To not 'do' Dsis' hen activity?

[henhelppls]

DSis is getting married next year and I'm one of two bridesmaids. Despite me having postnatal depression, a young baby, a pre schooler with ASD and living over 100 miles away I've just been told that I should be organising the hen do. DSis then created a WhatsApp group with all the people she wants to come (over fifteen) and left.

She's told me that she wants to do a certain activity during the day, then a certain type of food thing, then drinking.

I'm overweight and really, really nervous about the activity. It's quite strenuous. I don't want to do it, I don't think I actually could it even if I wanted to. But I obviously don't want to let DSis down and to give her what she wants.

AIBU to ask to skip this bit?

Actually AIBU to say to the WhatsApp group 'this is all a bit difficult for me to organise from so far away, could somebody help me please?'

henhelppls "My preference would not be to go because I don't want to leave the DCs for the night (and I have quite severe anxiety), but DSis just wouldn't get it. She professes to be understanding about such things but is actually pretty inflexible." Then you just need to say you won't be there and leave it at that.

"And I don't want her to be upset because I'm not there." But if you are there you will be upset so you need to look after you.

By all means go when the times comes if you feel up to it, or try go ape another time, or whatever but just get out of this fucking chore so you can concentrate on your health. She will survive.

Plus you could invite her to travel 100 miles to see you for the weekend and see what your life is like and maybe she would understand more how you feel, just an idea! Only do it if it would help you.

Belleende "Did you agree to be bridesmaid? If you did then organising the hen tends to be part of the package. If I had agreed to be a bridesmaid and the bride set up the what's app group and told me exactly what she wanted I would be delighted, that's half the job done." It's clearly not half the job done at all and it is a massive presumption for the bride to assume her sister will do this when she is ill.

OP if you really do not wish to be a bridesmaid, just tell her. "My preference would be to sit at the back with him and the baby so that I can whizz them out if one of them kicks off. But that's not her preference, and it's her day." It's her day but it is your life. Just say you can't cope with it all and want to just come to her wedding and be there with her, not have an additional role. She may feel upset but she should realise you are a person in your own right, not a prop at her wedding.

I had my sister as a bridesmaid, she married later and did not have any bridesmaids, it was 100% fine.

[hanks]

I’m fit and healthy but would refuse to do anything involving harnesses and heights - I just get too scared. It’s honestly no big deal. But I would make sure that’s known in advance so you’re not paying for a place that’s not used. Just say it’s unfortunately not your thing, find a nice cafe nearby to sit it out and meet them afterwards.

PS please do not take on the role of organsing the other hens to do this! Just tell your sister why you cannot do it and then concentrate on getting well.

YANBU it's too much for you.
Send a text like @Watchthisthread 's suggestion "Dsis, thank you so much for thinking of me to arrange your Hen Do, which i know is very special for you. However, physically and emotionally I''m just not in a place to do it justice right now. I'm sad to decline the arranging of this special day for you, but I'm sure there's someone else who will make it perfect. Nearer the time I will be clearer on whether I will be able to join you, but right now it's just not possible"

You don't need to find replacement person to organise her Hen as your DSis will know far better which of her friends to ask.

I definitely think you should have an honest chat with your sister if you feel this is at all possible. She may well have felt that you would have been hurt if she hadn't asked you to be a bridesmaid.

Shes asked you to organise but told you the place. The food. The activity.

She can organise herself

God my worst nightmare - not worth the stress and hassle life is too short, i would just say look i'm sorry but my PND is too difficult right now so i'm very sorry but I'm going to have to ask you to find someone else to be bridesmaid (and do the organising crap). Painful but quick and soooo worth it (for you and your children) xx

I’ve had this before, someone wanted to do a certain activity and the thought of doing it myself made me physically sick. I offered to book it, then I accidentally ‘forgot’ to count me in the numbers!! The day came, I got there early, explained to the lady in the ticket office, told her that I would end up vomiting and could she tell the party that there was no room for me, I sat in the car with my book while half enjoyed it, half spent the rest of the weekend saying ‘you lucky bitch’!

I'm also fit and healthy and wouldn't do it either. She'd like to do it and that's fine however you don't have too. Yes it's her day however that doesn't mean she can force people to do things they don't want to do, I also wouldn't be surprised if you were the only one who didn't want to do it.

I think your DH could be a help here. I don't know if you have the mental space for just the planning but if you do - plan the hen do (aka google the places, tell the other hens and email to book for the correct number who respond) and book an air b n b or similar for yourself hubby and kids nearby. Just don't book on to the activity, tell her on the day you're not able to do it because of your size, she'll be having a good time so won't care, then after the evening meal or whatever you just hop in a cab home to baby/ds/DH and leave them all to it.

At the wedding DH sits at the back and holds baby and ds ready to run for the door.

All of this assumes you have a willing DH/DP of course..

MyKingdomForBrie the OP has post natal depression. I've not had it but I can imagine if I did I'd not want to be emailing and booking for an event, arranging to stay in a strange home with my special needs child who by then would be 6 and my baby, who by then might well be walking or if not at least crawling.

"..she'll be having a good time so won't care..." if the sister doesn't care if the OP is there then I think it really is best she is not put herself through all this. I think the OP would be much better to explain to her sister all that is going on for her, let other organise the event and just enjoy the wedding.

