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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be disgusted with some "step parents" views?

363 replies

PriscillaSM · 20/11/2018 11:35

I want to start off by saying that I do not have children, I have a step mother myself and my DP has a son so this is not me being a bitter parent.

I find myself reading so many posts on here where step parents are unhappy about their partner/husband paying their ex maintenance, having to look after the step child once in a blue moon, the stepchild not being allowed in certain rooms of their house or even about having their stepchild over the christmas period?!

Surely if you start a relationship with somebody knowing they have children, you know what you are getting involved in?? I would never dream of treating my DP's DS in such a way.

Sorry for the rant but I'm just horrified about the mentality of some people on here.

OP posts:
flamingofridays · 21/11/2018 11:05

that I am not prepared to expose myself or my children to the zoo that is step parenting and blended families

how offensive, maybe you need to consider how your own nasty attitude is affecting your children rather than worrying about any potential new partners affecting them.

Sallystyle · 21/11/2018 11:06

Says every newly married woman ever

I am not newly married Grin My oldest was 6 when we met and he is now 19. I think I can safely say he is an amazing step dad.

theDudesmummy · 21/11/2018 11:10

I think some people have not considered that having a decent step parent within a stable family could be a hugely positive rather than a negative thing for everyone, better certainly than the parent remaining single forever. Of course there are examples where it is negative but some sem to think this is invariable.

My stepdaughters have been positively and not negatively affected by their father marrying me, in a variety of both practical and emotional ways. I am not saying I am special or better than anyone else, I am just a relatively decent and stable person, in a stable and loving relationship with their father, who happened to live in a place and be in a position to give them opportunities they would not otherwise have had. No-one in the family, including their mother, and her whole family, could (or does) disagree with that.

ohreallyohreallyoh · 21/11/2018 11:11

how offensive, maybe you need to consider how your own nasty attitude is affecting your children rather than worrying about any potential new partners affecting them

oh please! You have no idea about what I've been through or what I've seen my children subjected to. Nasty attitude? That I make a decision to put my children first? Maybe some introspection required for yourself, eh?

ohreallyohreallyoh · 21/11/2018 11:13

better certainly than the parent remaining single forever

Oh good god. Yeah, 'family' can only consist of two people plus children. Single people can't ever possibly live fulfilled and happy lives?

flamingofridays · 21/11/2018 11:16

no your nasty attitude in labelling familes as "zoos" because its not what you would personally do. If you cant see how that is nasty, then you quite clearly have bigger issues.

no introspection needed, both my kids are healthy and happy and have not been mentally damaged by living with me and their dad. DSS has been very damaged by his mothers actions, but unfortunately I can do nothing about that.

theDudesmummy · 21/11/2018 11:23

Oh sorry, I apologise, I did not mean that remaining single was a bad thing, I put that clumsily. What I meant was that just because someone is a parent, they should not be condemned for making a choice not to remain single, if that is what they want.

ohreallyohreallyoh · 21/11/2018 11:25

you quite clearly have bigger issues

Your opinion, of course. Or you are now a psychologist able to diagnose strangers over the internet on the basis of a few words on a thread?

'Zoo' is an apt description of what my children have had to go through. I absolutely accept that will not be the case for all children. I believe, however, it is the case for way more children than many parents wish to admit.

theDudesmummy · 21/11/2018 11:28

I really object to the assumption that remarrying/having a new relationhip when you have children is necessarily "subjecting them" to something rather than potentially giving them something positive. Of course there are negative examples, and there are harmful and dangerous biological parents as well as harmful and dangerous step parents. But stop the generalisations about step parents, please. We are no more homogenous than biological parents.

flamingofridays · 21/11/2018 11:47

ok so your ex husband might be irresponsible when it comes to new relationships. doesn't make it ok to refer to blended families as "zoos"

why would parents need to "admit" anything? no family is perfect and if theyre all doing their best it is unfair for bitter people like you to judge.

a lot of biological parents are shit and damage their children but that's obviously ok as long as they stay together and don't introduce anyone else to their children ever.

