To not 'do' Dsis' hen activity?

[henhelppls]

DSis is getting married next year and I'm one of two bridesmaids. Despite me having postnatal depression, a young baby, a pre schooler with ASD and living over 100 miles away I've just been told that I should be organising the hen do. DSis then created a WhatsApp group with all the people she wants to come (over fifteen) and left.

She's told me that she wants to do a certain activity during the day, then a certain type of food thing, then drinking.

I'm overweight and really, really nervous about the activity. It's quite strenuous. I don't want to do it, I don't think I actually could it even if I wanted to. But I obviously don't want to let DSis down and to give her what she wants.

AIBU to ask to skip this bit?

Actually AIBU to say to the WhatsApp group 'this is all a bit difficult for me to organise from so far away, could somebody help me please?'

I would contact whoever is her 'best' friend out of the 15 and explain and ask her to help you organise.

Wrt the activity...it depends are you a size 18 and self conscious or a size 26 etc and are going to realistically not be able to do it? If it was just going to make me a bit self conscious/out of breath, I would do it tbh. It is your DSis' wedding.

I too think you need to bow out of being a bridesmaid. You just don't need this and it's too much for you to organise- these things are never just one phone call and you're likely to end up out of pocket. If GoApe is not your thing then it's not your thing- it would be a cold day in hell before I spent a penny of my own money to climb up trees and do zip wires.

Message her something like " Dsis I love you dearly and am delighted you are getting married. I'm sorry but I can't organise your hen do, it's just not possible for me to do it. I'll understand if you want me to drop out of being a BM and I'd be delighted to attend as a guest."

But it's her day doesn't mean it's okay for her to be selfish and that you have to do what you're told, the fact that you're a mum with PND really trumps it being her day, OP.

If I remember correctly, the weight limit for go ape is 20.5 stone - which is bigger than I thought it would be tbh. Is this the issue op?

Say to her you can can watch but don't want to take part in the activity - but you will take part with the meal and drinks, I'm sure someone nearer can take on a bit of organising, it's just booking venues, collecting money and preorders for the meal

You might not be the only one who doesn’t want to do the Go Ape. I wouldn’t, but I’d still go, just wouldn’t do the activity. Nobody has to.

One hen weekend I went to, we went Go Karting. A couple of the hens didn’t want to so they watched from the cafe, it wasn’t an issue.

It isn't Go Ape, it's similar. There isn't anywhere I could spectate from.

If I remember correctly, the weight limit for go ape is 20.5 stone
The OP says she is overweight, so she would be well below that.

You’d be better to just lay out to your sis that it’s too much and deal with it than keep doing a half arsed job and resenting it.

Your sister didn't ask you & give you a chance to say yes or no.
So you have to say no now.

You can still organise it.

Then on the day, be the 'official' photographer. I've done this multiple times on school camps when students are trying to convince me to get on flying foxes or giant swings - 'so sorry, got my fancy camera in my hand, but you get on it and I'll make sure we get some great shots'. Has worked for years and no one has ever really bugged me about it.

I think you should tell her now. Tell her than you simply won't be able to leave the children, that your dh has a work thing he has to do and so he can't babysit.

Even when i was young and fit I would decline the invitation to a hen do like that, even if I were MoH. Well, if I were MoH I would tell friend/relative that she'd be doing it without me.

If I so badly wanted my sister to attend my hen do I'd make sure it was something we'd both enjoy.

If you tell her now there's time for her to simmer down before it happens.

@Cachailleacha that's what I thought. 20.5 stone would be very unusual.

You should definitely bow out of organising it. Things like checking x has been booked, chasing money, agreeing restaurant are all painful, and you aren’t up to it. You have to tell her you love her but are too unwell and have too much on.

Just be honest with her. Say you don't feel up to it and you don't want to bring the group down. Organise something special for just the two of you instead and let her sort out her hen weekend with the other girls.