If you post on WhatsApp "x wants to do x in the afternoon and x in the evening for her hen do. Does anyone have any thoughts or suggestions?" Then you have given them all something to talk about, and by the time things do actually need to be firmed up, it will all be sorted out. Thing is, as it is a fair way off, it is very likely you will be feeling differently about the whole thing.

Best ensure the incumbent is not able to read the WhatsApp group stuff!

The 'incumbent' is the vicar, josbd!!!!!

**Lisa Simpson’s BFF
I appreciate your point that organising a hen often comes with the territory of being a bridesmaid but this is a specific case.
The sister seems unreasonable because OP has a very difficult set of circumstances.
In the sister’s position, would you just expect your post-Natally depressed, ‘mum of baby and special needs little one’ sister to do this for you? I certainly wouldn’t. I would either sort it myself or find someone else to and then just ask my sister if she wanted to be my bridesmaid on the day. She would be welcome to participate in as much or as little of the hen do as she felt comfortable doing and be a treasured guest on the day.
Isn’t that what any caring sister would do?

YANBU. You have postnatal depression and you have a preschool child with ASD! Seriously isn’t that enough on one person’s plate without sorting out a HEN NIGHT! I think it’s really horrid to dump this much work ( and it IS MORE work, to research and organise an event ) on someone who must be really struggling right now. Your sister in law sounds like shes spoilt and scary. My advice is that you have to be honest, and just tell her you are feeling ill with depression and that you don’t know how long it will last, and that you have to ‘sort out’ more important things like looking after your child. If she doesn’t get that, then you know that you have a unreasonable woman as a sister. You should ask other people to organise this event who are more into it. If she was there with you at your marriage, she should understand that a marriage means that it is the beginning of more complicated living, like children and family living. Do go to the event though, but be strong enough to say ‘ sorry guys I can’t manage this right now’. There is no shame in this. Good luck.

Really love your message too! Totally agree!

I can't hop in a cab home @MyKingdomForBrie, I live 5 hours drive away.

Just saw you mentioned booking an Air BnB, sorry @MyKingdomForBrie

henhelppls just decide if you want to be a bridesmaid or not and then tell your sister what you cannot do and why. If you want to be a bridesmaid with no extra duties tell her, or drop out of all bridesmaiding on the grounds of health.

Don't recruit another organiser, it isn't your job.

I think you should google bistro live.. they have locations all over the uk where they do a big room up, dance floor etc and you have a meal in the same room and move on to drinks/disco etc... that way there will be less organising and less stress. So the only other things would be to plan the activity, If the activity is not booked yet then win win, pick something closer to the venue. And also transport..

Another thing to google is "funktion events"... they can plan your entire hen night/weekend whatever! From transport, times, activities, food, drinks. It really doesn't have to take a lot, just simply say to the group.. enquires about this... it'll be this amount... is that okay?...

I would just start to plan what she wants (which doesn't sound that unreasonable to me but ymmv). If you don't want to do the activity just tell her that. You may find that there are others who don't want to either. Talk to her - she's your sister and presumably you get on or you wouldn't be a bridesmaid?

What is it with "bridesmaid duties" and "responsibilities"? Bridesmaids aren't indentured servants, they are beloved friends and family members who you have chosen to include in a special way in your wedding day. Anything you want them to do other than showing up and being there for you is extra and you should ask them politely and not just expect they will do whatever you ask just because you "made them a bridesmaid". Amazed at how entitled some people are.

And no, you're not being unreasonable to not attend at all, or to decline to do the organising. It's not your duty, it's your pleasure (or not). If she doesn't understand and love you regardless, she's not worth standing up with at her wedding IMO.

If she knows exactly what she wants and who she wants to come to it, then why doesn't she just book it herself? Seems bizarre to me to have an exact idea of everything you want, but just want someone else to do the legwork for you. I fully accept though that I am someone with zero interest in wedding planning 'etiquette'. If I wanted something for my own wedding, I'd just arrange it myself unless someone else was really keen to for whatever reason.

Sweetheart, you are NOT being unreasonable at all!

Just send a message to the group and let them know that your sister had made some suggestions for activities, that none of which you'll be able to participate in, and with PND and the ASD you have absolutely no capacity to arrange this activity or any other for her and therefore could others in the group step in?

I would also explain to your sister that you are doing this and that it may be that being a BM may be too much pressure so you would prefer to attend as a guest rather than a BM.

if there is fallout, it's on her, not you. you have to put yourself above this, it IS too much for you and could potentially endanger your life/health.

There’s no way you can do it! With a baby and a toddler I didn’t have the time to have a cup of tea, let alone organise a blooming hen do! FFS those posters who criticise you for being unhappy to be a bridesmaid and organise the hen do, suggesting it’s somehow selfish, must be off their heads!!! Of course it’s about you, your baby, your toddler and your mental health, and there’s nothing wrong with it! You simply have not the time, energy, and stamina to do it. Organising a hen do, especially for a controlling bride, is very stressful at any time. If your sister loves you, she should understand - and apologise for thoughtlessly piling this on you without asking.

Be honest with her, she’s your sister. Wish her all the very best, say you’d love to do it, but you simply can’t, for health reasons and for reasons she’ll understand all too well when she has kids of her own.

If she throws a hissy fit about it, be glad you got yourself out of it - it’s likely she’ll throw many more hissy fits if the hen do preparations go wrong somewhere. You don’t want to go there, believe me.

Sometimes you just need to say no.

Good luck!