SnuggyBuggy · 21/11/2018 11:52

I think it's fair to say there will always be more parents saying their blended family works than people saying the blended families they grew up in worked.

Whatwhatt · 21/11/2018 12:16

Zoo' is an apt description of what my children have had to go through

So you're projecting then?

If you want to remain single forever that's fine, it's completely up to you, it's your life. I think it's really bizarre to martyr yourself in that way but that's up to you. I don't share that view point and I think to suggest parents who enjoy a life after divorce can't possibly be doing right by their children is wrong.

Labelling all blended families as 'zoos' and talking as though anyone who doesn't do the same as you is not putting their child first is incredibly narrow minded. And you talk about introspection?!

SnuggyBuggy I'm not sure that's been my experience. I'm from a blended family. I love my step dad. He's brought a lot to my life and as I said up thread I in no way wanted my parents to be together. They were toxic and I was a hell of a lot happier when they split. I have a lot of friends who grew up with step parents and none of them to my knowledge have anything bad to say about them. My best friend has called her step dad just 'Dad' since she was about 5. She has benefited immensely from having him in her life.

Let's not forget, you see threads on MN all the time about how actual biological parents have treated their children like crap and the poster is now going no contact because of it.

Whatwhatt · 21/11/2018 12:26

Also, thats sad that your ex has gone from relationship to relationship. But I don't think you can at all compare that to lots of step parents who have been with /married to their partners for years! Often for a hell of a lot longer than the parents were together for.

No it's not right to introduce a stream of men or women to your children, I know that sometimes happens and yes the parent is absolutely selfish to be doing so. But I think most normal and decent people can determine whether a relationship is just a fling or whether it's going to be long term and go from there. Like the posters here, a lot of them have been married to their partners for a long time, they have been involved with the children for a long time and so who are you to judge their marriage / relationship because of your exHs idiocy?

SnuggyBuggy · 21/11/2018 12:31

What, I'm not saying there are no good blended families. I've met some that have worked well. It's more that overall the parents are the ones that want it to work and will have a more positive outlook on it, the kids maybe will maybe won't.

I think it can work, sometimes better than expected but when it isn't working it's very difficult to make them work. And yes sadly I have known people in complex and difficult family situations and thought to myself "what a horrible mess".

Lizzie48 · 21/11/2018 12:31

I think it really is unfair to generalise. My DSis is a stepmum, who loves her DSS, who was 9 when she met her DH, as much as her own 3 DC (2 bio and 1 adopted). She was his primary carer for some years, and now he's a 21 year old adult who is in the army with DS of his own. He calls her by her first name and she's careful not to step in his mum's toes. It can work very well.

By contrast, we grew up in a nuclear family with both my birth parents, and we were seriously damaged by childhood SA at the hands of our abusive F and others. And you should have a look at the Stately Homes threads to see how many people have dysfunctional birth families.

Spanglyprincess1 · 21/11/2018 13:15

My sister is a brilliant step mom and I hope to.emulate her with my step children. Her dss came to live with them at 15 as his mom was abusive and couldn't cope. Everyone including his school say that without the intervention his future was looking bleak - most likely prison tbh. She has worked very hard with his dad and he's a whole new chidl! He is at college now, well dressed , fed and very polite. He's still a teenager but he is genuinely turning a corner. We are immensely proud of him . He call my mom Nana and us his aunt's. He is a lovely boy.

ohreallyohreallyoh · 21/11/2018 13:50

What I meant was that just because someone is a parent, they should not be condemned for making a choice not to remain single, if that is what they want

At no point have I 'condemned' any parent for making the choice not to remain single. It's purely that - a choice. I remain open to long-term relationships, not against it at all. But my current choice is to not seek out a relationship. I have plenty of friendships, an active social life and I work hard and pay my own bills. Sure, there is much to be had from a good quality, secure relationship. But there is much to be lost should it go wrong. I make a choice not to expose myself - and consequently my children - to that at the current time. Hardly fucking martyrdom, is it?

