To not 'do' Dsis' hen activity?

[henhelppls]

DSis is getting married next year and I'm one of two bridesmaids. Despite me having postnatal depression, a young baby, a pre schooler with ASD and living over 100 miles away I've just been told that I should be organising the hen do. DSis then created a WhatsApp group with all the people she wants to come (over fifteen) and left.

She's told me that she wants to do a certain activity during the day, then a certain type of food thing, then drinking.

I'm overweight and really, really nervous about the activity. It's quite strenuous. I don't want to do it, I don't think I actually could it even if I wanted to. But I obviously don't want to let DSis down and to give her what she wants.

AIBU to ask to skip this bit?

Actually AIBU to say to the WhatsApp group 'this is all a bit difficult for me to organise from so far away, could somebody help me please?'

"You’d be better to just lay out to your sis that it’s too much and deal with it than keep doing a half arsed job and resenting it.

Your sister didn't ask you & give you a chance to say yes or no.
So you have to say no now."

This ^

Or you could delegate different elements of the "hen do" on the WhatsApp group to different people. One organises this activity, one organises a venue for a meal, and someone else organises whatever else needs doing.

Make it very clear that you are not up to the job, and if it is left up to you it won't be organised.

If you decide you rather go and want to find solutions, I would:

• get a babysitter for the day, so you don't worry about the kids. If kids are demanding, maybe two babysitters one for the morning, one for the afternoon, as to divide work but still pay the same. Or ask friends for favours, etc.
• I would try to get in charge of the food / drink organising and leave this activity for the other bridesmaid.
• I would go with a bottle of prosecco and a camera, say I'm there to take a picture of the ocassion and wave them good luck, but that you are going straight away to the food party to make sure everything is under control and to check on decorations etc
• go to the food place, do whatever arrangements you need there and wait for them to come back or pick them up to go to food place.

Make it look as a desire to get "your half" as perfect as you can, and leave the other half of planning to bridesmaid 2.

Good luck with whatever you decide!

@YouDancin The OP brought up her weight as a reason why she was nervous about the activity. I thought she should know that being just overweight is unlikely to be a barrier to her being able to participate in that type of activity. Of course, if she just doesn't want to do it then that's her choice.

Ask your WhatsApp group for help. The bride won't want things battered back to her - find someone to help you plan things. I organised my sister's hen do while I lived in the Uk and her hen do was in Australia on a public holiday. Its a pain but doable. But agreed that you should not do any activity you don't want to do.

OP it’s ok that you don’t feel up to any of this, but you do have to let your sister know. Despite some fairly awful PPs slating your sister, I don’t actually think she’s done anything terribly wrong in wanting you to organise her hen. It’s normal for someone else to organise it, and why wouldn’t she want her sister to be that trusted person?
What she HAS done wrong is not ASK you. She’s put you in a really difficult position, but frankly she’s not going to get the hen do she wants, and you’re going to hate every last minute, if you don’t tell her now that you’re not the right person to be in charge.
Tell her what you told us, tell her you love her, tell her you will be there for whatever elements you ARE excited to be involved in, tell her you want her to have an amazing hen do. Just tell her!

YANBU. Speak to her and ask somebody else to arrange it. You never know, she might have felt bad about the thought of you not organising it, in case it upset you.

Personally I'd give the activity a go but that's just me. I went out with people who had dildos stuck to their heads on a hen do recently. Sometimes you just have to roll with it. I got very drunk to cope.

“It’s normal for someone else to organise it,”

When did this start to happen? Even 20 years ago the bride organised the hen do – usually a meal out and a few drinks.

“What she HAS done wrong is not ASK you. She’s put you in a really difficult position, but frankly she’s not going to get the hen do she wants, and you’re going to hate every last minute, if you don’t tell her now that you’re not the right person to be in charge.”

I agree. She needs to be told that if she wants the hen do she thinks she is going to get she should ask someone else to organise it as you are just not up to the task, and don’t want to disappoint her.

Lonicera, I’m not sure! I can only speak to my own experience but of all the weddings I’ve been a part of over the last 12 years or so (including my own) the hen was always organised by a member of the bridal party. ¯\(ツ)/¯

Can I just say that I’ve recently discovered PayPal money pools and wish they existed when I was organising a hen do as collecting the money is a proper faff. This way everyone gets to see what everyone else has paid and when. A bloody genius idea.

(I don’t work for PayPal, just think it’s brilliant for these situation).

The benefit of arranging it is that you can make it to suit you and your daily schedule. Take FULL advantage of this and work the timings and location around you and your DC.

Maybe you could hire a cottage really close to your home for example.

Be the photographer at the activity and keep ‘themes’ to an absolute minimum.

add her back to group

and ask her to help/advise

whats the activity

ah, like go ape

(Obviously you don’t stay in the cottage due to kids etc and definitely don’t contribute to the cost, but it’s a night away for everyone else which might feel more ‘special’)

Personally I HATE hen do’s. I’ve organised several and they were a pain in the arse.

When I got married I refused to have one!!

