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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be disgusted with some "step parents" views?

363 replies

PriscillaSM · 20/11/2018 11:35

I want to start off by saying that I do not have children, I have a step mother myself and my DP has a son so this is not me being a bitter parent.

I find myself reading so many posts on here where step parents are unhappy about their partner/husband paying their ex maintenance, having to look after the step child once in a blue moon, the stepchild not being allowed in certain rooms of their house or even about having their stepchild over the christmas period?!

Surely if you start a relationship with somebody knowing they have children, you know what you are getting involved in?? I would never dream of treating my DP's DS in such a way.

Sorry for the rant but I'm just horrified about the mentality of some people on here.

OP posts:
flamingofridays · 20/11/2018 22:02

Telling someone to terminate theit wanted baby is disgusting.

flamingofridays · 20/11/2018 22:03

The swearing is irrelevant.

flamingofridays · 20/11/2018 22:04

Also nobody is goading you, just disagreeing with your opinion.

TeapotFairy · 20/11/2018 22:05

I’m not sure why - in a situation where a step parent says they ‘can’t possibly continue with DSC coming to the home.’ That suggesting a termination as an option - to a woman who is suggesting ‘banning the DSC to her partner’ is unreasonable.

Both of those ‘options’ are equally unreasonable so hopefully it shone some perspective on the situation! The overall goal being ‘get on with it and make it work’

Oh and I’ve just recalled the knits thread!!! That was one of the best I’ve read!! Can’t link that one either...as it has been taken down.

flamingofridays · 20/11/2018 22:09

Link the thread then? Im not sure ive ever read a thread like that and i read most of the step parenting ones.

Killing a baby is not the same as asking for a little time alone to rest (which is likely what youre twisting)

TeapotFairy · 20/11/2018 22:19

@flamingo

I have no intention of linking the thread as it would make this a thread about a thread and no doubt have it taken down.
Equally it would further shame the woman (who got her ass handed to her) and I think she realised her mistake at the time.

If you don’t believe me- fine I don’t really mind. I’ve made my point and I stand by it.

Also I’m rather sure it was on the 30 day only board, as the knits one was too and they were going around at the same time..ish

LMW1990 · 20/11/2018 22:19

@steakandkidney I guess you're right in that we don't (yet) have the dynamic of another child to add to the mix. That would be a decision that all of us would have to be happy with.

My step children are certainly not part time. I see them Tuesday night, Wednesday, Thursday morning, Friday night and Saturday until evening. On Sundays I plan what we'll do in the week, do their washing and clean their bedroom ready for Tuesday and on Mondays I go over DSD spellings for the week and put them on her word wall (DSD is currently being tested for sensory issues so we're trying all sorts of things to improve her learning skills). We also have a wall for whatever topic she is doing at school which we enjoy putting together as a family (So far we've had space and Ancient Egypt). DSS is only 3 but he loves to help! I can't imagine even with them only staying 3 nights how it could be part time! They are always on my mind whether they are here or not.

TeapotFairy · 20/11/2018 22:26

@sillysally

🤔 avoiding the point for a while.... then jumping out from the behind the bushes shouting ‘ooh this is actually super relevant to me because XYZ so yeah’, hardly gives you the ‘moral high ground’ it just makes you a drip feeding fanny! 😂😂

I’m glad you’re adopting them- you’ll make a huge difference to their lives congrats - it’s a shame not all children have that level of acceptance from step parents. If all were like you there obviously wouldn’t be this issue - doesn’t change the issue that some step parents see their step kids as optional though

OhComeOnRon · 20/11/2018 22:27

@LMW1990
What a lovely post amidst all the crap.

@Steakandkidney
Your anger towards anyone with children from previous relationships having more kids is your own issue.

I can assure you the love my stepson has for my daughter is real and amazing and the fact that they are 'half' siblings doesn't come into it. Neither of them would even know what that meant. They are brother and sister and that's that.

They fight like siblings and have their truly loving moments just like siblings do. And I am 100% confident they are both happy.

Mrskeats · 20/11/2018 22:28

Some ridiculous statements on this thread.
So if blood always wins where does that leave adopted children?

OhComeOnRon · 20/11/2018 22:28

@TeapotFairy
Some parents see their kids as optional too. It's not exclusive to step parents.

flamingofridays · 20/11/2018 22:34

Dss mum sees him as optional. I dont. But im only a stranger after all.

TeapotFairy · 20/11/2018 22:41

@flamingo

A good step parent is worth a thousand terrible biological parents! It’s arguably a harder job than being a biological parent (when you’re doing it full time and taking their place) as you’re facing so many unique challenges.

I don’t believe for a second that ‘a step parent can never love a child like a biological parent’ it’s complete balls - just a sad fact that most don’t.

So much respect and admiration for those doing a really good job of step parenting.

