To think mums using formula are shamed more than breastfeeding mums?

[Mumtoboy123]

Before having children i didnt realise how big of an issue this seems to be. Everywhere you go you hear "breast is best" and yes, this is the case for some, however, i had my son 7 weeks ago and i was never too fussed about breastfeeding. I knew it would hurt, take a lot of time to get right and i would be the sole provider of feeding day and night. I knew that for me, this was a lot of pressure, that i would rather DH have the chance to feed DS and get that connection with him and we could face night feeds as a team. I also suffer from chronic fatigue and knew 2 hourly BF by myself would kill me or cause low feeling and possible PND.
When DS was born, i was rushed to surgery following the birth. Before this happened, because i felt i had to, id said i wanted to try and breastfeed for the first few days of colostrum at least. This meant that while i was being prepped for surgery, a midwife was 'panic expressing' in an attempt to get DS to latch on. Quite traumatic. DH then had to give DS a bottle while surgery took so long and we carried on from there.
Since having DS ive had aot of people assuming im breastfeeding, ignoring me saying im formula feeding and continuing to tell me their BF stories and advice, and i get funny looks wherever i bottle feed out of the house, especially at mum groups.
Surely feeding my child in the best way that suits our family is better than BF and my bond with DS suffering because of the hardship, or worse, not feeding at all?! There seems to be a lot of focus on supporting BF mums because of the opinions related to getting breast out in public but no support for those who have chosen to formula feed for whatever reason, if anything, when you say you are formula feeding you get a bit of a look and an "oh right" comment... then a silence. Its got to the point where i see another formula feeding mum in costa and i want to run up to her and high-5 her!!
Just to clarify... i have nothing against Breastfeeding at all... especially in public.

The reason there's so much breast feeding support being put in place is that the UK has one of the lowest breastfeeding rates in Europe. You've made your choice based on your family situation nothing wrong with that. There aren't women out there not formula feeding because 'it's painful, too much reliance on mum and DH needs to feed baby to bond' to give some of your reasons outside of your personal circumstances, that are commonly heard for not breast feeding. My SIL didn't breast feed her first because she bought into a lot of myths and wasn't given any support when baby wasn't latching. Only 34% of UK mums are breastfeeding by six months so I'm not sure where your perception of everyone else breastfeeding and being pro breastfeeding/anti formula comes from.

I think a lot of it is perceived 'shaming' due to mum guilt. No one has ever made me feel bad for breast or bottle feeding. Ive felt the need to 'justify' my choices to people who really don't care though, but thats because of my own issues, they don't care!

I’m sorry you are feeling that people have been unkind to you but the reason there isn’t support for formula feeding us that the vast, vast majority of women choose to formula feed.

There’s so much focus on breast feeding because the NHS and the government are naturally keen to increase the numbers.

0.5% of UK babies are still being breasted at age 1. So you are absolutely in the majority. The reason bf is pushed and expected is because it is better for baby and you (at least physically) for you to breastfeed. Formula is a fabulous alternative, but it isn’t equal to breastfeeding.

I have been shamed bf. I’m still feeding my 22 month old (WHO states bf till 2 and beyond is best) and the amount of comments, criticisms and reactions I get are ridiculous. People think beyond newborns babies are “too old for breastfeeding” and it’s utterly stupid. Breastmilk changes with the age of your child to continue to give them the nutrition they need, as a supplement to solids. No one bats an eye at feeding cows breastmilk do they?

So in short (!) I think YABU.

It seems like there is a lot of support for breastfeeding mums but if you read a lot of threads on here it's actually not helpful support from qualified people who can help new mums through common problems. It's pushing the breast is best message from people who aren't qualified to help when it gets tough and actually often just makes mums feel under pressure as they are told to feed but not helped when it hurts etc (for example my baby had a tongue tie which was missed by 2 midwives and I was told it was hurting because I was pale and pale people have more sensitive nipples!!). To get good breastfeeding support you have to be lucky enough to be in an area with a good lactation consultants but normally need to seek these out.