Yanbu. Tell her.
In 2004, i got lumbered with sorting my sisters hen do. All i was given was a list of names and numbers and annoyingly i had to door knock these unknowns to collect deposits.
Then you always get someone who takes too much and ypu can end up out of pocket. My sister's mates were bitches though!
Nowadays , i know my limits and would just say no

Thank god I have a DB I was his bridesmaid felt very silly and self conscious. So glad I did it got to walk down with my DS'S very special moment. Obvs didn't organise the stag 😂
As other posters has suggested say to the other bridesmaid I can't organise the activitiy can you please. Then book a nice restaurant for a meal after few drinks any chance you breastfeeding Op?

@Cachailleacha

"Dsis, thank you so much for thinking of me to arrange your Hen Do, which i know is very special for you. However, physically and emotionally I''m just not in a place to do it justice right now. I'm sad to decline the arranging of this special day for you, but I'm sure there's someone else who will make it perfect. Nearer the time I will be clearer on whether I will be able to join you, but right now it's just not possible"

Copy, paste, send

Good luck OP

I don’t know your sister OP but it seems she has very unreasonable expectations of you. Perhaps she just doesn’t understand but you need to find a way to tell her that this is too much. PND (or any form of clinical depression) should not be underestimated, nor should the difficulty of raising children with extra needs.
Maybe she is caught up in the ridiculously entitled behaviour that surrounds weddings these days but she needs to be more considerate. Could you appeal to your mum or another close relative to help her see how uneccesary and unreasonable it is to put you under this stress?
I’m usually to be found rolling my eyes about how lightweight some people are on MN but in your case you have a very good reason to say no to being lumped with this.
All the best OP. Hope it gets sorted.

You really need to be honest with your DSis. I've never been to a hen do and I only had a meal out for mine because my friends wanted to do it and neither of my bridesmaids were there. Explain that it's too much for you to organise.

Hell would freeze over before I did anything like Go Ape!

Op I feel your pain, I'd absolutely hate this. I'm very overweight and not great with heights plus not very fit.

It's just embarrassing not joining in as people will be asking why. If I were you I'd be open and honest and tell dsis that I'd prefer not to plan the hen. If shes upset about you not being there then maybe you can plan a special day just the two of you for some chill time.

My best friend is getting married and her hen do ended up being about a 4 hour drive away and was a weekend of drinking and clubbing etc. I would no way be leaving my dcs so I apologised for not making it and offered to do something just the two of us. I thought she'd kick off but she took it really well to my face

What is the activity?

If you put it to the group I doubt anyone will offer to help, it’s well known that organising hen do’s is grief

Go direct to your sister and explain. She needs to find someone else, it’s too much to ask of you and just the thought of it is making you unhappy which is totally reasonable. If you don’t want to leave your children overnight then don’t, I would be the same.

Your sister Is being demanding and thoughtless. Good luck, I hope you get it sorted

I have huge sympathy for the OP, but I'm surprised so many people think her sister is being inherently unreasonable. I've never been to a hen do that wasn't organised by the bridesmaids, and when I've been asked to be a bridesmaid then I assumed organising the hen do came with the territory. And the WhatsApp group seems like it was intended to make organisation much easier - I just got lists of names and numbers the two times I had to do it, which is a pain!

That said, your suggestion that you send a message to the group asking for help is a really good one - and I bet people will step forward. And of course you (and anyone else) can skip the activity if you like. I fairly recently organised a weekend-long hen do for 18 people and nearly everyone skipped at least one element of it for one reason or another, and no one (including the bride) batted an eyelid at this.

I wasn't really asking if my DSis was BU. More was I BU for not participating in the activity.

henhelppls "It's so awkward because the day is NOT about me. So I sound like an arsehole."

You do not sound like an arsehole. But your sister does.

Please do not try and recruit others to organise it.

Sit down with your sister, or call her, or write to her, whatever seems natural to her and say what you have said here about your own situation and how you will not be able o join in the activity or organise it.

I 100% agree with BewareOfDragons

"I would call your sister and talk to her. Tell her what's going on with you. Then tell her that she needs to ask another bridesmaid or friends to organise the hen do she wants, and that unfortunately, you won't be able to attend. It's too far and it's just too much of an ask for you to come and do right now. You're looking forward to standing up for her, of course, because you love her madly, but you're going to pass on the hen do."

Do not offer to do anything else in place of this, do not volunteer for anything. She has asked you to be a bridesmaid and that is fine but you cannot do what she needs and she has a long time to orgnaise it herself or find another person to do it.

I’d ask the other bridesmaid to be joint organiser, then share responsibilities. Don’t even think about yourself doing the awful physical activity during the day, just assume you’ll not be attending that but try and attend the rest.

Start with that frame of mind rather than having panics about it for weeks and building up resentment and fear in equal measures until it becomes a ‘thing’ and gets spilled over into an upsetting confrontation between you and your sister.

I tried to be jolly and do go ape and did the safety briefing and climbed up the first tree... then had to do the bit across and swinging into a rope net and climbing down, as I wasn’t allowed to turn back. Then that was it! It was awful and I felt so pressurized. I’d never let myself get put into that situation again. I was actually becoming disabled with an awful genetic disease which I was unaware of at that time, but I was increasingly distressed at my failing physical function, and the way people responded to that. So I am totally pro you, and hate the way some people think it’s fine to push others out of their physical comfort zone and ignore them saying no, or their clear dislike of physical activities. It’s like we can’t say no anymore. But you can, and just not make a big deal out of it by making it a ‘fair accompli’ and not letting it become any kind of discussion at all.