I think it sounds like your sister is trying to make this easy for you by being clear about what she wants to do and who she wants to include. The WhatsApp group gives you an easy way to communicate about the day with other people who can help without upsetting your sister. Post to the group that you are not the outdoorsy type, and ask if one or two of them can take the lead on that activity on the day. You just book the activity, the food thing and a table at a bar for afterwards, compute the costs per person and make a google pool to collect money from everyone. Then you turn up looking glamorous and relaxed for the food thing and mosey along to the drinks after for a nice mocktail or three. It will be nice for everyone to have someone to tell about their muddy adventures, and you can make a nice speech at the drinks.

I'm sorry you are suffering from post natal depression and not feeling up to this. It's really rough, especially with a toddler wanting your energy and attention as well as a baby. So, no, do not force yourself into a harness or whatever -- your sister won't care as long as there is a nice group there to make it fun. I'm sure the other bridesmaid or one of her friends will offer to be group leader for that event, especially if you do the booking and paying. Keep it simple and try to think of how proud you will be when you have made this happen for your sister despite all the challenges you are facing now. Maybe a night out will even be fun.

Good luck to you, whatever you do, and I hope your depression eases soon and you feel better.

Definitely skip that bit and go for the evening only. Don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask the other bridesmaids or hens to help either. Hope it works out, just present it as a done deal.

I would ask the group for their thoughts on the activity, you might not be alone in being unwilling to do this. You could then ask the other bridesmaid to take the lead on the activity, and you take the lead on the dinner stuff. If there are a few of you who don’t want to do it, you and them could arrange to do something like dress up the table at the dinner venue (balloons, etc)

Is your weight also worrying you with regard to being a bridesmaid?

I think honesty is the best policy here. You are already overstretched because you are emotionally unwell; taking on more stress could cause you to be really ill.

‘I love you dearly and want to watch you get married, but from a safe emotional place. I hope you love me too and understand that I’m just not up to it at the moment.’

Your weight is the issue here I'm guessing. Organising a events for a hen do at 100 miles away is easy. You have internet and telephone. Can you attend said event and site out?

It doesn’t really matter whether the OP is below the weight requirements or not. She doesn’t want to do it, whether she’s physically able to is irrelevant.
If you can cope with the admin then I think that’s a lovely thing to do for your sister but you don’t have to climb up a tree or whatever if you don’t want to. If you’re not up to organising it then tell her early so someone else can step in. You are not superwoman and bridesmaid duties shouldn’t damage your mental health.

Don't do the activity, you can take photos!

If you don't want to leave the children overnight for the hen just don't. Ask in the WhatsApp group for the other bridesmaid to take over as you will be unable to attend. If you feel up to it you can still arrange it via phone and email but not attend.

How much did your sister do for your wedding? If she has done a lot for you, surely you can attend the hen and sit out the activity you're worried about? You can decline to be a bridesmaid or not agree to plan the hen, but don't expect your relationship with Dsis to be the same.

@christmaschristmaschristmas and @Cachailleacha why are you speculating about OP's weight? She doesn't want to do it, doesn't feel comfortable doing it, doesn't want to wear the safety equipment. Why the hell should she? It doesn't matter if she is 25 stone or 8 stone!

"Dear Sis, I don't want to upset you but i don't think I can cope with organising the hen do . I know its your wedding, I realise that it's not about me, but I have 2 kids one of whom is very needy and my mental health isn't great. I love you but i do feel that you assumed that i would organise the hen do and didn't ask me if i would . I know you'll be upset and i see it from your point of view, really i do. But at the end of the day it's too much work and i think i wpuld do a bad job as i am far too stretched at the moment. Can 1 of the others not do it or do it between them? I want it to be soecial for you but dont want it 2 go wrong because I haven't got time to organise it and it'll be awkward too with me being so far away & it might be best if someone more local to you did it. I know you'll be upset but i am telling you now so you can get something organised. "