I think it's really bizarre to martyr yourself in that way but that's up to you

In what way am I a martyr for choosing to put my children first? You are assuming that my children have been through a run of the mill divorce, without long-term acrimony or a difficult ex in the picture, perhaps? Assuming that what happened to me was 'run of the mill' and that 'moving on' should be as easy for me as it seems to be for many? Perhaps being single is a bloody amazing option compared with what I put up with for 12 years?

Labelling all blended families as 'zoos'
Clearly clarified as my experience.

why would parents need to "admit" anything? no family is perfect and if theyre all doing their best it is unfair for bitter people like you to judge

It is important to admit, surely, when things are not working? My children have just been through 5 years of hell with a step 'mother' who hated them. Fine to stand by and watch that happen as a parent? Fine to say 'oh well, my relationship is all that matters so when my children are being called 'fucking shits' to their faces and told to 'get the fuck out of the house' (a house their father owns, in his own name for clarity's sake) I don't need to take a step back and think maybe things could be different?' That is not 'doing their best' and if wanting something better for my children makes me bitter then hey ho, happy to wear it.

Whatwhatt · 21/11/2018 14:01

In what way am I a martyr for choosing to put my children first?

But this is exactly what I don't agree with... You talk as if people who don't choose to do what you've done are 'not putting their children first'. It's utter rubbish.

And you can talk about your own experiences without labelling every single scenario as the same as your own which is exactly what you did when you called them 'zoos'.

Whatwhatt · 21/11/2018 14:07

Fine to stand by and watch that happen as a parent? Fine to say 'oh well, my relationship is all that matters so when my children are being called 'fucking shits' to their faces and told to 'get the fuck out of the house' (a house their father owns, in his own name for clarity's sake) I don't need to take a step back and think maybe things could be different?' That is not 'doing their best' and if wanting something better for my children makes me bitter then hey ho, happy to wear it

That is absolutely awful, I'm sorry your children went through that. Your exH should not be allowing it to go on and putting his relationship first, most people wouldn't stand for a new partner treating their children that way and it certainly doesn't mean most families are like that either.

I'm not presuming anything, if you want to be single because you've been through shit thats absolutely fine. No problem, none of my business. Just stop judging other people because you think you know what is right for everyone else. Your situation is not the same as everyone else's.

theDudesmummy · 21/11/2018 14:11

That is a horrible situation and I feel very sorry that you and your children went through that. But it is a product of the personalities of the people involved, which is not to do with whether they are step parents or not, it is to do with what kind or person they are. Your XH sounds just as much to blame and he is not the step parent...

RetinolRedux · 21/11/2018 14:22

I think it's fair to say there will always be more parents saying their blended family works than people saying the blended families they grew up in worked.

This

theDudesmummy · 21/11/2018 14:24

And I think it's fair to say there will always be more (biological) parents saying their family works than people saying the (biological) families they grew up in worked.

ACatsNoHelpWithThat · 21/11/2018 14:45

Exactly theDudesmummy. Out of all my friends and colleagues whose parents are still together I would say only two or three would describe their upbringing/biological family as healthy or functional.

flamingofridays · 21/11/2018 14:57

ohreally your problem is with your ex husband and his wife, not all step parents.

it can be done responsibly, just because your ex husband is a shit doesn't mean we all are.

flamingofridays · 21/11/2018 15:00

dps parents are still together. to the outside world they look like a happy couple, been together since they were kids. they would say they were excellent parents.

they weren't. his dad is abusive to both his mum and when he was younger, him. he is a nasty piece of work and dp had a mostly sad childhood.

some people honestly do not recognise their behaviour as being wrong.

for instance dp would have most likely had a better life if his mum had left his dad and found someone else who actually liked her and dp.