Sorry you feel people aren't approving of your feeding choices. I'd assume it will only get better though, as someone has said above, breastfeeding rates are so low that you are in a huge majority that will only increase as time goes on

Breastfeeding is hard and there is nowhere near enough support for those who really need it, YABVU.

I always find these threads so bizarre - it's like they're beamed in from an alternate reality where formula feeding is rare. If you're getting 'funny looks' that's very surprising as what you're doing is far more common than exclusive breastfeeding, even by seven weeks. You don't seem to have actually received any nasty comments (which would be completely unacceptable) - but do you want active congratulations?

And I guess I just don't see what you need support with? It's a bit like me saying, 'gosh, there's so much support for people with babies with colic that I feel so ignored as the mother of a baby that rarely cries. I just want to go up to other mothers with contentedly sleeping babies in Costa and high five them! We should have non-colicy baby support!' - I mean, what would I want support for?

I agree with the above posters. In my experience people presume that you are FF. To give just one example, I went to the health visitor the other day to ask about a change in baby's poo. First question - are you still using the same brand? I can't imagine anyone being surprised to hear that someone is FF. And I do find the BF awareness campaign helpful because people don't challenge you when you're sat under a sign that says 'breastfeeding is welcome here'.

The expression "Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent" comes to mind.

I think as a pp said, that a lot of standard views on ff are instantly viewed as 'shaming', due to subconscious guilt at making that choice, and so in turn become hyper sensitive to perceived criticism.

@lisasimpsonsbff "do you want active congratulations" is a bit harsh. Of course i bloody dont. All im saying is i feel shamed as a ff mum because whenever i say im not bf i get looked at as if ive justified mugging a pensioner!!!

What annoys me about this is that I've never once seen or heard that someone is formula feeding and turned my nose up, I breastfed my son for 16 months and got lotssss of funny looks, especially when he hit a year old. You said it yourself that breastfeeding is demanding, sometimes difficult and painful, so surely it can only be a good thing that there's so much support out there!
If anyone's made catty faces for ff then they're a dick but it's really not the norm that anyone would bat an eyelid. We all have to be comfortable in our choices was mums and from what you've said you've made the right one for your family.
I don't really know what formula feeding mums would need extra support on (in regards to formula feeding specifically)

It seems very tribal. If you are in a group where BF is the norm and you FF you feel like the odd one out and vice versa.

8m bf and I’m still asked when I’m goinf to give it up and start ff so yes you’re yabu because once baby is over a few months people assumed you’ve given up and ff is the norm.
However I always find these threads strange. You’ve done your decision about feeding therefore stick to it and let the rest believe whatever they want

Btw bf doesn’t hurt. If it hurts then there is a problem. And it’s a shame mums take a decision about feeding bases in wrong myths.

I'm breastfeeding DC2 currently and other mums at playgroup keep justifying to me why they are feeding their similarly aged babies formula.

I don't care, I've nothing against formula feeding, DC1 was formula fed from 4 months. DC2 would be mix fed if they would take a bottle.

I would imagine that if you were feeling sensitive about it though my polite nod (whilst thinking why are you telling me this) could be misinterpreted as a judgey look.

You're not being unreasonable. I was the only one I my mum group that had to formula feed. It didn't feel nice at all

I found some uncomfortable conversations when I switched, or actually before hand, sought support from HV and GP wasn't much better. This was 10'years ago:

I want to try formula as my baby isn't getting enough food - HV: oh don't fail yet and fall in formula / your body will catch up with her needs just wait (I was clearly very distressed!) / you're not classed as having bf unless you've achieved 6 months

My GP asked if I was ff or bf and I told him I was bf but fed her some ff to top up - he wrote down ff only .... felt like I had failed yet spent months and months in agony, cracked bleeding nipples, leaking milk, screaming baby waiting for more milk to come in just for this fucking GP to completely dismiss my efforts at all - not even combi feeding, just ff - arse!
Oh and let's not forget me trying to ask the HV if when making up formula I put in the full amount of water to 8oz then when you add the milk powder it increases the volume so do I put just under 8oz water so it's made up to a total of 8oz? ... nobody knew

