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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think mums using formula are shamed more than breastfeeding mums?

591 replies

Mumtoboy123 · 20/11/2018 08:16

Before having children i didnt realise how big of an issue this seems to be. Everywhere you go you hear "breast is best" and yes, this is the case for some, however, i had my son 7 weeks ago and i was never too fussed about breastfeeding. I knew it would hurt, take a lot of time to get right and i would be the sole provider of feeding day and night. I knew that for me, this was a lot of pressure, that i would rather DH have the chance to feed DS and get that connection with him and we could face night feeds as a team. I also suffer from chronic fatigue and knew 2 hourly BF by myself would kill me or cause low feeling and possible PND.
When DS was born, i was rushed to surgery following the birth. Before this happened, because i felt i had to, id said i wanted to try and breastfeed for the first few days of colostrum at least. This meant that while i was being prepped for surgery, a midwife was 'panic expressing' in an attempt to get DS to latch on. Quite traumatic. DH then had to give DS a bottle while surgery took so long and we carried on from there.
Since having DS ive had aot of people assuming im breastfeeding, ignoring me saying im formula feeding and continuing to tell me their BF stories and advice, and i get funny looks wherever i bottle feed out of the house, especially at mum groups.
Surely feeding my child in the best way that suits our family is better than BF and my bond with DS suffering because of the hardship, or worse, not feeding at all?! There seems to be a lot of focus on supporting BF mums because of the opinions related to getting breast out in public but no support for those who have chosen to formula feed for whatever reason, if anything, when you say you are formula feeding you get a bit of a look and an "oh right" comment... then a silence. Its got to the point where i see another formula feeding mum in costa and i want to run up to her and high-5 her!!
Just to clarify... i have nothing against Breastfeeding at all... especially in public.

OP posts:
Willow1992 · 20/11/2018 12:38

In my experience, I agree there was a lot of pressure to breastfeed especially before, during and immediately after giving birth. However, most of the other mothers I got to know at local groups were formula feeding after a few weeks, and I sometimes heard negative comments about bfing mums as if they were somehow showing off and trying to make others feel judged by bfing, so then it kind of switched a bit.

brookshelley · 20/11/2018 12:38

Someone recently gave me a look of horror when learning I’m still BF any 1 year old and said “sorry but I find BF disgusting.”

Right so that’s actual shaming. Don’t go around trying to interpret looks on people’s facing and get on with your life!

Ghanagirl · 20/11/2018 12:41

@Mumtoboy123 - I knew it would hurt, take a lot of time to get right and i would be the sole provider of feeding day and night.”
Also you couldn’t have known it would hurt is not all mums experience painful nipples

brookshelley · 20/11/2018 12:42

Slight tangent but where has this idea come from that feeding baby = bonding? MIL was desperate to give DCs a bottle. Why can’t DH or anyone else bond changing a nappy or holding at night when mum needs some sleep!

swingofthings · 20/11/2018 12:43

When the midwife asked me whether I intended to breastfeed or not, and say no, she gave me that look of complete disgust and said 'what a pity with breasts so full of milk like yours'. It didn't offend me, I have thick skin but ultimately she made a view clear!

Similarly, when I saw the gp because I was in agony and asked for medicine, he told me none existed and I had to bare the pain - since I was choosing not to breastfeed. Thankfully, my mum in France managed to get her GP to prescribe some for as it is coomon practice there and he felt sorry for me.

So yes, I experienced prejudices from health professionals but no-one in my vicinity. I'm strong minded though and don't make friends with judgemental people. I don't judge their choices and they don't judge mine. Simple.

Wellonlyifihaveto · 20/11/2018 12:45

Surely you can only be shamed if you let people? I hate everyone so couldn’t give two shites what anyone thinks Wink

QueenofmyPrinces · 20/11/2018 12:46

My DH has an amazing relationship with both our sons despite me BF. I can’t believe that people still use the “it gives dad the chance to bond” line.

I’m not sure how holding a bottle in a baby’s mouth for 10 minutes creates a magical bond that no father of a BF baby could ever hope to achieve with their babies....

I still BF my 16 month old, he’s never had a bottle yet he and my DH still have a wonderful and very special relationship.