I have no respect for any kind of parent who sees any child as optional - not in any way limited to step parents

LMW1990 · 20/11/2018 22:49

@ohcomeonron thank you. I'm not saying it isn't hard at times but I'm not sure I could understand animosity towards any children, step children or otherwise. It's just beyond me. What I find hardest is sometimes being overlooked as I'm not mum or dad (usually by people who don't understand our circumstances or expect that I won't be interested or as involved as I am)
There seems to be a lot of vitriol on this thread and frankly it's sad and upsetting. There are children involved. I know full well I don't come first in DP (his kids do and I'm fine with that/ proud of him for the Dad he is) or DSC lives, but they all come first with me. I feel truly sorry for anyone who is struggling as a step parent or who did not have the support of a step parent when younger. They potentially missed out on what can be a magical relationship.

SnuggyBuggy · 21/11/2018 07:11

What's really sad is the, hopefully minority, cases where the parent starts a new family with someone and loses interest in their older children. There was a girl at my primary school in this situation, she developed a pretty unpleasant health problem which would have benefited from early treatment but mum was to busy with new family and she was pretty neglected.

ImpendingDisaster · 21/11/2018 08:04

There are an astonishing number of threads on MN that hinge on mothers and fathers having babies with new partners while their older children are still healing from the rift.

Not everyone moves on responsibly.

There are millions of people whose childhoods were fucked by their parents romantic needs

From experience, I know this to be true. It is so, so, gross and depressing for children to have to deal with their excitable, whimsical, newly single parents.

flamingofridays · 21/11/2018 09:02

impending right so should we all stay in unhappy marriages "for the kids" then?

OutPinked · 21/11/2018 09:07

If you involve yourself in a serious relationship with someone who has children you have to learn to not only accept those children but also form a bond with them.

The step parents I know (including my own DP to my DC) are absolutely fantastic and really have no qualms about their step-parent role. The step parent relationship can truly be a wonderful thing with many children growing up to see their step parent as more of a parent than their biological one. It’s a huge shame the same doesn’t go for everyone.

I had an abusive and paranoid step-dad growing up so I’ve been there. It was partly my DM’s fault for staying with him so long and allowing him to abuse me (not sexually). The parent themselves sometimes need to grow a back bone and leave their partner if the relationship between them and their child is suffering. Your children always come first.

theDudesmummy · 21/11/2018 09:15

What disgusting views on this thread. And lack of comprehension. I took on the care of my stepdaughters at a time when I had not yet have my baby (the year after I married DH). I am the breadwinner in the family so completely financed their lives , including private schooling, as initialy they were not eligible for state school in the UK (and I continue to support them financially). DS came along a couple of years after the girls came to us (very much wanted baby after mutliple miscarriages). Everyone was very happy and the girls love their baby brother. We are a real family, not some sort of cobbled-together thing.

Whatwhatt · 21/11/2018 09:44

What disgusting views on this thread. And lack of comprehension

Agreed. Coming from people with no real experience of the situation they are judging as well which makes it laughable really.

Whatwhatt · 21/11/2018 09:45

@theDudesmummy ps. Good on you, you sound like a wonder step mum Flowers

theDudesmummy · 21/11/2018 10:26

Not a wonder step mum. Just consider myself a mother. To three children. There are lots of great parents, I try to be as good a parent as I can. I am not trying to blow my own trumpet but this thread has shocked me in its vitriol and tone. Presumably the same people would not make generalisations about what they considre to be "real" mothers the way they do about stepmothers?

Whatwhatt · 21/11/2018 10:39

theDudesmummy well it's lovely that those children have you in their lives!

I agree, it's shocking. I wasn't aware view points such as the ones expressed her actually existed until now! Very sad really.

ohreallyohreallyoh · 21/11/2018 10:50

in the interests of choice: have you asked your kids how they'd feel about you dating?

my eldest (now 15) brought up my seemingly endless single life a couple of years ago. He said he 'wouldn't mind at all' if I dated. He was concerned that I wasn't dating out of some misguided assumption that he would be unhappy about it.

That still doesn't change my mind that my being in a long-term, serious relationship would be anything other than being about me and not my kids, and that I am not prepared to expose myself or my children to the zoo that is step parenting and blended families. Doesn't mean I haven't had relationships or that I won't go on to have relationships and I am very much open to something long-term when the circumstances feel 'right' (whatever that might mean).

Nor does it change the fact that my ex has had 5 live-in partners in 10 years. Nor does it change his behaviour. Nor does it change the behaviour of those partners meaning my children have been way down on their father's priority list for many, many years. And nor does it change my belief that if my ex got wind of me being in a relationship that involved our children he would kick-off beyond all belief and make not only my life miserable but that of our children who would be pushed and pulled in all directions.

Alternatively, I could just shrug and say 'if I want a relationship, I'll have one regardless of the impact' which is, in my opinion, what most adults do post-divorce.

Simply put: there is way more to consider than just me.

theDudesmummy · 21/11/2018 10:56

That's rude. Our "blended family" (don't like the term but OK) is not a "zoo". It's a family.