Also, im not looking for ff 'support'... im looking for support from other mothers for making a choice that suits me, just as i would support a bf mum.
I remember going to an antenatal class about bf and reusable nappies.. i then went up to triage to get somwthing checked out and a midwife refered to 'the breastfeeding mafia' and it does feel a bit like bf mums gang up to shame ff mums for things like saying you feel judged for ff or for saying bf isnt for you

My twins were in nicu and very unwell - tube fed initially. They couldn’t latch so I pumped. I tried so hard to latch them but they just couldn’t manage it and we didn’t even get support with it while in hospital for two months. I ended up pumping and bottle feeding for seven months and had to pump every two hours.

I had some crazy experiences - people saying “oh you’re bottle feeding?” like I’d just spat in my baby’s face, and then medical professionals asking me why I was bothering to pump and saying it was pointless.

Seems to me that whatever you do someone has an opinion about it.

One thing that I’ve learned from being a mother is that no matter what you do, some people have an opinion on it and you get judged no matter what, so the best thing at mother can do, is to develop a thick skin and ignore other people and get on with what is best for you and your family. Breastfeed, formula feed, dummy, co sleep, jarred food, organic food, it all gets slagged off by somebody.

I was unable to bf my eldest and felt horrifically guilty and judged. Had some horrible comments from the midwives in the first ten days while I was really struggling to feed. Triggered PND. Looong story. One I had my youngest and managed to successfully bf until the little toad self-weaned at nearly a year, I was far more relaxed and comfortable with everything and realised that a lot of the judgement I felt over the years for ff was actually because I was seeing everything through a filter of guilt. Those comments from that midwife were not imagined, but with my clear head on I can see that she was a bit of a dick and someone, had I been my usual self and not a knackered and traumatised post-natal FTM, whom I would have given short shrift.

Interestingly, the friends I have who proactively chose to ff, have never felt the need to give long-winded justifications as to why they had to feed in that way, have never felt judged or been on the the receiving end of shaming.
I also never ever got shitty looks or comments for bfing though.

YABU.

The fact that people still think breastfeeding will definitely hurt, take lots of time to figure out and that Dad's don't get to build a connection with their babies is evidence of the lack of proper information and breastfeeding support offered to expectant/new Mums.

Formula is the standard expectation in the UK, especially beyond 6 weeks or so. There are no signs telling nervous Mums that they are welcome to give their baby a bottle in specific areas because it's generally accepted anywhere, this isn't true for those that breastfeed.

I chose to formula feed my first because I hadn't met one person in real life who had breastfed and I was laughed at by family and friends for even considering it, being a teenager I didn't have the balls to go against the societal norms. With my second I thought I'd give it a go and still had people judging me for it.

One of the most annoying things about having a baby IMO is the constant discussions about bf/ff, pram/sling, purees/baby led weaning. You get drawn into these issues at a time when you are quite vulnerable and don’t sleep so it feels like a bit of a minefield, especially when it is your first and you desperately want to do the right thing. Everyone has a strong opinion about what is right and you are always worried you are failing as a mother. You only have to look at some of the threads on here to see the variation and strength of opinions!

Fast forward a few years and nobody cares about these things anymore, your baby sure won’t when they get older. Most choices are fine, just do your thing and don’t worry about the judgment of others. There will always be judgy people. As long as your baby is happy and healthy, it’s all good. You can’t please them all!

I wonder if some of this shaming (for both bf and FF parents) is actually imagined. Saying you get funny looks for feeding your small baby - is it actually just someone looking at the baby? Or someone remembering they forgot to let the cat out while happening to look in your direction? Or someone giving a funny look to the kid behind you who is throwing toys around?

I don't think that many people actually care about how a total stranger feeds their baby; and if they do they're a random passer-by so just ignore it.

I formula fed all of my children and I was formula fed all healthy. I simply didn't want to breastfeed and if anyone had a problem with it then so what, my body my decision.