appeal to the group and just say I am really sorry but due to personal circumstances I am struggling to organise this , can I please have some help? And if possible go but not participate , say you have vertigo or something ?

coconutpie · 20/11/2018 19:48

((Hug)) You do not have to participate in the organising or the actual hen do itself. You have enough on your plate. Tell your sister you are sorry but she will need to get somebody else to do the organising as you have too much on your plate and you aren't comfortable leaving your DC overnight. That is a perfectly reasonable excuse! I hope you are getting support for the PND

Delia65 · 20/11/2018 19:49

Can she not just organise her own hen do?

SandAndSea · 20/11/2018 19:54

OP, I think your DS sounds really entitled and selfish. I don't understand anyone who thinks they can just dump all this on someone, especially not in these circumstances.

You have several options. Eg. You could maybe throw out on the WA group that you're not able to organise this atm and ask for volunteers. Or, you could message your DS and just tell her that, as much as you'd like to, you're not well enough atm to do this.

Whatever you decide, please know that you are NOT bu.

TheGirlWithAllTheFeathers · 20/11/2018 19:56

This is where a good stretch bandage on your knee will come in handy. You fell the day before and have pulled a ligament. Then enjoy the rest of the day. A meal and a drink isn't so bad - the internet is great but if you're feeling that you just can't, then just say so. It's your sister. She's stuck with you.

Maelstrop · 20/11/2018 19:57

I think be totally honest with her, tell her you won't be doing it. Don't be ambiguous, don't apologize, tell her you can't and won't be doing it, it's too much plus you don't want to/can't participate in the activity/whole hen do. This gives her a chance to get someone else to help. There is no reason you have to do all this and if she gets arsey, remind her of the pnd and tell her to stop being a bridezilla.

Mix56 · 20/11/2018 19:57

She should have asked you before landing you with this, I would speak to her, & say that basically, she should have asked you if you were up for it. you are unable to organise it or do it, apologize, & say "It doesn't work for me."

minniemummy0 · 20/11/2018 19:59

If it’s similar to Go Ape, there may actually be a weight limit like Go Ape has. I looked into it a while back because I’d really love to do Go Ape, but am actually above the limit. It’s my first weight loss goal, to be below the allowed limit.

If the activity does have a limit and you’re above it that would be a perfect “get out of jail free” card!

CowesTwo · 20/11/2018 19:59

You have too much on your plate to organise all this stuff. Someone in the group with more time on their hands will have to take up the slack - or they can divide it up between them. You will also just have to be calmly assertive and say 'Dsis, I'm really sorry, but I just can't come along on the day. I'm not up to it and I don't want to leave the children'. If she kicks off, well that's up to her. And I wouldn't mind in the slightest if someone asked to be excused from my hen do, it's not a three-line whip, you don't HAVE to be there. Good luck, don't let this hang over you stressing you out. The sooner you lance the boil, the sooner it will be all over.

Worriedmummybekind · 20/11/2018 20:01

I would explain on the whatsapp and ask if anyone else would be willing to investigate and book it.

I turned down being a bridesmaid to my sister as I had two tiny children (both under 20months) and wedding was abroad. I explained that as much as I wanted to support her, I also didn’t want to agree and then do it badly or let her down. She was totally fine about it and I was so so glad I could focus on being a loving sister, guest and mum.

Cherries101 · 20/11/2018 20:02

There’s are two beginner ladies who started rock climbing at my club last week and both are a size 26 at least, but already better than me. Just because you’re big it doesn’t necessarily mean you can’t be athletic. My guess is running after a little boy you probably are.

My advice is a little different to the others. By all means ask for help on the Whatsapp group — you can divvy up responsibilities. But you should try the activity and maybe have a little fun too!

Belleende · 20/11/2018 20:03

I am a bit confused. Did you agree to be bridesmaid? If you did then organising the hen tends to be part of the package. If I had agreed to be a bridesmaid and the bride set up the what's app group and told me exactly what she wanted I would be delighted, that's half the job done.

If you havent agreed then you need to set her straight. But if you said yes, but you now don't want to organise or attend her hen do, then I can understand your sister being pissed. How would you intend to contribute?

Original poster

henhelppls · 20/11/2018 20:05

I'm very worried about being a bridesmaid, my own wedding was v small and I had none (and only 30 guests).

DS is very demanding (so is the baby!) and I am worried about him coping with the day. My preference would be to sit at the back with him and the baby so that I can whizz them out if one of them kicks off. But that's not her preference, and it's her day.

OP posts:

GabsAlot · 20/11/2018 20:07

im overweight and cant do things like go ape i also have vertigo

just ask one of the others to do it tell hyour dsis you have too much on right now to concedntrate on this

Belleende · 20/11/2018 20:08

Were you asked to be a BM, and did you agree? If you did then you need to retract. It doesn't sound like you are in the right place to fulfil what most people would expect of a BM, and you say you sis is demanding so even worse.

You need to bow out and just be a guest and loving sister.

RandomMess · 20/11/2018 20:08

Do you both get on with your parents? Could your Mum help get your sister to understand thAt you are not up to being a bridesmaid at the moment?

Original poster

henhelppls · 20/11/2018 20:09

We don't have a DM on the scene.

OP posts:

Belleende · 20/11/2018 20:13

Maybe think of something else really special you could do for her.

I will admit though, I would totally understand if my sister wasn't up to being my BM or organising the hen do, but I would be really sad if she couldn't attend for at least some of it.

bumblingbovine49 · 20/11/2018 20:16

I am above the weight limit for go ape so couldn't do it anyway as the safety equipment might not hold me. So if, I would just say no and not really worry about what anyone thinks,

I just wouldn't be able to do any of it if I was in your position. I would just have to protect my mental health even at the expense of upsetting family members. Your mental health will also affect your children. Surely their wellbring and yours comes above a 'fun' hen do for your dsis. The former is essential, the latter, just a nice to have and it is not as if you are the only one who can organise it.

It is a no brainer for me, no organising it and no going to the activity. Maybe go for s meal)drink if you can bear it but that is it as you will probably already need to stay overnight for that. She is very cheeky too as she didn't ask you, just announced what you were to do.

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