Its a very bizarre argument.

When I get people trying to defend their decision to FF to me it makes me feel very uncomfortable. They don’t have to defend themselves to me, I have no interest in their feeding choices but some people feel they have to try and justify themselves. I would rather people just say they didn’t like the the thought of it, never had any intention of trying it, or they simply couldn’t be bothered because honestly is more easier than having to feel awkward whilst a bottle feeder tries to defend themselves when they really, really, really don’t need to.

Using formula was never an option to me, I cried as I watched midwives give my newborn an ounce of formula because his blood sugars were low, but I know that different women have different opinions on what they want to do and whether BF matters to them or not etc and that’s just the way it is.

I have faced so much judgement, ridicule and criticism for my decision to breast feed both my sons and been on the receiving end of sole very hurtful comments and it’s incredibly upsetting.

In my experience a lot of people have no problem slagging off breast feeding and do not understand why it’s really important to so many women. It bothers me how criticised breast feeding is when it’s the biological norm and the best thing for babies.

I breast fed my first one for 2.5 years and many people couldn’t understand it at all - they looked at me like I was from another planet. My current baby is 16 months old and although the shock that I’m still BF’ing him hasn’t materialised yet
I’m sure it’s on the horizon.

I feel like I’m always defending my choice to breast feed and it’s ludicrous.

BrokenWing · 20/11/2018 12:48

Since having DS ive had aot of people assuming im breastfeeding, ignoring me saying im formula feeding and continuing to tell me their BF stories and advice

^ agree, this, screams this

I think a lot of it is perceived 'shaming' due to mum guilt.

If a bf is talking to a ff mum or vice versa, they usually can only talk about on their own feeding experience and hope parts of it relate to the other mum, doesn't mean they are shaming you.

Mum's I met up with when ds was a baby mostly ff and made me feel the odd one out for bf'ing and they mostly talked about ff'ing. It is just luck what type of feeding the majority do at your group whether you feel in the minority or not. Nothing to do with shaming you.

Ghanagirl · 20/11/2018 12:49

@JellyBears
So based on your scientific research formula feeding is the way to go🙄

Halloweenallyearround · 20/11/2018 12:51

Every app you go to they ask, before and afterwards and years later. People do make comments and judge.
People ask why didn't you, was they issued?
Breastfeeding has so much support and it appears lazy and selfish if you don't.
You didn't stay up all night, you could have help with feeding, you don't understand the pain.

I think it is truly awful that women treat other women like this.
No one would dream of comparing births the same way

CocoDeMoll · 20/11/2018 12:52

I really don’t think people care enough to judge and I mean that nicely!!

People will often look at a baby being fed because baby’s are cute and even cuter when they’re eating. I think if you’re already feeling self conscious or insecure about your feeding method (breast or bottle) you’ll interpret a glance as negative.

I’m the only breastfeeder out of my mum friends but theirs no judgment or comments either way.

People have made lovely comments out and about about breastfeeding because you don’t often see a baby feeding in public. I’m happy with my choice and confident to feed in public so I interpret all looks as positive Smile

Ghanagirl · 20/11/2018 12:53

”No one would dream of comparing births the same way”
Really?
Too posh to push etc...

Fraula · 20/11/2018 12:57

No one would dream of comparing births the same way
They do. Csection v vaginal. Pain relief v drug free.

All emotive issues that people get very offended and upset by.

Fraula · 20/11/2018 12:59

Sorry, xpost due to ridiculously slow typing!
@Ghanagirl I told everyone I had a csection due to extreme poshness.

53rdWay · 20/11/2018 13:02

Breastfeeding has so much support

It really really doesn’t, in lots of places. A couple of posters in the waiting room is not the same as proper support from people helping you to actually do it.

vandrew4 · 20/11/2018 13:07

i don't understand "breastfeeding support". Once you and the baby have got the hang of it within the first day or so, what "support" is needed?

