To be disgusted with some "step parents" views?

[PriscillaSM]

I want to start off by saying that I do not have children, I have a step mother myself and my DP has a son so this is not me being a bitter parent.

I find myself reading so many posts on here where step parents are unhappy about their partner/husband paying their ex maintenance, having to look after the step child once in a blue moon, the stepchild not being allowed in certain rooms of their house or even about having their stepchild over the christmas period?!

Surely if you start a relationship with somebody knowing they have children, you know what you are getting involved in?? I would never dream of treating my DP's DS in such a way.

Sorry for the rant but I'm just horrified about the mentality of some people on here.

And god forbid anyone call out stepchildrens bad behaviour.

Or perhaps she was making a point that the woman should have considered the existing children before getting pregnant and if she wasn't able to put the needs of those children first, then she should have used birth control. You don't get to kick out existing children to make way for a new one.

Goady thread

While the attitudes referred to do exist, and i do recall the castle bed/cupboard poster, she was handed her arse by virtually every poster who responded to her, and the same goes for pretty much everyone i’ve seen posting about wanting to dodge paying maintenance or moaning about the ex having acrylic nails and three holidays a year etc.

There are some brilliant step mums on mn, i know I couldn’t do it.

And god forbid anyone call out stepchildrens bad behaviour
Bad behaviour's bad behaviour and if my kids did have a step parent I wouldn't have a problem with it, so long as the discipline was in line with the other children in the house.

steak who mentioned kicking out?

@sillysally

No- I suppose you feel them kicking their DSC out of the family/ family home was ok then?

It was deliberately goady comment to grown women who seemed to believe their unborn child intimately more important and entitled than their terrible step children! It did the job, highlighting that actually that’s not an option at all, the ‘option’ us you;
A) Get on with it and work through your issues.
B) Pack your bags and be a co parent.
C) Don’t have your child

^excluding any child from their parent because you want a start your own little family - NOT OK

I have always tried to be a good step mother. I love my step daughter and we have a good relationship. But I did breathe a sigh of relief when we could stop paying maintenance because it was a stretch for us and her mother openly admitted she gave the money to DSD to spend on what she wanted (mm which mostly seemed to be getting her nails done and clubbing - DSD was 20 when we stopped paying). I wouldn't find those things for my biogical children on a monthly basis so think I was allowed to feel a little bit begrudging about it. That said I didn't interfere just have a private woohoo moment when it was done

*infinitely

teapot those threads didnt exist though did they?

My DS has a lovely step mum but unfortunately her husband, DS biological dad, is a dickhead of the highest order!

@flamingo

One in particular sticks in my mind- the woman was 5 months pregnant and felt her 10 year old DSD was ‘far too clingy and babyish’ and wanted ‘all his attention’.
Woman complained that DD ‘got angry when they talked about new baby and was always around the house’ 🙄 she wanted DD to stop coming as step mother had had some health issues -felt DP was putting their child ‘in danger’ by allowing DSD to continue her visits.

I’m not putting more as don’t want this taking down ‘thread about a thread’ but was really obvious this kid was feeling pushed out on her EOW visits!

@TeapotFairy how about you link to the thread and comment you made then so we can judge for ourselves.

Your comment if true was vile.

@silly

How about you acknowledge that excluding a child from a parental home/family unit- for the sake of another new child...is never ok?

steak who mentioned kicking out
Teapot did

How about you acknowledge that excluding a child from a parental home/family unit- for the sake of another new child...is never ok?

How about you prove that is what actually happened?

Being a step parent can be a pretty tough gig and a thankless task at times. But it can be extremely rewarding too. I don't have my own children but I've nurtured a special bond with my step children, whom I adore. In a way, I'm quite proud of the relationship we have because it's taken hard work and acceptance on all our parts. I don't have the benefit of a natural parental bond with them and at times I feel sad that they obviously need and want me less than their mum and dad. But that's how it goes. When they are with me you'd be forgiven for thinking they were my children and people do say 'your mummy' etc (DSD weirdly does look like me!). I never correct people (I don't want to make it awkward) and neither do the kids, which I think is nice. They don't call me mum and I'm not there to take her place. They have two capable and loving parents and I'm just an added extra if you like. An extra pair of eyes. An extra heart that loves them. DSD calls me each night they stay here (3 nights per week), tells me she loves me and is going to dream about what we will do at the weekend together. I would go to the ends of the earth for them. I'm as involved as their mum and dad with school, we all three recieve alerts from school and are down as contacts. Myself and their DM have had a somewhat tempestuous relationship in the past but we've never let it effect the kids. We all attend school performances (and it means someone can be at every showing which is nice). My parents completely idolize them too and the kids look forward to their visits, which I think is lovely. I appreciate that not everyone has a good experience but I promise we're not all wicked!

