To not 'do' Dsis' hen activity?

[henhelppls]

DSis is getting married next year and I'm one of two bridesmaids. Despite me having postnatal depression, a young baby, a pre schooler with ASD and living over 100 miles away I've just been told that I should be organising the hen do. DSis then created a WhatsApp group with all the people she wants to come (over fifteen) and left.

She's told me that she wants to do a certain activity during the day, then a certain type of food thing, then drinking.

I'm overweight and really, really nervous about the activity. It's quite strenuous. I don't want to do it, I don't think I actually could it even if I wanted to. But I obviously don't want to let DSis down and to give her what she wants.

AIBU to ask to skip this bit?

Actually AIBU to say to the WhatsApp group 'this is all a bit difficult for me to organise from so far away, could somebody help me please?'

You don;t have to do anything you don;t want to - I'm guessing it is a Go Ape type of thing - my DD went to a hen do which was Go Ape, ahe is young and fit and still found it pretty tough - also there are heights involved (so I would not have been able to do it at all). you cna watch/cheer the others on - so you are there entering to the spirit but not actually doing it. These things are supposed to be enjoyable - no point doing stuff that will make you miserable.

I think actually you should lay it out for you DSIS - she's being a bit dense, you have PND - a serious illness - would she be expecting you to organize her hen do if you had a serious physical illness ? At the moment your priority is getting yourself well and coping with a young baby and toddler. Someone else can orgnize things - tell your sister normally you'd love to help, but currently you just aren't well enough.
Last thing you need is trying to round up a load of hens, sort out dates, deal with everyones little gripes and preferences and all that bollocks.

Frankly she sounds inconsiderate and bridezillaish.

Could you be the judge/referee in the activity? Get a whistle and pretend you are in charge. Buy some silly prizes or plastic medals and award them at the end.

She's being completely unfair. You poor thing, you've got so much on your plate and then she wants you to organise everything and on top of that to (literally) jump through hoops!

If you feel you can't tell her yourself, get your partner or your mum to phone her and tell her straight.

If you don't want to do that activity, then define yourself as the photographer for the day- after all, she'll want nice photos to look back on and you can't take them while doing that sort of thing.
And the good news is that the companies that run that sort of thing are well used to doing hen do's so its one call to set it up

Does she want you to 'go ape'? - that's a popular hen activity and if it is that it might not be as bad or as strenuous as you think. If it isn't that, then it might be a good alternative as may fit with the kind of thing she wants to do without being too awful for you.

Being a bridesmaid involves being a positive support to the bride. If you a) don't fancy the role please do say and
b) there is always someone who loves to organise stuff delegate.

If you don't think you up to be supper enthusiastic in the run up , running round with Prosecco on the day - just say. You can always do a reading or something. Having great bridesmaids makes the experience. If you don't think you can do it please don't be embarrassed to say,

Being a bridesmaid involves being a positive support to the bride. If you a) don't fancy the role please do say and
b) there is always someone who loves to organise stuff delegate.

If you don't think you up to be supper enthusiastic in the run up , running round with Prosecco on the day - just say. You can always do a reading or something. Having great bridesmaids makes the experience. If you don't think you can do it please don't be embarrassed to say,

It's of a similar ilk to Go Ape.

I'm sorry, OP, but it sounds like your sister doesn't have a fucking clue how snowed under you are with PND, a SN toddler, exhaustion and living so far away.

I would call your sister and talk to her. Tell her what's going on with you. Then tell her that she needs to ask another bridesmaid or friends to organise the hen do she wants, and that unfortunately, you won't be able to attend. It's too far and it's just too much of an ask for you to come and do right now. You're looking forward to standing up for her, of course, because you love her madly, but you're going to pass on the hen do.

You sound perfectly reasonable. You are juggling a lot of balls and need to protect your mental health for you and for your children. If taking this all on is stressing you out then you shouldn't take it on. You don't need justify that, but I can see why you would feel like it.

Personally I would be truthful with your sister and say that you're struggling and can't manage to take this on.