BertieBotts · 20/11/2018 13:08

FWIW I could never see FF as lazy. We are doing one bottle a day this time and the amount of stress and worry and extra work and planning this has attached to it is ridiculous (I let DH worry about it officially...) much much easier to breastfeed beyond the first getting it established bit, no worries about timing (has this milk been out too long?), temperature, cleanliness, no "Did I put four scoops or five?", no worries about preparing a feed far enough in advance for it to suit the baby but soon enough to minimise bacterial growth, or thinking what to do when you go out. No brand comparisons or trying to work out WTF is the difference between different varieties, does this one have palm oil, does that packaging use excess plastic, if my normal variety is unavailable, is it best to switch brands or varieties? etc.

I do sometimes find it sad when a mum says she can't BF if I think it's been a painful journey for her but I don't ever think it's her fault for "not trying hard enough" or not knowing where the support is, I think it's a disgrace that the front line support is crap and patchy and the better support is often buried, not only being difficult to find, but also being entrenched often in ideology that not every new mother shares. You shouldn't have to be an attachment or "crunchy" parent to want to access BF advice and I don't think it's helpful that to access good advice people often have to wade through anti-formula rhetoric.

OTOH it makes me feel frustrated to see BF advice being misrepresented online, the most common I see which winds me up is "If it hurts you're doing it wrong" - no no no! It's not about doing it wrong vs doing it right, it's a process that there can be many factors to. It's about as accurate as saying to someone who is driving a car "If it makes a funny noise, you're driving it wrong." Well, maybe, but the important thing is to take the car to a garage ASAP to get it checked out, not to immediately jump to "I'm at fault".

If BF is painful it might be that a small adjustment will fix it, in other cases it's a more deep seated issue and yes there are some kinds of pain which are just part of the normal getting used to the process for some people, but unless you get seen you won't know which one it is, and while some will get better on its own, some causes of painful feeding will get worse and cause more issues the longer you leave them.

It's not that BF itself requires dedication and perseverance, BF requires experienced support, so if you're lucky enough to have that around you already it is likely to go smoothly, if not you'll probably have to seek it out - now that is the part which requires dedication and perseverance and that makes me sad. Not that FF mums "aren't dedicated" but that looking for the basic needed support requires dedication. It shouldn't be like that. Most other countries seem to have this sorted.

Yerroblemom1923 · 20/11/2018 13:08

I felt every poster was directed at me, screaming that I was a failure! Yes I had no milk due to birth trauma but maybe I should've tried harder etc etc

fourcorneredcircle · 20/11/2018 13:09

vandrew
It takes some (most?) women and babies much longer than the first couple of days :)

Queenofthedrivensnow · 20/11/2018 13:10

@fourcorneredcircle that's me as well x

BertieBotts · 20/11/2018 13:10

Most people need longer than a day to get feeding established, one day isn't the norm at all.

53rdWay · 20/11/2018 13:11

If you’re one of the lucky people where both mother and baby get the hang of it straight away, and you’re surrounded by friends/family familiar with BF that your expectations of how feeding works aren’t shaped by a formula feeding culture, so you don’t get your mother or your sister saying “ooh he’s probably starving why don’t you just give him a bottle poor mite”, and the health professions around you aren’t just vaguely supportive on paper but actually know how BF works and won’t default to “just stop then” if you hit problems or need any medication or surgical procedure, and your employers are great and/or you don’t need to BF at work... then probably you don’t need any more support at all.

The rest of us would have appreciated a bit of a hand, though.

SharkSave · 20/11/2018 13:12

Honestly I have never experienced this from anyone, the public, family, other mum's, HCPs, no one.

I FF from birth with both of mine, I feel zero guilt about it because I know it was the right decision for our family and give zero shits if anyone else has an opinion on it tbh.

Surfskatefamily · 20/11/2018 13:12

Who is doing the shaming? I breastfeed, my sil's x2 breastfeed and my 3 sisters bottlefeed and none if us have experienced someone shaming us.

QueenofmyPrinces · 20/11/2018 13:12

i don't understand "breastfeeding support". Once you and the baby have got the hang of it within the first day or so, what "support" is needed?

Seriously?!

I can’t believe this has even been said. I’m hoping it was a sarcastic post?? Grin

If not, and you got the hang of it in a day and never had any breast feeding complications/issues the you were extremely lucky!!!