@silly

These were over the summer!

🤔 go through months of threads to link them- to then get this thread taken down for becoming a thread about a thread.

It’s pretty clear I’m not the only one who has seen posts to this nature else this thread probably wouldn’t exist in the first place. I’ve got better things to do than lie online I wasn’t crass in my comments but very clear ‘perhaps you should consider packing your bags, or not continuing with your pregnancy, if it’s making you this unhappy and you simply cant be around DSC’ 🤔 but it doesn’t really change the principal behind it ‘that the exclusion of one child for another isn’t ok’- which you seem to be gracefully dodging passing any comment on 😒 which speaks volumes.

Nobody has said excluding a child is ok. Its not. But then, the threads you're talking about either didn't exist (becausr youd find them v easily if you did comment on them) or youre somewhat bending the truth.

The comment you say you made was revolting and frankly you should be ashamed of yourself.

I really don’t think suggesting a termination is particularly helpful to be honest. Very dangerous advice in fact. A lot of women suffer emotionally afterwards and they won’t be skipping off in to the sunset happily afterwards.
Pregnancy makes you feel irrationally sometimes. The issues during pregnancy are likely to go when the baby is born.

From my own experience... dealing with my own obnoxious teen is hard. Having to deal with DSS, who is also an obnoxious teen is impossible! Looking the two teens up together and watch them sort it out between them (that is the jealousy, what's for dinner and who got what from dad or who has the advantage because...) will be a dream ... as long as the surviving one cleans up the mess.
I agree, being a step mum is very difficult. We may even be demonic at times according to the suffering SC's & their parent.

LMW that sounds lovely. But I think what's worked well here is how focussed you ALL are on the existing children. You didn't get pregnant straight away, you haven't seen them as a threat. Your parents love them. The children aren't having to negotiate relationships with other children.
So many times, it isn't like that- it's been on here today, that the MIL didn't give the same gifts to her DS as they did the joint children. If I was committed to someone with a child, and I had children I'd expect that my parents treated them all the same. Ideally you wouldn't fall into that situation as it'd be planned well in advance. Or another one was when one set of kids weren't invited to the 'family' holiday, i.e. the woman, her kids and her DP are going away and she doesn't want the DP's bio kids coming because that's 'their little family'.

I think a lot of men leave their kids without second glance once they leave the marital home and are only positive towards the kids of whoever they're in a relationship with. It's so socially ingrained that I can see why some women don't expect to have to commit much to their step kids because neither do the fathers. These kids are seen as part time, weekend kids, 'half kids' in terms of time commitment and feelings, as opposed to genetic relationships. They are shunted to and from with no real place to be.

Well @TeapotFairy you know fuck all about me or the fact that I am currently going through the process of adopting my DSC as their DM is a waste of space and wants nothing to do with them.

Assumptions about people can backfire in your face.

Having another child does not equal kicking out your existing step children.

I agree that people should think as to whether they can afford another child and still treat their SC with the same equality and if the answer is no then they shouldn't do it however, many many people can have further children and still treat their existing DC perfectly well and as they have before. I have given you examples from within my own family and friends but you ignore it because it doesn't fit the picture you have created in your mind.

I really don’t think suggesting a termination is particularly helpful to be honest. Very dangerous advice in fact. A lot of women suffer emotionally afterwards and they won’t be skipping off in to the sunset happily afterwards
I'm presuming the comment was made tongue in cheek and the poster was about to drop, it wasn't dangerous advice. It more took the message of, if you want to get rid of someone else's kids, perhaps you should consider getting rid of your own. Not the nicest comment, but was responding to not the nicest thread, and intending to shock the poster into seeing how unreasonable they are being.
Pregnancy makes you feel irrationally sometimes. The issues during pregnancy are likely to go when the baby is born
Totally agree

Interestingly, the comments against those who are critical of the stepfamily dynamic are those which use the words vile, revolting and disgusting. I was called moralistic.
I never said anything personal about anyone on this thread, nor did I team up with others to try and goad one particular poster. I have held my view but it's becoming a catfight with people being accused of lying etc so am standing down. Enjoy your evening.

And the swearing isn't conducive to good debate.