Despite me having postnatal depression, a young baby, a pre schooler with ASD and living over 100 miles away I've just been told that I should be organising the hen do. But you don't have to. You can say no and explain how much it will take out of you and that your responsibility is to two tiny humans who need you to be their mum, and anything on top of that right now isn't really possible.
Honestly, that's what I'd do. At least I hope I would. And you might find saying no is very liberating and healing. Her happiness isn't your responsibility, you know? But your own is.

I think that your Dsis is being pretty thoughtless expecting you to organise her hen do when she knows you are suffering with PND. You need to tell her that it's too much for you right now or if you don't feel comfortable having the conversation then have a mutual friend/DP/family member help you tell her. Tell her sooner rather than later so it's not playing on your mind and one of the other bridesmaids or a friend can take over the organising.

As for the activity, you would not be even remotely unreasonable to say that it's just not your thing, you don't feel you're physically capable of taking part and the thought of it is already making you anxious so you're going to sit that bit out. You may well not be the only one, that sort of thing really isn't for everyone and I wouldn't fancy it either!

If she takes offence then honestly, she's got some serious growing up to do. If my sister was ill and struggling with a young baby and a child with additional needs then I certainly wouldn't want to do anything to add to her stress and would hope she'd feel able to tell me if that was the case.

Even if you didn't have PND and a toddler etc I still think she is taking the piss. When did this become reasonable? I arranged my own hen do, my maid of honor arranged a few things for us to do and bought a veil and L Plates etc. That's how everybody I know has done it.

Is your sister usually difficult, lacking in empathy and demanding, or is has she just come over temporarily bridezilla?

If it weren't for the PND, and if you were/ are close and she's usually mutually supportive I'd say organise what she wants by phone and email but don't book yourself into the activities except for the meal. Hand hosting on the day to the other bridesmaid or one of her close friends.

However if you aren't close, never have been, she's possibly trying to shame you somehow for not being the skinny ball of sporty fun she thinks she is, and you're only playing along so as not to rock the boat then just say no. Post in the WhatsApp group that you are unable to be involved in the hen because you currently have a lot of personal stuff on your plate, you're sure the others will understand and organise between them and just leave the group.

I agree with a PP that Go Ape is not very strenuous, if it is similar to that. They have a high weight limit too, I think 130kg.

Is this normal now? To write a list of demands and dump them on a friend/relative? Genuine question.

I find this whole hen party idea mean spirited, shallow and in this case cruel. Don’t go. Explain as you have on here but without feeling guilty. It’s just an expensive add on that serves no purpose.

Lots of people spend a huge amount on other people’s weddings already and often can’t afford and don’t want another weekend of enforced hilarity.

Just book it for everyone else and leave yourself out of the activity. You can tell her the day before or whatever.
“I’m not doing (activity) as I don’t think I’m fit enough or that the safety gear will fit me. You’re all booked on though and I’ll be there to watch.”

There is no issue here really.

Could you get the other BM to organise for you? Or one of her friend? Out of 15, there's bound to be one who loves organising. Could you do part of the organising, but not participate? What's your DSis going to do - she gets her day, doing her thing, with those who also want to do it. What's not to like? For her, I mean.

There must be a way through this that works for you and keeps the peace.

How would she take it if you were honest? I would hate for someone to do something that upset them for me.

Do you not want to go to the whole thing or it it just the one event?

*One of her friends - your DSis' friends I mean

Could you organise an activity for those who don't want to do the strenuous activity (i.e. organising little surprise for the hen in the evening, cheering them on, my mind has gone blank but I'm sure something will be possible)? I def don't think you're unreasonable for not wanting to take part in the activity - you'll probably find that no-one bats an eyelid. I'd make a list of tasks to organise for the Hen do and ask the WhatsApp group to pick one to sort, if they don't mind.

My preference would not be to go because I don't want to leave the DCs for the night (and I have quite severe anxiety), but DSis just wouldn't get it. She professes to be understanding about such things but is actually pretty inflexible.

And I don't want her to be upset because I'm not there.